# Desperatly seeking advice



## sophie08 (Aug 12, 2009)

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and diabetes and have to admit I am a bit lost and flummoxed at the moment.

I've been dating someone for a few months now and a few weeks into our relationship I found out about his type one diabetes when he nearly lost conciousness while we were waiting for food in a pub. It was obviously a huge shock to me but obviously I can understand why he hid it from me and he knows I don't have a problem with it, as long as he looks after himself which i've told him and he knows I'm here for him.

He is really closed about it though, we spoke about it a bit when I found out, like I know he was diagnosed at 16 (he's now 27) and he's meant to inject himself four times a day. But that's it, everything diabetes related he keeps hush, even though he is a typical male who gets bouts of man flu! 

To be honest I've been too scared to research it more though, I would love him to tell me more but I know he will (hopefully) when he's ready but i'm getting to the point where I'm reading stories and hearing things and it's really scaring me. I'm wondering if he's hiding just how bad it is from me but I'm at the stage where we're planning a future together  but I would like a rough idea of what our future holds so I need to know more now and was just wondering if there's any ways I can tell how bad he is, or if there's anywhere I can go or anyone I can talk to to find out more?

I can tell he is in a bad way health wise, he often gets up at night sweating and he constantly has sores at the bottom of his feet and gets stiff legs and it does scare me the idea of finding out how bad he really is but I do really need to know as it is obvious to me he doesn't look after himself, his diet is awful, he eats regular meals but he snacks constantly throughout the day. He has a really high sugar intake and although I don't really understand how limited sugar is I know he drinks Vodka Kicks and it says on the bottle not suitable for diabetics.

Any support and advice will be so greatly appreciated I know I may seem a bit melo-dramatic but I am so serious about this man I want to be there for it all I just need to understand as best i can.

This seems like such a friendly helpful forum and I really hope there is someone who can help. Thanks a lot for reading my babbling on,

x


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## Steff (Aug 12, 2009)

hi there and welcome firstly sophie , diabetes woah so scary to see loved ones ging through what happened to him at the pub , maybe if you have a local library near by you , looking up in books could be a means of help as im sure your aware you being his partner they may be a time when he needs you if he has a hypo/hyper you will need to knw how to deal with it ,

Im sure it was a massive shock finding out how you did but now you know and can deal with it , i bet he just didnt want to tell you straight off incase you freaked out some do but of course you sound dearly in love together so im sure with you support and love he has all he needs to hopefully have the best way of lving he can 

you have found a real gem of a site here and we are always here for you if you feel things are getting on top of you, you and your partner just come on here and let off steam we will always help out where we can as much as possible


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## aymes (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi Sophie and welcome to the site.

You may find this thread from yesterday useful, a discussion of different opinions about how much of the diabetes burden people feel confortable sharing with partners 

http://www.diabetessupport.co.uk/boards/showthread.php?t=3384

I think it can be quite a scary thing to 'let' someone else in on 'your' diabetes, especially if you've been dealing with it by yourself for a while, the issue of control, or loss of it, is so vital, I'm single at the moment but I know I'd find it difficult! I suppose the important thing is for him to know that you're there if and when needed so he can open up when ready. It'd be useful for you to know what to do in an emergency situation such as a hypo for example but the day to day treatment may be less so.
It's difficult to comment on what the future may hold for him without knowing more about his levels etc but I would say be careful if you do research it. There's a lot of good information online, but also a lot of rubbish which can be pretty scary! There are certainly some nasty complications that diabetes can lead to, it's hard work but it is possible to have control and hopefully avoid them too. 
As for how limited sugar intake should be, it's not sugars as such, but any carbohydrate that's going to have an impact on his levels. It's no so much about what you can and can't have but more about how you can handle those carbs, either by limitation of them of by use of medication.
I hope you find loads of useful information on here and don't be afraid to ask anything!

A


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## Northerner (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi Sophie, welcome to the site From what you describe, it sounds as though he is Type 1 and is managing his blood sugar levels by matching insulin injections to the carbohydrates in the food he is eating. If he is not being very accurate in this then it may cause his levels to be high a lot of the time, or drop low as happened in the pub. Higher levels mean that you are more prone to infections, so it is important that he gets his feet checked out. Do you know if he has regular appointments with his doctor, nurse or consultant? I've only been diagnosed a year, but I have read many stories of people who have been diagnosed 10 years or more who have perhaps got into a rut with their management of their diabetes, and would benefit from a fresh review of their treatment.

It may be that he doesn't talk about it with you because he knows he is neglecting it, and is trying not to think about it - this is also common, as I think some poeple are admonished by doctors when really they need help, so making them reluctant to seek advice. Obviously, I am speculating as I don't know the details. But be reassured that, with careful management, diabetes does not have to have any of the horrible consequences you may have heard about. He's been through a very difficult stage of life from mid-teens to late twenties having to deal with this, but hopefully you will be able to draw some information out of him, persuade him to 'get back on track', and look towards a better future.


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## hyper-Suze (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi Sophie! Welcome, I only joined this week but hopeful as I've had diabetes for 9 years(at aged 19) I can offer my insight. After reading your post, I feel that I have in the past displayed similar behaviour that of your partner! For me it was a mechanism for distancing myself from being hurt. I thought that by revealing my illness that I'd not only be seen as weak, different but also that the man I love may not want the burden of taking care of me whether it was in the present or the future(it still haunts me today at the thought of him having to care for me if I lose my sight or a main limb) but the bigger fear was...would he leave me! However he has come thru for me a number of times and 'saved my life' when my sugars were in the 40's and less than an hour away from dying. He cared so much and I think this is what shocked him into the seriousness of the illness including when I was fitting in the bed after recovering from the norovirus, had a glass of wine plus too much insulin. My sugars were 0.6 so I think your man needs reassurance that you are there no matter what! 
As a way to demonstrate this, maybe you could ask if you can attend with him to his clinic or dsn appointments? The worse he can say is no? But it seems at the very least that you need educating too about what to do. Since my episodes, Rick has come to many of my appoinments. 
It is also worth noting that if he is having a hi sugar intake and drinking the wrong things then this maybe more of a psychological issue. I am battling with the acceptance issues of diabetes. I've found this website fantastic and maybe you could show it to him to encourage him to join? The people are a great support and offer some good suggestions and well, a just a place where can be yourself and others understand!! Hope it all works out for you and try to get your man on here to air his views! Take care...Suze


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## Twitchy (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi Sophie,

I'd just like to say what a lucky man he is - you obviously care deeply for him & are keen to know how best you can support him, which is wonderful.

For a good basic intro to diabetes (living with it, treatments, etc) I'd take a look at the diabetes uk website, diabetes.org.uk . There shoud be plenty on there to get you started with what's what etc.  As for how you broach this with him, I would just tread gently...when you've had something like this for so long, whether well or poorly controlled, it can get very frustrating when people (however well meaning) try to "help" but it comes across as if they are policing you!   Maybe you could just ask him to explain it to you, as you're interested?  

All the best, & good luck!

Twitchy


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## rossi_mac (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi Sophie, welcome, I hope you manage to help your man get some stability and control, but I think you are right to be cautious, us men can be well I think you know what we can be like! As others have said read a few websites, and maybe try and casually chat to him about it, do you carb count? Or how do you find injections?, drop them in see if he slowly opens up? Stick with it, he'll appreciate it I'm sure. Feel free to chat more, ask us all any Q's you want.


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## sophie08 (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi everyone, 

wow thabk you all so much for replying to my messages and not thinking I was just being ignorant. I checked out a few websites last night and found it all quite confusing and scary, had a sleepless night worrying and I have decided I can't not know any longer. 

I'm going to takes rocci_macs advice and just drop subtle questions like about carb counting as I am not aware of him doing this. Don't worry I won't be invasive and intrusive about it I'm just going to explain that I need to understand it as best I can but make him aware that I don't intend to make him uncomfortable about it...if that makes sense  but I also need him to know I'm here no matter what. What's the best way for me to approach that? Cos obviously I can't just turn around and say 'Hey babe just so you know if you do loose any limbs or your sight I will still love you' but I know it's important that he does know that!

I think he does have regular doctor appointments as I see some hints that he leaves lying around his flat so maybe I am overracting but I definatly need to get a better understanding of just what level his health is actually at and how much he looks after himself.

Plus I'd have noo idea what to do if he did hypo! There have been a few times when I've had to feed him a load of sugary foods and drinks but after seeing him at the pub, it took him about twenty minutes to actually admit he needed sugar, when all it took to sort him out til we got the food was to drink the pint of coke I had in front of me.

Hopefully I can come home on monday a lot less worried and a lot more understanding  but I'll let you know what I found out as no doubt I'll have more questions!

Thank you all so much it's nice to know i've got people I can come to if I ever need to know or understand anything, 

Sophie x


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## Steff (Aug 13, 2009)

evening sophie nope you aint alone hun anytime you need us just drop a thread x

as for how to get around the being there for him , just kinda sit him down or if your more comfy write him a letter sometimes we get all jittery , thing is from what you say as i said in my pther reply you sound so in love with him a nd if he knows your there he only gotta look into your eyes to see what you feel for him ,


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## aymes (Aug 13, 2009)

sophie08 said:


> Plus I'd have noo idea what to do if he did hypo! There have been a few times when I've had to feed him a load of sugary foods and drinks but after seeing him at the pub, it took him about twenty minutes to actually admit he needed sugar, when all it took to sort him out til we got the food was to drink the pint of coke I had in front of me.



That's pretty much it! Get some quick acting sugar, like a sugary drink, into him! For a more servere hypo he may have an injection kit of glucagon which he may chose to teach you how to use if he did lose consciousness, but I do know a lot of people would rather have paramedics called in that situation rather than teaching others to use it, personal choice I guess! 
The problem with hypos is if your sugar's low you're not thinking straight which is probably why it took him so long to admit he was hypo.


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## whitty (Aug 14, 2009)

*whitty*

Hi,sophie08.    It sounds to me like your boyfriend has,nt accepted that he is a diabetic and i would say that is true for for a very high per-centage of diabetics.Accepting that he is a diabetic will be by far the best thing he can do and realising that yes he can eat or drink what he wants,but has to cover it with insulin.Which does,t make him not normal[like a lot of diabetics feel]Which is probably why he isnt very open about it with you.He needs to know he can really trust you and that you can accept him as he is[sounds like you do]and not get freaked out when he has a hypo or injects himself in front of you.He may have had a previous bad experience of trusting someone and been let downor because he thinks  why should you choose him when you could choose someone normal.a lot of diabetics feel not normal until they accept it.I have been insulin dependant for 37years and went through all sorts until i accepted things and started to change my attitude.your boyfriend will open up to you when he is ready and i would just say to him look im here for you,it does,nt bother me one bit that you,re a diabetic,and i really would like to learn more about it to help me to help you ,if you need it.


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## rossi_mac (Aug 15, 2009)

Hey Sophie, how's it going, I hope you've managed to have a bit of a chat?


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## herford (Aug 18, 2009)

Hullo Sophie,
I am new on the site, too and have just discovered the diabetes uk website at 3 a.m!  My grandaughter of 27 has a boyfriend with type I diabetes and I can empathise with your worries.  It is difficult for someone to alter their eating habits and healthy eating sounds very boring.
I have type II diabetes and have had a scare of being told I must take insulin.  A very good friend has given me 'instructions' to curb my sugary and fat intake, right down to having skimmed milk.  I never thought I could do it, but I have been doing this for several weeks now and it is becoming a habit.  I have also bought a juicer and juice vegetables, which I hate, but they make lovely drinks - things like celery and peppers.  It also makes me feel full and the weight is falling off at last. 
Walking is a great help, relaxing and the fresh air especially near trees is a bonus.
What you have to understand is that most diabetics - like me and my granddaughter's boyfriend - are usually in denial.  The seriousness of the situation is hard to grasp and it is more difficult for you. Start with little changes in his diet and I hope they grow from there.
Keep persevering.


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## grandad10 (Aug 18, 2009)

use the old fashioned method sophie , sit him down and talk to him agree a programe that involves you, i know for myself how emmbarising it is to inject in front of others , but you get use to it so talk to each other


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## sophie08 (Aug 21, 2009)

hey guys, sorry I've not been back in contact for a while, I find it hard to get alone time on the family computer so I've been able to read all your replies on my phone but been unable to reply til now.

First of all can I just want to say thank you all so much for your replies you've all been so helpful.

My plans to discuss it with him went a bit wrong last weekend...as he had a hypo on Sunday morning! He realised it was coming on a rested and got some sugar down him though that wasn't enough and he ended up in bed with me feeding him more food, he was semi confused but not completly but if he'd gone out completly again I'd of had no idea what to do! He managed to inject himself thankfully. I'd of had no one to call as I know his family were away! So after he slept the day away I asked what I'm meant if he ever gets worse then that...and his response was that he won't so I don't need to worry and changed the subject! And every time I touched down on the subject after that he just totally avoided it. I can understand why but I wish he could see he needs to be just a tiny bit more open about how to handle it just so I don't worry so much.

His foots also giving him loads of pain...he's not walking on it properly and he always has socks on to protect his feet but even when he has a shower he'll only take the sock off his good foot...he's hiding his foot from me and that's scaring me even more.

We went out drinking on Saturday night and on the way home I was babbling on about my newly diagnosed diabetic friend and how her boyfriend is really controlling of her drinking because of it and I said to him how she's still in denial about the diabetes... he responded by saying once she's use to it and got it in control she'l be able to start accepting it, which made it sounds like he's not in denial which confused me further. So maybe he's fully accepting and he thinks the more he hides from me the better it is for me.... I really wish I knew!

I really hope I'm just being melo dramatic as I tend to be like that and I'm sorry for babbling on it's just good to say (well write) everything and get it in the open, even if no one replies at least I've got it all off my chest 

Thanks again guys the support means a lot, especially with you being so willing to offer it when I don't even have diabetes I do feel bad about it and let me know if I do ever seem insensitive or rude please as I don't mean it. I'm just one of those people who worries about absolutely everything!

Tahnks again,

X


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## Northerner (Aug 21, 2009)

Hi Sophie, it worries me a little too that he appears to be hiding his foot and has problems walking on it. Is there someone else you can talk to to persuade him to get it looked at? I know it may seem as though you're going behind his back, but if he won't do anything about it on his own and won't talk to you it's the only thing I can think of. Does he have regular check ups do you know? And does he record his injections and test his blood often with a fingerprick test?

It sounds like it may take a little time to get his confidence, so try to take it slowly and hopefully each time a little bit more information might come out and he will learn to trust you more. I hope he realises soon that you only want to help and understand because you care for him.


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## rossi_mac (Aug 21, 2009)

Good to here from you again, all I'll say is post here as much as you want, you are unlikely to offend anyone (within reason!) But keep trying if he is just trying to protect you then be brave and just be blunt ignore the subtle approach, have a moan at him, it might be the wake up you both need? 

Well whatever you do good luck and I hope you sort it soon, as it is clearly a concern of yours.


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## sophie08 (Aug 21, 2009)

I know he knows he can trust me now and he knows how much I care about him, but as I said he knows I'm a big big worrier about tiny things so I think and hope he feels to bad to add to that by being more open. I've probs got that totally wrong though 

All I know is that he was getting big sterile plasters from the supermarket but when I got to his house one day I noticed he had a new big box of sterile plasters that look more then just super market bunch so i'm hoping that this is a good sign and that he has been to the doctors about it. But having a sore foot for three months and hiding it from me, it just doesn't seem right. The fact that he hides it so obviously makes it a lot worse though, like in the morning when he puts his socks on he'll put his good foot one on openly then completly turn his back so I can't see him putting the bad one on, and I'm thinking why, if he's a got a plaster on it then surely there shouldn't be anything bad to hide but there obviously is.

I couldn't go to any of his friends and he lives over an hours drive away, so I've got no chance of ever seeing his parents unless he's with me. 

I guess I just need to worry less and be more patient and maybe get a bit more out of him as time goes by. I mean the few times he's sayed at mine he's injected himself in the same room as me as I've told him it really doesn't bother me so he can't be that shy about it 

I wish i could just sit him down and make him talk to me about it but I don't know how I'd go about it and what I'd say or what I could ask and what to expect in reply, but I just want to know how he feels. Like a lot of you guys are open about the fact that you don't want to 'share' your diabetes with a partner and others say your partners are there every step of the way, I just want to know where I stand without seeming selfish but I want him to think I'm not that worried so that that doesn't get in his way.

Man, I miss school relationships where it was all 'OMG what do I wear?!' relationships are so much harder when your actually in love with someone  lets hope he's worth it eh! 

x


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## Steff (Aug 21, 2009)

hi sophie nice to hear from you again I was actually thinking about you yesterday afternoon as your post really was a worrying one , like been said it is worrying he is hiding his foot issues, hmm i guess the harder the work the more rewards you will reap , he will soon realise that you love him dearly and only want the best care for him x please keep us posted as much as you can xxx


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## Northerner (Aug 21, 2009)

Sophie, I wonder if it might be worth you getting hold of a diabetes specialist nurse (DSN) at your local clinic and asking her advice on the matter. Partners of people with diabetes are considered an important part of the healthcare 'team', so you should be able to get an appointment. Obviously, patient confidentiality would mean you couldn't talk about his specific case, but some professional advice on how to deal with it might be helpful.


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## NiVZ (Aug 21, 2009)

Hi Sophie,

I haven't replied yet, but have been following your posts.

The foot issue does sound worrying, but I might have a bit of a theory (but this could be completely wrong).  A good few years ago I had a very bad verrucha on my the bottom of my foot.  Being diabetic you can't use any of the conventional treatments so it grew really big, looked really horrible, was very uncomfortable to walk on and was there for a long time.  During that time I always kept my foot covered and didn't like anyone seeing it.  

I eventually managed to clear it up using a herbal remedy of taking Thuja tablets and applying lemon oil directly onto it.  

I may be completely wrong, but that rang a bell in my head when you described how he's been acting.

NiVZ


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