# Parent with teenager in denial



## Helencass

Hello
I've just signed up to this site and posting my first message...
This is because I'm worried about my daughter who is 12. She was diagnosed with diabetes 18 months ago and for the first year coped really well, and kept her HbA1C level to around 7.5.
Since starting secondary school she is going through the usual teenage testing boundaries and answering back to everything I say, but unfortunately this also involves her blood glucose monitoring which she is refusing to do.
Her last 2 readings were 10 and then 12 lat month, and I'm worried that by the time she grows up enough to come to her senses, damage will already be done.

Is there anyone else in the same situation? How did you cope?

Thanks
Helen


----------



## bev

Hi Helen,
First of all welcome to the forum!

My son is 11 diagnosed 7 months ago, so we havent yet experienced the teenage angst! But there are a few other mums on here going through what you are - i am sure they will be around later to help out. There are also some members who have been through the teenage years and come out the other side - i think they will be the best ones to advise you!Bev


----------



## Steff

hi helen welcome to the forum i cant give advice but just wanted to say hello x


----------



## Lizzie

Hi Helen

I rebelled like your daughter. I did not take a blood sugar for years. I blame this largely on my doctors and their bad handling of me. I never knew how to change my own insulin dose til last year. They spent a lot of time telling me the horror stories about complications and no time at all telling me what to do to avoid them. It seemed to me that I was not involved in my own treatment. It seemed to me that it was easy for my parents and doctors to tell me what to do, they didn't have to live with diabetes. It is very hard to manage diabetes when all of your hormones are all over the place. I didn't do it very well so can't really give any answers other than not to do what my doctors did. Don't turn things into a battle of wills. Be loving and understanding and do trust your daughter. She will make mistakes but that is part of growing up. Don't lecture her, speak to her as an adult and explain things. Explain to her that it is fine to eat chocolate or whatever, as long as she exercises and takes her blood sugar and insulin. Don't forget at the end of the day it is her diabetes and her mistakes to make. You can show love and concern and advise her, but really you can't make her do things. If you try it is likely to make things worse. She will come through this. Encourage her, don't criticise. If you can, encourage her to go to any education sessions or maybe DUK weekends to meet other diabetics her age. Diabetes can be very isolating especially for a teenager. Try to think of ways around things which make the diabetes less visible, it can be embarassing for a teenager if people are making a fuss or they feel different from everyone else. Make it clear to teachers and other people what the deal is. For example, I hated it when everyone else got a biscuit and the teacher made a massive deal out of giving me a pencil instead. It is fine to have a biscuit as long as we inject for it. It was nice of her to think of me but I felt really embarrassed by the fuss and just wanted to be like the others. Some people do have a confused idea of what diabetes is, they may be old fashioned and think we cannot have sugar, or they may confuse type 1 and type 2. Things like this may seem small but if they happen a lot they can lead to resenting your diabetes.


----------



## sasha1

Hi Helen,

Welcome to the forum...I'm a mam to a 14 year old boy, diagnosed at 11 2yrs 4mths ago.
I understand fully what you are going through at the moment with your daughter.
I posted a thread on the general message board Teenage Diabetics....I got some great advice off others and a couple off teenagers...

Heidi


P.s....please fell free to pm me anytime if you want a chat


----------



## Mand

Hi Helen

My son is type 1 and 12 years old. He was diagnosed 23 months ago so we are in a very similar position to you. I have noticed a bit of teenage attitude creeping into things but nothing too much yet. I guess the teenage thing is only natural but it is worrying. 

My son is going to start on a pump on 7th July which we hope will make things much easier for him. Unfortunaltely he developed a needle phobia a few months ago which led to him getting funding for a pump.

Feel free to send me a private message if you wish to.


----------



## Munjeeta

Yes, I would agree very much with Lizzie's advice.

I too was diagnosed at 11, and very much rebelled against it until I graduated and joined the real world - that's an awful lot of years to let it go by the wayside and I regret it everyday. And I too blame this on a mixture of teenage rebellion, not being given the support I needed, and not being informed enough to know the truth about what I was doing without being fed horror stories.

I really would agree with Lizzie: treat her like an adult, work with her, don't make her feel guilty for bad blood sugars but remind her that she can eat whatever she likes as long as she at least attempts to cover it with insulin. My biggest problem was eating all sorts but not testing in an attempt to pretend I hadn't really eaten it...

How are her friends at school with it? And her teachers? Getting her friends onside (if at all possible) would be a great help, although I do realise they are quite young,but if they are responsible and caring friends it could help. But obviously not without her consent! I again, did not let my friends in to my day to day struggles with diabetes and only recently have they been able to ask me the questions it seems they have wanted to ask me for years...

Also, trying to get to know other families/ teenagers with diabetes would have helped me a lot...


----------



## Adrienne

Hi Helen

You must be so worried.   Take a look at www.childrenwithdiabetesuk.org  it is a website written by parents for parents of children with diabetes.   You can join an email group from the front page.   It is a very busy email list but I know there are over 10 other girls age 12 and upwards (all ages), there are plenty of mums of teenagers who have rebelled against it.    If you want to join and have trouble joining it or anything please let me know.     Bev uses both sites and says they both give different help.  

I have met lots of these girls and their families and they are all lovely people.


----------



## superstu21

Hi

I have to say i was diagnosed at 16 so went straight in to the delnial stage it has taken me till now and i am 21 to realise what an idiot i have been being. i know you have joined this site but perhaps get her to join as well as i have found the people on here so helpful and understanding.
its nice also to talk to other people that are suffering like me.

Keep going how you are tho and eventually she will break and need you to be there and when that happens suppport and understanding will be the key things she needs. i should imagine that being her mum you are probably the best friend she has (even tho we say we dont like our parents).

well done you though you are copinga lot better than i would be able to that for sure.

Stuart


----------



## Adrienne

Stuart

I would just like to say what an inspiration you are and a great message.   Some teens never quite 'get it' and I'm not just talking diabetes here.  They carry on drinking and taking drugs etc etc into their 20's as if they are still teens.   You have had to get in your head that you have diabetes which is no mean feat, its bad enough for the parents but the actual child or teen it must be so much more.   

Well done and I hope you are well.  Onwards and upwards and all that.......


----------



## mikep1979

Helencass said:


> Hello
> I've just signed up to this site and posting my first message...
> This is because I'm worried about my daughter who is 12. She was diagnosed with diabetes 18 months ago and for the first year coped really well, and kept her HbA1C level to around 7.5.
> Since starting secondary school she is going through the usual teenage testing boundaries and answering back to everything I say, but unfortunately this also involves her blood glucose monitoring which she is refusing to do.
> Her last 2 readings were 10 and then 12 lat month, and I'm worried that by the time she grows up enough to come to her senses, damage will already be done.
> 
> Is there anyone else in the same situation? How did you cope?
> 
> Thanks
> Helen



hello and welcome helen 

first off i wasnt diagnosed as a teenager. i was 20 when i was diagnosed but like your daughter i spent the first 12-18 months doing really well and had a really good stable hba1c and levels were great. i looked after myself all the time and took all my insulin and tested at least 4 times a day. well after the 18 month mark i went off the rails. i had friends who were out all the time drinking and partying etc so i thought well why cant i??? so i started to go out all the time and would drink nearly 7 nights a week and also eat what i wanted (i handt started to carb count at this point) including huge ammounts of chocolate. i went through this phase for quite a few years (i was 25ish when i got the shock that woke me up). the best thing i can say is it is invaluble to someone in this emotional place to have someone who wont be judgemental with them even tho they are doing wrong.

does your daughter carb count???

mike


----------



## Arlene

Hi Helen,

Welcome!I read your message and know the feelings of despair.I have a 13 year old daughter with diabetes type 1-she will be 14 next month.
I'm in Scotland. I found when she went to secondary school-she just didn't see the need to go to the medical room at lunchtime -and the tightness of primary school where there was someone waiting on her at lunchtime etc-all that just disappeared.The freedom-she just took-so it totally brings up so many questions about the whole structure of medical supervision.Yes my child was no longer of primary education age-but it blew things wide open for us and we have been living trying to enourage her over the past 2 years -but of course trying to get the balance right-what is that??????!!! Of course, arriving home at tea time with high blood sugars-just could go on and on.Thats the short version-so I completely understand your concerns. Looking back-just feel the secondary school freedom just was a very big step to the predictable  teenage problems.I couldn't say one bad word regarding the care at primary school.
My daughter had just turned 12 when she went to secondary school.Now,I just am there,encouraging her,moaning at her,yes I've shouted my head off through the sheer frustrations of it all .Been there done it.Yes I can worry  about a particular days readings but as you say-the long term consequences-always there.
My daughter knows Mum is not going away on it all-now she will be 14 soon-I can only say its trying for the balance talking,encouraging,giving freedom, telling her off-all to make sure she is not abandonning care of herself.
I worked for a major Telecommunications company until a few months ago-there was an internal web site about Diabetes-I posted to another parent with a teenage son.
******The dad gave a wonderful reply but if I'm being honest-I got the reply I didn't want to read-the son was very good and cared and did a good routine every day. Well done truly to the youngster, I completely mean that.I think I died for those moments realising my daughter was nothing like that.That was my first contact with a parent before this forum. So I'm here reacting to your post Helen and giving you some honesty from me to help you a little.If I can be of extra help please let me know.There is so much there to share I've got to stop!!!!I'm smiling.

I feel I've just scraped the surface of the problems in my reply-but I'm sure there are many people here at this forum who will support you all the way.You took a good step posting your message!


Take Care 

Lots of Love

Arlene x


----------



## Twitchy

Hi Helen,

Sorry to hear things are difficult! I was diagnosed as an infant & can really relate to what Lizzie said.  My rebellions were all related to frustration & anger - I hadn't really been properly educated in how to control my diabetes (I don't call 2 jabs a day proper control!), I didn't have the knowledge or tools to get it right, so being nagged about it or called a "bad diabetic" (which is what clinics felt like!) just wound me up.  Also at times, frankly I just got fed up with being diabetic!

I guess it might be worth trying to sound out what she's feeling...is it the permanency of diabetes that has now hit home? Is it some d***head at school being nasty about it? .  Is her diabetic consultant on side, or are do they come across as 'teacher like' & judgmental?  I think once you sus where she's coming from you can begin to help.

In the meantime, try not to panic.  Big changes like moving school nca be disruptive enough even without medical issues.  Diabetes can be like riding a tiger at the best of times, & emotionally exhausting when it won't cooperate!  A supportive loving parent like you (& you obviously are!) can make all the difference by just being there when she's ready to take control again.

All the best,
Twitchy.


----------



## Babsygolightly

I'm Mum to a 13 year old girl diagnosed at 10. At the same as your daughter started to rebel, so did mine... Not only that but her hormones really kicked in, her blood sugars started to change more radically and frankly we were made to feel neglectful by the nurses and consultant and dietician. Now we are in a bad place at the moment because we have a toxic mix of yo-yo bloods, erratic hormones, recently found out the monitor was faulty, the list goes on. So, I'm saying I am really sorry for you and your girl and things might not improve despite all your best efforts. I want to tell you this because I know how disheartening it is living in constant hope of the perfect control. With a growing teenager this scenario is, I believe, an unrealistic dream. All I can advise is that it's not her fault - it is normal to rebel at the things we have to conform to. It's tough that it means it can damage your health, but it IS normal. You ARE NOT ALONE in your frustration and fear.  I am a downer about my daughters Typw 1 today so this may not be helpful but it is honest feedback. I can recommend you try and hook your daughter up with other Type 1 diabetic teenagers in your area and DUK can probably point you in the right direction. Have you heard of the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation - JDRF UK? It's a charity JUST FOR Type 1 particularly young people - they'll have a branch in your region and might be able to hook you up with similar kids/parents.


----------



## HOBIE

You have a bit reading to do Helen !  I dont think you are normal if you dont rebel a bit ?  Try & look from her side & i know you will do your best. It wont be easy but keep at it


----------



## Redkite

Hi Babsygolightly and Hobie,

the original post on this thread was back in June 2009!!!!  So hopefully Helen's daughter is a well-adjusted young adult by now


----------



## trophywench

> I want to tell you this because I know how disheartening it is living in constant hope of the perfect control. With a growing teenager this scenario is, I believe, an unrealistic dream.



Don't kid yourself! - it's an unrealistic dream for any diabetic!

Perfect control only EVER happens in textbooks.  It doesn't actually exist in the Real World.  Your daughter probably knows that already.  I wouldn't be at all surprised at that.

Like someone said to me once about learning to sail - trouble is with learning The Theory in the classroom, the wind ALWAYS blows in just one direction across the blackboard diagram, and it doesn't seem to do that in real life !

And that's diabetes. 

Have you got the book by Ragnar Hanas - "Type 1 Diabetes in Children, Adolescents and Young Adults"  ?

If not get it,  Read it with her.  You'll both learn A Lot.


----------



## Holiday Girl

I have just joined the forum and read your post.
It is both comforting and helpful to me.
I have been very worried about my 19 year old daughter who has rebelled like you did.
I have come to the conclusion that al I can do is love her and be supportive and was worried that this is not enough..
Thank you


----------



## Northerner

Holiday Girl said:


> I have just joined the forum and read your post.
> It is both comforting and helpful to me.
> I have been very worried about my 19 year old daughter who has rebelled like you did.
> I have come to the conclusion that al I can do is love her and be supportive and was worried that this is not enough..
> Thank you



Hi Holiday Girl, welcome to the forum  I'm sorry that you, too, are going through difficult times, I hope that things improve for you and your daughter very soon.


----------

