# ronnie barker



## bev (Jun 24, 2009)

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.   

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint. 
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......     

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.      





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. 
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. 
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but 
the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.  



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. 

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!"  said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.  



The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked 
on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let 
off a fig bart.  "Who's fust jarted?"  asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. 

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.  
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and 
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. 

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!  


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bev


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## rossi_mac (Jun 24, 2009)

bev said:


> If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......
> 
> 
> This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.
> ...



That is a far as I got with out wetting myself, thanks bev! I'll try and read it all later


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## Lorraine (Jun 24, 2009)

How did he do it? I really struggled to read it.  Oh so funny though.


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## Einstein (Jun 25, 2009)

Lorraine said:


> How did he do it? I really struggled to read it. Oh so funny though.


 
The man was incredible, there wouldn't have been any takes, he could put himself in a frame of mind and go.

As an all round comic writer and performer there is absolutely nothing to touch him for his work with words and comedy.

If I have one regret in this life, it was to never have met this great man, his work is timeless and will make people laugh for a great many years to come.

Porridge, the Two Ronnies and Open All Hours were just some of his legacy and ones I hope generation after generation will go on to appreciate and learn from.


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## Caroline (Jun 25, 2009)

Ronnie Barker was a great comedian, and it raised a giggle or two. I think the humor must have been too subtle for some viewers back then.

These days you get people who will complain about just about anything to make a name for themselves...


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## Northerner (Jun 25, 2009)

mucking farvellous!


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## bev (Jun 25, 2009)

I nearly got into a mucking fuddle typing it out! Try reading it out loud to someone - you'll pass your pints!Bev


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## Northerner (Jun 25, 2009)

One of my favourites was the cockney rhyming slang one he did - 'he almost trod on a small brown Richard the third lying on the ground' - a bird!

An absolute genius! I always used to go and make a cup of tea when Ronnie Corbett did his bit in the chair - if the sketch didn't have Ronnie B in it, it wasn't worth watching.


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## Einstein (Jun 25, 2009)

Northerner said:


> One of my favourites was the cockney rhyming slang one he did - 'he almost trod on a small brown Richard the third lying on the ground' - a bird!
> 
> An absolute genius! I always used to go and make a cup of tea when Ronnie Corbett did his bit in the chair - if the sketch didn't have Ronnie B in it, it wasn't worth watching.


 
Ronnie Corbett, if he ever was any good was just upstaged by Ronnie Barker in anything he did.

His sitting in the chair with his golf jumper on is the one thing that could age the Two Ronnies, I am sure somewere in the future that scene will be removed.

As you say, long enough to go for a pint, make a cup of tea, visit the loo and still catch him arrive at the non-punchline.

For comedians who can deviate from the joke or tale, tell another storey and then arrive back and still make it funny is Billy Connolly. A little colourful language wise for me at times, but he is calming down and his tours of New Zealand, Scotland etc are superb viewing.


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## Northerner (Jun 25, 2009)

Einstein said:


> ...For comedians who can deviate from the joke or tale, tell another storey and then arrive back and still make it funny is Billy Connolly. A little colourful language wise for me at times, but he is calming down and his tours of New Zealand, Scotland etc are superb viewing.



Right with you on that one, he is brilliant. I also used to like Mike Harding in that genre - have literally been in pain after laughing so much at one of his live shows, think I cracked some ribs! Another superb 'storyteller' comedian is Dave Gorman. He is excellent, have seen him live twice - very original!


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## Einstein (Jun 25, 2009)

Northerner said:


> Right with you on that one, he is brilliant. I also used to like Mike Harding in that genre - have literally been in pain after laughing so much at one of his live shows, think I cracked some ribs! Another superb 'storyteller' comedian is Dave Gorman. He is excellent, have seen him live twice - very original!


 

I'd forgotten about the Rochdale Cowboy - excellent call sir!


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