# getting frustrated living with a diabetic !



## wifey (Dec 13, 2013)

hello all,my hubby is diabetic,he was diagnosed 12 months ago,although he has had "burning feet" for 25 years or more,ED for approx 6 years,and was borderline diabetic on a routine blood test 13 years ago,he was asked to have a repeat blood test a week later,so cut out all sugar and sweets before his test,,and all was ok,straight away he went back on the sugars and sweets !

his meds are metformin,amitriptyline and glicazide..
he is stick thin,and has lost more weight since diagnosed,although never seems to stop eating.
he works in a pub,30 odd hours a week,so is always on his feet.
right thats the background.
he is a changed man,always seems to be moaning,retreats into his own world,watching tv day and night,has no interest in nothing or no one.
he seems irrational,moody,and basically is making my life a nightmare.
i have always tried to be patient with him,but he wont help himself...the doctor phoned a month ago,to ask if he would go to see a dietican,he agreed,but when the letter came for him to ring the hospital,he has never acted on it,,and when i ask,has he made the appointment,,the answer is always "there's no rush"..
a month ago he started getting numbness in his feet,he went to the doctor,who told him tp double up on the knockout drops,whichever ones they are........and yesterday,he passed a comment about his shoes hurting his feet,so i said he should not be wearing shoes that hurt,his answer was,"i cant afford new shoes".........he has at least 12 other pairs of shoes that dont hurt.
i cant seem to help him,and he seems incapable of helping himself !
his diet is bad,,every week,cheesecake,jamtarts,choc biccy's..that i cant stop him from eating.
he is exhausted tired and very grumpy.........and i see the man i married,moving further and further away from me,as each week goes by.
sorry for the rant,but i have had a couple of very bad days with him,,and just need to get it off my chest on a forum where maybe somebody can understand.
thanks for listening      wifey (fed up,depressed,and about to reach for the wine bottle)


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## Northerner (Dec 13, 2013)

Hi wifey, welcome to the forum  Very sorry to hear about your husband, and the predicament you both find yourself in .

I would say that it is probable that his blood glucose levels are running high, probably most of the time - does he ever test? High levels will make a person moody, tired, lethargic, snappy etc. Prolonged high levels will also result in a person losing weight: his brain needs energy and it can't use the glucose in his blood, which will pass out in his urine, because he doesn't have sufficient insulin to allow this to happen. As a consequence it turns to burning body fat, and if there is little of that, then muscle tissue. Basically, you can waste away, and this will also be affecting his energy levels.

He needs to be able to see this and get the professional help he needs - and let you support him - to turn things around or things can only get worse I'm afraid. Nerve pain or numbness in his feet will lay him open to some serious problems unless he starts to take things seriously.

It's really a very difficult situation to be in, because the poor levels will be making it 10 times as hard for him to find the motivation. But he must do it, and want to do it! It's difficult at first, but once he starts to feel the benefit and stops feeling so awful he will realise just how much better life can be!

Diabetes is not just about sugar and sweets, it's about carbohydrates in general, since all carbs will raise blood glucose levels.


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## LeeLee (Dec 13, 2013)

Hello wifey, welcome to the forum.  I'll echo everything Northey said... and offer some extra sympathy.  I went through a very difficult time a few years ago - but my husband's poison of choice was alcohol rather than sugar.  The effects on personality sound quite similar to what you're describing.  Here's a big (((HUG))) to keep you going.


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## Pete H (Dec 13, 2013)

Hello wifey, I have been doing exactly the same as your husband, blaming everything and everyone bar myself, sticking my fingers up to diabetes saying I will eat what I like when I like, down sides then are feeling rough, dog tired, and no patients with myself let a loan other people, then think it was Sunday gone I thought I can not keep going on like this and who am I kidding....so as luck has it I found this forum and started reading,the guys on here have given me the inspiration to try and get back on track with eating, it's early days but my wake up sugar as come down from 12/14 to 7/8, now every time I feel like my sugar rush I think of some of the guys on here and don't feel like I am on my own. Hope your husband realises like myself that this has to be taken seriously, he is only hurting himself and the ones he loves. Hope things get better...


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## wifey (Dec 13, 2013)

hi all,thanks for your support,,i do feel i need it sometimes....he does test,but is crafty,and will only do it,when he has not had a lot of sugar/carbs !!
he has managed to get it down to 5/8......it was running at 18 for a while,yes 18   !
but he does not want to eat stuff he does not like,and prefers chocs,sweets,chips,pies....ect.
as i said previously,if he wont help himself,i feel powerless to help him.
i do think he has had it a long time,AND it has done a lot of damage,,digestion,burping,bloatedness,not sleeping,feet on the cold kitchen tiles at night to cool them down ect.
but these are only the things i see,,and as he is the type of man that cant open up,and discuss things,i am sure there is plenty more going on,that i dont see.
as an add on,i have found out his gt grandmother died young,from complications after amputations.........
thanks again


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## wifey (Dec 13, 2013)

in other words he is a naughty diabetic x


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## Cleo (Dec 13, 2013)

Hi wifey, welcome to the forum and sorry you had to find us ! 
There's not a lot that I can say, a lot of very good advice has already been shared in response to your post.  Know that you can always come here to ask questions and / or vent ! It's not an easy situation that you're in ..... 
Sending you lots of hugs xx


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## wifey (Dec 13, 2013)

thank you,just had a long conversation with my brother to whom i have never really told the extent of my worries to,,but spilled it all out tonight...tbf i have never opened up to anybody,i just keep making excuses for my hubby,but i feel i have gone past that,and need a bit of support for myself,,,he is a techo phobe,so does not do the internet,my son bought him a diabetic cookbook that he has never opened or read.
the thing is,he does not realise how miserable he is making me and my son feel,because of how he is,,i am sure he would feel a lot better watching what he is eating,and taking control.
one thing that does bother me is,he has seemed to have lost the power of reason,,and any conversation i have with him,just goes round in circles....at one time before he was diagnosed,both my son and i thought he had demetia,,as sometimes there is just no logic to things he says,BUT,can answer the most difficult question on quiz programmes.........none of this makes sense to me,and i worry for the future.
thank you all again for listening AND understanding
x


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## Brysie (Dec 17, 2013)

Hi wifey

If he won't use the internet would it work if you printed this string of posts out and gave it to him?

He needs to get real and see what is happening to him and  to you.

Sometimes I feel that every conversation with my diabetic wife can descend into an argument over the most trivial of things. I am nowhere near pain that you are in, but in a small way can understand where you are. 

Hang in there.

Brysie


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## cherrypie (Dec 18, 2013)

Hi,

 Reading your opening post on this thread makes me wonder if your husband is suffering from depression.  It is very common for chronic illnesses and depression to go hand in hand.  If  he is depressed then he needs professional help as telling people with depression what they should be doing to improve their life can be counterproductive for some and they just retreat further into their own sad world.  Admitting you are depressed is very hard for some people but left untreated, things will get worse.

I doubt very much that he would be happy to fill in this questionnaire which is a good indicator of how depressed a person is.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/goldberg.php

Could you see his G.P. and explain how things are?  I know there is a confidentiality issue but your Dr. may decide to ask him to come into the surgery or pay an unscheduled visit to your home.

This might help you understand what most diabetics go through when diagnosed.  It is a loss of how you were before diagnosis and things will never be the same again.  We grieve for our former life.  Some find it more traumatic than others.

The Five Stages of Grief - Diabetes explained.
http://www.diabetesexplained.com/the-five-stages-of-grief.html


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## zuludog (Dec 18, 2013)

Well, wifey, your husband's symptoms, attitude, and behaviour sound very much like the ones I had before I was diagnosed, but fortunately not as severe/extreme.
I could tell there was something wrong with me, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. Have you ever been doing the washing up and seen a cup about to fall on the floor, but somehow can't make yourself move fast enough to catch it? That's the sort of sensation I had; I suppose it's not wanting to accept really. Talking with other diabetics, that sort of feeling is fairly common. I'd hardly heard of the 5 stages as mentioned above, but they seem to fit me well enough, and certainly 1 & 2 fit your husband
Fortunately my wife and mother - in  - law bullied me into going to the doctor, for which I am eternally grateful. Yes, I was diagnosed with Type 2. My doctor said that sort of attitude is very common, especially in men. He also said that if you've got to have something incurable, be grateful it's diabetes, we can do more for that than anything else.

That was in 1998 when I was 48; my control and health are pretty good now, even though I say it myself, but you've got to keep on top of things all the time, which is not easy. I can still go backpacking and see well enough to make model planes, yet at my worst I was worried, nearly suicidal, and felt rotten. The problem with men is that unless we can see the blood on the floor we ignore things, and hope they'll go away; and when people try to help us, we turn our worry into anger

Most diabetics will quickly realise how to fiddle blood sugar tests; it will stop people nagging, but it won't stop you going blind. If you ever watch TV programmes about people who are obese, or addicted to booze or cigarettes, you see similar behaviour. They are treated by professionals so it is obviously very difficult for amateurs like you & I do achieve anything  

Your husband's physical symptoms are bad enough, it looks like they're fairly well advanced, and should have made most people seek help ages ago; but they can be treated, and probably halted once the diabetes is under control, and that's relatively straightforward. The hard part, as you may have gathered, is to change his attitude.
No - one really knows why, but depression is very common in people with diabetes,and it looks like your husband has that in a bad way too; in fact all of the stages above except, obviously, acceptance

So, obviously he needs to see a doctor, but God knows how you'll manage that. All I can suggest is

Get the rest of the family to gang up on him - literally if necessary; all agree to come round on the same afternoon or whenever
Start off softly with concern/ love for him, or that you are worried about him; a bit of nice, friendly persuasion or reasoning
Point out that he's not being fair on the rest of the family, that he is upsetting them, and that he would probably expect them to nurse him in the future for problems that could be avoided
Then go on to the nagging and bullying
Find someone, perhaps an old friend to tell him the same sorts of things, or "Haven't seen you for ages. God you look ill!" (but a bit more tactful!). People often take more notice of strangers, or someone who's not quite so close
Contact Diabetes UK They've probably seen this before, and may have a better idea of how to deal with it
See his doctor and explain the problem
See your own doctor and explain the problem; also mention your worry and concern, and that it is starting to make you feel ill and depressed
Point out that once his diabetes is under control, he'll feel so much better, and be able to do things he's had to give up

Well, that's been a bit rambling perhaps, but I hope you can find something useful in it.
Please let us know if you need any more help, or generally how you go on

Best Wishes     Zuludog


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## cakemaker (Dec 20, 2013)

Hello wifey,

I'm in a similar situation with my husband.
He was really horrible a couple of years ago then he was diagnosed as T2. In fact he was told 5 years before that he was borderline diabetic and did little to help himself. He doesn't do a lot about it now except to go to the doctor regularly and have regular blood tests. In two years the GP has doubled his Metformine dose but the diabetes is better controlled now. He still gets really grumpy on occasion but not quite so often so it's more or less tolerable. 
He still doesn't do any regular exercise but is always 'going to '! He said that he is definitely 'going to' after Xmas so we'll see. He also expects me to do all the cooking and shopping and control his diet which I think I do quite well especially after taking advice from this site BUT he still sneaks the odd choc bar or crisps and is putting weight on.

I think that my husband was depressed when he was first diagnosed. He had always been very active and we had just stopped working as well so he had no purpose and turned to the internet to keep him occupied. That is in itself is harming him as he sits all day rarely leaving it; even when he's eating!! I get fed up looking at the lid of a computer when we're eating. I used to comment about it but it would end in a row so I don't bother any more.

This hasn't given any advise but I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.


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## wifey (Dec 20, 2013)

helllo,,thanks for all your imput......last week i was very down with him,and how he was,,,but this week is much different,and although still quiet and a bit withdrawn,,he is not as grumpy !
this is how life is,at the moment,,swings from high to low,,and sometimes when things are normalish,as now,i think i have imagined the horrors of how it was before.
the more tired he is,the more grumpy he is,which i guess is all down to diet,,and that in turn leads to every conversation leading to an argument,as has been mentioned by a couple of posters.
the hospital have chased him up about the appointment with the dietician,so he has now had to make an appointment in january....so thats good news.
a couple of people have mentioned depression,i am not sure about that,but there is certainly a degree of anxiety,,he is in a poorly paid job,so money is usually an issue,but at the moment his job is under threat,,and i know he is worried about that,as finding a job,living in the "sticks" is quite difficult.
so all in all,,i am happier this week,than i was last,,,BUT,it will all probably change again shortly,i have come to expect the ups and downs.
one thing that does bother me,he says the burning in his feet at night,,now,sometimes travels up his legs,which must be a sign of deterioration.
thanks to everyone for reading,and answering,and helping, nice to be amongst understanding people.
merry christmas everyone ! x


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## zuludog (Dec 21, 2013)

Well; I don't want to worry you, but it doesn't look like I have much choice

I've just searched the Net for burning feet; burning sensation in feet; burning in feet and legs; and so on. This brings us to quite a few references and websites. Although they mention several possible causes, it's pretty obvious that the main cause is diabetes or diabetic neuropathy, which is damage to the nerves, caused by diabetes. Try searching yourself.

Besides the physical symptoms, diabetes affects you mentally, so it sounds like your husband has the same mixture of fear, worry, stubbornness, stress and depression that I had, but fortunately I managed to do something about it.

 I don't know what the next stages would be. I'm afraid I can't think of much else except that he really must see a doctor.

 Of course, you have the support and sympathy of all of us.
 Best Wishes and let us know how you go on     Zuludog


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## wifey (Dec 21, 2013)

hi all,,he has the burning feet for approx 25/30 years !!
he always blamed it on working (standing) on a wooden floor.
that has obviously got worse over the last 10 years.
a couple of months ago,he started getting numbness in his feet,as well as the burning,,so he mentioned it to the dn,who made him an appointment with the doc,,he explained to the doc about the numbness,who advised "double up on such a such tabs"........these are the ones he takes at night to stop the burning feet,and help him sleep...(supposedly) 

i personally think, right or wrong,that he has been diabetic all his life,and it has never been picked up on,,he was only diagnosed earlier this year,when he could not shake off the flu.

in consequence,it has already done a lot of damage, and when damage has been done,i guess there is not a lot they can do,to undo it ?
things still quiet and fairly relaxed at the moment....so happy with that.
thanks for all your concerns x


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## Pattidevans (Jan 4, 2014)

Sorry Wifey, what a worry for you.  I am just chipping in with a small comment, which is that the burning/numbness, if caused by diabetic neuropathy, which it certainly sounds like, can be helped no end if he can get his blood sugars under control.  I was able to completely reverse the problems in my legs and feet once I got mine under control.


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