# Neighbour dispute!  Need help



## lucy123 (Jul 10, 2014)

I know this is totally off the subject but I really could do with some advice as i am literally left tearing my hair out and am in tears.

We have a next door neighbour who is in his 80's and to be honest despite all of our attempts to get on with him he is totally making our life miserable and to be honest at the moment I really cant take any more of him.

Both husband and I are currently having to fly backwards and forwards to Ireland as husbands mum is terminally ill, I am in and out of critical care these days with a condition, both of us are having to hold down very demanding jobs as well as basically feeling like we are walking around holding our breath these days to get through.

We have a neighbour whom we have always been polite too apart from once where we really told him his attitude was out of order.

He constantly moans about our garden, both front and back - moans our grass isn't cut as soon as the sun comes out (he doesn't get we work full time) and also has gone as far as to criticise everything in our garden and even my husband>

We had a decking built after I had a very serious illness to give me somewhere to sit and relax and enjoy - he has moaned about this saying it is too high and it faces his house - it faces all the houses and was well hidden until he insisted my husband cut down the conifers we had to shade it - so we don't sit at that end of  the garden now. This year we have moved to a tiny little patio just outside our door - and at the side is a beautiful clematis and honeysuckle surround which is attached to a trellis that is attached to a fence - his fence. He has now just been round and told my husand he is taking all of the fence down and clematis etc with it as it should never have been planted that close to his fence. We never planted it - it has been there since we moved in in 2002 - but he says  we are lying.  This is my absolute sanctuary and only place in the garden I can go without feeling he is watching me and commenting all the while - I have my morning coffee there and my cuppa when I get home.
He also removed the fence that was all the way down the garden and put a  low fence up with gaps all the way along so we have absoltuely no privacy at all.  

It just seems he wants everything his way and is not prepared to compromise at all - we are doing all the compromsiing as we are being respectful of his age.

I am now thinking I should put a 6 foot fence next to his small fence but not touching it - but not sure if I am allowed legally. He says he took the fence down as it was blocking sunlight onto his plants.

He owns the fence but I shall be so upset if he tears down my little piece of the garden I love so much.

He also has called my husband a useless piece of sh** as the garden isn't done every day.  I have to say our garden is beautiful and allowing for the fact we work is kept very tidy - its just a shame we feel we cant enjoy it any more.
I really love my house and dont want to move but I feel so miserable now.

Any advice would be most appreciated - although I do think talking to him has gone out the window.


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## AlisonM (Jul 10, 2014)

I'm not sure but I believe the legal height limit is around 6 feet so you could put up a screen to that height inside your garden boundary, perhaps some trellising and replant the clematis and other suitable screening plants along it. If he wants to take issue then, let him call the council.

I wonder if the old soul is lonely and creating 'issues' to get attention? It's still tough on you whatever his reasons are.


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## AlisonM (Jul 10, 2014)

One other thing. Do you have any 'historical' images showing the property as it was when you bought it, if it came down to legal case (which I hope doesn't happen) they would be invaluable. Also, do you know how to contact the previous owners? Maybe they can give you some background on him.


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## KookyCat (Jul 10, 2014)

Do any of your other neighbours get along ok with him?  I'm only asking because a third party might be able to talk to him and explain that you are having a very difficult time and maybe get him to calm down?  

I wonder whether he's lonely and his conflict with you is his way of interacting with you, I know that doesn't help much but he sounds very fixated on what you're doing?


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## lucy123 (Jul 10, 2014)

Thanks everyone for trying to help.

He definitely isn't lonely - his wife is lovely but would not obviously hear anything bad said against him - although he always starts when she is out or at church.

He tends to pick his enemies - he wasn't happy with the previous owners (or so he tells us) and then  fell out with previous owners the other side.

I actually do think he is a bully.

He has upset more tradesmen who come to our property over the years and even had a full on argument with our roofer when the poor soul was out in the snow redoing our roof cos he didn't want our covering touching his!

I think the time has come to tell him straight - and then put the fence up!

He is coming round on Saturday apparently - i cant wait.


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## Flower (Jul 10, 2014)

As Alison says you can put a fence up on your land up to 6ft but there are restrictions eg if the boundary fronts a highway -which it doesn't sound like, or you are in a Conservation Area or a listed building ( these are the rules in England). As a town planner I've spent so much time trying to sort things like this out! 

One thing I would be careful of if you decide to do this, as your neighbour sounds rather awkward, he could then remove his low fence and claim a few more centimetres of your garden which could descend into a worse boundary dispute, especially when selling a property. If you choose to do this, photograph what is there to start with and check that there aren't any planning restrictions or issues by giving your Local Planning department a ring -we are a very nice bunch honest. Good luck trying to get your privacy back.


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## KookyCat (Jul 10, 2014)

Well good luck for Saturday .   I hope it goes well.


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## Mark T (Jul 10, 2014)

If he had been my neighbour he would of by now got 100% verbal thrown back at him! Not that it would of helped of course 

In my old house I had a neighbour who moaned that I didn't cut my grass enough - but our front garden was joined so it did make his look messy.

The one thing I would say is that you have to stop giving him any concessions.  He gives you issues even if you do what he wants therefore you should not do what he asks.  Yes, put a 6 foot fence up, grow more conifers to give you privacy.  Make the garden how you want it.  If he moans - smile and ignore him.

We have issues with our neighbours, they decided to put a higher fence up next to ours which I *really* appreciated.  But it's on their land.

They used to nag me about my parking.  But I ignored her.  She didn't like that I left the car further back then I could.  But I don't leaving it forward as the car bonnet get's covered in bird poo.  It turns out she likes to use our drive space to reverse in when she has to back out of her space (parking is a bit tight around me).  She has given up nagging now!

Keep a record of what he says and does especially including offensive and threatening language.  If you build a long term record you may have scope to discuss with your local PC and see what advice they can offer.


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## Maryanne29 (Jul 10, 2014)

We had a neighbour like this once. A real grumpy old man. He made various complaints related to 'damage' to his fence but we took photos that proved there was no damage and of course he didn't like that. He too complained about absolutely everything we did but I felt he was a very happy man. He died a few years ago and his daughter now lives in the house and she is lovely and we all get on well.
A difficult situation but we found it best to just try and ignore our neighbour and his silly issues.
Good luck!


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## Redkite (Jul 10, 2014)

What a thoroughly unpleasant man!  We have been unfortunate enough to have neighbour problems in two previous homes and you have my heartfelt sympathy because it's an awfully stressful situation.  I would have thought that just because he is responsible for the boundary fence, doesn't mean he can reduce the current height.  You are entitled to maintain your current level of privacy - do put up some screening, either bamboo screening or a higher fence of your own.  Ignore his jibes about your garden, and if you've already tried to explain that your relative is ill and you have a lot on your plates, a good neighbour would have offered to mow your lawn himself!  So tell him to stop complaining and mind his own business, and then keep a diary of any unpleasant or offensive behaviour.


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## trophywench (Jul 10, 2014)

I want to know who invited him to come round on Saturday?  If you haven't - don't let him in.


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## ypauly (Jul 10, 2014)

His behavior sounds very anti social and is and obvious cause of distress. That is not going to be an easy thing to deal with but we do have laws that can be enacted should you wish to go down that route.

If he can't be spoken to by yourselves maybe there is a family member of his he will listen to?

If all else fails then i'm afraid it could involve a trip to the police station and ask if they can send a PCSO for a chat at least then his behavior will be recorded in case you need to go further and ask for an injunction/court order of some type.


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## lucy123 (Jul 12, 2014)

Thanks everyone again.

YPauly we really dont want to go down the route of taking any action - I think he is 86 after all.

But still today he stood looking at his  whilst we had our coffee and shaking his head aaaargghh.

We are now pondering with putting up some sort of 6ft artificial screening - something that may be cheaper than fencing (for now) but alongside his fence but may last a while and not come down in the wind..in a nutshell something instant cheap looks good and long lasting - at least this way we will get some privacy and peace instantly......any suggestions would be most welcome - I think fencing would go beyond ourb budget at the moment - maybe next year.


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## AlisonM (Jul 12, 2014)

How about something like this windbreak. It's really bright and guaranteed to piss him off. As a temporary measure, it shouldn't break the bank either, but of course, there are far more tasteful options available too.


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## trophywench (Jul 12, 2014)

You can get polyester windbreaks that are 1.5m high and 5.5m long, in plain sludge green OR with the print of a hedge or even a brick wall on them !  They would be fun !

or something like these

http://www.primrose.co.uk/garden-screening-c-318.html?src=footer

but not partic cheap.


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## Andy HB (Jul 13, 2014)

Whilst out walking yesterday, I walked past a stand of bamboo (live and growing rather than the cut variety). I thought that this might be an alternative to a solid fence and looks nice .... might need some space though.

Even though this bloke is 86, it doesn't give him licence to make your lives a misery. A chat from a PCSO might be the kick up his arse that he needs to stop being such an ogre. It needn't be anything more than a chat though.

Good luck with it all and I hope he sees the light soon.

Andy


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## trophywench (Jul 13, 2014)

Because I am me, not only would I plant bamboo, after I did I'd also go round and tell him to please not cause any disturbance around or near the bamboo, since you are soon taking delivery of a giant panda cub from China as soon as it's weaned, and they get aggressive if disturbed.


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## Mark T (Jul 13, 2014)

The only problem with bambo is that it can try to spread a bit underground, but it does take a few years to start doing that.

Although, talking of spreading plants.  I didn't realise what a nuisance raspberry's could be.  I planted those on our border. Ooopps!  Every so often I find a little raspberry plant popping up it's head in my lawn about a meter away from the parent plant.


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## lucy123 (Jul 14, 2014)

Thanks again - we have seen bamboo on a roll but would then need to plant fence posts too - and then the cost goes up (heaven forbid if we fixed the bamboo to his posts).

We have decided that the very next time he speaks to us about anything we will be politely saying - we just want you to know that you may not mean it but you are really upsetting us and making us feel uncomfortable in our home - therefore we are now going to put up a higher fence on our side. We didn't want to do this but now feel we have no choice - it is your fault this has happened.

We heard from neighbours on the other side of us (who are very nice) about old neighbours he had the other side. Apparently when he went on holiday they put up a beautiful 6 foot fence and when he got back there was an argument that went on for 3 days and even his wife got involved. He accused them of stealing his daylight, accused them of stealing some of his land, demanded it was removed and tried everything to upset them after - but they stood tight and wouldn't remove it.
Looks like putting up the fence wouldn't mean its over for a while but at least I dont have to sit with him staring all day.

I think its more likely to be next year now when we can afford the fence - but will have to warn the fencers about him before hand.

This does all seem silly doesn't it when there are much more important issues taking place in the world.


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## AlisonM (Jul 14, 2014)

I had an idea. My brother got hold of some heavy duty sailcloth that he's made a sun shade out of. Perhaps you could do something similar with something like that and a length of washing line? Make a sort of curtain that you can pull to hide the area when you want to be private. I could come and paint a 'murial' on it for you. 

Oh, and it's not at all silly. The old 'B' is making you miserable and you ave a right to your privacy.


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## lucy123 (Jul 20, 2014)

Laughing at you painting the sails Alison.

Well we have finally decided to stand up to the old sod and next weekend we will be putting in fence spikes, fence posts and fiiting some bamboo screens.
None of this will be touching his fence and it will all be on our side so he cant complain.

One thing I am concerned about though is that the screens are 4m wide by 2m high so 6ft 6ins high - I think the maximum should be 6ft.

However his land is a good half foot higher than ours so it should only be 6ft on his side - any ideas where I stand with this.

So putting to the vote do we:

1) cut it back by half a foot - probably wouldn't look so good.
2) Put it up anyway and just let him moan.
3) Contact town planners and see where we stand.

I am wondering why they would sell it 2m high if not allowed - does the 6ft rule apply to privacy screens as well as fences?


and:

would you:

1) just put it up and not tell him (my preference as it is nothing to do with him) or
2) Tell him and spend 3 days arguing about it.

So looking forward to some privacy and peace and quiet - and beginning to realise how ill this has made me - ridiculous isn't it.


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## AlisonM (Jul 20, 2014)

[1]Do it
[2]Don't tell him
[3]If asked about the height, plead ignorance


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## trophywench (Jul 20, 2014)

I think it's generally 2 metres but only AFAIK the bit that abuts the Public Highway (which can be the footpath or a Public footpath, not necessarily the actual road.)

Ring the Council and ask is my advice, then when/if he does complain you can say very firmly that 'Anytown Borough Council Bye-Law 32 paragraph m part IV item viii states very clearly 'whatever it says' 

LOL


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## Mark T (Jul 20, 2014)

I think bamboo fencing doesn't necessarily count as it's not solid fencing.  Plenty of people have trellis or bamboo above their 6-foot fences around here.

Also, what would be the difference between growing a set of conifers next to the fence and those go over 6 foot?


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

Thanks again everyone.

I have checked with the council this morning and they have confirmed that i can put up a screen (or fence) up to 2m high.  They have also confirmed that the posts can go his side with the nice screen only showing on my side (I just know that is going to upset him).

I also have a printout of this that they guided me to on the website.

They have advised if he kicks off hubby is to politely ask him to visit his local council office to check if we have done anything wrong. If he still kicks off we are to tell him we will call the police if he doesn't calm down.

We explained we will not be telling him beforehand otherwise it will be an added argument to contend with.

They did say he may then go down the route of complaining about us making noise etc - which is normally the next step in their experience, so we will be prepared.


Now to the screening - I have looked at some screening from Wickes - but when you look at the picture you still can actually see through - so anybody any idea where I can find a better one that may block the view more?  I have bought 10 rose bushes too - which will grow high over time, but currently stand at about 3-4ft so not tall enough to block us yet.

Has anyone else got a screen and does it do the job in blocking - I wondered if we didn't stretch it so much it may give more privacy?

I will take pics once it is up - who knows I may even throw a celebration party (buit we will have to keep the noise down of course!)


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## Mark T (Jul 21, 2014)

If you have got a smarthpone, you can often find an app that uses the microphone to calculate and display the current ambient sound level.

If he does complain about noise then you could always use some readings to show exactly how noisy you were.

Not that he will get anywhere probably, usually they need evidence of several days of loud noise for the council to take action.


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

Sounds good Mark - any suggestions on screens?


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## Annette (Jul 21, 2014)

We used Brushwood screening (from B&Q) when we wanted to screen our end neighbours - its a bit like lots of v. thin branches, so rather than the straight up and down effect you get from bamboo (with gaps between) you get a more hazy effect - with twigs sticking off at angles between the uprights, so its a bit more opaque.


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

Thanks Annette -  I have jsut been looking at that.


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## AlisonM (Jul 21, 2014)

Another, albeit slower option would be to get some trellising and plant something like an evergreen ivy that would eventually cover the whole thing giving you a lovely green screen. Mind you, you could do that over the twig/bamboo screening too.

Like these


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

Thats another good idea Alison - we had that at our last house and boy did it spread.

We have the rose bushes too which over time will grow up the bamboo.

On reading some reviews some people have doubled up - which would work - and I could just double up in the areas more in view.

It would still be cheaper than fencing.  

We could keep adding layers over time too and annoying neighbour would just think it was his eye sight gettign worse!


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## AlisonM (Jul 21, 2014)

We have the Trachelospermum asiaticum/Asiatic Jasmine growing against our front wall. It's a bit 'twiggy' up here but definitely evergreen and very pretty in flower.


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

Just googled it - looks very nice.


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## AlisonM (Jul 21, 2014)

lucy123 said:


> Just googled it - looks very nice.



It is and it smells gorgeous too. So does the Lonicera (Honeysuckle). In fact, the two work very well together.


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## lucy123 (Jul 21, 2014)

We have the honeysuckle already mingled in with  some clematis - looks lovely and that is the bit the eejut next door wants to pull down!


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## trophywench (Jul 21, 2014)

You do have to be careful with plants growing up and over fencing or screening, because of the weight.  A fantastic honeysuckle we had on a shared woven larchlap type fence (both of us loved it, I think actually it was next doors but the current owners hadn't planted it) - anyway, basically it broke the fence, which you couldn't creosote for obvious reasons, so with the water and the plant, goodbye fence.

Terrible shame, it was gorgeous! - I used to choose to come in the back door cos you sort of had to plough through the flowers and your clothes smelled divine for days !

Told you the Council would be helpful Lucy!


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## lucy123 (Jul 25, 2014)

In the words of victor meldrew - I dont believe it.

Caught the neighbour last night putting his hose pipe on full throttle and blowing all the petals off my 10 rose bushes!!  Some roses survived but not many.

The screens go up sunday - we have opted for Reed and may do a double up.

Spoke to a very nice man at Wickes who was very helpful.


Going to put another post as haven't a clue how to look after rose bushes but would really like them to survive.


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## AlisonM (Jul 25, 2014)

Roses are pretty tough plants and they should be OK so long as it only the flowers that were damaged.


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## David H (Jul 25, 2014)

lucy123 said:


> Now to the screening - I have looked at some screening from Wickes - but when you look at the picture you still can actually see through - so anybody any idea where I can find a better one that may block the view more?



I painted the interwoven wood lap panels with 'Ronseal' Green Garden Paint, then on the side facing my neighbour, I stapled some weed barrier (black fine woven material) on the side viewed by my neighbour (making sure it is stretched correctly with staples not exposed to immediate view) he thought it was part of the wood lap).


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## lucy123 (Jul 27, 2014)

Thanks David.

Well we have sorted it - but not totally quite in the way we wanted to.

The privacy screen went up yesterday (2m high) along the biggest and most open part of the garden where his fence is. We put in our own fence posts and made absolutely sure it wasn't touching his fence posts at all.  It definitely gives us the privacy we need when sitting in the garden. His wife even commented to my husband how impressive it was - and it does look lovely with the rose bushes in front.

So last night we had a lovely evening having a drink in the garden some good conversation over soft music. It was a beautiful evening. We turned our music off at 10pm and sat chatting quietly over candlelight.

So imagine our disgust when at 10.58 exactly (and yes I have recorded this in a notebook) our neighbour crept out his house went up to our fence posts and started shaking and rocking them with all his might. He obviously wanted it all to fall down!

I have to say I have never heard such language from my husband (and hope I dont again) but basically the neighbour was called some very bad names and told to go forth and multiply!!!  He then stood staring at me constantly and wouldnt go away until I shouted at him and asked him what the hell his problem was and why would he do this to someones private property!  I finished my rant at him with an expletive too.

He's been quiet today  



Since this, we have added more screening so he now cant see through the gap he stood staring at me through.

We have also now decided to start saving immediately and we are having a full 2m high fence from top to bottom.

Well no one can say we didn't try to be nice and do things the right way.

On a good note though I have spent the whole day gardening and thoroughly enjoyed it - it is so different when someones eyes aren't in your back all day and then hearing that you are doing it wrong -  I actually quite impressed myself today and felt a bit like Charlie Dimmock!!!

Hopefully things will continue to be okay now - just dreading how much it will cost to have the fencing done.


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## Northerner (Jul 27, 2014)

The man is clearly deranged  I hope he has learned his lesson and you never have to deal with him again


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## AlisonM (Jul 27, 2014)

Maybe getting shouted at will be enough to make him behave from now on.


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## lucy123 (Jul 27, 2014)

I very much doubt it - but at least he knows what will come his way if he does.

We are also thinking of putting up a fake cctv now just to make him think before he touches anything else of ours.

A few other things now make sense to us- but we dont have any proof at the moment.


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## AlisonM (Jul 27, 2014)

lucy123 said:


> We are also thinking of putting up a fake cctv now just to make him think before he touches anything else of ours.



Good idea. Pity you can't find a way to record him for real.


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## lucy123 (Jul 27, 2014)

I was actually sat with my iphone in front of me when he attacked the fence posts - but you always think afterwards dont you.


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## Homedaze (Jul 28, 2014)

Hello Lucy,

Of course you can put up a screen within your own garden near to your neighbours fence.  We did just that.  Our garden backs on to the gardens of a row of terrace houses. There is an old low wall at the bottom of our garden with fir trees in front of it.  We began to notice that someone was trimming our trees and we would see a man standing in the gap watching us!

We put up a fence panel two feet within the boundary to block his view.  On seeing this single panel, the man asked us if he could put his fence panels next to our panel to create a new back fence for him.  

The same man also complained when we removed a diseased Poplar because he had created his garden with the Poplar as part of his landscaping.  Cheeky bu@@er!


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## lucy123 (Aug 5, 2014)

I really do despair- and have really add enough now. We really are bordering on getting the police to have a word - but i do know they have more important things to worry about.

9 am yesterday morning, the start of a weeks holiday.

Hubby was watering the garden and neigbour stood staring at him. Neighbour then said 'aren't we speaking then?' over and over to hubby. Hubby finally gave in and said 'dont want to speak to you'.  Neigbour then erupted and started calling hubby names***** idiot , etc. he was clearly goading hubby. Hubby then snapped and gave him what for. I then got involved and said to him we dont want to talk to you, we just want you to leave us alone. He kept going on and  I just shook head and he got louder and told me I would listen.  he called me a 'b*tch which his wife heard.  It made me quite ill as he wouldn't shut up. He said we hadn't told him we would put fence up (we didn't answer) he said we had to take it down because weeds would grow between the two fences (we ignored him) he then said the roofers had done our roof wrong and we needed to get them back (our roof not his) and if we didn't he would rip our roof off! He then called me the B*tch again and basically I finished by tellling him to go forth and multiply  (sorry!).

His wife came out and told him to stop and she looked horrified at the names he called me. i was in tears and told her we just wanted him to leave us alone - she told him he had spoiled a beatiful day and made him go inside. I think it was his daughter that was also there but not sure.

We thought that may be the end of it but later he had visitors and was name calling us to the visitors who were also joining in and saying how disgusting we were.

Anyone want to swap houses?

On a good note our garden is looking lovely.  

I try to be respectful as he is in his 80's but the way he is going he will outlive me!

The man is a control freak and wants us to have our garden the way he wants it - he just doesn't get it is our garden and  we want privacy and  to be able to do what we want in it.

I dont really want to get the police involved but if he continues it will have to happen.
I am hoping I get chance to speak to his wife on her own (which is highly unlikely) and will then get chance to tell her we are at the end and wll bring the police in if he doesn't stop.

We are now saving for a fence - any ideas how much a 10metres wide by 2m high fence and posts etc would set us back (including labour).


Sorry for the rant and for going on about this non diabetes related saga. I Just need to share with someone and you have all been so helpful.

I might add to I am not in the best of health at the moment and this isn't helping.


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## Northerner (Aug 5, 2014)

So sorry you are having tp put up with more of this cr*p Lucy  The man is clearly disturbed, this is not normal behaviour. Try not to rise to his goading, it just seems to encourage him, hopefully he will eventually get bored.

Sorry that all this is adding to your problems at a time you are not feeling well, I hope that things improve for you and the offensive idiot gets packed off somewhere where he can bleat on all he wants, far away from you!


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## KookyCat (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you've got the patience of a saint, I'd be tempted to get the local police to have a word now if it's causing so much distress.  He clearly has problems and even though his wife seems more reasonable she either can't or won't influence his behaviour.  Good luck, must be a miserable situation.


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## cherrypie (Aug 5, 2014)

Hi Lucy,

I know you are reluctant to call in the Police but they can help you and explain to you what your options are and without him actually seeing them arrive as it can be done over the phone. 

The local council can intervene with antisocial behaviour and harassment as this clearly is.

It sounds to me as though he either needs a mental health assessment or is just a bully who is allowed to get away with things.  Sometimes bullies like to see the fruit of their labour and will keep goading for a reaction. 

 Don't ignore it as it will not go away and we need peace in our homes, it is our sanctuary.

Maisie.


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## lucy123 (Aug 5, 2014)

You are all fabulous people!  Thank you so much for being there (and so quickly) with such good advice.

Cherrypie - I do think we will go with the over the phone talk to the police (if anything just to make sure we are reacting in the right way).


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## AlisonM (Aug 5, 2014)

Thinking about his behaviour, it does sound to me as though he has dementia in some form, that kind of aggression is not uncommon. But, that doesn't mean you should have to put up with it and I reckon that chat with the Plod is long overdue. 

While you wait, try to keep your phone with you and film/record him next time he starts so you can let the police hear it for themselves.


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## Mark T (Aug 5, 2014)

Give the police a call.  Just because someone is 80+ doesn't give them the right to do this.

I hope you have been keeping a diary of occurrences where he has committed abuse as well.


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## Andy HB (Aug 5, 2014)

It's too late now, but I would suggest that you don't shout back at this 'gentleman'. It will strengthen your case for when/if you get the police round.

Certainly, his behaviour is utterly and completely unacceptable and I do not blame you at all for the fact that you have shouted at him (I probably would have done too!). But from now on, I really would keep things quiet from your side (shouting at him may give him ammunition to fire back at you in the long run and it doesn't seem to do any good anyway).

There is certainly something to be said for the phrase "Don't get mad, get even".

Anyway, I hope you achieve some resolution and quiet soon.

Andy


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## Mark T (Aug 5, 2014)

I was thinking you might want to rethink the plants you were going to plant next to the fence.  Instead or as well as the roses possibly you should consider hawthorn, gorse and prickly ivy.  I wonder if you can get a triffid from anywhere.  

Digitalis looks very nice in borders also!


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## AlisonM (Aug 5, 2014)

If you can't get a triffid, maybe Audrey would serve?


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## HOBIE (Aug 5, 2014)

Hi Lucy, Dummy CCTV normally either calm things or wind people up. You can buy them for less than £20. Solicitors must make a fortune out of boundry disputes etc. He has got a problem so good luck sorting


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## Cat1964 (Aug 5, 2014)

I would imagine it would be good as well if he is about to keep your phone on you and record everything as evidence. This man maybe old and there may be dementia but you have a right to live your life in peace without him causing upset and havoc at the drop of a hat. If I were you I'd definitely have the police out to have a word with him. It might be enough of a shock having the police in of it may make his wife be extra vigilant regarding his behaviour. I hope you get it all sorted out soon as no-one deserves this kind of thing. Take care and look after yourself too.


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## lucy123 (Aug 6, 2014)

Wow - I am truly overwhelmed by your responses - so helpful - thank you and all good advice.

Well we did call the police and a very nice PCSO called to see us today and then went next door to basically tell him he was out of order, we were upset but didn't want to keep being involved in arguments and that we wanted to be left alone and that he wasn't to speak to us anymore.

All was going okay (he said) until he told him we would be putting up a permanent solid 2m fence!  he erupted and bit the pcso head off!  

He then went on to rant about us having to pay for a new fence we had dammaged and that there was no way we was putting up the fence as it went against his right to light!  The PCSO told him we would be doing it and that he didn't want to hear of any trouble (but felt sure there would be) and basically left as he told him the police did nothing to help and that he would contact building regulations and put a stop to it!  So we sit and wait until we have enough pennies together to put the fence up!


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## Northerner (Aug 6, 2014)

Sounds like you might need something akin to the Berlin Wall  Still, he has revealed his true colours and there will be no doubt in the PCSO's mind of the level of abuse he is capable of.


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## AlisonM (Aug 6, 2014)

It's a good thing he went off on one at the PCSO, it proves your point and shows he hasn't the sense god gave a goldfish and couldn't keep his trap shut to save his life. They'll have him in view now so if, when, there is trouble they have a record of his attitude. Don't forget to keep your phone on you whenever you're out there and record his next rant, and I'm sure there will be one. Also, if you get a chance when he's not around, take pictures along your shared boundary and document any changes. I wouldn't put it past him to do some damage and try to blame you. He seems sly enough for that.


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## lucy123 (Aug 7, 2014)

AlisonM said:


> It's a good thing he went off on one at the PCSO, it proves your point and shows he hasn't the sense god gave a goldfish and couldn't keep his trap shut to save his life. They'll have him in view now so if, when, there is trouble they have a record of his attitude. Don't forget to keep your phone on you whenever you're out there and record his next rant, and I'm sure there will be one. Also, if you get a chance when he's not around, take pictures along your shared boundary and document any changes. I wouldn't put it past him to do some damage and try to blame you. He seems sly enough for that.



Thanks Alison - I do have an iphone 4 but tried recording on it and it came out muffled!  Not surey why. Will have to look into it.

On a good note 6 of us sat outside last night and had a lovely meal and then all sat around the fire pit until 11 - a lovely evening with no worries.


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## Redkite (Aug 7, 2014)

Glad to hear you've put up some screening and also stood up for yourselves - he sounds a thoroughly unpleasant neighbour.  Perhaps the microphone on your iPhone was covered when you were trying to record him last time?  Stupid old fool will end up with an ASBO at this rate!  What a shame for his wife, as it sounds like she would be happy to be a friendly neighbour.


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## lucy123 (Aug 8, 2014)

Well the last 2 days have been lovely - sitting out in the garden with my family for early morning breakfast and late in the evening - just relaxing and chatting, being able to water my plants without comment and to cut my grass without criticism - bliss.

the only thing he has done is to set his lawn mower runnining yesterday right next to where we were having breakfast - no other part of the garden and done purposefully so we couldn't hear each other talk - but we all found it rather amusing and didn't speak.

We have now been advised by the police to totally ignore each other- not even a good morning and I have to say sad though it is- this suits me. The policeman did tell us he had mentioned mediation to them but they didn't seem to understand what it was.

We did say we were open to mediation.

Now today we have received a letter and leaflet from our council offering mediation free - however I think I have chnaged my mind about it as  thel ast two days have been perfect - and  i do think if we opened the door even to enable us to say a polite good morning - it would open the gate for him to be able to comment agian and we would be back where we started - so I think best we leave it that we just dont talk at all.

The only thing is I do feel very sorry for his wife - but am thinking it wouldn't work.


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## Northerner (Aug 8, 2014)

It's unfortunate about the wife, but she must know the reasons why. As you say, it is sad, especially given that you can imagine better than most what she has to cope with 

Glad to hear that things have improved immeasurably though!


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## lucy123 (Aug 8, 2014)

So would you agree with me Alan - about refusing mediation?


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## AlisonM (Aug 8, 2014)

lucy123 said:


> So would you agree with me Alan - about refusing mediation?



I certainly do. I don't think it would achieve anything, especially if he does have some form of dementia, it could just make things worse. Shame about the wife though.


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## Cat1964 (Aug 8, 2014)

If I were you and his wife was ever on her own and you were able to talk to her I'd be saying to her that I didn't mind speaking to her and passing the time of day with her but if she is with her mad husband you won't be able to speak to her on those occasions. I mean who knows what he's like with the poor woman indoors


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## lucy123 (Aug 9, 2014)

That is what I did think Cat, but we have been strongly advised by the police not to as it could be seen to be a way of winding him up if we speak to one and not the other.

We rang the mediation team yesterday and they wouldn't really take no for an answer so I gave in and said if they wanted to go through mediation (which I dont think they will) then we would be willing to listen to what they had to say, but I added I also felt he would try to use it as another way of getting someone else to tell us what to do and to tell us we couldn't have the fence.  I cannot see him wanting to compromise at all.

So basically I left it that under no circumstances would I talk to him or allow him to talk to me again - give him a chance and he will be off again.

We just have to sit tight now and see if he replies to them......


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## lucy123 (Aug 14, 2014)

Not feeling good today - feeling quite tearful and stressed out with a thudding chest and tingles down my arm into my hand - not a heart attack folks or anything too serious - just how I go when I get into talking about the neighbour.

Well the mediators are coming to see hubby and I today.  I actually really feel like I dont want them to come as it feels it is dragging everything that has happened over the last 12 years up again and going over it and over it - I want to forget it and move on.

Since the police visit he hasn't bothered us at all. However his wife rang the mediator to say she was interested and that they both were - dont believe he is for one moment.

I have told the mediator he is only thinking its another way of him getting to us and telling us what annoys him and what we should be doing - ITS OUR GARDEN!

Sorry but this is all getting to me and affecting me.

I want him to leave us alone, not to talk to us at all - we will be putting a fence up and just want us (and any visitors/tradesment/family who visit) to be left alone.

We now have the added cost of putting up a 20 metre wide by 2m high solid fence - which no doubt is going to cost a fortune.

I dont mind a friendly hello to his wife as we meet on the front of our house - but thats it.

The thing is I feel I have been saying this until I am blue in the face and he isn't listening.

I am also even more annoyed now as my son who works 7 days a week,  but unusual hours as now told me he has been picking on him whenever he goes in the garden - things such as 'do you not go to work' Son replies 'i do actually - i work long and hard hours - followed by 'you wouldn't know the meaning of work!   

Has anyone else gone through mediation like this - or should I just ring them and say I cant go through with it?  They say that although things are calm now they are unlikely to last -  and its our chance to tell him exactly what we want - but we have been through this over and over again.

Sorry for rattling on but it is getting to me.

Can I also ask - does stress cause bs to rise - mine are 12.8 ish today - and normally not higher than 8 these days. Nothing seems to be getting them down.


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## Northerner (Aug 14, 2014)

Yes, stress can cause levels to rise, especially when it is prolonged stress of this nature. I would say that you shouldn't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to. Would your life be significantly enhanced by being able to say a brief hello to the neighbour's wife? Not really. It's sad, and you are a nice person, so you don't like the thought of upsetting someone, but you have endured some dreadful, incessant abuse. Personally, I think you need to be selfish, think of yourself, and turn down mediation. However nice the wife may be, she has known what he is like and not been able to impress upon him how unacceptable his behaviour has been, so in my opinion all the bridges have been burned.


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## lucy123 (Aug 14, 2014)

This is what I thought - but the mediators seem to think the calm wont last - and that there will always be a situation in the future where communication will need to take place - and they say then can suggest it all takes place through the wife.  They also said it would mean if we ever passed on the street we would all know how to behave - well I do already I would cross over and keep walking with my head down!  

I have agreed to them coming but I suppose if after 5 mins it goes in a direction I dont want (ie a compromise - which I refuse to do) they will politely be told I dont want to continue.

Thanks Alan - and thanks for allowing me to let it all out on here.


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## AlisonM (Aug 14, 2014)

That sounds like a reasonable plan Lucy. You will get through this and I've no doubt he'll act up giving you the moral high ground.


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## lucy123 (Aug 14, 2014)

Thanks Alison - time for some deep breaths and a camomile tea!


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## Cat1964 (Aug 14, 2014)

I hope it all goes well for you today. Make sure you get your point across and that they know this is mediation not compromise and whatever he thinks you are still putting your fence up, like it or lump it! I would also say to him about your son too. Reiterate your son works long and hard and he has no right to be upsetting your son either by making comments about what he does or doesn't do. Your neighbour sounds like a right old git!!! Try to keep as calm as you can, if you get upset you're letting him win. Here's a (((hug))) hope you get this sorted out for you're own peace of mind.


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## lucy123 (Aug 14, 2014)

Well not sure if he knows they are coming but he has been doing all he can to wind me up this afternoon.

Been working from home and so far he has parked himself on his deck chair and sat staring in - so I shut the blinds. (I know I cant stop him sitting in his own front garden - its just so intimidating).

Next he has come onto my front lawn to cut his flowers - He has never done this before so think he wanted a reaction.


Next he stood looking at a BT pipe that runs  under the lawn in our garden and stood shaking his head and following it with his eyes along the line and  up the house.

Idiot!   

I think I may have done the right thing though - I took photos - but it was through the blinds so not very clear. 

Grrrr


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## Northerner (Aug 14, 2014)

It's a shame  He's either doing it consciously and therefore deserves not one iota of sympathy, or he is unstable and doesn't realise what he is doing. Get that fence up!


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## lucy123 (Aug 14, 2014)

I would do it now Alan  but unfortunately the pennies aren't flowing quick enough at the moment - its a priority though.


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## Mark T (Aug 15, 2014)

At the risk of making myself unpopular here, he obviously has some issues that need to be dealt with and no necessarily by mediation.

Can you get the mediator to suggest he seeks some professional help, perhaps a psychologist?


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## AlisonM (Aug 15, 2014)

I agree with Mark. Of course, he could just be an unpleasant old curmudgeon, but I think he's showing some classic signs of dementia.


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## Andy HB (Aug 17, 2014)

I strongly doubt that the mediator will have the necessary knowledge to make such a suggestion. I also think that the mediation will not be successful because it requires compromise. He doesn't sound like the type!


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## lucy123 (Dec 4, 2014)

Well finally an update!

Our real fence goes up today!!!  Just done a test on the first panel they have put in and can't see over - unless he gets a step ladder!

The story continued in that we entered mediation but gave up after 3 weeks as what happened was exactly as we had expected - he sent them back telling them he will let us have a 4 ft fence but the nice side had to face him - along with lots of other demands - I have to say even the mediators couldn't handle him and did seem quite pleased when we refused to continue!

Since then he has tried all sorts of things including nasty name calling and accusations about how we live etc blah blah blah.

We have found out the best thing to do is to just smile, as this seems to upset him the most. We have tried talking and even suggested that on matters of necessity we should speak to his wife but he has forbidden us from talking to her - poor woman  I do feel for her.

We have now worked out he does not have dementia, nor is he mentally ill or lonely he is just a horrid nasty control freak who finally has to face up to the fact that there are some people who refuse to obey his every order.

Lets just put it this way, the fencers are great, but I don't think he will be starting an argument with them  - and they are going to put a fence up on the front for us too (as well as the back) as we all feel this will define our property boundary once and for all.

I am not posting this to gloat on my win(??) here but just incase there is anyone else out there who has a nuisance neighbour who has  been upsetting them in some way (no matter how small) for some time and may not be wanting to make a big issue due to repercussions. At the end of the day, it is your property and nobody has a right to make you unhappy or harass you in I so stand up for yourself right away - I wish I had 12 years ago!

Oh and I also posted to say thank you to all who posted and supported me. I now realise how stressed the whole thing was for me!  I don't think this will  be the end of things but at least I am calm again now. The next step would be to include the police again and get an ASBO!


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## Northerner (Dec 4, 2014)

Great to hear there is an end in sight (resulting in 'no sight' of him!)


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## Mark T (Dec 4, 2014)

Good on you Lucy!


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## lucy123 (Dec 4, 2014)

3 panels  up so far and honestly the stress is just melting away as complete privacy takes over. So far I have heard 3 altercations but staying indoors and letting the men do what they promised they would


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## KookyCat (Dec 4, 2014)

I'm glad it's nearly over, fingers crossed he turns his attentions elsewhere (preferably not another person of course) and you have a nice private Christmas


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## trophywench (Dec 4, 2014)

Well of course, he can't forbid you to talk to anyone, including his wife, so if she happens to be in their garden the other side of the fence and he isn't - continue!  Keep it to things like Hello, how are you?  rather than I wish your husband wasn't such a bully and such.  She isn't likely to reply if she doesn't wish to reap the repercussions of course, but stay friendly - she'll appreciate an ally.

Do the fencers know the story then?  I should think they are probably (secretly)  enjoying the haranguing if they do, LOL   Think of the fun they'll have relating the tale to their mates - should keep em in pints well up to Christmas !

Hope it's over now.  {{{Hugs}}}


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## casey (Dec 4, 2014)

Hi Lucy

I am so sorry to read of all the problems you and your family have had for so long, from that horrid man next door.
I also wanted to say WELL DONE for standing your ground and coping with everything. You have been brilliant. Nobody should have to put up with the trouble that you have had, I am so pleased that your fence is going up today. I really hope that this is the end of all your problems and you can sit and enjoy your lovely garden. Take care. x


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