# A silly little joke



## Mark Parrott (Sep 6, 2016)

Dog's can't operate an MRI machine. But catscan.


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## Stitch147 (Sep 6, 2016)

Oh dear!!!!  But I like that!


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

I keep getting told that my jokes are rubbish. Why the bloody cheek of it


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## TheClockworkDodo (Sep 6, 2016)




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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

There's a joke out there somewhere involving a labrador retriever and some sort of diagnostic test.  You'll have to make it up yourselves.


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## FergusC (Sep 6, 2016)

Was that the one where the guy goes to the vet's and says "my gerbil is sick" the vet examines it and says "It's cancer, best to euthanise the little chap"
The man says " are you sure I want a 2nd opinion!"
The vet says OK and a sad old labrador come up and sniffs the gerbil, looks up and shakes his head!
The vet injects the gerbil and says "That will be £120, £20 for the drugs, and £100 for the lab test!


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

FergusC said:


> Was that the one where the guy goes to the vet's and says "my gerbil is sick" the vet examines it and says "It's cancer, best to euthanise the little chap"
> The man says " are you sure I want a 2nd opinion!"
> The vet says OK and a sad old labrador come up and sniffs the gerbil, looks up and shakes his head!
> The vet injects the gerbil and says "That will be £120, £20 for the drugs, and £100 for the lab test!


That works for me Fergus!


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## HOBIE (Sep 6, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> I keep getting told that my jokes are rubbish. Why the bloody cheek of it


Not by me . I like a good joke


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## Contused (Sep 6, 2016)

And/Or…
…bearing in mind the exorbitant fees demanded by veterinary practices.


*Cat Scan and Lab Test*


A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650."

"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

Contused said:


> And/Or…
> …bearing in mind the exorbitant fees demanded by veterinary practices."


Now _that's _a well worked joke!


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

My brother bought a very large absolutely beautiful looking rottweiler puppy. He took it to the vet for it's first inoculations against distemper, hardpad and parvo. The vet said I'm very sorry but I have to put him down. My brother was distraught and shrieked ' Why?' The vet replied ' He's too heavy'


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

There's a theory about why people enjoy jokes like that one DL.  It's the Christmas cracker effect.  Most jokes divide an audience into those who find them funny and those who don't.  _Really _bad jokes unite an audience because they make everyone groan in unison.  Keep it up my lovely...you're delivering an extremely worthwhile public service.


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

I really cannot shake off this spooky sensation that I have just been rendered a new orifice but without anaesthetic. When the surgery is performed with such a delicate touch however, how can I complain? A bit like a Russian midwife really


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> I really cannot shake off this spooky sensation that I have just been rendered a new orifice but without anaesthetic. When the surgery is performed with such a delicate touch however, how can I complain? A bit like a Russian midwife really


You don't half make me laugh


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

Marsbartoastie said:


> You don't half make me laugh




You ain't no slouch yourself lady


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## TheClockworkDodo (Sep 6, 2016)

This is an old one which did the rounds a while back, so you may have seen it, but for those who haven't ...


How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

The dogs' answers:

  1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

  2. Border Collie: Just one.  And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

  3. Dachshound: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

  4. Rottweiler: Make me.

  5. Boxer: Who cares?  I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

  6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!!  Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I?................... Can I?  Huh?  Huh?  Huh?  Can I?  Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

  7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take  advantage of the situation.

  8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

  9. Old English Sheep Dog:  Light bulb?  I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it?  I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

 11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.  Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

 12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

 13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

 14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

 The cat's answer: 

Cats do not change light bulbs.  People change light bulbs.  So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?

Which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff!


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

Love it Juliet


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

May I order a No 6 please...a chocolate one?  I LOVE LABS!!!


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 6, 2016)

Oh dear oh my my toasted marshmallow you had better turn away. When my wife left she took my 2 cats with her. The river keeper on one of my pieces of water has labs and this little lady is now pregnant with pups. He has promised me a bitch  if I want one. How can I resist?














They are working dogs and require lots and lots of walking. As working dogs they grow up in the outdoors and I can bring one up where she belongs outdoors. My friend never lets  them in the house. I doubt though if I could be so hard and the dog will probable end up in my bed and me outside in the kennel.


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## TheClockworkDodo (Sep 6, 2016)

Aw, I am more of a cat person, but she is gorgeous


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 6, 2016)

I'm so excited for you  DL.  I can't think of anything more perfect than a labrador puppy.  When will she be coming home with you?  What are you going to call her?  I'm babbling...I bloomin' love 'em!


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 7, 2016)

My friend knows how much I love his dogs since I speak to them more than I speak to him every time we meet up. He knew I could never have one since I had 2 cats. With the break up of my marriage he made the offer as he is having his dog mated. I really, really want one but am unsure whether to get 2 more Maine Coon kittens instead. This photograph should serve to highlight my predicament. I do love cats and dogs with equal gusto.


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 7, 2016)

Cats are great, but dogs are best.  They're loyal, faithful, sympathetic, love you unconditionally, never question you or doubt you.. and simply want to be by your side and on your side.  It's a no-brainer!!!


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## FergusC (Sep 7, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> The river keeper on one of my pieces of water has labs and this little lady is now pregnant with pups.
> 
> .


At first read, I thought: who is pregnant? the Keeper or the lab?


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## TheClockworkDodo (Sep 7, 2016)

If they are brought up together and used to each others scent, you might be able to have both, DL (dog and cats, I mean, not keepers and labs).  They will eat you out of house and home, mind ...


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 7, 2016)

Maine Coon cats can be very expensive to feed. Particularly if you get 2 together. We fed ours on raw cat food from a company called Purrform. It is delivered in frozen pouches and just contains meat with zero additives.  We never, and I don't believe that my wife now will feed them on tinned rubbish or the pouches that a lot of supermarkets sell. These generally contain absolute garbage. As regards the labradors, my friend feeds his once per day only and they are extremely fit animals.  He was at a game fair last year and an individual took exception to his dogs saying that they had been mistreated as their ribs are clearly visible.  The lady concerned asked for my friends name and address which he provided her with and the next day he received a visit from an RSPCA Inspector who demanded to see his dogs. He took the inspector to a run in his back garden as they never go in his house and the dogs were curled up,in a corner looking very sorry for themselves. My friend unlocked the door on the run and the dogs came bounding forward full of life and full of love. My friend explains that healthy labradors should have visible ribs. The inspector agreed and walked out of his garden whistling away to himself.


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 7, 2016)

Left to their own devices I think labs would eat until they burst.  Someone explained to me that it's because once, many years ago, one of them missed a meal...so now they take no chances.  Your mate is absolutely right in feeding them once and that's it for the day.  There are few things that make me sadder than seeing a poor animal that's been overfed...there's no excuse for it.  They look like misery in a fur coat.


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## Ljc (Sep 7, 2016)

I'm sorry DL but their is no contest, I'd have to have both. 
One of our dogs a border collie took several kittens over the years under his wing lol, used to wash them, let them eat from his bowl and put up with all their antics


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 7, 2016)

Ljc said:


> I'm sorry DL but their is no contest, I'd have to have both.
> One of our dogs a border collie took several kittens over the years under his wing lol, used to wash them, let them eat from his bowl and put up with all their antics




Please don't do this to me. Resisting is difficult enough. On a couple of occasions over the last week I have almost succumbed and gone for 2 kittens and a puppy. The problem I have is I would probably lose my job after about 7 hours for keep sneaking home and making sure that they were all ok and weren't playing WWF King Of The Ring


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## Ljc (Sep 7, 2016)

. Ah well in that case a nice puddy cat would be best.  Mind you you'll probable be welcomed back home by that innocent butter wouldn't melt it is mouth ball of fluff mewing at you while  surrounded by that pile of curtains on your floor


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## robert@fm (Sep 7, 2016)

My mum once had four cats and a Shetland Sheepdog, who got on quite well together. Of course it helps that Shelties are the soppiest dog breed known.  When the Sheltie finally died of old age, she was replaced with a Rough Collie; by that time there were six cats.


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 7, 2016)

robert@fm said:


> My mum once had four cats and a Shetland Sheepdog, who got on quite well together. Of course it helps that Shelties are the soppiest dog breed known.  When the Sheltie finally died of old age, she was replaced with a Rough Collie; by that time there were six cats.




Robert behave will you. I am trying to be sensible Joe here for a change. The way I'm going however my house is gonna look like Wild Kingdom


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## mikeyB (Sep 8, 2016)

Diabeticliberty said:


> Robert behave will you. I am trying to be sensible Joe here for a change. The way I'm going however my house is gonna look like Wild Kingdom


Aye, what's left of it


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## Mark Parrott (Sep 13, 2016)

We have 7 cats & one is a maine coon who was born with 3 legs.  He is getting on a bit now & needs a bit of help getting on the sofa.  Though must admit, it's quite funny watching him fail.  Is that mean?


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## Marsbartoastie (Sep 13, 2016)

Mark Parrott said:


> We have 7 cats & one is a maine coon who was born with 3 legs.  He is getting on a bit now & needs a bit of help getting on the sofa.  Though must admit, it's quite funny watching him fail.  Is that mean?


It's a little bit mean, but I bet it's really funny.

The latest advice when dealing with old people is not to do things for them...even when they're strggling a bit. This works on the principle of ' use it or lose it'...especially where mobility is concerned.  I remind my mother of this when I'm sending her up ladders to clean out the guttering. 

Now that you know you're 'doing the right thing' you can laugh to your heart's content with a clear conscience.


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## Diabeticliberty (Sep 13, 2016)

Mark Parrott said:


> We have 7 cats & one is a maine coon who was born with 3 legs.  He is getting on a bit now & needs a bit of help getting on the sofa.  Though must admit, it's quite funny watching him fail.  Is that mean?




7 cats? Mark my good man you were already a pretty cool dude in my book with your 1001 recipes for camel loaf. You have however just elevated your coolness rating to supercool. 7 cats and one of them a Coon?  Get in


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