# Devastating news, how do I tell my daughter



## Catwoman76 (Feb 4, 2012)

Tia that her daddy has only months to live now.  I found out today on my lunch break from work.  I'm in bits and i don't know what to do.  She is at her half sisters house until 7pm. I wrote down what happened and handed the note to the Pharmacist when I returned at 2pm, I finished my cleaning work and said I wanted to go home.  I went to my friends house and just cried and cried. We are going up to see him tomorrow in hospital, I've got to hold it together for Tia.  I don't know if I should tell her soon , or wait or when, where or how. 
 I really thought he was making a recovery, a slow one, but today it shocked me to my bones and now I'm angry as well, because this person told me, who is a neighbour, and has been friends with him for about 30 yrs and one of the daughters phoned her last night, that was a nice way to find out!!!!!! I get so upset when I think of my daughter,  and what's its going todo to her, I know it will absolutley devastate her.  I feel sick in my stomach. 
 Thank you for letting me share this with you.  Sheena


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## AJLang (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh Sheena I'm so sorry.  I really don't know what to say.  You and Tia are both in my thoughts and I am praying that you that you find a way through this.  Massive hugs Amanda xx


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## Copepod (Feb 4, 2012)

There's a charity that helps children before and after bereavement, called Winston's Wish - I'd contact them for advice about how to tackle such a difficult and painful situation - http://www.winstonswish.org.uk/ 

And be sure to look after yourself, too...


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## vince13 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh Sheena, I'm SO sorry to hear this news -  words are so inadequate but please remember that you are in the thoughts and prayers of all your friends on here.  May you be given the strength to face this coming loss and give your loved ones the care they will need.  I hope you have friends around you who will be able to give you the actual hugs you need now - I can only send virtual hugs to you and it seems so very little somehow.


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## AlisonM (Feb 4, 2012)

How old is Tia? If she's very young I'd be tempted not to tell her but let her have what time she can with him unburdened by knowledge that might change the way she relates to him. Whichever choice you make, it's going to be horribly hard on all of you and my thoughts are with you.


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## Steff (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi Sheena my goodness im so sorry to learn of this news, Alison just to say I think Tia is 10,its very hard at that age as there old enough to understand it I cant think of any good way to put this, I suppose it wil show her metal and just how tough she can be.We often forget how resillient kids can be but I know at whatever age you have to tell a child one of there parents is going to pass away will be hard.
Sheena do you have any relatives that you your daughter and her dad are close to? it may be an idea for you to not tell her alone as you will find it hard telling her and you yourself will need support.


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## margie (Feb 4, 2012)

Sorry to hear this Sheena - there never is a good way to hear these things. Wait till you have spoken to the hospital staff till you tell Tia. They may be able to help you break the news and if nothing else you will have more answere to her questions - as I guess you know little right now.

I hope that you find some time to process this all and that you have plenty of support around.

I found this link on the BBC which may be of some help

http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/emotional_health/bereavement/bereavement_helpchildren.shtml

it has a few other websites at the bottom that may be of some help too.

{{{{Sheena and Tia}}}}


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## Hazel (Feb 4, 2012)

Words are inadequate - just to let you know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless


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## MummyRose2009 (Feb 4, 2012)

i cannot imagine how you feel i can't even bear to think about if it was my dad or if it was me having to tell my daughter. You are so strong just being able to write it down. You have my deepest sympathies and if you ever need an ear to talk to you can pm me im around most of the time. 

I hope you find help, there are lots of places offering support for both you and your daughter.

Big hugs xxx


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## Hanmillmum (Feb 4, 2012)

So very sad to hear your news Sheena  I would not know how to tell my child such news and would seek some professional advice as others have suggested, it's too big to work it out on your own. You and Tia are in my thoughts x


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## Twitchy (Feb 4, 2012)

Sheena, I'm so sorry to hear this.  I think it's really important whatever you do/whenever you choose to tell her that you try & be honest about everything with her, allow her to ask questions & get her head around it.  Although from what you've said I think Tia's dad is not in a hospice, your local hospice should have a child bereavement specialist who should be able to help - my cousin lost her father within the last year or so, her kids were very close to him & although they lived hundreds of miles away their local hospice was still able & willing to help - maybe yours could give you some advice & support in breaking the news & supporting Tia after?

Here are also some useful websites/pages:

ttp://www.childbereavement.org.uk/for_bereaved_families

http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/for_bereaved_families/articles_and_leaflets

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/

http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/CYPWhatyoucando.html

I would have been about 12 when dad told me about mum being terminally ill, so a bit older than Tia, but I did appreciate knowing - I think i suspected anyway & at least I knew what was going on.  I would just suggest you make sure you are well supported too - I don't know your history with Tia's dad, but whatever it is this is a very difficult situation for you too & you need & deserve good support also.  Wish I could do something to help take some of this away from you!!!

Thinking of you,

Twitchy xxx


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## Northerner (Feb 4, 2012)

Thinking of you, Tia and her father Sheena, very sad to hear the news


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## Paul (Feb 4, 2012)

My thoughts along with everyone here are with you may your god give you and your daughter some strengh.


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## slipper (Feb 4, 2012)

That is aweful Sheena, for you and your daughter and her Dad of course. 

I'm sure you will get the strength to cope and do the right thing as you see fit.


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## Catwoman76 (Feb 4, 2012)

Thank you so much.  Tia returned home at 6.30pm, her sister said she was falling asleep at her house and Tia said she was very tired.  I have just taken her to bed as she fell asleep earlier and then woke up very distressed, as though she had a bad dream, she  kept saying die or dying and when I sat with her and held her hand she started to shout really loud and started to cry uncontrollaby.  This is not my daughter, I eventually asked about her day and had anyone said anything hurtful or not nice to her and she said no.  She has a temperture again ( she has just got over a viral infection) and said she was really hot, then cold and felt very unwell and she said her head was small and it was beeping. Shes had water to drink and went to bed ok and I have left her door ajar.
Thanks Copepod for the link to Winstonswish, I have found it very useful with some very good suggestions.  Alison, Tia is 11 years old and quite a sensitive girl.  We were going to go and see her dad in hospital tomorrow, but if shes unwell, we wont be able to go.   Tia's dad and I are very good friends and used to take it in turns, each Sunday, to cook dinner, she also went to his house when I went to work and she is very close to him.
To the people who have posted, thank you for all your support x.  I will try and post updates on his condition and I will go and see Tia's Head teacher next week. Sheena


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## MeanMom (Feb 4, 2012)

O Sheena I'm so sorry

I hope Tia is feeling better tomorrow and she is calm enough to tell you what happened today - I would think someone has said something or she has overheard. If you can get some advice on how to talk to her about this - I think I completely messed up with telling K about my Dad being terminally ill because I was so distressed myself. May be part of the cause of her troubles now - we will never really know. 

If you can get to see Tia's Dad with her as soon as possible it may help, as the unknown is often very frightening. I won't make any more suggestions as, like I said, don't think I handled similar situation very well. Just to say I will be thinking of you and hoping things work out as well and as peacefully as possible, if you see what I mean.

Take care 
MM x


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## Sheilagh1958 (Feb 5, 2012)

O Sheena so sorry to the sad news about Tia's Dad. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.


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## lucy123 (Feb 5, 2012)

So sorry to hear your news Sheena - please look after yourself as well as Tia and her daddy


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## ukjohn (Feb 5, 2012)

Sheena

I keep comming back and reading this thread over and over again, and still I can't think of the right words to express any thoughts or answers, I'm not sure if I have read this right but my understanding from your message is that the sad information you have came from a friend of a neighbour, if so, before saying anything to anyone, I would get that confirmed by the hospital.
Sorry if I'm babbling but it brings back memories for me from 50 years ago that I had thought I had put behind me. All I can say is that I feel the pain of both of you,and to let you know my heart and thoughts go out to you both
((((((HUGS))))))

John.


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## Catwoman76 (Feb 5, 2012)

ukjohn said:


> Sheena
> 
> I keep comming back and reading this thread over and over again, and still I can't think of the right words to express any thoughts or answers, I'm not sure if I have read this right but my understanding from your message is that the sad information you have came from a friend of a neighbour, if so, before saying anything to anyone, I would get that confirmed by the hospital.
> Sorry if I'm babbling but it brings back memories for me from 50 years ago that I had thought I had put behind me. All I can say is that I feel the pain of both of you,and to let you know my heart and thoughts go out to you both
> ...



Dear john thank you for your message, I am so sorry it brings back bad memories for you
  I was told on my lunch break yesterday, by my home by a neighbour, who I know well.  The neighbour was told the news by a telephone call from the oldest daughter on Friday night. It has been confirmed by the other daughter, they were told by the consultant. I am angry about it now and have vented my feelings to a family member.  It is very upsetting for all of us, but Tia is only a 11yr old child, clinging on to the hope that her daddy will, eventually get better. The oldest daughter had many falling outs with their dad a couple of years ago now.
 Tia  is still unwell today with a temparture, cough and sore chest and runny nose. We hope to go and see him when she is feeling better. I really would like to talk to dr/consultant myself.

MM I have spoken to the other daughter about how Tia reacted last night and nothing was said to Tia at her house and she didn't overhear anything, so it is obviously playing on her mind.
 On alighter note, the other daughter I spoke to today said Jon( their dad) told a nurse he was a painter and decorator ( he used to be years ago) and a biker! and his girlfriend has just been diagnosed with Diabetes and he had bought some flowers  bless him . I told Tia this and it made us laugh and he has also told them his feed tube keeps falling out ( we all know he keeps pulling it out!). That's it for now, once again to you all, a BIG BIG thank you.

Take care John(((((())))))  Sheena


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## am64 (Feb 5, 2012)

many many many hugs sheena x


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## Sazzaroo (Feb 5, 2012)

_Just seen this thread and Sheena I would just like to add that my thoughts and prayers are with you all now and that you do find comfort however you manage to tell Tia.

*UKJohn*,
Sending a soothin hug to you too and hope that you find comfort somewhere with the feelings this has brought up for you. Was lovely to meet you in Oxford btw. x_


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## shirl (Feb 5, 2012)

Hi Sheena,

I am so sorry to hear your sad news.  It is such a hard thing to have to tell a child, wish I had some words to help make it easier but I havent all I can do is wish you all the love and strength in the world.

Take care and I hope that Tia feels better soon,

love

Shirl


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## daisymoo84 (Feb 5, 2012)

My thoughts are with you and your family Sheena x


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## margie (Feb 5, 2012)

Sheena - I hope that you have been able to find out some more so that you can prepare yourself for telling Tia the news.  I also hope that Tia starts to recover from the illness she has. I am sure her Dad would love to see her - it would give him a real lift. 

Hope that you are getting support from those near you

{{{{Sheena & Tia}}}}


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## AndyS (Feb 6, 2012)

Hi Sheena

My thoughts are with you and your family.  

God bless

Andy x


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## newbs (Feb 6, 2012)

Sheena, I am so sorry to hear of your sad news.  Thinking of you and Tia at this sad time. 

When my Dad passed away my daughter was devastated as she was extremely close to him (we all lived together so she was with him every day) and I spoke to a local bereavement charity for children who recommended buying her a book to help her come to terms with it (she was 4 at the time).  The book we bought her was about a badgers passing but I'm sure there would be a more suitable book aimed at your daughter's age group too.  I read it to her whenever she asked and still find her reading it alone now when she is down and thinking about her Grandad.  It definitely helped me with the explanations and question answering.

Take care.


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## Flutterby (Feb 6, 2012)

Hello Sheena, just wanted to add my voice to the many sending sympathy and warm thoughts to you.  I am very sorry to hear this news and my heart goes out to you and Tia at this difficult time.  Lots of love, take good care of yourself, Karen.xx


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## Catwoman76 (Feb 6, 2012)

margie said:


> Sheena - I hope that you have been able to find out some more so that you can prepare yourself for telling Tia the news.  I also hope that Tia starts to recover from the illness she has. I am sure her Dad would love to see her - it would give him a real lift.
> 
> Hope that you are getting support from those near you
> 
> {{{{Sheena & Tia}}}}



Hello  I took Tia see the nurse this morning, she thinks Tia hasn't gotten over her Viral infection, but the good news is she was found to be well and these things can linger in the body for weeks.  So I decided to take her to see her dad. As soon as he saw her he held his hand out and then she cuddled him  Oh my goodness I'm filling up again now, I'm such an emotional wreck at the moment, please forgive me...................any way, I managed to talk to the nurse quietly and she said NO actual date was given. Unfortunately Jon was always a heavy drinker and now his liver is shot to pieces and the toxins are in his body and brain because the liver can't do it's job by getting rid of them.
Apparantely the consultant said that with his liver in the state it is in he could have a year, but with so many other medical problems, debilitating lungs, jaundice, swelling with water retention, nose bleeds, bruising and being unable to swallow ( he has a feed tude inserted up his nose and it goes into stomach ) it's probably going to be sooner rather than later, it could be weeks or many months, I just don't know.  I haven't said anything to Tia yet because I need to know more , her dad Jon, is having a chest xray this afternoon to see how things are in there.  He looked desperately ill to me, and has lost weight, butI really don't know what the outcome will be.  He was in pain with his back because, while we were there, he had to be tested for his swallowing as he cannot eat anything.  The lady tried 3 times with a teaspoon of water and he just kept bringing it up and his chest sounded horrible.  Being more upright meant his crumbling bones in his back were very painful and he wanted his painkillers.  He talked about being kidnapped and the hospital trying to kill him, but this is because of the toxins and these toxins are trying to be flushed out of him. They may also insert a tube into his stomach to get some fluid out so it can be tested.
 Tia's half brother turned up, he couldn't work any more because of feeling so bad, he works a huge digger, and I chatted with him and told him how I was told about Jon's condition. He is finding it very hard as we all are, but I am not immediate family and feel slightly pushed aside,probably because there is not a gtreat deal of contact with them, but I will still find out for myself whats going on and keep in contact with the son and one daughter . Tia was so pleased to go and seeher dad, she was unsure this morning, but it seems to have brghten them both up.  Big, big hugs and thanks to you all Sheena x


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## ukjohn (Feb 6, 2012)

Sheena
I'm glad Tia has been to see her dad, having seen him for herself, then if or when anything happens, it still wont be easy, but it might give her a better understanding of it all. Its time to stop beating yourself up over things and build your strength back up for Tia's sake, you are a great and thoughtful mother, and she will need to feed off your strength as time goes on.
Take care my friend ((((HUGS))))

John.


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## Catwoman76 (Feb 6, 2012)

ukjohn said:


> Sheena
> I'm glad Tia has been to see her dad, having seen him for herself, then if or when anything happens, it still wont be easy, but it might give her a better understanding of it all. Its time to stop beating yourself up over things and build your strength back up for Tia's sake, you are a great and thoughtful mother, and she will need to feed off your strength as time goes on.
> Take care my friend ((((HUGS))))
> 
> John.



Bless you john for your comforting words    Sheena


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## runner (Feb 7, 2012)

Sheena,  I am so sorry to read your news.  My youngest son was about 11 when his oldest brother died of cancer.  We told all of the children that their brother was going to die and kept them up to speed with what was happening.  Like Tia's Dad, the timescale was unknown, at first between 6 months and 5 years, then it rapidly became a matter of weeks.  My son came home to die, and his youngest brother chose to stay with his grandparents - we told him his brother might die while he was away, and he was Ok about going.  All of the children had a chance to say 'Goodbye'. Tia might want to make a choice around this too.  The advice about Winstones wish (I also found this really useful) and asking for support is worth thinking about - when my grandson died last year, his sisters (then 2 and 3 years old) were helped by a play therapist at the hospital to make a treasure box, and we all supported them to enable them to talk about their brother, and what was happening to him, as much as they wanted to.  

Don't forget yourself too.  When my second to youngest son also died, me and my husband both decided it was time to make use of bereavement counselling.  It doesn't take away the pain, but it can help you adjust to life again - maybe something you might want to think about?  Might help with managing everything for Tia too.

My thoughts are with you and Tia - love to you both. Not an easy time ahead, but there is help there.


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## margie (Feb 7, 2012)

I am pleased to hear that Tia is not suffering too much and that she managed to go and see her Dad. I imagine it was comforting for both of them.

Do you have a close realtive or friend who you can ring and talk to when Tia's in bed - just really so that you don't bottle everything up.

Thinking of you both {{{{Sheena and Tia}}}}


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## PhilT (Feb 7, 2012)

Sheena, so sorry to hear your sad news, my thoughts are with you and Tia.

Big hugs to you both.


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