# Disorder in the American courts



## nicky_too (Mar 16, 2009)

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 
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ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active? 

WITNESS:      No, I just lie there. 

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ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 

WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

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ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS:        Yes. 

ATTORNEY:   And in what ways d oes i t affect your memory? 

WITNESS:       I forget. 

ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 

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ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS:    He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS:    My name is Susan! 

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ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? 

WITNESS:     We both do. 

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo? 

WITNESS:     We do. 

ATTORNEY:  You do? 

WITNESS:     Yes, voodoo. 

______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 

WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam? 

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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? 

WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty-one. 

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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken? 

WITNESS:     Are you shitt'in me? 

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ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 

WITNESS:      Yes. 

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? 

WITNESS:     Uh.... I was gett'in laid! 

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ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right? 

WITNESS:      Yes. 

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys? 

WITNESS:      None. 

ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls? 

WITNESS:     Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 

    ______________________________________ 


ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated? 

WITNESS:     By death. 

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated? 

WITNESS:  Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? 

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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? 

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard. 

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS:  Guess. 

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ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 

WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

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ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 

WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people.  Would you like to rephrase that? 

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ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? 

WITNESS:      Oral. 

______________________________________ 

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 

WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 

WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table 
wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! 

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ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

WITNESS:  Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? 

______________________________________ 

---   And the best for last:  --- 

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 

WITNESS:      No. 

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure? 

WITNESS:      No. 

ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing? 

WITNESS:      No. 

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient w as alive when you began the autopsy? 

WITNESS:   No. 

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 

WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 

WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law


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## Einstein (Mar 16, 2009)

First class, our American friends (cousins implies we are in someway related!) are stars at missing the detail.
Maybe I've worked with a few, hence my signature below


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## Freddie99 (Mar 16, 2009)

Ah yes, the reputed intelligence of our trans Atlantic bretheren. Something did get lost when the Pilgrim fathers crossed the pond didn't it?


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## Einstein (Mar 16, 2009)

IQ: I think is the term you're looking for Tom.... perhaps brain cells?

Good with long names and odd pronunciations, so they sound clever, it's only because its the country with the oddest collection of surnames on the earth. Oh, and of course its the largest collection 

And there I think I should end my observations


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## nicky_too (Mar 17, 2009)

I love things like my first posting.

My best friend worked with an international insurance broker for 18 years. The company was bought up (they called it a fusion...yeah right) by an American company. Ever since then she's been sending me these things.


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## Einstein (Mar 17, 2009)

I think one of my favourite phrases I heard from the US was having 'a negative life expectancy' for those who don't speak English (US) this means 'dead'.

Altogether a far simpler, shorter, more descriptive word than the four they tried to replace it with and with international understanding as well! I understand it was so the deceased didn't have the stigma of being dead - as if they are going to care!


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## HOBIE (Jul 29, 2017)

My sides are splitting


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## Ljc (Jul 30, 2017)

Mine too


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## Northerner (Jul 30, 2017)

HOBIE said:


> My sides are splitting


Hehe! Thanks for reviving this one @HOBIE, some classics!


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## Ljc (Jul 30, 2017)

I've just bought the book on Amazon. 
I'm so looking forward to loads of laughter


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## HOBIE (Jul 30, 2017)

Ljc said:


> I've just bought the book on Amazon.
> I'm so looking forward to loads of laughter


Enjoy Ljc


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