# Christmas Crackers



## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

I'm going to be away over Christmas this year...so my celebrations in the UK have been brought forward.  I've just written the fortunes for my home made Christmas crackers and thought I'd share.
*
Fortune: *Never do housework wearing nothing but socks.
*Lucky Number: *2x2 (where x = the number you first thought of)
*Lucky fags: *Benson & Hedges

*Fortune: *A man in your life will reveal his secret passion for collecting dolls.
*Lucky Number: *-4
*Lucky crisps: *Prawn Cocktail

*Fortune: *Extreme sports are not for everyone – try a nice game of Scrabble instead
*Lucky Number: *666
*Lucky vitamin: *B12

*Fortune: *The so called ‘experts’ are not always right.  Enjoy plenty of salt and saturated fats!
*Lucky Number: *92,850,726
*Lucky fish: *Haddock

*Fortune: *In a world of infinite possibility one day alchemy will work…keep at it!
*Lucky Number: *0.3 recurring
*Lucky fruit: *Conference Pear

*Fortune: *Stop living a lie. Admit to the world that you love Cliff Richard.
*Lucky Number: *Beverly Hills 90210
*Lucky ointment: *Germoline

*Fortune:  *A woman in your life will be wrong. This will only happen once - make the most of it.
*Lucky Number: *pi
*Lucky vegetable: *Parsnip

*Fortune*:  Be wary of making a grand romantic gesture.  It’ll probably just make you look daft.
*Lucky Number: *020 7156 5184
*Lucky drug:  *Viagra

*Fortune: *Remember that it’s *not* the thought that counts.  People want presents.
*Lucky Number: *1984
*Lucky underwear:  *Thermals

*Fortune: *If anything can go wrong then it will go wrong.  Stay safe by doing nothing.
*Lucky Number: *1130
*Lucky time: *Half past eleven


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## Jonsi (Oct 19, 2016)

and who do we get if we call the Lucky number???


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

Toadstool you are a looney. I am qualified to make this statement because I have been tested for it myself. You beat me hands down


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Jonsi said:


> and who do we get if we call the Lucky number???


Good question Jonsi.  I had to put a dummy number on the forum. In the actual cracker I'll be giving my friend Nick the number for a woman he really fancies.  I'm cheap...that's his Christmas present.


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

We want the number we want the number we want the number we want the number


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> We want the number we want the number we want the number we want the number


No you don't.  She'd remove your innards and eat you raw!


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

We want Scary Mary's number we want Scary Mary's number we want Scary Mary's number we want Scary Mary's number


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## Mark Parrott (Oct 19, 2016)

Toastie, you are a nutter


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Mark Parrott said:


> Toastie, you are a nutter


It's a nutty world Markie...I'm just going with the flow


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

Mark Parrott said:


> Toastie, you are a nutter




As a box of crazy bullfrogs


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> As a box of crazy bullfrogs


I can't argue with you.  I know I'm loosely hinged.  However, I think I'm relatively harmless.


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## Mark Parrott (Oct 19, 2016)

*Fortune *Aim low, reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
*Lucky Number *999
*Lucky Brick *Breeze block


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

Marsbartoastie said:


> Good question Jonsi.  I had to put a dummy number on the forum. In the actual cracker I'll be giving my friend Nick the number for a woman he really fancies.  I'm cheap...that's his Christmas present.




I just rang your dummy number and got Dirty Gerty professional masseuse based in Soho. Toadstool it is time to 'fess up for your sins are about to find you out.


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Mark Parrott said:


> *Fortune *Aim low, reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
> *Lucky Number *999
> *Lucky Brick *Breeze block


That's going in my 'entertainment' folder for next year's crackers


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> I just rang your dummy number and got Dirty Gerty professional masseuse based in Soho. Toadstool it is time to 'fess up for your sins are about to find you out.


You're a mile off the mark.  I traded under the name Whiplash Alice


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

*Fortune: *You show me yours and I'll show you mine
*Lucky Number: *69
*Lucky Toothpaste: *Oral B


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> *Fortune: *You show me yours and I'll show you mine
> *Lucky Number: *69
> *Lucky Toothpaste: *Oral B


...and he picks up the ball and runs with it


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## Jonsi (Oct 19, 2016)

Marsbartoastie said:


> ...and he picks up the ball and runs with it


...just the one?


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Jonsi said:


> ...just the one?


The other is in the Albert Hall


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

*Fortune: *Get off the train before it stops
*Lucky Train No: *69
*Lucky Railway Station: *Edge Hill


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> *Fortune: *Get off the train before it stops
> *Lucky Train No: *69
> *Lucky Railway Station: *Edge Hill


Where is Edge Hill and what is its significance?  We should be told.


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

Marsbartoastie said:


> Where is Edge Hill and what is its significance?  We should be told.




No problem at all. Edge Hill is on the Liverpool Line and is the last station before the train reaches it's final destination at Liverpool Lime Street. The station is significant because during WW11 it was a key marshalling point for trains loaded with munitions manufactured in the Merseyside Area and bound for the war effort in Europe, Africa and the Far East. The station came under significant repeated luftwaffe attack in the 1940's and it is my personal belief that when Scousers suggest 'De Germans dey bombed our chippy' It was actually a fish and chip purveyor in Edge Hill to whom they were referring


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## Marsbartoastie (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> No problem at all. Edge Hill is on the Liverpool Line and is the last station before the train reaches it's final destination at Liverpool Lime Street. The station is significant because during WW11 it was a key marshalling point for trains loaded with munitions manufactured in the Merseyside Area and bound for the war effort in Europe, Africa and the Far East. The station came under significant repeated luftwaffe attack in the 1940's and it is my personal belief that when Scousers suggest 'De Germans dey bombed our chippy' It was actually a fish and chip purveyor in Edge Hill to whom they were referring


Wikipedia is good! 
I haven't been keeping up with the news recently and missed the outbreak of WWs3-11.


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## Greyhound Gal (Oct 19, 2016)

Glad I'm not the only one who has seemed to have missed 9 world wars. 
Must have been during that time that Elvis worked down the chip shop


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## mikeyB (Oct 19, 2016)

I'm off to take some chlorpromazine and lithium. Reading all this has brought on another attack.


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## Diabeticliberty (Oct 19, 2016)

Marsbartoastie said:


> Wikipedia is good!
> I haven't been keeping up with the news recently and missed the outbreak of WWs3-11.




This information was not copied from Wikipedia actually Mrs Cynical Toadstool. I feel it important to know stuff about your own manor. I even know some stuff about your manor. It is full of geezers eating jellied eels and giving it large with rabbit, rabbit, rabbit rabbit innit? 




I must away now to practice I Giorni for tomorrow's recital with my tutor


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## mikeyB (Oct 19, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> This information was not copied from Wikipedia actually Mrs Cynical Toadstool. I feel it important to know stuff about your own manor. I even know some stuff about your manor. It is full of geezers eating jellied eels and giving it large with rabbit, rabbit, rabbit rabbit innit?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


When your tutor will break into song "Thankyou for the days...."


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