# Sarcastic slogan of the day



## Northerner




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## Sally71

Our Tesco has a big sign outside saying "we are closed on Easter Sunday.  Don't worry - our Express stores will be open!"

Don't worry???  Can people really not cope if the supermarket is shut for ONE DAY?!


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## trophywench

Phew Sally - that's a relief!!  Pete and I hardly slept last night, with the anxiety.


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## Amigo

Whilst I've been ill, I've ordered online shopping for the first time from Tesco. As a result I feel like I've been thrust into an online cyber relationship with them which is massively disproportionate! I've had confirmation messages followed by 3 emails, an actual human phone call (followed by a summary of the discussion) and 3 requests to complete a survey!

Please, enough already! So the coleslaw was squashed....I don't need to spend the rest of the month discussing the implications!


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## Northerner

Groan!


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## Ralph-YK

Amigo I've have had nothing like that much attention off Tesco, even though I've been doing on line shopping for several months. How did you do it?


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## robert@fm

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants?
















Your grandma!


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## Rosiecarmel

This thread is one big groan-fest!!


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## trophywench

Diabeticliberty said:


> You ain't seen nuffink yet.
> 
> What's pink and hard?
> *
> A pig with a flicknife
> 
> Groan, groan groan



Bloody eck - how old are YOU?  Circa 1975?


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## Amigo

Ralph-YK said:


> Amigo I've have had nothing like that much attention off Tesco, even though I've been doing on line shopping for several months. How did you do it?



It was obviously the squashed coleslaw that galvanised them into action Ralph...that and the chicken I returned because it was nearly out of date! Lol
I'm still receiving surveys though...hope that's not making you feel neglected by them!


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> I walked into my local pub last night with a set of jump leads. The landlord shot from the other side of the pub and stood toe to toe with me. He burst out with the mantra "OK I'll serve you but don't be starting anything".
> 
> 
> 3 days as a member and not yet been banned for really crappy jokes. What a tolerant lot diabetics are


My finger's been hovering over the button!


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## Rosiecarmel

Diabeticliberty said:


> My wife laughed at me when I told her that I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.  Well she stopped laughing when I drove pasta.



I laughed out loud at this!!


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## Northerner

I'm going to ask for a Groan button!


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## Rosiecarmel

Diabeticliberty said:


> What do you call a nun on a clowns back?
> *
> *
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> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
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> Virgin on the ridiculous



Ive just read this on a bus and burst out laughing. Got some very strange looks from people!!


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A chap walks into a fish and chip shop upon which the proprietor asks "What can I get you?" The chap replies "Do you know that I'm a moth?" The chippy owner gets a little bit irate and screams " You are a moth? You don't want fish and chips, you need a psychiatrist". The chap relies yes but I was coming past and the light was on.


Keep em coming Diabeticliberty


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## Rosiecarmel

￼


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## HOBIE

Very good


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## robert@fm

A consumer protection organisation created a website intended to warn people about the dangers of fake Viagra — but they couldn't get it up.


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## Northerner

They're not getting any better!


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## Alan.tnh

NO please don't sing, tell us another joke we promise to laugh


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## Alan.tnh

Ok you got me, how bad is the singing?


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## HOBIE

. Good !


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## Superheavy

A man walks into a butcher's shop, looking to pick up some high meat content diabetic friendly sausages to have for that evening's tea. The butcher was clearly feeling playful, as he told his new customer: "I bet you £20 that you can't reach those two pieces of meat on the top shelf."

The man replies: "I'm not taking that bet sir.  The steaks are too high!"


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## Robin

We are going to have to get ourselves a groan button.


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## Superheavy

Ever since I was diagnosed with diabetes, I've been trying to manage my appetite by sucking on mints, but some days I find it hard. Some days I will look at a mint with a hole in it, and it will keep any food cravings away. Other days, I can't even consider putting the mint with the hole in my mouth it looks so horrible, and just doesn't touch my appetite at all.

My doctor's told me not to worry though, he thinks I'm bi-polo.


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## Northerner

Ee, that one takes me back a few years!


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> I walked into my local pub last night with a big chunk of tarmac under my left arm "Landlord, give me 2 pints of Guinness and one for the road"


Good


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## David H

DiabeticLiberty they should have a section for really bad corny jokes.


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## Superheavy

David H said:


> DiabeticLiberty they should have a section for really bad corny jokes.



This is a diabetic forum David, there's far too many carbs in it to have a 'Corny' section.


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## HOBIE

Daft but good


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## Superheavy

What you lack in quality, you make up for in persistence!  Fine work my friend!


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> It is with a most heavy heart I have to relay the severe misfortune of a very good friend of mine. He is the head waiter in quite a large tandoori house in St.Helens. Apparently on the night before last his wife confessed to him that she was running away with his sister. His 2 kids on the very same day got suspended from school for smoking and fighting (with each other). The Inland Revenue are hot on his trail and he then found out that his house has been condemned due to heavy structural flaws. Last night he felt like he had nothing left and in a moment of desperation he injected himself with curry powder.
> 
> I am sorry to have to announce that at 2.00am this morning the poor man slipped into a korma.


 Very good


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## Northerner

Thanks for the daily groans @Diabeticliberty


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## khskel

Seconded Northie


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## Northerner

Sorry to be a bit PC, but can we avoid the dyslexia jokes please? We do have members with dyslexia who may find them funny, but also might find them upsetting.


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> A chap is absolutely flying down busy road doing about 115mph. A traffic cop stops him and says ' You were doing at least 110mph in a 30mph zone'. The chap retorts 'Officer you are incorrect I was doing 28mph'. His wife chips in 'Harry, you lying toad you were going doing over a hundred'. The officer replies 'I am also giving you a ticket for your broken brake light'. Harry replies 'Do I have a broken brake light?' Once again his wife chips in 'Oh Harry do behave yourself. You've known about that light for 6 weeks cos I told you about it'. The copper then says 'While we are at it I am also doing you for not wearing a seat belt' Harry comes back 'I took it off when you were walking over from your police car'. His wife replies stop it with all of these lies. You never wear a seatbelt'. Harry turns to his wife crimson with anger 'Look you old trout, will you shut your damned mouth?' The cop addresses Harry's wife and asks 'Ma'am does your husband always speak to you like this?' The wife replies 'Only after 16 pints of Guinness and half a bottle of single malt'


Haha! That is a corker!  Off to amuse my FB friends with it!


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## Superheavy

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, and the man tells the barkeep, "ten shots of vodka for me, and ten for my giraffe." The barkeep gives him a funny look, but lines up twenty shot glasses, filling each with a measure of vodka. As they are necking their shots (necking - giraffe - get it?) the giraffe has a bit of a wobble, but the man holds him upright. After a belch of satisfaction, the man tells the barkeep, "Okay, can I have another round please, ten for me, and ten for my giraffe." The barkeep shakes his head, but refills all of the glasses with another twenty vodka's. The pair continue to work their way through the drinks, but on the ninth shot, the giraffe has a big wobble, but this time the man finishes his vodka, while the giraffe falls to the floor. Unable to get any purchase, the giraffe's legs are moving, but he cannot get back up.

At this point, the man gets up, and heads towards the door, eager for his bed. The barkeep yells at him: "Oi, what do you think you're doing?  You can't leave that lying there!"

The man's response, as he closed the door - "It's not a lion, it's a bloody pissed giraffe."


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## Superheavy

You set a high bar my friend. It tends to work better when it's said rather than written!


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## palmoff

How to make a fortune...
Get a white van buy a premium phone number put "hows my driving call (premium number)" in big letters all over it.
Then drive like a total idiot, easy cash.

I am going to make a drink called "responsibly" that way all the other drinks will give me free advertising saying drink responsibly.


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> I am today extremely smug and self satisfied - just an ordinary day then. After what has been an uphill battle and many, many years at college I have finally realised my dream. Today I can finally call myself PHD. That's Pizza Hut Deliveryman


Did you know there is a Hamburger University in Solihull?   I spent a couple of days there in the 1990s (I wrote McDonald's HR systems )


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## Stitch147

Northerner said:


> Did you know there is a Hamburger University in Solihull?   I spent a couple of days there in the 1990s (I wrote McDonald's HR systems )



My sister used to be a store manager for McDonalds and had to attend Hamburger University!


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## Superheavy

Stitch147 said:


> My sister used to be a store manager for McDonalds and had to attend Hamburger University!



Was it a fairly meaty curriculum or was it rather watered down and a bit too thin like a saver menu burger?


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> I have lately been thinking a lot about how fragile life can be. I have now come to realise that when I die I want to go very quietly and peacefully in my sleep just like my dear old granny did. I don't want to go screaming, red faced and crying like the passengers in her car


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## Alan.tnh

Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby balloon, all wake up together on the morning of baby balloons 3rd birthday.  Daddy balloon has a chat with baby balloon and tells him now he’s 3 he must sleep in his own bed. Baby balloon says ok as long as he can have a new bed shaped like a race car.

Daddy balloon is ok with this and goes out that afternoon and gets him his race car bed. At 7pm it’s off to bed for baby balloon to his new bed.  Daddy balloon is happy with this gives mummy balloon a wink and says great our own bed back. That night all is going well until 3am,  Baby balloon gets up goes into his parent’s room who are fast asleep. Baby balloon try’s to squeeze in between mummy and daddy balloon but can’t manage it. He reaches up to daddy balloons air valve, opens it and let’s out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again but still can’t get in. He reaches up to mummy balloons air valve, opens it and lets out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again but still can’t quite get in. He reaches up to his own air valve opens it and lets out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again, and bingo he’s in.

They all wake up at 7am and daddy balloon is not happy, now listen baby balloon you promised I even bought you a new bed, now look what you’ve done, You’ve let me down, You’ve let your mum down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down.


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## khskel

Love this thread


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## HOBIE

good


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## trophywench

That's truly awful, younger whippersnapper - you'll get a smack round the ear for that when I catch you!

Said she, promised a visit from her two day old latest GREAT grandchild - Elsie - today.  (I rather imagine her own granny (aged 42) might catch you sooner than me though!)


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## HOBIE

Alan.tnh said:


> Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby balloon, all wake up together on the morning of baby balloons 3rd birthday.  Daddy balloon has a chat with baby balloon and tells him now he’s 3 he must sleep in his own bed. Baby balloon says ok as long as he can have a new bed shaped like a race car.
> 
> Daddy balloon is ok with this and goes out that afternoon and gets him his race car bed. At 7pm it’s off to bed for baby balloon to his new bed.  Daddy balloon is happy with this gives mummy balloon a wink and says great our own bed back. That night all is going well until 3am,  Baby balloon gets up goes into his parent’s room who are fast asleep. Baby balloon try’s to squeeze in between mummy and daddy balloon but can’t manage it. He reaches up to daddy balloons air valve, opens it and let’s out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again but still can’t get in. He reaches up to mummy balloons air valve, opens it and lets out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again but still can’t quite get in. He reaches up to his own air valve opens it and lets out 3 seconds worth of air (hssssss). He try’s again, and bingo he’s in.
> 
> They all wake up at 7am and daddy balloon is not happy, now listen baby balloon you promised I even bought you a new bed, now look what you’ve done, You’ve let me down, You’ve let your mum down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down.


Good too


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> Little Johnny tells his primary school teacher that his granddad had died the previous day. The teacher asked how it happened? So Johnny explains 'Well Miss he hit hid thumb with a hammer'. The teacher suggests that this type of injury is not usually life threatening. Johnny goes no 'No it isn't Miss but he wouldn't stop screaming so we shot him'.


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## Alan.tnh

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a£10,000 loan to take a holiday." 


Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Anthony Jagger, and his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. 


The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with he bank manager and disappears into a back office. 


She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Anthony Jagger out there who claims to  know you and wants to borrow £10,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."   
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"   


*(You’re gonna love this) *

(It’s a real treat)


(A masterpiece) 


(Wait for it) 


The bank manager looks back at her and says... 
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." 


(You're singing it, aren't you?  Yeah, I know you are........)


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## Northerner

Fabulous @Alan.tnh !


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## Annette

Even my OH laughed at that one... (he usually just groans...)


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## trophywench

Gosh, my friend Jen (who really isn't ever so good at either remembering jokes whatever or telling them ) told us that - about 1973 when she was a college!

The old uns really are the best, see?


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## Northerner

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. 
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' 
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. 
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuvre' but I never seed nobody done it.


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> I got pulled up last night by the police. The officer told me that he had stopped me because he believed that I had been drinking as my speed and general standard of driving had been highly erratic.  He went on to say that he could smell malt whisky on my breath and my eyes were very bloodshot. At that point he told me that he wanted me to blow into a roadside intoxymeter but I told him that I couldn't do, this because due to long standing chest complaint I ran the risk of not being able to regain my breath and dying. He went on to suggest that in this case then I would have to go to the police station and provide a sample of blood for analysis.  I told him that I couldn't do this either because giving blood ran the risk of upsetting the fine balance of my diabetic control.  He scratched his head and thought for a moment of two before suggesting hat he would require a urine sample. I told him that due to the complexities of my religious beliefs I would be unable to provide a urine sample. Finally he said ok then sir I require you to leave your vehicle and walk in straight line down the white line in the middle of the road. I told him that I would not be able to do this either because I was absolutely blind stinking drunk!!!!!!


That's not a true story, is it?


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> I bought a dog and it was forever chasing people on a bicycle. It got so bad that in the end I had to let his tyres down.


Haha!


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## Northerner

Fab


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## Stitch147

Hahahaha!!! Love it


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## khskel

Brilliant, keep 'em coming.


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## Contused

lol

However, old joke warning…

"Beat me! Beat me!" begged the masochist.

"N-o-o-o-o-o-o," taunted the sadist.


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## Northerner




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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Little Johnny tells his primary school teacher that his granddad had died the previous day. The teacher asked how it happened? So Johnny explains 'Well Miss he hit hid thumb with a hammer'. The teacher suggests that this type of injury is not usually life threatening. Johnny goes no 'No it isn't Miss but he wouldn't stop screaming so we shot him'.


Made me laugh too.


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## Northerner

Cough!


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## Contused




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## Matt Cycle

Diabeticliberty said:


> My mate was married to,a girl called Lorraine but was seeing another woman behind her back. The 'other woman' had the curious Christian name Clearly. After a short period of time he fell head over heels in love with her and his wife became suspicious. Sadly when on a visit to Chester Zoo his wife got eaten by a lion. At her funeral he could be heard singing 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone'



The old ones are the best.   Although when I was told it the 'other woman' was Claire which makes just a bit more sense than Clearly.


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## Superheavy

Matt Cycle said:


> The old ones are the best.   Although when I was told it the 'other woman' was Claire which makes just a bit more sense than Clearly.



Surely Claire Lee would be the girl you're thinking of?


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## Matt Cycle

Superheavy said:


> Surely Claire Lee would be the girl you're thinking of?



Ha, yes - that would work - the way it was told me to me that bit was extended and sung along the lines of 'I can see Claire..er..aire now that Lorraine has gone.'


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## Superheavy

Matt Cycle said:


> Ha, yes - that would work - the way it was told me to me that bit was extended and sung along the lines of 'I can see Claire..er..aire now that Lorraine has gone.'



if you, me and @Diabeticliberty workshop this joke, I'm sure we can get it into a serviceable condition. Unlike most of my own jokes. When Tracy Emin smears shit on to her bedclothes its art...when I do it its an overenthusiastic fart.


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## HOBIE

You cant trust them Painters


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## Northerner




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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> On my way to work this morning I saw a massive crowd of people walking in line. At the front of the crowd there was a feller with a little dog and in front of them a hearse. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked him 'What's going on?' He explained that in the hearse was his mother in law who had died after his little dog attacked her and killed her stone dead and he was on his way to the funeral. I couldn't believe it and asked if I might borrow the dog just for one night? He pointed to the crowd of people and said 'You can borrow the dog but get to the back of the queue'.


The stupid daft ones are the best


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## Stitch147

Hahahaha!!!


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## Ljc

Diabeticliberty said:


> One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.  This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.  More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.  When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.  The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


 Great .
It reminds of something I read about a Christmas fairy a few years back, I'll see if I can find it and put it here, if that's ok


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## Ljc

Diabeticliberty said:


> I can't wait


Here's the link 
http://lisburn.com/stories/christmas-fairy.html


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## Carolg

Ljc said:


> Here's the link
> http://lisburn.com/stories/christmas-fairy.html


Love it


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## Matt Cycle

A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a double entendre.    - So he gave her one.


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## Contused

*Oi larfed!*


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> My old granddad came round for dinner last night and was telling me that he really missed being able to.do the things he used to do as a teenager. I asked what he missed in particular and he replied that he missed flying planes and bombing Germans


Very good


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## Stitch147

hahahahaha!!! Love it.


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## Northerner

What has green pubic hair and an IQ of 180?
.
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
Bamber Grassgroin!


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## HOBIE

Was not expecting that !  Very good DL


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## HOBIE

Good


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## Northerner




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## HOBIE

Have just been looking over some of these brilliant jokes Well done DL


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## khskel

Diabeticliberty said:


> Awwwwww thanks Hobie. I am glad that they are appreciated.  I have posted one per day since joining the forum.  My thinking or at least my hope is that if I can brighten someone's day then they things have done what they were set out to achieve. Life is far too short and can be far to fickle to have a serious head on for 24 hours per day


Mission accomplished


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Awwwwww thanks Hobie. I am glad that they are appreciated.  I have posted one per day since joining the forum.  My thinking or at least my hope is that if I can brighten someone's day then they things have done what they were set out to achieve. Life is far too short and can be far to fickle to have a serious head on for 24 hours per day


Well well done to you DL as Khskel says Mission accomplished.  Thank you !  Keep em coming if u can


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> Awwwwww thanks Hobie. I am glad that they are appreciated.  I have posted one per day since joining the forum.  My thinking or at least my hope is that if I can brighten someone's day then they things have done what they were set out to achieve. Life is far too short and can be far to fickle to have a serious head on for 24 hours per day


They give me a daily chuckle, thank you  I confess I am also nicking them and posting them on my Facebook page


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Well young man. Be careful what you wish for. I have got loads and loads and loads of material.


You should do it for a living .


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## Contused

Diabeticliberty said:


> On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons…







*Shock! Horror!*


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## Contused

*Now there's a surprise!*


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> At last night's grand final of our annual pub quiz I was sadly beaten by the final question. The landlord asked which legendary creature was half man and half beast? I thought that Buffalo Bill was a perfectly proper reply


What's wrong with that ?    Daft landlord


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> An old genrleman in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the motorway". "It's worse than that", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"


Daft but good


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## Northerner

Haha! I love that one!


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"


Very good    What toast ?


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## HOBIE

Simple but good


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## Contused

*A likely story!*


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## Northerner

Brilliant!


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## Stitch147

Hahahaha!!! You definatley put a smile (or sometimes a groan) on my face in the mornings.


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## HOBIE

Daft but good !


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## HOBIE

Keep em coming DL


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## Northerner




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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A  man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him.  He's the one shaving you."


Smiles all around apart from the fella getting shaved


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## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> so I tied up his left foot


_*His*_ left foot?  No wonder he kept kicking the bucket over!


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## Stitch147

Not sure i'd want that milk!!!!


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## Northerner

That joke is even older than you!   I'm beginning to question whether these really are your jokes, or if you have got them from someone else...


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## Stitch147

Giraffes!


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## Contused

I've not heard that for quite some years…


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## HOBIE

Keep them coming DL


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## HOBIE

Brilliant.  I will remember that one


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> An elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?” The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.


Was not expecting that


----------



## Contused

Diabeticliberty said:


> …”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.








 Stuffin' McMuffin! Tut-tut…


----------



## mikeyB

Aye, the old ones are the best. I think I was in junior school when I first heard that one. Still funny, mind


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> An elderly lady was concerned about her husband’s hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn’t respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice. The doctor said to her, “When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you.” She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, “Herbert, what do you want for dinner?” No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time, “HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?” Herbert yelled back at her, “For the THIRD time, I want chicken!”


Thanks for this thread Diabeticliberty.  It's given me pages and pages of fun and they say that laughter is the best medicine (unless you're T2...and then it's Metformin).


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Phnar, phnar


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Sorry...should have been 'fnarr, fnarr' (ref Finbarr Saunders, Viz).


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I'm sending this one to my mum who'll forward it to her gang of silver surfing old-timers.  It's right up their street .


----------



## HOBIE

Heard it before but brilliant


----------



## Contused

Was the man named Cameron by any chance?


----------



## Tired Jack

Diabeticliberty said:


> Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I bet that I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Thanks DL.  I've just sent this to my dad.  He'll love it


----------



## khskel

Diabeticliberty said:


> A  man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."  The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"





Diabeticliberty said:


> A  man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."  The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!"


......a like from east of the pennines aka hell


----------



## Stitch147

Almost had another coffee moment!!! Note to self, dont drink coffee when reading post's by DL!!!!


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Five important lessons every man should learn
> 
> 
> 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
> 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
> 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
> 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
> 
> 5. It's very, very important that these four women never, ever meet each other


Is that how many you should have


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Thanks DL...lovin' your work


----------



## Northerner

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antique Roadshow.
"Wow" said the Presenter "This is a very rare set of dogs produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of the last Century"
"Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks?"..... said Paddy


----------



## mikeyB

I expect the examining doc was eating Strepsils, cos he was feeling a little hoarse.


----------



## Jonsi

A White Horse walks into a bar and orders a scotch.
The barman says "I've got a whisky named after you". 
The horse says "What?!! You've got a whisky called Kevin?"


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Don't do Guns


Good


----------



## Annette

I will never hear anything said against my mother in law. When she's around, she's the only one who can get a word in...


----------



## Jonsi

I spent a fortune getting my Mother in law a chair for her birthday. 

She just wouldn't let me plug it in!


----------



## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> I was reading a survey yesterday that suggested some think like 85% of the population of the UK were conceived on an Ikea bed. This really shocked me because every time I've been to Ikea the stores have been extremely well lit


Hehe! Nicked from the Fringe?  

I liked, "People who use selfie sticks need to have a good, long look at themselves..."


----------



## Jonsi

'Twas Number 4.

I liked Gary Delany's  "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words"


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I spent a fortune getting my Mother in law a chair for her birthday.
> 
> She just wouldn't let me plug it in!


The mother in law jokes reminded me of Bernard Righton.  Here's a link if you fancy a stroll down memory lane:


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> That's tomorrow's joke done for


it's a long list ...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Excellent.  Another one that will tickle my ma and pa.


----------



## Northerner

Groan!


----------



## Andy HB

So did I!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Here's a poser for you.  It came up in a pub quiz and nobody could bring the answer to mind.  Resist the temptation to Google...just ponder.  The answer will come back to you eventually:

In the British show 'It's a Knockout', the game played between the other games was called the 'Mini Marathon'.  What was the name of this element in the international version of the show 'Jeux sans Frontieres'?


----------



## Robin

Marsbartoastie said:


> Here's a poser for you.  It came up in a pub quiz and nobody could bring the answer to mind.  Resist the temptation to Google...just ponder.  The answer will come back to you eventually:
> 
> In the British show 'It's a Knockout', the game played between the other games was called the 'Mini Marathon'.  What was the name of this element in the international version of the show 'Jeux sans Frontieres'?


Le Fil Rouge.
I thought of it immediately( only just caught up with this thread)
Am I sad or what ( maybe don't answer that, I'd rather not know)


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Robin said:


> Le Fil Rouge.
> I thought of it immediately( only just caught up with this thread)
> Am I sad or what ( maybe don't answer that, I'd rather not know)


I wish you'd been on our team Robin.  That was the only question in the entire quiz that nobody could answer.


----------



## Stitch147

Marsbartoastie said:


> I wish you'd been on our team Robin.  That was the only question in the entire quiz that nobody could answer.



I used to do a weekly pub quiz and a question that only i could answer came up one day, the team i was in was the only team to get it right. It was, What is the plastic bit at the end of a shoelace called?
I thought it was really easy, but out of about 70 people I was the only one that knew it!


----------



## Annette

Thats an aglet (sp?) isnt it? One of those things that you have no idea why you know it but its lodged in your brain until you need it (like in a pub quiz).


----------



## Stitch147

Annette said:


> Thats an aglet (sp?) isnt it? One of those things that you have no idea why you know it but its lodged in your brain until you need it (like in a pub quiz).



Yep! Its one of those useless facts you dont know where it came from but its up there somewhere!


----------



## Stitch147

Diabeticliberty said:


> I went out last night from work into Liverpool City Centre and we did a pub quiz. I got so drunk I just sat there giggling and could really not be bothered listening to the questions. Just for a laugh I wrote either Steven Gerrard or The Beatles for every answer. I was really shocked when I won second prize



If we didnt know the answers we used to just put random stuff down, we'd agree on a stupid answer at the start and use it. We did get it right occasionally!!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Stitch147 said:


> I used to do a weekly pub quiz and a question that only i could answer came up one day, the team i was in was the only team to get it right. It was, What is the plastic bit at the end of a shoelace called?
> I thought it was really easy, but out of about 70 people I was the only one that knew it!


Well, like the other 70 people, I had no idea Stitch.
One of the other things I like at a pub quiz is the team names.  Some of them are outrageous


----------



## Stitch147

Marsbartoastie said:


> Well, like the other 70 people, I had no idea Stitch.
> One of the other things I like at a pub quiz is the team names.  Some of them are outrageous



We used to the Six Appeal!!!


----------



## Annette

There have been cases on Mastermind where the contestant has obviously decided on an answer to use instead of 'pass' because theyve used it several times - I seem to remember one that answered something like 'Stephen Gerrard' to half a dozen questions. Didnt get any right but didnt get any passes against them either...


----------



## Annette

I realise that as you have actually used that scouse quip before you know...


----------



## Northerner

Annette said:


> There have been cases on Mastermind where the contestant has obviously decided on an answer to use instead of 'pass' because theyve used it several times - I seem to remember one that answered something like 'Stephen Gerrard' to half a dozen questions. Didnt get any right but didnt get any passes against them either...


That makes a lot of sense - saves fumbling about for answers and wasting time, and just as likely a correct answer as 'pass'


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Hey DL...where's my 'daily groaner' this morning?  You're usually pretty quick off the mark.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Oh yeah...and when I miss a man beside me in bed Spinsters Anonymous sends someone round to prod me repeatedly in the small of the back with a broom handle.


----------



## mikeyB

...but a better man for it?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> A seventy four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing...



Another excellent one to send my ma and pa...and thence onward to their international band of silver surfers.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Ted and Mabel are watching TV.  When the adverts come on Mabel asks Fred if he fancies a bowl of vanilla ice cream. 
"That would be lovely" says Fred "Do we have any chocolate sauce?".  
"Yes, I'll squirt some on top for you" replies Mabel.  
"Now you know what your memory's like my lovely.  You should write it down or you'll forget" says Fred.
"Don't be daft" says Mabel "That's vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce".
"Oh...do we have any of those nutty sprinkles?" says Fred.
"We do" replies Mabel.
"I'll have some of those too please" says Fred.
"So that's vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce and nutty sprinkles" recites Mabel.
"Are you going to write it down my sweet?" says Fred "You know what your memory's like these days."
"I'll be fine" says Mabel "Would you like one of those chocolatey wafer rolls too?".
"Yes please" says Fred.  "This is going to be a real treat, but are you sure you don't need to write this down?".
"Don't you worry my darling" replies Mable "I'll remember it all.  Vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce, nutty sprinkles and a posh wafer roll".
Mabel goes into the kitchen.  After some time she returns and hands a bowl to Fred.
"Thank you" says Fred "but you really should have written it down.  You forgot the toast."


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> <snip>  You forgot the toast."


erm ...DL might cite you for plagiarism ...see July 4th post #211


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> erm ...DL might cite you for plagiarism ...see July 4th post #211


Oh lawdy!  My brain can only hold two jokes at any one time.  When a new one is delivered it has to delete an old one to make space.  The up-side of this is that it's very easy to keep me entertained.

Apologies DL.  That'll teach me to encroach on your area of specialism.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Thanks DL...how very gallant.


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi, its not very nice to point that out  In any case the toasted marshmallow tells it far better than me.  Ms Marshmallow please feel free to encroach any time you like


creep!


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Thanks DL...how very gallant.


he's not gallant ...he's a very naughty boy!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Snitch!


----------



## mikeyB

Will you boys and girls please behave, it's not nursery school.


----------



## Jonsi

_psssst!...Martiantoadstool, DL ...the prefect will tell on us if we're being silly  <fx: whistling>_


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Sorry Sir.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> _psssst!...Martiantoadstool, DL ...the prefect will tell on us if we're being silly  <fx: whistling>_


_psssst!...I was just pretending to be sorry._


----------



## mikeyB

Right, front of the class both of you. Face to the wall, and not another word


----------



## Marsbartoastie

_He's lost it now Jonsie...<fx snigger>_


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> Right, front of the class both of you. Face to the wall, and not another word


Sir ...if I called you a rude name you could punish me, mebbe wallop me with _'the big slipper'_ ...but if I just think it you can't can you?
.
.
.
.
Well I _think_ you're a B@££%!#


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Ahhhhhhhhhhh well Mrs Smartypantstoastedonsie that's where you are completely wrong see. To lose it you have to know where it was in the first place. Read my posts and it is quite plain to see that I never had it in the first place nah nah nah nah nah


_on the ropes and counting I'd say MarshlandPostie <fx: chortle>_


----------



## mikeyB

Ritalin all round, children. The tablets are on me...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Ahhhhhhhhhhh well Mrs Smartypantstoastedonsie that's where you are completely wrong see. To lose it you have to know where it was in the first place. Read my posts and it is quite plain to see that I never had it in the first place nah nah nah nah nah


Less of your cheek young man...or I'll show you _exactly _where it is!


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> Ritalin all round, children. The tablets are on me...


Oooh good....even *more* drugs


----------



## mikeyB

Forget the Ritalin. Chlorpromazine?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Forget the Ritalin. Chlorpromazine?


When I was at school my mate's mother took Valium and she had a massive brown glass jar containing hundreds.  We would go home at lunchtime and complain of some ache knowing that her mother would give us half a Valium each.  We then returned to school...completely off our faces.  It's a wonder I got any sort of education.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I only work 3 1/2 days a week so my weekend starts now...hurrah!  See ya on Saturday me old muckers.  Over and out.


----------



## Jonsi

I once confused a Viagra with a Throat lozenge ...had a stiff neck for days


----------



## Stitch147

You lot have really made me smile today.


thank you XXX


----------



## Jonsi

Stitch147 said:


> You lot have really made me smile today.
> 
> 
> thank you XXX


You should see me with no clothes on ...you'd be splitting your sides laughing!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."


If anyone knows of a bar that offers booze + a dazzling array of chocolates...I need to know about it!!!


----------



## Greyhound Gal

A good laugh to start the day . Thanks DL, you can always be relied upon!


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A chap was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.  "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"  Now the chap gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.  "How do you know this sister?"  "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"  "Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself"  "Then let me buy you a drink. If you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"  "How could I, a nun sit outside this public house drinking?!"  "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The nun reluctantly agrees, so the fella goes inside to the bar.  "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman " Could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It's not that nun again is it?"


Good


----------



## Marsbartoastie

...and he's back in the game.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

That's one I'm not sending to my ma and pa.  I don't want to give them ideas.


----------



## Stitch147

hahaha! Love it.


----------



## Stitch147

Im jumping on the bandwagon!!!

Two nuns painting a room in their convent, they decide to lock the door and strip naked so they dont get paint on their robes.
Seconds later theres a knock on the door...
"Who is it?" shus the nuns.
"Bling man" says the voice.....
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and decide no harm can come from letting a blind man in the room.
they open the door.
"Frackinhell cracking tits" says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"


----------



## Andy HB

Did the nuns deliberately mishear what the bling man said?


----------



## Lilian

I have a friend who used to keep boasting how she and her team had won a pub quiz yet again.   It was getting quite boring.   So one day I found out which pub they were going to and came along with a team of my own.   My team ended up joint first with another team - although came second in the play off.    However the satisfying bit was that her team did not win and we were equal with the winners until the play off but nevertheless had more marks than they had.    After that I never heard a peep out of her about going to quizzes lol.    However it was a bit of a gamble because had it gone the other way I would never have heard the end of it.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Wierdo!


----------



## Andy HB

Marsbartoastie said:


> Wierdo!



Why? The parson's nose is the 'best bit' of a roast chicken/turkey.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Andy HB said:


> Why? The parson's nose is the 'best bit' of a roast chicken/turkey.


Perhaps, but hardly worth ogling unless it's crisply roasted and set before you on the dinner table  We've _all _got our eye on the parson's nose in that scenario


----------



## Jonsi

Andy HB said:


> Why? The parson's nose is the 'best bit' of a roast chicken/turkey.


...only if you're a cat


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> ...only if you're a cat


Oh come on Jonsi...who doesn't like a nice fat bottom?1


----------



## mikeyB

Marsbartoastie said:


> Oh come on Jonsi...who doesn't like a nice fat bottom?1


Me. I've got chronic pancreatitis, and the specialist told me to avoid fat.


----------



## Greyhound Gal

ROFL ! Just like some of them I work with!


----------



## Northerner

My mate David had his id stolen yesterday.

Now we have to call him Dav


----------



## mikeyB

On the subject of frogs, a frog is sitting by a pond, and spies a nice tasty slug on a lily pad right in the middle of the pond. He's getting old , so he can only jump half the distance. Same with the next jump, only half the distance. And so it goes, half the distance each time cos he's getting tired

How many jumps does he need to reach the slug?


----------



## Northerner

mikeyB said:


> How many jumps does he need to reach the slug?


None, because by now the slug has spotted him and, being a form of ferocious mutant uber-slug, he leaps on the frog and tears him mercilessly limb from limb...


----------



## mikeyB

DL is right. Northerner has been smoking those funny cigarettes again, naughty boy.


----------



## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> DL is right? Oh my giddy aunt this is a first for me.  Actually I don't like it.......its too much too soon. Please tell me I'm wrong again


I'm afraid Mike has misdiagnosed you - you are so, so, wrong, to levels of wrongness I hadn't previously conceived of, but now I know the world is a much scarier place than I first thought...


----------



## Northerner

Oops! Finger slipped on the 'Like' button


----------



## Lilian

Why can a man never starve in the Great Desert? Because he can eat the sand which is there. How did there come to be sand which is there? Because that is where Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred.


----------



## mikeyB

Nice one, Lilian


----------



## Andy HB

That was a joke of biblical portions!


----------



## andyboy

Teacher says to the class. At the end of every day i will ask a question and who ever gets it correct can go early. Well this happens every day but the questions are so hard nobody knows the answer. After a while little johnny has an idea and takes 2 malteasers into school. When the teacher is about to ask the question he rolls them down the front of the class. Ok who's the comedian with brown ball asks the teacher, johnny shouts sammy davies junior miss can i go now.


----------



## mikeyB

Good grief, Andy, I first heard that joke at junior school, around 1959 or 60. The giveaway is the punchline. Go to the back of the class this instant


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> How do you make a hormone?
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Don't pay her


Groan, very old


----------



## Owen

Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step.  What should I do?' 

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'


----------



## HOBIE

Northerner said:


> My mate David had his id stolen yesterday.
> 
> Now we have to call him Dav


Daft but good


----------



## Owen

When I was dating a student nurse, I remember some phrases, used by the medical profession.

BUNDY-breathing, unfortunately not dead yet.

NFN-Normal for Norfolk

Were two the I remember.


----------



## Jonsi

Owen said:


> When I was dating a student nurse, I remember some phrases, used by the medical profession.
> 
> BUNDY-breathing, unfortunately not dead yet.
> 
> NFN-Normal for Norfolk
> 
> Were two the I remember.


FLK = Funny Looking Kid


----------



## mikeyB

Owen said:


> When I was dating a student nurse, I remember some phrases, used by the medical profession.
> 
> BUNDY-breathing, unfortunately not dead yet.
> 
> NFN-Normal for Norfolk
> 
> Were two the I remember.


BKDG - Black knickers and dark glasses. Apparently a sure fire flag for pelvic inflammatory disease. This is not my opinion, I hasten to add.

Apparently a newer one is DOG. Diagnosed on Google.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

"Darling.  Why do you never moan when we make love?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
"When are you going to get round to filling the cracks in this ceiling and giving it a coat of paint.  Look at the wallpaper in the corner...it's coming away from the wall.  I think we must have damp.  I bet you didn't remember to put the recycling out...etc"


----------



## Andy HB

The cheek of it. Anyway, hope you catch loads of bottom feeders. 

Andy


----------



## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> Sorry folks but there will be no daily joke after this one until Monday next week. I am away tomorrow on a fishing trip and am likely to have very little or no mobile signal. I expect you all to behave yourselves in my absence.


Good fishing!  Hope you have a great time


----------



## Marsbartoastie




----------



## Jonsi

Andy HB said:


> The cheek of it. Anyway, hope you catch loads of bottom feeders.
> 
> Andy


There you go again...encouraging him mentioning cheek and bottom in the same sentence. He's already had his worm out..._<sigh> _


----------



## khskel

Diabeticliberty said:


> While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
> 
> 
> 
> Sorry folks but there will be no daily joke after this one until Monday next week. I am away tomorrow on a fishing trip and am likely to have very little or no mobile signal. I expect you all to behave yourselves in my absence.


Is that a threat or a promise :q


----------



## mikeyB

Good fishing, DL. Where are you off to? Catching Sailfish on Hawaii? Catching Piranhas on the Amazon? Catching an STD in Vietnam?


----------



## Northerner

mikeyB said:


> Good fishing, DL. Where are you off to? Catching Sailfish on Hawaii? Catching Piranhas on the Amazon? Catching an STD in Vietnam?


Brings to mind this excellent book...


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> All I have to do is get through today with my sanity and virginity intact and I am gonna point my titty's norffffff


I'm frankly astonished that you have any of either left!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Sorry folks but there will be no daily joke after this one until Monday next week. I am away tomorrow on a fishing trip and am likely to have very little or no mobile signal. I expect you all to behave yourselves in my absence.


Coincidentally, I will also be 'off grid' from tomorrow through until Sunday.  Far from heeding your admonishment to behave myself...I intend to be utterly debauched!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Holawhackamola Toadstool I thought my salmon fishing was exciting. Your own spooky agenda makes mine read like tepid bathwater  Somebody always seems to outdo me and this time outdone by a mere lady


Typo alert.  Surely you meant 'merry' rather than 'mere'.  You better have...or I will descend upon you like a woman who's just discovered that someone has eaten her emergency bar of Galaxy!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I have just reread my post and I did indeed get it wrong. I meant a mere trlifle


I'm warning you now fancyarse...you're playing with fire today!!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Although now that I think about it I've never tried trlifle...which sounds intriguing!


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> I'm warning you now fancyarse...you're playing with fire today!!!


you mentioned the 'A' word again Martian ..._stop encouraging him._

right ...if you're going to be debauched for another weekend (1 week Barcelona next week Debauchery) then I would like...nay, _*insist*_ that you bring back photographic evidence to show the forum.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> you mentioned the 'A' word again Martian ..._stop encouraging him._
> 
> right ...if you're going to be debauched for another weekend (1 week Barcelona next week Debauchery) then I would like...nay, _*insist*_ that you bring back photographic evidence to show the forum.


I'm aware that many members of the forum have problems with their eyes.  I wouldn't want to cause further damage by exposing them to photographic evidence of my antics.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I can wear glasses. Go on, if you show me yours Ill show you mine


And he's back to arses!  It's a hole in one every time!


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> And he's back to arses!  It's a hole in one every time!


C'mon ...now you're just being vulgar.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> C'mon ...now you're just being vulgar.


...and your complaint is...???


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi, bless him is complaining on my behalf. I lack the wherewithal to mount a complaint using long clever words so Jonsi, bless him has championed my cause against the lady who dared to mention my hoop and its veritable hula. Bet you not got a clever answer for this one Miss Cleverclogs have ya, have ya have ya?


It's come to something when you need a gang to mount an effective 'rear'guard action. 

_Did you see what I did there?  I'm quite proud of that one. _


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> ...and your complaint is...???


Diabetes (just can't get those numbers down), Arthritis, Depression and the fact that I really want a Mars Bar right now ...oh, and that I didn't win the Lottery last week.
On the Up side ...I'm not as tired as I used to be since I started on Humulin.

As for calling me _'a gang'_. Look lady ...I know that there's enough of me to make 2 Jonsi's but really  ...and maybe I've been booked to do 'crowd scenes on Welsh TV, on my own' but that doesn't give you the right to call me a gang. Large-ish (that's kind of like large) maybe, Big-ish (that's kind of big) maybe, Old-ish (kind of like Old but not really, really old) possibly but 'gang'.

You said you were Scott-ish (kind of like a Scot) but not really - hence Scotch.

Ta-Da!, Boom-Tish slam dunk!  Shove that up your petticoat and feel the draught missus !


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Diabetes (just can't get those numbers down), Arthritis, Depression and the fact that I really want a Mars Bar right now ...oh, and that I didn't win the Lottery last week.
> On the Up side ...I'm not as tired as I used to be since I started on Humulin.
> 
> As for calling me _'a gang'_. Look lady ...I know that there's enough of me to make 2 Jonsi's but really  ...and maybe I've been booked to do 'crowd scenes on Welsh TV, on my own' but that doesn't give you the right to call me a gang. Large-ish (that's kind of like large) maybe, Big-ish (that's kind of big) maybe, Old-ish (kind of like Old but not really, really old) possibly but 'gang'.
> 
> You said you were Scott-ish (kind of like a Scot) but not really - hence Scotch.
> 
> Ta-Da!, Boom-Tish slam dunk!  Shove that up your petticoat and feel the draught missus !



The only thing better than one Jonsi would be two Jonsis my lovely.  You're a prince.  As for being old-ish.  We're the same age and I'm still a nipper...so get with the programme.  Haven't you heard?  56 is the new 16!

You're kind of right about me being Scott-ish.  I speak with a Yorkshire accent.

If you don't mind I'll shove it up my kilt...because I'll be wearing one tomorrow for my journey northward.  Hurrah!


----------



## mikeyB

Look you guys, if Marsbar and I want a quiet educational weekend together, please let us go in peace. It's one of those weekend courses on balloon modelling for beginners. By the end of the weekend we hope to produce a convincing working model of DLs arse, which we can then photograph in compromising positions and sell the results to the St Helens Observer.


----------



## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> The only thing better than one Jonsi would be two Jonsis my lovely.  You're a prince.  As for being old-ish.  We're the same age and I'm still a nipper...so get with the programme.  Haven't you heard?  56 is the new 16!
> 
> You're kind of right about me being Scott-ish.  I speak with a Yorkshire accent.
> 
> If you don't mind I'll shove it up my kilt...because I'll be wearing one tomorrow for my journey northward.  Hurrah!


It gets worse


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Look you guys, if Marsbar and I want a quiet educational weekend together, please let us go in peace. It's one of those weekend courses on balloon modelling for beginners. By the end of the weekend we hope to produce a convincing working model of DLs arse, which we can then photograph in compromising positions and sell the results to the St Helens Observer.


Remember to bring the lube.  Apparently it helps to apply it before attempting any complex manoeuvres.  There's nothing worse than friction spoiling things when you've put in a lot of effort.
*
*
*
*
*
After all...we don't want any of our balloons to pop as we create our masterpiece.


----------



## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> Remember to bring the lube.  Apparently it helps to apply it before attempting any complex manoeuvres.  There's nothing worse than friction spoiling things when you've put in a lot of effort.
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> After all...we don't want any of our balloons to pop as we create our masterpiece.


From the attic I heard a scream, someone put sand in the Vaseline


----------



## Jonsi

...and he's back in the room


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Hold on tight folks, the ride's about to begin again.....


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> Hello all, I am back from fishing adventures. Just a quick one to get going with. The regular stuff returns tomorrow.
> 
> 
> What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA? Kicked out Whipsnade Zoo.


Welcome back, I did manage to get one inappropriate comment in your absence


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A girl that I work with told me that the other night she was invited out for a night with "the girls."  She told her husband that she would be home by midnight. "I promise!"  Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.  Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, she headed for home.  Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly realising her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him midnight.  He didn't seem disturbed at all.  (Whew! Got away with that one!).  Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."  When she asked him why? He said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."


Honestly you should be on the stage


----------



## mikeyB

HOBIE said:


> Honestly you should be on the stage


What stage would that be? Deadwood?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> What stage would that be? Deadwood?


Now if you suggested a Calamity Jane theme night at the Banting I'd be totally 'up for it'.  Far better than yon Greasy Palms Night you organised.  We could have a singalong to the soundtrack.  It's just hit after hit after hit...and my favourite musical of all time. 

_<singing: Oh whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away, whip-crack-away>_


----------



## mikeyB

Ah, but my favourite of all time is Cabaret...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Ah, but my favourite of all time is Cabaret...


Sounds good to me.  So that's Calamity Jane Night and Cabaret Night.  It would be good if you could plan a Strictly Finals Night too.  I know how much you and the other punters enjoy the show.  It would also be an opportunity for the guys to put on some slap and 'drag up'.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> If you are brandishing a whip Toadstool then you are hired for the season


I have a riding crop.  Will that do?


----------



## Stitch147

Marsbartoastie said:


> Sounds good to me.  So that's Calamity Jane Night and Cabaret Night.  It would be good if you could plan a Strictly Finals Night too.  I know how much you and the other punters enjoy the show.  It would also be an opportunity for the guys to put on some slap and 'drag up'.



Then I propose a Rocky Horror night!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Stitch147 said:


> Then I propose a Rocky Horror night!


Good thinking Stitch.  I second that motion


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I commend your sense of gritty determination to have that tawdry, tacky piece of fodder for the masses tat be accepted by the forum 'real men'. The thing is though I would rather perform surgery on my own hemorrhoids using only a dessert spoon and a first year medical students homework notes than be subjected to watching that steaming pile of horse droppings. I guess then that your request after due and careful consideration has been rejected without prejudice


Who made you the boss?!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I believe that @Jonsi is Ents Manager.  Jonsi...what do you think mate?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Holawhackamola Toadstool you are gonna make this poor ole farmboy drop stone cold deed of priapism with comments like that one


Yes...remember that I have a riding crop...and watch your lip young man.


----------



## mikeyB

We should move this erudite conversation into the pub, but I agree with DL about Strictly, and he's the Ents manager now. Jonsi sleeps too much.

And I look good in drag, DL. The neatly trimmed beard finishes off the look.

And how did you get priapism past the beady eye of the moderators? It stands out like a sore thumb.


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> We should move this erudite conversation into the pub, but I agree with DL about Strictly, and he's the Ents manager now. Jonsi sleeps too much.
> 
> And I look good in drag, DL. The neatly trimmed beard finishes off the look.
> 
> And how did you get priapism past the beady eye of the moderators? It stands out like a sore thumb.


He's not the Ents Manager ...he's a very naughty boy. He's on the door because of his Popeye forearms.

As for my own sleeping habits ...I wish I could get more sleep than I do now, I'm nearly always dead tired (but we know why that is - _blame it on D, boogie_).

I quite like the idea of a Chlamidia Jane night, a Schlocky Horror night (you can dress up in stockings and suspenders for that one @Diabeticliberty and Time Warp with Stitch) and I particularly like the idea of a Strictly Finals night. Not so sure about Cabaret but I'm willing to let @mikeyB to dress up as Sally Bowles if he wants 'cos I don't think it would affect our licence.

There won't be any sheep. Happy now - I'm back off to bed.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> He's not the Ents Manager ...he's a very naughty boy. He's on the door because of his Popeye forearms.
> 
> As for my own sleeping habits ...I wish I could get more sleep than I do now, I'm nearly always dead tired (but we know why that is - _blame it on D, boogie_).
> 
> I quite like the idea of a Chlamidia Jane night, a Schlocky Horror night (you can dress up in stockings and suspenders for that one @Diabeticliberty and Time Warp with Stitch) and I particularly like the idea of a Strictly Finals night. Not so sure about Cabaret but I'm willing to let @mikeyB to dress up as Sally Bowles if he wants 'cos I don't think it would affect our licence.
> 
> There won't be any sheep. Happy now - I'm back off to bed.


Thanks Jonsi.  I shall inform the Banting Committee of your sage adjudication.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

It'll be interesting to see how long it takes for that one to be deleted!


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> I cannot put into words my sense of dismay and raw disappointment  when I was met with with a 2 hour road safety feature from The Department Of Transport about tyres


It would have satisfied your penchant for rubber surely?


----------



## Jonsi

It's not the size of the nail that counts but the size of the hammer you hit it with!


I have a large hammer


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> It's not the size of the nail that counts but the size of the hammer you hit it with!
> 
> 
> I have a large hammer


When you've finished waving your big hammer about...I think the sheep need seeing to.


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> When you've finished waving your big hammer about...I think the sheep need seeing to.


Iestyn's on the sheep today ...I've told him about it before but he won't listen


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> On Saturday night a lesbian asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer


Made me smile the second time I read it


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Iestyn's on the sheep today ...I've told him about it before but he won't listen


If Lestyn and the sheep are consenting adults then I suppose what they get up to is their own business.  I just hope that it's within the context of a loving relationship.


----------



## Jonsi

I don't know about consenting adults ...but her mother was watching


----------



## Owen

Ewe should know better


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I don't know about consenting adults ...but her mother was watching


I'm glad to hear that they were being chaperoned.  You can't be too careful around Welshies.


----------



## mikeyB

The first person to mention Wellington boots gets reported to the moderators, and can we please stop this racist characterisation of welsh sheep being men shaggers.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> The first person to mention Wellington boots gets reported to the moderators, and can we please stop this racist characterisation of welsh sheep being men shaggers.


Baaaaa humbug


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> I saw what ewe did there then


I just knew you could not resist talking baa lucks


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Owen said:


> I just knew you could not resist talking baa lucks


Sorry mate...it's my new default setting.  I think I caught it from the Dynamic Ladyboy.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I am really sorry but your answer is a bit wooly. Ewe need to stop flocking around and  provide straight answers or you may be for the chop young man


And the winner of 'the greatest number of sheep related puns in one sentence' is....drumroll...Diabolical Luncheonmeat!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Madam I'll have you know that there is nothing diabolical about the meat that I pack. I can however make no statement regarding any spooky intentions that may fester in the dark recesses of my twisted mind regarding intentions for said meat


Madam!  Madam!!!  I've had many jobs, but I am not and never have been a brothel keeper.  Harumph


----------



## mikeyB

Marsbartoastie said:


> Madam!  Madam!!!  I've had many jobs, but I am not and never have been a brothel keeper.  Harumph


Don't get upset, Marsbar, it's never too late to start


----------



## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> And the winner of 'the greatest number of sheep related puns in one sentence' is....drumroll...Diabolical Luncheonmeat!


I've been fleeced


----------



## Owen

mikeyB said:


> Don't get upset, Marsbar, it's never too late to start


Careful, she'll have by the Jacobs


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Owen said:


> Careful, she'll have by the Jacobs


I usually have some butter and cheese by the Jacobs...and perhaps a few grapes.  You did mean cream crackers I trust?


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Madam!  Madam!!!  I've had many jobs, but I am not and never have been a brothel keeper.  Harumph


I don't think this pub sells much beer so how the hell we're going to get people to buy broth is beyond me!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I don't think this pub sells much beer so how the hell we're going to get people to buy broth is beyond me!


Speaking of which...Mikey should be opening the doors soon.  My weekend starts now...so I'm off to do a few errands.  Perhaps I'll see you later in the Banting?  I'll let you buy me a drink if you promise to behave.


----------



## Annette

Marsbartoastie said:


> if you promise to behave.


And what fun will that be then?


----------



## mikeyB

Well, I suppose sheep make a pleasant change from all the cats folk seem to have a disturbingly unhealthy relationship with on this forum. 

Bar's open for Zoophiles of any stripe, by the way


----------



## HOBIE

andyboy said:


> Teacher says to the class. At the end of every day i will ask a question and who ever gets it correct can go early. Well this happens every day but the questions are so hard nobody knows the answer. After a while little johnny has an idea and takes 2 malteasers into school. When the teacher is about to ask the question he rolls them down the front of the class. Ok who's the comedian with brown ball asks the teacher, johnny shouts sammy davies junior miss can i go now.


The old ones are the best !


----------



## Marsbartoastie

My dad used to drop us off at Sunday School every week and afterwards we walked home via the swing park.  Many years later I challenged him about sending us to church when he's quite stridently anti-religion.  He explained that in order to understand history and art in a Christian society it was essential that we had an understanding of religion...which sounds quite plausible.  However, my mum told the truth...that it was a free babysitting service which bought them a couple of hours in bed every Sunday morning.  The crafty little sexpots!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"


For a far dirtier 'stand up' version you could replace 'infrequently' with 'inanely'


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> For a far dirtier 'stand up' version you could replace 'infrequently' with 'inanely'


Dirty Bird!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Dirty Bird!!


I'm choosing to take that as a compliment


----------



## mikeyB

You can tell the age of that joke by the money. These days it's at least £150 for a full night.

I'm told


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Laughter and cake...two of my favourite things. Thanks for that one DL


----------



## Northerner

Who's 'Bob Vila'?


----------



## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> Sadly we do not have any really famous British rof repairers and home improvement guru's. I felt it prudent then to utilise one of those American geezers.
> 
> 
> http://www.bobvila.com/


Have you not heard of Bob the Builder then? Or are they the same person?


----------



## Northerner

Or Barry Bucknell?


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> I have an inherent distrust of geezers in ties who roll up their sleeves. It reminds me of my old geography teacher Mr Graham. He once gave me 976,000 lines for a very minor transgression. A most unwholesome individual


have you finished them yet?


----------



## Jonsi

DastardlyBertie said:


> Sadly we do not have any really famous British rof repairers


I need my rof repairing but there's nobody in Yellow Pages who repairs rofs. Surely there's a Polish rof repairer somewhere, they seem to be able to do everything else - Panting, Pluming, Pastering, Diveways, Uttering
Can anyone recommend a good rof repairer? Anyone...??


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I need my rof repairing but there's nobody in Yellow Pages who repairs rofs. Surely there's a Polish rof repairer somewhere, they seem to be able to do everything else - Panting, Pluming, Pastering, Diveways, Uttering
> Can anyone recommend a good rof repairer? Anyone...??


Send me contact details for the big Polish fella who does the panting please...I like the sound of that


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Send me contact details for the big Polish fella who does the panting please...I like the sound of that


Dirty Bird!!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Dirty Bird!!!


Thank you very much


----------



## mikeyB

And the Diveways, Marsbar?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> And the Diveways, Marsbar?


How on earth did I miss that one?!


----------



## Jonsi

prolly too busy ogling some Polish Panter!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> prolly too busy ogling some Polish Panter!


There's something rattling around in my brain regarding a Polish Panter who provides gardening services and the fact that my bush needs seeing to...but I can't quite pull it together. I'm putting this lack of linguistic dexterity down to hunger.  It's time for lunch.


----------



## Jonsi

Hi Marsbar ...have you ever had Crabs?

Reason I ask is that they're supposed to be very good at staving off hunger and are low carb/low cal etc.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Hi Marsbar ...have you ever had Crabs?
> 
> Reason I ask is that they're supposed to be very good at staving off hunger and are low carb/low cal etc.


Jonsi...we're going to get banned.


----------



## Northerner

Marsbartoastie said:


> Jonsi...we're going to get banned.


Hovering over the button...!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

On a completely different subject...I've just arrange to meet Stitch for lunch on Wednesday.  She needs cheering up...and that's my speciality.


----------



## Jonsi

Northerner said:


> Hovering over the button...!


Sorry ...thought we were in the B&B


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Take it to the pub DL!!!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

@Diabeticliberty 
Why not abandon the 'Sarcastic Slogan' thread and post your daily joke on the noticeboard in the Banting & Best?  That would allow us to enjoy the often stimulating discussion it provokes in a more suitable arena.  It would also get us together in the pub every morning...the place is looking a little forlorn these days.  Anyway...just a suggestion that you might like to ponder.


----------



## mikeyB

I'm up for that. The pub has been refurbished over the weekend. So gone are the high cistern toilets, we've installed lights in the garden area for smokers and children, the packs of unhealthy pork cracking have gone, and, for the first time ever, we've had carpets fitted in the public bar as well as the lounge. We've also removed the mirrors from behind the bar, so you don't have to look at your glassy eyed stare as you drink yourself into a welcome oblivion.

What's not to like?


----------



## Owen

Po


Diabeticliberty said:


> I have just received a reply from our highly illustrious moderator who has told me that we are unable to have a sub category in the pub called. Joke Of The Day. This means that a daily joke posted in there will just bleed into all of the other tomfoolery that regularly goes on in there. This presents us with a problem.  I can start a thread all of its own with the highly imaginative title of 'Joke Of The Day'. Alternatively I can just post the jokes in the pub and you are all free to comment on them as you choose. As the forum is a platform in which we all contribute I will throw this open to all of you. Please post replies as to how you feel the daily jokes should go and I will go with the majority decision.


Post them where ever you like.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

This reminded me of something stupid.  I once went to a salon for a session on a Slendertone type machine.  I stripped off and had little pads attached to my wobbly bits and the big circular dial on the machine was set to 1.  The woman in charge told me that I'd feel little shocks and before leaving to answer the phone said that she'd be back in a few minutes to turn it up a bit.  I could hear her on the phone and the conversation was going on and on.  I therefore decided to adjust the dial myself.  I took it up to 2 and the sensation only increased minimally.  I tried 5 which created a far more convincing muscle twitch response, but nothing unbearable.  I then decided to turn it all the way to 10 for maximum benefit.  The next shock almost threw me across the room.  What a plank!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Excellent 'sign off' joke.  Have a fantastic hol and don't get too mullered


----------



## Stitch147

Have a fantastic time fishing.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I lead a very uncomplicated life. I fish and play piano and drink the occasional sherry with Sunday lunch. With these facts in mind how do I determine if I am in fact 'too mullered'. I usually wok on the premise that if I can still see red and green then I am still at least semi conscious


You'll know you're drunk if you find yourself holding on to the grass to stop falling over.  Losing an argument with an inanimate object is also a sure sign that it's time to turn in for the night.


----------



## Northerner

Have a great time, don't do anything....errrr...you wouldn't do!


----------



## Owen

Northerner said:


> Have a great time, don't do anything....errrr...you wouldn't do!


Wasted words me thinks?


----------



## Northerner

Owen said:


> Wasted words me thinks?


Having met the man on a couple of occasions, I get the impression that saying 'don't do anything I wouldn't do' would severely curtail his options, not least being that I haven't had a drop to drink since 3/1/2016


----------



## Owen

Northerner said:


> Having met the man on a couple of occasions, I get the impression that saying 'don't do anything I wouldn't do' would severely curtail his options, not least being that I haven't had a drop to drink since 3/1/2016


I stopped drinking in 1996, don't miss it at all, I was keen but not to the level of it being a problem.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Northerner said:


> Having met the man on a couple of occasions, I get the impression that saying 'don't do anything I wouldn't do' would severely curtail his options, not least being that I haven't had a drop to drink since 3/1/2016





Owen said:


> I stopped drinking in 1996, don't miss it at all, I was keen but not to the level of it being a problem.



"...haven't had a drop to drink since 3/1..." "...I stopped drinking in 1996..."
You two must be feckin' dessicated


----------



## Northerner

Marsbartoastie said:


> "...haven't had a drop to drink since 3/1..." "...I stopped drinking in 1996..."
> You two must be feckin' dessicated


It's called the 'De-Hydro Diet' - only £100 a month for a full supply of bottles containing pure mountain air, infused with cinnamon.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Northerner said:


> It's called the 'De-Hydro Diet' - only £100 a month for a full supply of bottles containing pure mountain air, infused with cinnamon.


That sounds like the kind of nutty diet that people with more money than sense would actually buy.  Let's take it to market!


----------



## mikeyB

I've got more money than sense, but that's not saying much


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> I've got more money than sense, but that's not saying much


...and I have way more sense than money.  Let's form a tag team.


----------



## mikeyB

I'm up for that, Marsbar, I'm used to women bleeding my bank account.


----------



## Jonsi

I've no money and no sense... Is this a record?... Or is that the black disc with a hole in the centre?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

As the Distracting Linguist is away, here's one that combines two of his passions...

Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish.

And one for the wimmin....

If you cook a man a fish, you feed him for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, you get rid of him for the whole weekend.


----------



## Owen

Just had to post this comment from Yes Prime minister

It's a horrible country where women get stoned for committing adultery, I prefer Britain where people commit adultery for getting stoned


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Good to have you back DL.  Once again we can start each day as we mean to go on...with a smile.


----------



## Jonsi

Oi...fish fiddler... Are you calling me the forum massive? How very dare you!


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> Good to be back Toadstool. I was getting a little bit worried that my forum massive might have forgotten about me. I tend to live my life and my forum life a little bit low key and under the radar. Shyness makes it difficult for me to express myself so you will all have to bring me back our of the shell that I reverted to while fishing and drinking and being a juvenile delinquent


Keep at it DL !


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Good to be back Toadstool. I was getting a little bit worried that my forum massive might have forgotten about me. I tend to live my life and my forum life a little bit low key and under the radar. Shyness makes it difficult for me to express myself so you will all have to bring me back our of the shell that I reverted to while fishing and drinking and being a juvenile delinquent


I'm sure we'll all do our best to facilitate your re-entry into civilised society.  It's difficult for a delicate flower such as yourself to bloom in this dog-eat-dog arena.  However, it's a support forum...and we must therefore try to nurture the delicate shoots of your shy demeanour.


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi bach how the hell are you Tarzan? The past few days have been filled with salmon and booze and general silliness. It is good to get back here to some normali............hang on a minute


In a perverse way I'm glad you're back...the wimmin have been a bit... Erm...unruly. Martian has taken to farting in public and drinking Cointreau, Alison had been getting pissed, Rosie's been downing Mothers ruin like it's going out of fashion, Hazel just keeps shouting for more wine and the barman is trying to turn the pub into a Pétomainiac's retreat and Northerner has taken to lurking in the corner of the pub sipping a Diet Cola. I never thought I'd ever end up saying this but, at least with you we know that you're a dingbat!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> While the general theme of your reply makes me feel all kinda warm and special I must take issue with the delicate shoot comment. I have never shot delicately in all of my life. I usually make a hell of a mess. I am actually referring to clay pigeons but if you are thinking what I think you are thinking then what are you doing on Friday night?


The silver tongued cavalier rides again!


----------



## khskel

Abnormal service is resumed. Looking forward to tomorrow mornings chortle/groanfest


----------



## Marsbartoastie

DL lights the blue touchpaper and retires.   What have you got @Jonsi?


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> DL lights the blue touchpaper and retires.   What have you got @Jonsi?


no need to respond ...@DiabeticLiberty is clearly rattled by the fact that he's not Welsh so he takes pot shots. We are better than this.
We shall leave him in a river somewhere playing with his tiddler.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> no need to respond ...@DiabeticLiberty is clearly rattled by the fact that he's not Welsh so he takes pot shots. We are better than this.
> We shall leave him in a river somewhere playing with his tiddler.


Surely you meant 'whopper'!?


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Surely you meant 'whopper'!?


I know what I meant and I know what I wrote. No need for TippEx or an Edit


----------



## Stitch147

Ive missed these of a morning. Welcome back DL. X


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi has taken the 'high ground'.  There's a first time for everything!


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Aw come on Jonsi bach a man of your highly enhanced verbal dexterity must be able to cobble together a moderately more enthusiastic response than this one. it is no fun to kick you in the metaphorical shins if you ain't gonna bite off my ear or the end of my nose. Please try harder


Me ...put my gnashers around any part of your anatomy ...I'd rather nail my gentleman vegetables to a plank with rusty nails!!

I know that it must be hard for you not being Welsh when I know deep down that is what your heart truly desires but at least you can say with pride that a Welshman is a frien... erm, a mukk... erm, a bud... is aware of you! 



Marsbartoastie said:


> Jonsi has taken the 'high ground'.  There's a first time for everything!


It would not be difficult to take the high ground over you ...when _you_ are starting from *such* a low level to begin with 

Tag! you're it...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> It would not be difficult to take the high ground over you ...when _you_ are starting from *such* a low level to begin with
> 
> Tag! you're it...


Aah...I think His Highness needs some love this morning.  Here a little present from Stevie:


----------



## Jonsi

His Hugeness has a stonking headache this morning and a heap of work to do. Not sure about Stevie Wonder some bits I like, others...meh. I do know that Paul McCartney once gave him a cheese grater for Christmas. Apparently Stevie said it was the most violent book he'd ever read!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> His Hugeness has a stonking headache this morning and a heap of work to do.



DL stuck it in hard this morning...considering you're a sick man


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> DL stuck it in hard this morning...considering you're a sick man


Thank the Lord he didn't stick it in to me!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi as much as it really pains me to burst your bubble blah, blah, blah



All the 'sexperts' tell us that we're somewhere on a spectrum.  I'm in the nice blush apricot area.  I dread to think what colour would characterise you.  I suspect that it's unlikely to have a name.   Suggestions anyone?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Absolutely filthy black


I'd have plumped for camo...as in 'all messed up'.


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Absolutely filthy black


There is no black ...I would put you more as a _'Effluent with a hint of lime green'_ ...noticeable, but not something you'd want to wave around or shout about.
I, am a Clear Blue (though my politics most certainly are not)


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> There is no black ...I would put you more as a _'Effluent with a hint of lime green'_ ...noticeable, but not something you'd want to wave around or shout about.
> I, am a Clear Blue (though my politics most certainly are not)



Now you're just showing off!


----------



## Jonsi

I was thinking more like this than peeing onto a stick


----------



## mikeyB

Get some work done, DL.

I'm dark red, pink at the extemeties, some more extreme than others.

Occasionally.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> View attachment 2070
> I was thinking more like this than peeing onto a stick


We used to call a cider lolly 'pee on a stick'


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Get some work done, DL.


Yes come on everyone.  What are you thinking.  Keep working and paying tax until you're at least 68 or Mikey's 'golden age' retirement might founder.  Don't worry about us Mikey...we'll probably die in harness and won't need a pension_ <grumble, rumble etc>_


----------



## mikeyB

In harness Marsbar? Didn't know you did that kind of work. You've certainly been hiding your light under a bushel.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> In harness Marsbar? Didn't know you did that kind of work. You've certainly been hiding your light under a bushel.





Diabeticliberty said:


> Hey Toadstool does your bushel light up? I bet you are calling real wowser at parties and other social gatherings


If I could find a bushel I'd hide behind it...but only to provide cover while I took pots shots at you ne'er do wells.  One word used perfectly in context and you're all over it.  I think it's about time the gloves came off and you received the 'full treatment'!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Yuck!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I think I should object on behalf of wimmin, but it made me laugh...so you're off the hook.

An attractive old woman in a care home regularly flits along the corridors in her nightie.  When she encounters anyone, rather than saying hello she flips the back of her hem, briefly flashes her bottom and cheerily calls out "Supersex!".  Approaching an old guy in a wheelchair one morning she greets him in this way.  He pauses, thinks for a moment and says "I'll stick with what I know...soup please".


----------



## Stitch147

Jumping on the bandwagon......

A teacher asks her class "Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?"
Little Paddy raises his hand and says "Yes Miss, its Trudy Glen."
"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion."
"But Miss, what about the song? Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glen!"


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Am I in the wrong thread?  Where's the joke today?  Pull your finger out DL...I need my morning groaner!


----------



## Stitch147

I was just wondering the same.


----------



## mikeyB

He wasn't in the pub last night either. I'm worried


----------



## Northerner

mikeyB said:


> He wasn't in the pub last night either. I'm worried


Me too, hope all is OK


----------



## Matt Cycle

Marsbartoastie said:


> Pull your finger out DL...I need my morning groaner!


----------



## FergusC

Marsbartoastie said:


> Pull your finger out DL...I need my morning groaner!


Exactly DL get your @rse back on here, you're sadly missed!


----------



## Mark Parrott

Yay! DL's Back!


----------



## Jonsi

3-2-1...and you're back in the room


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> A  mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a birthday party. "Mummy," the little girl asks, "How old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. "It is not polite." "OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "These are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My mum wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "All you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card; it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex.


Welcome back


----------



## Northerner

Diabeticliberty said:


> Having long considered what I was closing myself off from I quickly realised you lot mean far too much to me to trigger 'Forum Article 50'. In any case when I registered to join another forum about baking and cake making they wouldn't let me in cos my dough wouldn't rise ooooooooohhhhhheeeeerrrrr missus


Genuinely glad you reconsidered


----------



## Marsbartoastie

An F implies that someone tried, but failed.  Heaven knows what kind of lamentable performance would merit an M.  Perhaps you could clarify?! 

Good to have you back, but I'm taking no prisoners when it comes to your misogynistic guff!


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> An F implies that someone tried, but failed.  Heaven knows what kind of lamentable performance would merit an M.  Perhaps you could clarify?!


You just couldn't leave it alone could you?  I guarantee now that he'll be talking about his 'cushion'* before very long

* _this isn't the pub so careful with words_


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> You just couldn't leave it alone could you?  I guarantee now that he'll be talking about his 'cushion'* before very long
> 
> * _this isn't the pub so careful with words_


If he gives us 'chapter and verse' on the subject of his 'cushion' we'll know everything is back to 'normal'


----------



## khskel

The day starts as it should


----------



## Stitch147

Good to see you back.


----------



## Owen

khskel said:


> The day starts as it should


But are we going to regret this? The joke was a bit under par, just saying.


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> In any case when I registered to join another forum about baking and cake making they wouldn't let me in cos my dough wouldn't rise ooooooooohhhhhheeeeerrrrr missus


Soggy Bottom??


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Positively squelchy, any soggier and I might have to bring in a woman with some desiccant. Ladies form an orderly queue on the left hand side of the forum please


...and they're off ....


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Soggy Bottom??


Oh good grief...you couldn't let it lie.  We were on fairly firm ground with 'cushion', but you had to mention the 'b' word.  You know that's his 'trigger'


----------



## Andy HB

Marsbartoastie said:


> An F implies that someone tried, but failed.  Heaven knows what kind of lamentable performance would merit an M.  Perhaps you could clarify?!


An "M" denotes "with merit" or, perhaps "meticulous" or "marvelous".

Andy


----------



## Ljc

Yay he back.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Andy HB said:


> An "M" denotes "with merit" or, perhaps "meticulous" or "marvelous".
> 
> Andy


You're really stretching a point there Andy...it could also stand for 'mediocre' or 'miserable'


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> You seem to think I have a natural flair for it? I don't really. I am a thoroughly modern man. On Saturday night, alone in my thoroughly modern man cave I sat and wept as Strictly Come Dancing kicked out Ed Balls or did they kick Ed's balls it really escapes me now? Chin up I thought and sat and dreamed up another 6 weeks worth of completely sexist quips and one liners to irritate you more than a really nasty case of dobie itch


I was away over the weekend and have not yet had the opportunity to indulge in a Strictly 'catch up fest'.  In 'Likely Lads' fashion I've carefully avoided learning the result of this week's elimination.  If your mention of Ed Balls was a 'spoiler' then mark my words...you will reap the whirlwind.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> If you are prepared to 'panda' to me then I might be persuaded to 'bear' my arse BOOM!!!!!!!!!!


Thank goodness your harris flashing is confined to the virtual world.  At least we're shielded from the real thing.


----------



## mikeyB

Welcome back DL, and, yes, welcome to your virtual bum. But no flashing in the pub, it's dead sophisticated now. Feel  free to lower the tone, but any discussion of Strictly in the pub is banned. And the prices have gone up because of the pound being shaky- I'm having to get extra take to pay for my holiday in Positano.


----------



## Jonsi

there's no reason for the prices to go up ...the Beer is UK made, the Cider is UK made, the Whisky is Scotch (I'm allowed to say that!), the crisps, scratchings and Pork Pies are made in the UK so why increase the prices?? Don't need any of that fancy foreign French stuff ...like Wine or Brandy. You can get Vodka from Leicestershire and Gin from London! Profiteering I call it! Harrumph!!


----------



## mikeyB

Profiteering? Moi? The very thought. And DL, I did so miss the provocative racist banter.  Never mind the virtual slipper, I'm heating up the virtual red hot poker and slapping on the virtual woad. Be afraid, be very afraid.


----------



## FergusC

or is that a M M in oral sex (think about it DL)


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi bach you are a little off with your reply. The whisky is Scottish and is made by the Scotch people. It is sold in Scotch pubs and some Scotch off licences. In these establishments they sometimes sell Scottish eggs too


...and then you just pull out the pin and lob it into the room.

anyone know all the words to _So long, it's bin good to know ya_...?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Coming from Victor Kildare who ain't even Scotch this is all a bit rich even for my Bisto enriched blood. Stop siding with them Scotch skirt wearing face painting types and come back to the darkside where you belong. The Hell's Angels biker gang are missing you so very much. They still see you as a Grand Wizard. I never even knew you did magic..............


I'm wearing a kilt today and therefore feeling particularly Scottish...so button up or you'll be in receipt of the traditional Glasgow greeting


----------



## Carolg

Diabeticliberty said:


> Positively squelchy, any soggier and I might have to bring in a woman with some desiccant. Ladies form an orderly queue on the left hand side of the forum please


Will pass thanks, and stand on right side to give advice!!! I will send one of those boxy things that absorb moisture from condensations on window sills. Cheap at half the price lol


----------



## Carolg

Marsbartoastie said:


> I'm wearing a kilt today and therefore feeling particularly Scottish...so button up or you'll be in receipt of the traditional Glasgow greeting


Is that the "glesgie kiss" or the "does your mum have a sewing machine?"


----------



## Carolg

Diabeticliberty said:


> If you are prepared to 'panda' to me then I might be persuaded to 'bear' my arse BOOM!!!!!!!!!!


Leave my wee car oot  o this


----------



## Marsbartoastie

...and there was me thinking that the fella on the upward trajectory was going to say something along the lines of "No mate, but the wife's got a pretty good grasp of practical physics.  I was watching football instead of getting on with the DIY and she's just lit a rocket under my sorry arse".


----------



## Jonsi

...and there was me thinking that the fella on the upward trajectory was going to say something along the lines of _"...all I did was call her Scotch instead of Scots!!"_


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi you bad bad boy



_*Cò, dhomh? Tha mi math balach*_ mi 

edit ...missed the last bit off


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> _*Cò, dhomh? Tha mi math balach*_



I like a bit of a quiz Jonsi.  Here's my entry:
*
Cò,...*_clearly an opening sally so given to whom it's addressed probably 'Yer what'_
*dhomh?... *it has hom in the middle which usually means man...so I'm guessing 'male' or more informally 'mate'.
*Tha...*obviously the lazy Welsh spelling of 'That'
_*mi... *_short form of  'means'
_*math...*_pertaining to a calculation or a number of something (see the next word)
*balach...*bollock!

*Yer what, mate?  That's bollocks!
*
_Is there a prize for the first correct answer?_


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I believe that you have plagiarised thus from last February's Edition  of Practical Feminist Magazine. The monthly journal for the modern scratchy underwear adorned lady


We wear scratchy underwear as a constant reminder that men have stubbly scratchy faces...and we need to steer well clear of them.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo many possibilities in terms of reply. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much want to give our delightful moderator an easy time on his birthday


He deserves a happy 'challenge free' day...he's earned it.


----------



## mikeyB

That all reminds me about the guy with two cauliflower ears, but like you two, it's Alan's birthday today so he needs a rest, so I'll leave that quip for another day


----------



## Owen

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Velcro-But...6807776&sr=8-283&keywords=morale+patch+Velcro

Who do you think this would suit


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Owen said:


> https://www.amazon.co.uk/Velcro-But...6807776&sr=8-283&keywords=morale+patch+Velcro
> 
> Who do you think this would suit


I couldn't possibly say without carefully reviewing the evidence.  Line up boys, then turn around and drop 'em.  My decision will be final. 

_NB: I have a free and easy attitude to bribery.  Flattery also works wonders._


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
> 
> After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, ?Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years: I wonder how the girls are doing??



To each his own...though heaven knows where you're going to find someone like you.  Hang on...the ideal woman is right there on screen.  Mrs Doyle...she's as mad as a balloon. 

NB: "I don't do daft"!  EDIT...THE SIGNATURE LINE HAS CHANGED SO THIS NO LONGER MAKES SENSE


----------



## Mark Parrott

Diabeticliberty said:


> Technology is a strange thing and provides us with a very unusual sense of reality.  I spent last night watching a lesbian porn Blue Ray on my 3D HD TV. For added realism I put two open cans of tuna on the radiator. It's like I'm in the room!"


Nurse! He's got out of bed again!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

That's wrong in so many ways...so why can't I stop laughing 

EDIT: THE JOKE HAS BEEN REPLACED.  IF YOU'RE LATE TO THIS THREAD YOU MISSED AN ABSOLUTE CRACKER (IMHO).


----------



## Andy HB

Can I just make an observation?

I am no prude and this isn't about me, but this forum is open to many people young and old and I think that some of the jokes are taking things a bit too far.

I like most of the jokes, but some tend to be too 'off colour' in my opinion. They'd be OK in private, but not so good in a public support forum.

I know, with recent events, this may not be a popular view. But I have to say that I have been thinking this for a while.

Andy

p.s. I include myself in this observation as I'm sure that I've probably gone too far occasionally as well.


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> Fair point. Joke replaced


Yes, I saw the first one as well you bad man


----------



## HOBIE

Northerner said:


> View attachment 1126


36 pages of this thread ! Well done DL & all who has given us a big smile


----------



## Superheavy

Diabeticliberty said:


> Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy  Hobieman it is a pleasure.  Here's to page 72



I do love a good natural marker to aim for.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

My late grandmother-in-law hated surprise parties so asked me to warn her when one was being planned.  Her view was that anticipation is half the pleasure...so if she wasn't 'spared' to enjoy the party she'd already have had half the pleasure.  You can't argue with logic like that


----------



## mikeyB

5.40 AM Marsbar? Just getting in, were we?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> 5.40 AM Marsbar? Just getting in, were we?


If only that were true Mikey.  I was very unsettled yesterday and made things worse by indulging in a massive sugar binge.  At 5.40 I was wide awake and wired


----------



## Hazel

Diabeticliberty said:


> At 5.40 I was getting ready to drag my sorry carcass north and go teaching fly fishing. Completely not full of sugar and completely not wired and completely cream crackered. The teaching has gone very well and the money is very good but I am absolutely buggered now and I am out tonight on the 'Lash Internationale'. All I wanna do is go to bed and stay there until Sunday day afternoon.




After a night out- you may have to resort to staying in bed


----------



## Hazel

Diabeticliberty said:


> Oh crikey Hazel I need to practice piano tomorrow not indulge in endless loafing. Mind you I didn't get really good at loafing without a whole wheelbarrow full of practice [/QUOT
> 
> 
> Whatever you end up doing - enjoy


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> At 5.40 I was getting ready to drag my sorry carcass north and go teaching fly fishing. Completely not full of sugar and completely not wired and completely cream crackered. The teaching has gone very well and the money is very good but I am absolutely buggered now and I am out tonight on the 'Lash Internationale'. All I wanna do is go to bed and stay there until Sunday day afternoon.


Have a good time ! DL


----------



## Owen

Groooooan





Diabeticliberty said:


> Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.” The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ” The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other ” Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”


----------



## Marsbartoastie

10 inches would be no good to any woman...

...because their pockets are too small


----------



## mikeyB

Size doesn't matter at all when you're a pipe smoker, it's the angle that matters.

I was once vaping my E-pipe (which looks just like the real thing) in the car park of Glasgow Royal Infirmary. A young girl came up to me clutching her roll-up and said "have ye got a light". "Sorry, luv" I said "I'm electric" 

"Ah f***" she said (not angrily, this is a normal Glasgow conversational tic) and trotted off to a couple of 14 year olds who gave her a light.

I love Glasgow.


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Do you lie awake at night thinking of these or do they just come to you in periods of inebriation


----------



## Marsbartoastie

And for the wimmin's version of this joke...


----------



## Greyhound Gal

So do my greyhounds !


----------



## mikeyB

Which reminds me of an old joke.

Guy standing at the bar. Chap next to him has a dog, which is lying on the floor vigorously licking its naughty bits.
"Blimey" says the man"I wish I could do that"

Chap with the dog says "Well, if you give him a biscuit he'll probably let you"


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Speaking of old jokes...

It's the regular weekly singles night at the local pub.  Two guys who've had no luck are chatting over a pint.  At the other end of the bar a man is surrounded by women.  "I don't get it," complains the first guy, "He's nothing to look at, dresses as though he's homeless and drives a Reliant Robin...yet he always leaves with the most beautiful woman in the bar!".  "Yeah," replies the second guy "He's not even smart, witty or entertaining.  All he does is sit there licking his eyebrows."


----------



## mikeyB

Which reminds me of another old joke, but I'm not telling that here or even in the pub


----------



## Marsbartoastie

It's one of those panto jokes for the grown ups that goes over the heads of the little 'uns.  Don't worry...you might understand it one day.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I do love a panto...

Dame: I'm absolutely knickered.
Buttons: You mean knackered.
Dame: No, I mean knickered.  My breath is coming in short pants!


----------



## Jonsi

I was at a Panto in Bangor some years ago and it was audience participation time.
Buttons got half a dozen kids up on stage and asked them to tell a joke to cheer up Cinderella

*Buttons:* what's your name and where are you from?
1st kid (quietly): My name's David. I'm from Menai Bridge ...kid tells joke - they give him a prize
*Buttons:* what's your name and where are you from?
2nd kid (shyly): My name's Llinos. I'm from Port Dinorwic ...kid tells joke - they give her a prize
*Buttons:* what's your name and where are you from?
3rd kid (shouting): Shane and I'm from Maesgeirchen _(a notoriously rough Council Estate in Bangor)_
*Buttons:* Quick, give him a prize before he gets us shut down!!


----------



## HOBIE

Double mad DL


----------



## Marsbartoastie

In a previous job I had to do business with a Dick Head.  He could have chosen to be known as Richard, but he preferred Dick.  It takes all sorts


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> nd loads and loads and loads and loads and loads of of them


So that would be quite a few then?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Here's something I know you're really going to love.  It's one of those songs that all men adore.  They just pretend not to...


----------



## Jonsi

Thanks for that ...I had Lt Pigeon's Mouldy Old Dough as my ear worm until now ...now it's Blount!!

I'm trying very hard to think of a different song, any song, to rid me of Posh Boy Pop.


----------



## Owen

Jonsi said:


> Thanks for that ...I had Lt Pigeon's Mouldy Old Dough as my ear worm until now ...now it's Blount!!
> 
> I'm trying very hard to think of a different song, any song, to rid me of Posh Boy Pop.


Not me and you and a dog named ......


----------



## Jonsi

I remember seeing Katherine Jenkins on stage as support act to a 15 year old Hayley Westenra ...both were rather good. Have seen KJ since in her own show.


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> Perhaps if you see her again then you could pick up a tee shirt for the Toadstool. She was only saying on here the other night just how much she really appreciates her vocal asset as much as  I appreciate her vocal asset plus a couple of other highly visible assets. She has such beautiful......................eyes


What about those blue ..... oops, Winter is a looming


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Toadstool I feel it is time to fight fire with fire. If you wish put up James Blunt the giddy ickle..........runt  I will in turn bring out my very own 'BIG GUNS' You Tube is indeed a strange old media. For every James Blunt the giddy ickle.......runt  clip I can find I seem able to find about 100 'BIG GUNS' clips. I suspect you will run out of ammunition when the Katherine Jenkins Gattling gun is still taking pot shots at you



Stop pretending guys.  I know you worship Le Blunt.

I only have two triggers.  KJ (I can't even bear to use her name) and being denied chocolate.  If anyone claims to have a big box of fresh Gianduja...it's war!


----------



## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> Stop pretending guys.  I know you worship Le Blunt.
> 
> I only have two triggers.  KJ (I can't even bear to use her name) and being denied chocolate.  If anyone claims to have a big box of fresh Gianduja...it's war!


LeAnn Rimes also floats my boat


----------



## mikeyB

My daughter got a couple of free tickets to see Ms Jenkins at an outdoor show at Bolton Abbey in Yorkshire in the summer. Apparently Savills act as land agents for that bit of some rich sod's estate, so  she was  the only  one in the office to want the tickets. She thoroughly enjoyed it. My Son in Law didn't.


----------



## Jonsi

_Pssst @Diabeticliberty @Owen...shhhh...keep this quiet ...for Christmas I've got a great idea for Marshmallow Pasties present ...little chocolate Katherine Jenkinses's ...<snigger>_


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> My daughter got a couple of free tickets to see Ms Jenkins at an outdoor show at Bolton Abbey in Yorkshire in the summer. Apparently Savills act as land agents for that bit of some rich sod's estate, so  she was  the only  one in the office to want the tickets. She thoroughly enjoyed it. My Son in Law didn't.


I'm with your Son in Law.  The KJ phenomenon is patronising.  Give me a proper opera singer every time and not some mediocre warbler trying to sound lah-de-dah.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> _Pssst @Diabeticliberty @Owen...shhhh...keep this quiet ...for Christmas I've got a great idea for Marshmallow Pasties present ...little chocolate Katherine Jenkinses's ...<snigger>_


To see me go off like a volcano you'd have to show them to me...and then refuse to let me chomp their heads off.


----------



## mikeyB

Once you've chomped the head off, the next bit can't possibly  be part of your low carb diet


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> I'm with your Son in Law.  The KJ phenomenon is patronising.  Give me a proper opera singer every time and not some mediocre warbler trying to sound lah-de-dah.


Mario Lanza wasn't an Opera singer ...but he sang bits of Operas which were very popular. I think he was one of the first to admit that he didn't have the vocal strength to perform a full Opera. I don't think KJ is trying to be an Opera singer ...but she can undoubtedly sing and some of what she sings are songs from Operas.



Diabeticliberty said:


> ... and best of all 'Do you know the way to Blaenau Ffestiniog hey?' ala Dionne Warwick stylee.


I was in Blaenau Ffestiniog yesterday ...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Once you've chomped the head off, the next bit can't possibly  be part of your low carb diet


I don't think we're looking at a high carb count Mikey.  After all...you can't eat the fillets she has stuffed in her bra to boost her barely adequate lalas.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> ...a pair of latex stick up yer jumper augmentation units


I'd need some kind of reduction units


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> ...but she can undoubtedly sing and some of what she sings are songs from Operas.


...and I really wish she wouldn't


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jenkins without autotune...


----------



## Jonsi

Now, now Martian ...no need to get silly...or we might just remind you of why a lot of murders are committed with a *Blunt* Instrument


----------



## Marsbartoastie

True story...

After completing his apprenticeship as a fitter on the Clyde my dad went off to see the world as a ship's engineer.  At one point there was yellow fever in port and his vessel had to sit offshore in The Gulf for six weeks under the relentless baking summer sun.  The guy in the next cabin had a record player and just six records.  They were all Shirley Bassey.  Her voice became the soundtrack to my dad's protracted sweat soaked nightmare.  Ever afterwards, when Bassey appeared unexpectedly on TV my dad's body jerked involuntarily and we turned the TV off as quickly as was humanly possible.  I have a similar reaction to Jenkins.


----------



## FergusC

As to KJ sinning Halleluja, I prefer Leonard Cohen


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> True story... I have a similar reaction to Jenkins.


Wot?! The very thought of Katherine Jenkins gets you all hot and bothered?? Looks like @Diabeticliberty has the subject of his next home video...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

I was about to tee off one day when a guy asked what my handicap was.  Before I could reply another chimed in with "I'd say about 36DD"...the sledging cheat!


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."


Like that one @Diabeticliberty


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Tip top start to the day mate @Diabeticliberty


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Good one @Diabeticliberty


----------



## Stitch147

Haha!!! love it @Diabeticliberty


----------



## Mark Parrott

@Diabeticliberty you are a card!


----------



## Owen

DiabolicalLiberace there is no ruse, have you seen a therapist as paranoia and hallucinations are common with us Bipolar Bears. As if anyone would hatch a plan to put @Diabeticliberty in front of anything, I have a number if you find yourself in crisis. Next you might think that we would persuade @Northerner to change your user name to DiabolicalLiberace. If you need to talk, I understand where you are at


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Ah...it was fun while it lasted.  Back to reality then.


----------



## Owen

Diabeticliberty said:


> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH................


You don't have to continue with denial, the symptoms are all there, lavish spending, hypersexual behaviour, paranoia etc etc


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Owen said:


> You don't have to continue with denial, the symptoms are all there, lavish spending, hypersexual behaviour, paranoia etc etc


If you're talking about his behind...there's nothing 'hypersexual' going on there.  It's more of an anti-aphrodisiac than a come-on.


----------



## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> Ah...it was fun while it lasted.  Back to reality then.


And what is reality per se


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Owen said:


> And what is reality per se


I once asked my mum the same question.  Her answer was "Whatever I bloody well say it is"!


----------



## Jonsi

Owen said:


> And what is reality per se


Who's Percy?


----------



## mikeyB

Reality is just for people who can't cope with alcohol


----------



## Jonsi

I think a lot of our political leaders need to be paid in Reality cheques. Might make the world a better place


----------



## Marsbartoastie

True story...
I was out in Thailand for a few months and my much younger brother decided he'd fly out and join me for a couple of weeks.  On the first night we went to a bar where he was extremely flattered to be the object of a great deal of attention.  He was very taken by one particular beauty.  The group I was with (mostly Aussie blokes) decided that we should let him have his fun for a while before alerting him to the fact that the beauty in question was a 'ladyboy'.  The evening progressed and much Sang Thip was quaffed...too much.  

In the wee small hours I noticed that my brother was exiting the bar with an arm around his companion.  As a responsible sister I felt that this was the time to step in and do the right thing.  However, as I didn't want to cause any offence I simply said "There's something I need to tell you..." thinking that I could then have a private word with him.  Unfortunately, by this time he was already heading off up the street and without breaking his stride he batted me off with "Don't worry sis...I know what you're going to say".  Patting his pocket he added "I've got plenty of condoms".  

What could I do?

The following morning he joined us at our regular breakfast haunt and I asked him how his night had gone.  His answer was emphatic..."Don't ever ask me about last night, because I'm _never _going to talk about it".  One of the Aussies just put a reassuring arm around his shoulders and said "Don't worry mate.  We've all been there".

What larks!


----------



## mikeyB

L O L A  Lola......


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f***ing beautiful!'"


Mad as a hatter !


----------



## Marsbartoastie




----------



## Marsbartoastie

The state of that Clooney fella..._he'd _have to pay _me_!

Only joking...I'd take one for the team


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> The state of that Clooney fella..._he'd _have to pay _me_!
> 
> Only joking...I'd take one for the team


The team will be around later...


----------



## mikeyB

Ermm- why did you choose my name? I'm not gay, I'm just broad minded. And for a million quid it can't be much worse than a rigid proctoscopy. Poppers, anyone?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Ermm- why did you choose my name? I'm not gay, I'm just broad minded. And for a million quid it can't be much worse than a rigid proctoscopy. Poppers, anyone?


Is that Sinitta I can hear playing in the background Mikey? 

_"So macho, he's gotta be, so macho...he's gotta be big and strong enough to turn me on". _


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Is that Sinitta I can hear playing in the background Mikey?


I think it's Kylie ...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I think it's Kylie ...


He's got the volume turned right down Jonsi...what's she singing?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Oh...I can just hear it.  He must have started his Halloween party early.  It's Kylie's classic gay club anthem...

_"Better the devil you know..."_


----------



## mikeyB

I'll tell you a true story. In my first year at Uni I shared a room with a guy. I wouldn't say we ever became friends, but we got on well enough. A couple of years later I was working in the University newspaper office, when he came in with a friend asking to put an ad in the paper about the gay society. No problem.

But then I thought. He'd never once made any approach or mentioned he was gay while we were sharing the room. God, I thought, am I SO unattractive? I was genuinely hurt.

If you think this is odd, remember this was 1973.


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Don't beat yourself up Victor. Maybe he was just playing hard to get


Or perhaps, being aware that he wouldn't stand a chance with such an Adonis, he simply admired you from afar


----------



## mikeyB

Marsbartoastie said:


> Or perhaps, being aware that he wouldn't stand a chance with such an Adonis, he simply admired you from afar


Or maybe he didn't go in for a bit of rough,which is a bit more likely


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Or maybe he didn't go in for a bit of rough,which is a bit more likely


Ah...now you're talking my language Kildare


----------



## mikeyB




----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> Or maybe he didn't go in for a bit of rough,which is a bit more likely


...or mebbe you looked too much like a woman. 1973, long hair, beads, cheesecloth shirts, flares, kaftan, listening to the Osmonds...


----------



## mikeyB

Jonsi said:


> ...or mebbe you looked too much like a woman. 1973, long hair, beads, cheesecloth shirts, flares, kaftan, listening to the Osmonds...


I did have the long hair, the flares, the cheesecloth shirts, but I was listening to The Incredible String Band and Jethro Tull.


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> I did have the long hair, the flares, the cheesecloth shirts, but I was listening to The Incredible String Band and Jethro Tull.


bet you had a soft spot for the Osmonds tho'.

I too was listening to all sorts back then Tull, ELP, Yes, Genesis, King Crimson, Floyd and Zep courtesy of an elder brother and I was only 13! All my classmates were into Mud, Slade, the Sweet etc.


----------



## Greyhound Gal

mikeyB said:


> I did have the long hair, the flares, the cheesecloth shirts, but I was listening to The Incredible String Band and Jethro Tull.


My mum went out with Ian Anderson (.v.v.v briefly). He was her dancing partner but she finished it as he kept treading on her toes. To think I could be rich and living on a fish farm in Scotland now...
Mum was born and raised in Marton Moss near Blackpool and went dancing at the Tower Ballroom. She also went to the girlies version of Blackpool grammar school where Ian Anderson went.
Bit of trivia for y'all...


----------



## Marsbartoastie

The best I can chip in with is...I was once served an ice cream float by Chris Rea.  His family had cafes in Teesside.  I only know it was him because I was on a date with his cousin.  It was a short-lived little teenage romance because he was a really slobbery kisser.


----------



## mikeyB

Yes, most people don't know that Jethro Tull are essentially a Blackpool band. I love the Tower Ballroom, it has the largest and best sprung wood dancing floor in the kingdom, completely wasted on the likes of me. And the mighty Wurlitzer, what a sound. And a bar the width of the ballroom. Heaven.


----------



## Owen

mikeyB said:


> You'd better hope the moderators aren't looking Owen, never mind DL. You couldn't get more offensive to the psychiatrically ill  if you tried.


Point taken, gone


----------



## mikeyB

Aye, if you delete yours, I'll delete mine


----------



## Marsbartoastie

That took me back.  An oldie, but a goodie.  Thanks mate


----------



## mikeyB

Marsbartoastie said:


> That took me back.  An oldie, but a goodie.  Thanks mate


Took you back to what, Marsbar?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Took you back to what, Marsbar?


It took me back to the days when we used Vaseline on our lips and eyelashes to get round the school makeup ban.  I know what you were thinking oh master of the lube tube


----------



## mikeyB

Oh. I'm a KY man, personally. Useless for chapped lips, though.


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> Oh. I'm a KY man, personally. Useless for chapped lips, though.


*Frank Hovis* is your man for chapped lips ...never without his Chapstick is Frank


----------



## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Oh. I'm a KY man, personally. Useless for chapped lips, though.





Jonsi said:


> *Frank Hovis* is your man for chapped lips ...never without his Chapstick is Frank


Oh  Jonsi...what I wouldn't give to see that routine again.  I mean it quite literally when I say I've never laughed so much before or since.


----------



## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Oh  Jonsi...what I wouldn't give to see that routine again.  I mean it quite literally when I say I've never laughed so much before or since.


have you looked HERE


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> have you looked HERE


Thanks Jonsi mate.  When I get home from aerobics this evening I shall indulge myself in an Absolutely fest.  Top stuff!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

When I stop finding farts funny it'll be time for the wooden overcoat!


----------



## FergusC

Marsbartoastie said:


> When I stop finding farts funny it'll be time for the wooden overcoat!


No, that wil be the time to cut back on the laxatives! but I find farts funny, just not the "follow through".


----------



## Owen

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
:
:
:
:
:
Only one, but is the bulb ready to change?


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Birmingham, mountains???


----------



## Owen

Just had to break up a fight between two physicists, one of them kept screaming let me atom.


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Never trust an atom.....they make up everything


----------



## Northerner

Greyhound Gal said:


> Never trust an atom.....they make up everything


I'm sure that's a very old one, but I have never heard it before!


----------



## Owen

This ones for you DL

A young lady had a penchant for sexual liaisons on cemeteries. 
One day she managed to hurt her back so bad that she needed medical treatment.
After a thorough examination, she asked the doctor if the prognosis was bad, to which he replied " well as far as your back is concerned, a weeks rest will help a lot, but the bad news is your backside died in 1957"


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The wind pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed  her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"


The dog always gets the blame


----------



## HOBIE

Another double mad one


----------



## HOBIE

Keep them coming DL


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Close to the bone there DL. Funny though


----------



## Marsbartoastie

...whereas @Diabeticliberty never runs out of hot air


----------



## Contused

​


----------



## Marsbartoastie

These two perverts have screwed a parrot 




@Mark Parrott


----------



## Jonsi

anyone here had a cockatoo??


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> anyone here had a cockatoo??


One at a time Jonsi...that's my rule of thumb


----------



## Jonsi

Diabeticliberty said:


> Jonsi I don't think that it's very tweet to be asking questions like that


...but how did I know it would be Mary Berry Tester who would reply? 

...just like to know if there were any interesting birds out there?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> ...but how did I know it would be Mary Berry Tester who would reply?


You set 'em up...and I'll knock 'em down mate


----------



## Mark Parrott

Marsbartoastie said:


> These two perverts have screwed a parrot
> 
> 
> 
> 
> @Mark Parrott


Ha bloody ha!


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Yeah Toadstool, Jonsi bach has a perfectly relevant enquiry. What say you on the subject?


Do the befeathered Ladyboys of Bangkok tickle your fancy?


----------



## mikeyB

Good look for Friday night in St Helens. Send us pics, please


----------



## Marsbartoastie




----------



## Marsbartoastie

*Forecast for St Helens*

_Saturday_
A bold optimistic start building to outrageous behaviour later.  Singing and dancing likely in the Liverpool area, degenerating into mumbling and stumbling by the early hours of Sunday morning.  Some poor decision making likely.

_Sunday_
Some early chunder will be followed by a sore head and give way to ravenous hunger.  Recovery expected much later.


----------



## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to £250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


Did not expect that !


----------



## Greyhound Gal

Diabeticliberty said:


> An elderly retired gentleman wobbled gingerly into an ice cream parlour and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Dodgy knees.”


Proper good chuckle - thanks DL


----------



## mikeyB

Diabeticliberty said:


> An elderly retired gentleman wobbled gingerly into an ice cream parlour and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server. “No,” he answered. “Dodgy knees.”


That's me, that is


----------



## Jonsi

mikeyB said:


> That's me, that is


is that the dodgy knees, the crushed nuts or the elderly retired gentleman?


----------



## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> is that the dodgy knees, the crushed nuts or the elderly retired gentleman?


He's no gentleman


----------



## mikeyB

All of 'em, Jonsi


----------



## mikeyB

Marsbartoastie said:


> He's no gentleman


What is your standard for the term 'gentleman'? Someone who holds the door open for you? Someone who gives you their seat on a crowded bus? Someone who doesn't fart on the first night?

Do tell


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## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> He's no gentleman


I heard that he stood up and offered a lady his seat the other day...

...admittedly he was in the Gents at the time but still...


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## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> What is your standard for the term 'gentleman'? Someone who holds the door open for you? Someone who gives you their seat on a crowded bus? Someone who doesn't fart on the first night?
> 
> Do tell


Tits first!


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## Marsbartoastie

Marsbartoastie said:


> Tits first!


NB: I think it's polite for the gentleman to produce a robust fart very early on the first night.  This allows the lady to follow suit without embarrassment.  Why allow the pain of trapped wind to spoil your first romantic encounter


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## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Tits first!


Dirty bird!!


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## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> Dirty bird!!


You know I like it when you call me dirty!


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## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I never ever dream of trying to make cheesy innuendos)


Sweet dreams are made of cheese.  Who am I to dis a Brie?


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## Northerner

Why is it that whenever you write 'Little Johnny' I always read it as 'Little Geoff'?


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## Greyhound Gal

I thought I was the only one


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## Jonsi

Northerner said:


> Why is it that whenever you write 'Little Johnny' I always read it as 'Little Geoff'?


you've heard too eh? I thought when the St Helen's Hookers (Angling) Club referred to a 'little tiddler' they were talking about a Fish.


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## mikeyB

Speaking as a 63 year old, I think that joke is ageist. 60 is the new 40, my lad. Can't remember where I read that, mind


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## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> Speaking as a 63 year old, I think that joke is ageist. 60 is the new 40, my lad. Can't remember where I read that, mind


Yeah...and 56 is the new 16.  We can but dream.


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilisation? He said, "You're a little old  but I guess we could give it a try." A few months later she got pregnant. She invited her friends over to see the baby, and they were all very anxious to see the baby boy. The new mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile." As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby... She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!" Finally they insisted on seeing him. She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him." The women were puzzled. And she said, "I can't remember where I put him."


Keep them coming DL


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## Jonsi

Marsbartoastie said:


> Yeah...and 56 is the new 16.  We can but dream.


I'm 56 but I _think _I'm only 17. When people call me Mr Jonsi I look around thinking they're talking to my Dad!


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## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> I'm 56 but I _think _I'm only 17. When people call me Mr Jonsi I look around thinking they're talking to my Dad!


I remember the first time I was addressed in my married name...I thought 'that's not me, that's my mother-in-law'.


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## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> Would that be Mrs. Toadstool by any chance?


You can call me Mrs Beauchamp-Smythe (pronounced as in Beecham's Powders)


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## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> One mans double barreled Mrs BS is our very own Mrs Toadstool as in pronounced  TOAD STOOL


Better a toadstool than the loose stool I find here on a daily basis!


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## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> I couldn't possibly comment on your loose stools. I can however tell you that I girl I once knew gave me the nickname 'Barstool' Apparently when I was naked she thought I had 3 legs


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## Jonsi

DibbettyLibbetty said:


> I can however tell you that I girl I once knew gave me the nickname 'Barstool' Apparently when I was naked she thought I had 3 legs


small stool was it?


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## Jonsi

DiaperLiposuction said:


> One mans double barreled Mrs BS is our very own Mrs Toadstool as in pronounced  TOAD STOOL


I think that would be pronounced _"Tassel"_


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## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> small stool was it?


She probably collected miniatures.


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## FergusC

Diabeticliberty said:


> One mans double barreled Mrs BS is our very own Mrs Toadstool as in pronounced  TOAD STOOL


at least you pronounced it TOAD STOOL not TOAD'S TOOL


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## Marsbartoastie

Aaaaaargh! 

I can't post it here, but this joke reminds me of some worldly wisdom from my old Nan...which quite literally rendered me speechless.


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## Jonsi

MunchBunchTwiglet said:


> Aaaaaargh!
> 
> I can't post it here, but this joke reminds me of some worldly wisdom from my old Nan...which quite literally rendered me speechless.


You can't leave me hanging MBT ...PM me with the Word of Nan


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## Marsbartoastie

Jonsi said:


> You can't leave me hanging MBT ...PM me with the Word of Nan


Done


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## mikeyB

I think I know what you've been reminded of, Marsbar, but can I have elucidation by PM as well?


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## Marsbartoastie

Diabeticliberty said:


> If you can tell Jonsi bach then don't leaver me out. I need to know the words of nan too


Bleedin 'eck...it's on the way.


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## Marsbartoastie

mikeyB said:


> I think I know what you've been reminded of, Marsbar, but can I have elucidation by PM as well?


Done


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## Owen

Marsbartoastie said:


> Bleedin 'eck...it's on the way.


Hmmm


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## HOBIE

Diabeticliberty said:


> A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a mobile phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over and a blonde lady rolled down the window and said, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another so I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looked at her in dismay and  said, "Madam, that's your air freshener."


Yet another mad one  !


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## Marsbartoastie

Wahey...and he kicks off the week with a blinder!


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