# can anyone help...?



## AnnW (May 1, 2011)

I wish someone could help me deal with my obnoxious step 'children' aged 19 and 24. The latter, a girl , lives with me and my husband of 3 years. I have had a terrible time with the younger of his 4 offspring. Today I mentioned to my husband that there was chewing gum on the back patio and could he mention it to them ( I am not allowed to 'criticise' them in any way) well, he did... the responses were violent, not us, we don't chew it, it's the neighbours' children, etc. My husband went out without telling me ( I was gardening) I came back to the house to get some gardening stuff I'd forgotten and they went for me ... screaming,shouting, insulting, telling me to shut up.......
I went off in the car. To cut a long story short, my husband believes that they don't eat it although there are packets all over the place ( they'll be put somewhere out of the way now ) and I am getting the silent treatment as I have said the wrong thing... again.

The stress is what my medics have told me to avoid.... how can I? They have told me that this aggro is possibly what triggered my D off. They don't care about it at all.
 I am so upset. I shall eat alone tonight (out)as I do so often, and he will chat merrily with his daughter as usual. 

What would you do??


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## SusieGriff (May 1, 2011)

Oh dear Ann, I do feel for you. perhaps a councilor might be able to help, at least you can talk to someone who knows how to handle this situation. Doesn't your husband back you up on any of this?  
It's always a hard task taking on step children, they are of the age now when perhaps they'll want to find thier own way soon. so something to look forward to, you won't have them in the house for too long, hopefully, not like they were toddlers.
Try to get someone talk to, professionally. I'm sure the dr surgery can advise you.

let us know how you get on, if you do.


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## AnnW (May 1, 2011)

My husband thinks the light shines out of their a... so no help there, he always sides with them, they can do no wrong. The 19 yr old has left home but has been here for a week and drops in ALL the time. daughter is not stupid , she has it too cushy here , she also has a boyfriend who is also here in her bedroom doing god knows what most evenings.

This has been going on for so long, it seems  inevitable. I should learn to keep my mouth shut at ALL times. I went to the doc when it first started happening and he put me onto some counselling but, not really any help I'm afraid. They are all so volatile and aggressive I wish my daughters were closer, we never argue, never had... I'm not used to it.


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## Catwoman76 (May 1, 2011)

AnnW said:


> I wish someone could help me deal with my obnoxious step 'children' aged 19 and 24. The latter, a girl , lives with me and my husband of 3 years. I have had a terrible time with the younger of his 4 offspring. Today I mentioned to my husband that there was chewing gum on the back patio and could he mention it to them ( I am not allowed to 'criticise' them in any way) well, he did... the responses were violent, not us, we don't chew it, it's the neighbours' children, etc. My husband went out without telling me ( I was gardening) I came back to the house to get some gardening stuff I'd forgotten and they went for me ... screaming,shouting, insulting, telling me to shut up.......
> I went off in the car. To cut a long story short, my husband believes that they don't eat it although there are packets all over the place ( they'll be put somewhere out of the way now ) and I am getting the silent treatment as I have said the wrong thing... again.
> 
> The stress is what my medics have told me to avoid.... how can I? They have told me that this aggro is possibly what triggered my D off. They don't care about it at all.
> ...



Oh Ann, what a predictament you are in.  To me, your husband sounds very defensive and you seem to be getting outed by them. Could you have a little chat with your husband, when things have calmed down and maybe have a family talk about the behavour or said children. 
Even though they are your step children and they are adults, it seems to be 'them' and you.  Have they suffered family turmoil in the past ( the mother possibly ) and they are angry inside.
Reall,y you are your husband should be together in this and maybe going off on your own is exactly what the children like you to do, to try and belittle you in some why. 
 You seem to me to be quite a stong lady and obviously very intelligent. It's support and love in a relationship, my dad's carer got married 3 years ago, she has a son and he has 2 sons.  One son is off the rails and doesn't live at home, the mother went off years ago and left the 2 boys so dad brought them up.  The husband wont have anything bad said about the oldest boy, but as a family they all get on well, especially the 2 younger boys, who go to the same school.

I hope you can sort this out Ann, it will take alot of tact, understanding and care, from both sides.  Good luck and take care Sheena


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## AnnW (May 1, 2011)

Thanks but I am so upset.... I'll try.


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## Steff (May 1, 2011)

Its so difficult we were brought up me,sis and bro with a step dad I was the youngest but got on well with him but my sis and bro took an instant dislike to him and tryed to cause all sorts of bother, unfortunetly it did not work and the eldest my brother was thrown out of home and my sister soon followed, in my case it ended badly though as my bro and sis's reservations were true as he turned out to be a nasty peice of work.BUT all I can say is your hubby must realise he needs to give a little and show you some support,he needs to show his kids that your also a big part of his life now and if nothing else this is hurting you so much and thats not nice with everything else you have to deal with.I would agree with others about some kind of family councelling it can work.x Good luck ((hugs))


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## Northerner (May 1, 2011)

I'm sorry they are behaving like this towards you Ann  They sound very immature and selfish I'm afraid. No words of wisdom I'm afraid as I have no real experience of this kind of thing. My own stepmother is a lovely person, and I hope that one day soon they realise that you are too, given that your husband chose to spend his life with you.


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## lucy123 (May 1, 2011)

As your husband seems to be at the centre of it all, is it possible for him to get you all together and sort it out - maybe he demands you all sit around the table and all have so long to have your say uninterrupted and then you must listen. Maybe at the end of it a compromise can be reached - there is obviously an issue that has arose between you and the step children (unless it has always been there) and I am sure your husband feels torn between you. Maybe suggest it to him as I am sure he would love to see you all getting on - maybe by actually talking to each other you will be able to see things from their side too and vice versa - so sorry you are feeling so upset.  

It seems to be crunch time to get this sorted I would say. 

All the best.


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## Catwoman76 (May 1, 2011)

AnnW said:


> Thanks but I am so upset.... I'll try.



I hope you get something sorted out soon Ann, please let us know what you decide to do and the outcome.  Things definately need to be aired.  Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.  Sheena x ps Keep your chin up


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## AnnW (May 1, 2011)

I wonder if pizza, wine and 2 Choc eggs will have helped ?!! I at least enjoyed them


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## AnnW (May 1, 2011)

My husband just clams up when there are any problems with his darlings. He will be speaking happily with her ( boy gone away again now) and ignoring me. I asked if I was to get the silent treatment for just mentioning chewing gum on the patio and he said he doesn't want to talk to me just now. This will last a couple of days as it usually does. I like my own company fortunately.

She is off work again tomorrow, she has so many days off I can't cope, so he will have a happy time with her no doubt. I am going out after my swim ... who knows where....


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## Blythespirit (May 1, 2011)

Anne, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad time with your step children. I don't have any experience myself of step families and I'm sure someone else will have better advice for you. But, it does seem from what you've posted that your husband is being very unfair to you. He chose to marry you therefore he has responsibilities towards you, not just to his children. Your happiness and position in the family are important and you shouldn't need to go out of the house all the time. Would it be posible for you to explain how you feel to him? If not, would he be agreeable to getting some form of councelling? At 24 the girl should be more adult than to behave in the way she is. I do hope things improve for you soon. Sending you hugs. XXXXX


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

A high reading is not good but it doesn't seem to matter too much . If no-one else cares a jot about my health I sort of feel I don't matter much anyway . Ah well , that's my life now .


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## Blythespirit (May 2, 2011)

Anne, you've got me almost on the point of tears now. You should not be feeling like that and your family should not be making you feel like that. It's not much comfort I know but you have friends on here who do care about your health and you do matter to us! I've not been here long but from reading your posts I think you are a lovely lady who needs a hug. XXXXX


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## caroleann (May 2, 2011)

Sorry you are having a bad time at the momment Anne,i don't know much about your situation but if it were me i would put a huge notice up saying if you can't treat me and my home with respect then please leave,perhaps putting in writing about how you feel and the way you are being treated ,give it to hubby to read.
I realy hope all works out for you.
carole


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## Jennywren (May 2, 2011)

Ann , so sorry you are having to put up with this at mo , but please dont let your health deterioate because of it  i can sympathise as my 18 year old son is giving us a real hard time at the moment ! Last night at bedtime he upset me ,my husband and my 13 year old son then we were all sat up late upset whilst he had gone to sleep , its just so unfair .I hope it will help you Ann to know that it seems to be something they go through at that sort of age its like im an adult now we can do as we want type of thing , its not you .Here if you need a chat or pm ~ Jenny


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## Robster65 (May 2, 2011)

It is a very unacceptable way for your husband and his children to behave. I don't have any answers, but wonder if your husband is how he is towards his children for fear that they will leave home and won't want to speak to him.
If you could persuade him that he is always their dad and may actually respect him more for standing up to them, he may find the courage to take your side. Especially if you can express to him how it makes you feel in the same way you have to us.

I hope you can resolve this amicably, but whatever happens, you need to keep your self-esteem intact before you are beaten down. They are bullying and being protected.

Rob


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

There is only the one left here with us now, 24 year old girl who has a job and a serious boyfriend. Why she wants to live here can only be explained by the fact that she has free food, meals prepared by her dad, no chores at all including stacking the dishwasher, hot water, shower gel, soap etc all provided. A lovely room with a double bed where she and her boyfriend can spend every evening... why should she move. 

When I came down here it was promised to me that when his youngest of his 4 children left ( the son... who has)  we would move to the country and she would be given marching orders. This won't now happen, she has told me she is never moving.

I am the lowest on the pecking order in this family. I wish I knew why he had married me, I wonder why I married him I have to say. I love him I suppose.  But self preservation comes in, I am getting too old to waste my life unhappily.

He has ignored me today so I shall go out for lunch and a walk in the park I think.


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## Catwoman76 (May 2, 2011)

AnnW said:


> There is only the one left here with us now, 24 year old girl who has a job and a serious boyfriend. Why she wants to live here can only be explained by the fact that she has free food, meals prepared by her dad, no chores at all including stacking the dishwasher, hot water, shower gel, soap etc all provided. A lovely room with a double bed where she and her boyfriend can spend every evening... why should she move.
> 
> When I came down here it was promised to me that when his youngest of his 4 children left ( the son... who has)  we would move to the country and she would be given marching orders. This won't now happen, she has told me she is never moving.
> 
> ...



Ann, please, please don't put up with this.  I would write a letter and post it to him.  Tell him this is the only thing you thought you could do, you must be honest but not aggressive, tell him how it is tearing you apart.  You may know what his reaction will be, maybe not, make him acknowledge his commitmnet to you, your marraige and the family life.  The way you are being treated is unacceptable, it's bullying and childish.
Ann, you hit the nail on the head when you said'I am getting too old to waste my life unhappily'.
I finished with Tia's dad years ago, we are very good friends now, his constant moanging, whinging, talking, was driving me insane, I couldn't wait for him to go back to his own home, I kept getting upset all the time, enough was enough, I was either going to murder him or end up put away somewhere.  He came over one morning and I told him it was over, his face was like thunder and he left, banged the door and didn't bother seeing Tia for ages.   It was only when I WROTE  a  letter from Tia to her daddy that he eventually came over.  It was very hard, but it worked.  Take care  and try and be strong.  Best wishes Sheena


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## ypauly (May 2, 2011)

AnnW said:


> There is only the one left here with us now, 24 year old girl who has a job and a serious boyfriend. Why she wants to live here can only be explained by the fact that she has free food, meals prepared by her dad, no chores at all including stacking the dishwasher, hot water, shower gel, soap etc all provided. A lovely room with a double bed where she and her boyfriend can spend every evening... why should she move.
> 
> When I came down here it was promised to me that when his youngest of his 4 children left ( the son... who has)  we would move to the country and she would be given marching orders. This won't now happen, she has told me she is never moving.
> 
> ...


My advice would be, just carry on being the happy supportive doting wife so that you are not seen as the bad one. Then flirt like hell with the boyfriend, she will soon leave lol

Seriously though, whatever you do will be wrong I just hope it all end well for you.


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

First problem, I can't stand the boyfriend either  he is very loud, arrogant and he shouts at her so loudly and so often that if she was my daughter I would say something. The police were called one night by neighbours because there was such a shouting match going on outside so.... !!!!! I know you weren't serious but it would have been fun otherwise !!

My husband has been to the pub about 3 times before 4pm , so not good there either. 

I am at a loss . You know the trouble is I am fairly happy being ignored, at least it is peaceful.  

This has happened so many times over the past 5 years with one or other of the younger 'children' They are better together though, they shout so well at me and hurl insults with such perfection. 

My previous marriage was so peaceful ( until right near the end) , we never argued, ever. My daughters and I have never fallen out, they are wonderful ... I am just not used to this world war 3 stuff.

Anyway, I am in the bedroom as usual, watching tv again for the evening, and reading I guess.

Thanks for all your support, I start thinking it is all my fault.


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## Steff (May 2, 2011)

Harsh as it may sound life is too short to be this unhappy, if the kids are ruining  it enough for your life to be so miserable then why should you stick around,if you have a mate near by then maybe go and stay there if thats possible, by packing your bags he may then realise things really are that bad for you and he needs to buck up his ideas.


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

Good thinking .At 66 it's not quite that easy and I lived in Manchester for the first 62 so the few friends that have kept in touch are so far away.


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## SusieGriff (May 2, 2011)

66 is no age..... don't let it stop you enjoying the rest of your life.  I agree with steffie, If it were me, I'd go. sorry Ann, but I would. It'll shake or break.... Shake, hopefully, but whatever the outcome, you have the right not to be used and abused like you are at present.  You !!! YOU are important and have the right to a peaceful and enjoyable life!


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## Northerner (May 2, 2011)

Ann, this is NOT your fault! Maybe the daughter is so nasty because her boyfriend is so nasty to her? Some people just live their lives like that  I'm with you, I much prefer peace and quiet. Try not to let them see that they are hurting you, not easy I'm sure, but perhaps they'll get bored if you just turn away whenever they get abusive. I wonder if you could record them in some way, so your husband couldn't deny that his little angels perhaps got too much of their own way in their younger years.


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## RachelT (May 2, 2011)

As an unattached (and never likely to be attached ) female and daughter of a happy family (who do do my head in occassionally it has to be said, but blimey, i'd never expect anybody in it it behave like your step-kids and husband...sorry) i really don't feel qualified to give out advice. But i agree with Steffie, take a holiday, just a short break maybe, but don't tell them about it, or don't tell them till it's too late for them to stop you, you might at least enjoy yourself for a bit and relax for a bit. If they all go balistic when you get back, a) express supprise that they've noticed, b) congratulate them on managing to survive without you and c) explain that you need to get away from them for your health and they can expect a few more "little trips" if they don't start paying you a little respect.
It's your health, if you don't take care of yourself, they don't seem like they're going to bother and if you're in hospital, then they'll have to look after themselves.
You could also try not doing the cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing for anybody other than yourself, unless they offer to help out or stop sponging/moaning. If they feel they can all live under the same roof as you and not have a "relationship" with you, well, you can do the same. You're the mother, not the housekeeper!

Rachel


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## Pumper_Sue (May 2, 2011)

Hi Ann, 
so sorry to hear of your problems  Is there anyway you can go and stay with your daughter for a couple of weeks?
There is no way on earth anyone should have to put up with what you are going through 
Sending you a virtual hug ((((((((hug)))))))))))


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

The trouble is she loves me going away - has her daddy to herself. I have no idea what goes on in his head though , no idea at all. I'm working on finding a small hotel near a station ( I won't have the car) and disappearing for a couple of days . That could be good. 

Thanks everyone


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## AnnW (May 2, 2011)

My daughter is a possibility but she has a new partner and I'd hate to get in the way .


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## lucy123 (May 2, 2011)

I am sure under the circumstances Ann your daughter would love to see you - and it does sound like you really could do with some time with her too - maybe a long chat with her will help you see how to handle the future. 

A trip away sounds a good idea no matter where you go.


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## Pumper_Sue (May 2, 2011)

AnnW said:


> My daughter is a possibility but she has a new partner and I'd hate to get in the way .



Ann,
I would move heaven and earth to help my Mum, no matter what. As I'm sure your daughter will as well.


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## Northerner (May 2, 2011)

If you do go away Ann, please make sure to see someone you know and trust - don't be alone with your thoughts, you need someone who will support you and restore your strength and self-esteem. Perhaps you could stay in a hotel, but near friends or family so you could have a good heart-to-heart


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## lucy123 (May 2, 2011)

Good advice there as usual Alan - well said.


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## Robster65 (May 2, 2011)

Hope you can find a resolution, Ann, for your own peace of mind. You'll be surprised how strong you can be when the need arises, no matter what age.

Good luck. And make sure you have a means of logging onto the forum !

Rob


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## Blythespirit (May 2, 2011)

Anne, what a very brave lady you are. I hope you can see by the replies you've had so far that you have many friends here who care about you. You've had some good advice too. What you are experiencing is mental and verbal abuse....sorry to be so harsh but it's true. About 18 months ago we had to help our eldest daughter escape from her abusive husband. It was heartbreaking to see someone we love so much go through such a difficult time. It caused us a bit of an overcrowding issue to have her and my grandson staying here til she found a place of her own. But we did it willingly and I'm sure your daughter would do it willingly for you. 

Good luck whatever you decide to do. My thoughts are with you. As has been said please make sure you have some support and that you have access to the internet so you can check in with us. XXXXX


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## lucy123 (May 3, 2011)

Hi Ann,

Just wanted to say hope you are feeling a little better and are getting some rest. Let us know how you are.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

After a great deal of effort I went to my orchestra rehearsal last night . I didn't really feel like going but it was good - I even laughed a bit. Back to the house of misery though. Off to swim now , I think a lot while I swim . 
Not sure what to do then , probably go to my nearest Starbucks and read ! 
No better but no worse I guess. 
It was nice to talk to someone last night , and receive some smiles .


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## rachelha (May 4, 2011)

I find going to my orchestra like that too, sometimes it isva huge effort to get there but then once there it is good to concentrate on the music and forget about everything else for a couple of hours, with a group of like minded people.


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## margie (May 4, 2011)

Sorry that you're having to put up with this - it almost feels as if you don't feel welcome in your own home. 

Would your OH consider going to counselling with you - or is he the type that would run a mile. I was  just thinking that with an impartial person present you might be able to get your point across better. 

Hope you have a better day today.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

Thanks marge , I think they all think I am the problem so I don't think he would do counselling . He wouldn't cone on the Desmond course with me .

Rachel - what do you play ? And who with ?


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## AlisonM (May 4, 2011)

It sounds to me that getting away might be a very good idea, it would allow you to look coldly and objectively at your situation without the pressure of the household getting to you. You'd be able to clear your head and decide what's best for you. If that is to stay in the relationship then you need to be able to work out what you want to change and how to broach the subject with your husband calmly. Is there any chance that, when you're ready, the two of you could get away for a day or so and talk in private? Have you thought of talking to Relate on your own, they may have practical advice on what you can do?

And finally, one hard question: Is the relationship worth saving? Once you have the answer to that, you'll know what to do.

In the meantime, go to your daughter for a few days. Take a breather and time to think.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

I had a rude text demanding the car back today when I was out. I had written on the calendar that I was using it but apparently he and his daughter have absolute priority

As to whether the relationship is worth saving....... don't know. I don't even like him at the moment

I have moved into the spare room.

I am so , so fed up.


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## AlisonM (May 4, 2011)

Suffer a breakdown! The car I mean, pull a spark plug loose or something.


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## Northerner (May 4, 2011)

Oh Ann, I do feel for you {{{Ann}}} A person shouldn't ever be made to feel so unhappy by another who professes to care from them, it is so selfish and more hurtful because it really ought to be the opposite of that. You would certainly benefit from some time away from the tensions and upsets.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

Oh how tempting is that !!!!!!!!!!


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## Robster65 (May 4, 2011)

Really sorry Ann. From what you've said, it sounds like an abusive relationship, whether intentional or not.

Be careful to protect yourself, emotionally, financially, etc.

Rob


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## Mark T (May 4, 2011)

AnnW said:


> Oh how tempting is that !!!!!!!!!!


Although I'm not one to suggest this course of action, I am a person who likes to plan and understand where I stand with things.

But if you did separate, how messy is the ownership of things - the house the car, the bank accounts? do you have your own means?*

Personally I'd be tempted to invest in a nice day trip for them somewhere and have all the locks replaced whilst they are gone.  But that's difficult to do if you don't at least partially own the house (the daughter by the way has no right of residence if she isn't contributing financially).

*I should note; I would hope that somebody would come slap me round the chops into some sort of sensibility if I ever became this sort of a s*** to my wife.


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## AlisonM (May 4, 2011)

Robster65 said:


> Really sorry Ann. From what you've said, it sounds like an abusive relationship, whether intentional or not.
> 
> Be careful to protect yourself, emotionally, financially, etc.
> 
> Rob



That's the worst and most insidious thing about emotional abuse, the bruises don't show, but it's every bit as soul destroying as any other form of abuse. You'd doubt your own sanity before those of the abusers, "Am I imagining this?" is a common question in such cases. The answer, is no you're not imagining it, from what I've read in here it's real and it's nasty and it *must stop*.

Put yourself first Ann.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

It is , as he tells me all the time.. HIS house, HIS car . But I have kept our bank accounts separate... thank god. I don't have much, a retirement pension and a teacher pension. I think I could just about afford a very very small flat but at least I wouldn't have HER living with me. I don't really care if I have him either to be honest.

I am just thinking about it all. He has gone for a drive with his precious daughter ... she works full time but has been off for more days than she has worked this last month. She is off tomorrow as well and going to see the great god eldest brother with her youngest brother ... no doubt, like the Midwich cuckoos , they'll be plotting my downfall.

You know , I don't deserve this.  I am not arrogant, I am not sure I am all that nice ( my daughters, especially my elder one think I am ) but I don't deserve this.


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## Natalie123 (May 4, 2011)

Ann, I am have been away for a while and have just read through your post which nearly made me cry. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It sounds like you need to get out of there, your husband and children are abusive and sound like they don't care. In fact, I don't like to think of what I would do to them for making you feel like this about yourself. You are wonderful and caring, you always have kind things to say to others on here. Your daughter loves and cares about you and I'm sure she will be happy to let you stay with her. I know I would do anything to help my Mum, her partner will understand too. Please take a break for a few days and explain things to your daughter or friends like you have on here - maybe get her to read this thread if you don't want to go through it all again. 

Please remember that you deserve much much more than this, don't let anyone convince you otherwise. 

If there is anything else I can do to help or you want anyone to talk to, I am always around on here and I'm sure others on here are too. Lots of hugs xxxxxxxxxxx


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## Ikey the tinker (May 4, 2011)

Tell him to back you or you leave. They are pushing you around and you don't deserve it. Simplistic, I know, but these people have to learn to respect you - otherwise you are better off out of it.


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## Mark T (May 4, 2011)

AnnW said:


> It is , as he tells me all the time.. HIS house, HIS car...


That's what he will want you to think.  I'd recommend talking to someone in CAB about your rights.  If you have been contributing to the household in any financial way - whether that is contributing to the mortgage, paying the bills or buying the food then you have a right to some proportion of those assets.

You could always put the house on the market anyway   I mean he did promise to sell it and move to the country.


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

Thanks, I wish I had REAL friends like you lot. I only moved down here from Manchester just under 5 years ago and although I have a ot of facebook friends and lots at swimming and my orchestra they don't seem to want to meet up. I am probably so depressing at the moment. 
I don't mind my own company , fortunately, and can occupy myself but it shouldn't be like this should it? 

Thanks all of you, you are really so kind. I don't think this is doing my D much good either, one medic said the stress of my stepchildren quite probably sparked it all off.
I am eating out a lot too which is expensive and also not always that good for me.

They certainly don't care though !


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## Northerner (May 4, 2011)

It's a shame you couldn't make it to the recent London Meet Ann, you would have enjoyed it, I'm sure!  Always better when you can put faces to names


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## margie (May 4, 2011)

Hi Ann - its fairly common when people are depressed for them to feel that they are horrible or deserve what is happening to them. Its part of the illness - try reminding yourself of that.

As for home-life - think what you would tell your best friend if she was in your position, that may help you see the wood for the trees. 

{{{hugs}}}


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## Blythespirit (May 4, 2011)

I would go further than that Ann. You asked at the outset of this thread if anyone can help. Read through it again and you'll see that not one person has said you deserve the treatment you're getting, or told you to shut up and put up. Every single one of us is on your side and if you realise that you'll see you have your answer. XXXXX


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## everydayupsanddowns (May 4, 2011)

Won't offer any advice Anw, but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope you manage to work things out to improve things for you.

M


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## Jennywren (May 4, 2011)

Thinking of you Ann x


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## lucy123 (May 4, 2011)

Hi Ann - have you tried the old pen and paper - positives and negatives about staying that should help you see an answer. 

Only you will know if staying is right for you.

If I remember you haven't been married that long have you? It might be worth jotting down what you liked about things when you got married and what you don't like now too - an answer to what needs to change may fall out of it.

Take care of yourself and no it isn't right to have to segregate yourself and lock yourself away. Its also not right to not have anyone to speak to.

Could you send an email to your daughter explaining everything and then give her a quick call to ask her to read it - it may be easier than making that call and having to say everything out loud - I do feel your daughter should be aware though. 

Maybe your husband thinks you have no one to turn to and will think again if you say you are visiting your daughter for a while.   Could your daughter visit you maybe?


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

I contacted my elder daughter and strangely got a text out of the blue from my younger one asking to see me on Sat.
When I told them both , they asked me to stay for a few days. I am going to stay with my younger daughter this time as my elder one had made arrangements she was going to break for me. I will be in Tumbridge Wells from tomorrow night until Mon.  

It has cheered me so much that they both ( and my younger one's new husband) so quickly offered me a room. 

I shall tell my husband I am going away until Monday but won't say where. I may just leave him a note as he still isn't speaking to me.

I am not taking the car of course as I am not allowed to use it now.

Thanks to all of you on here, and the several who have pm'd me.

Thanks XXX

Still a lot of thinking to do.


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## Northerner (May 4, 2011)

Ah, I'm pleased to hear that Ann  I'm sure it will do you the world of good to be with people you know love you


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## Natalie123 (May 4, 2011)

Thats good  I'm please to hear that you will be able to talk to people who love you. I hope you have a lovely break. Lots of hugs xxx


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

Thanks . As my daughter said , come on Mum, it'll be fun . I guess it will - I remember that - fun


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## Northerner (May 4, 2011)

Hi Ann, I have moved the thread so people don't open it thinking it is about your diabetes


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## Blythespirit (May 4, 2011)

Hurrah! And well done to both your daughters. See, how can you be a bad person if you raised two such lovely girls? Have a lovely time and take care. XXXXX


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## margie (May 4, 2011)

Hope you have a lovely break with your daughter. Your girls both obviously love and care for you.


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## Robster65 (May 4, 2011)

Well done Ann for being so strong through all of this and I'm sure you'll notice how much more relaxed you'll feel. It'll make thinking a lot easier.

Enjoy your break and we'll all be thinking of you and hoping you find a way forward. 

Rob


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## AnnW (May 4, 2011)

Thanks all of you


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## KateR (May 4, 2011)

Have a great weekend in my old home town! I hope you will be able to see the way to the future.


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## Caroline (May 5, 2011)

Ann, you are in the same position as my friend. her husband is very defensive f his children and they con do no wrong. She is expected to run round after his children and dismisses hers like they are something you pick up on your shoe in the street to the point where they wont visit her at home, she has to go someplace neutral to see them.


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## lucy123 (May 5, 2011)

Ann- so pleased and how lovely your daughters jumped in straight away - that really shows they care about you. 

I certainly wouldn't tell your husband where you are going - and why can't you have the car? Is it not yours too? You will have a phone he can contact you on if he really is worried. To be honest I don't think I would tell him you are going to Monday - let him worry a little!

The important thing though is that you are going somewhere safe and where you will be loved and probably pampered for a few days to give you time to get your thoughts together.


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## AnnW (May 5, 2011)

Caroline, that is exactly it. My husband is ok with my daughters but never asks about them and I doubt he has their phone numbers. I am expected to do everything for his daughter and sons... I should have seen the writing on the wall when , in the early days I was vaccuuming upstairs and a voice came from his daughter's room 'Will you do mine while you are up here?' You can imagine my reply... I wanted to say 'Do your own f****** room ' but I said 'I'll leave the cleaner outside your room , use it if you wish'

His 'children' can do no wrong and are always in the right. Weak I call it. He says I am the same about mine... not true, I know their faults , (and mine) and love them anyway


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## AlisonM (May 5, 2011)

I'm so lucky, my OH is a complete dote and his nephew for whom he is now responsible is a lovely boy. We all get on really well so that the only cloud on my horizon is my useless brother and even he's toeing the line since the 1.5 incident. My now late and unlamented ex however, spent the last few years of our marriage trying to undermine me, constantly sniping and criticising and making snide comments about me to friends and family. I told him to shape up or ship out in the end and he shipped. 

Such things are very insidious and often creep up on you without you realising just how bad it's got till the day you find yourself hiding in your room afraid to go near him or speak to him, because of what he 'might' say, desperate to avoid yet another fight. When it gets to that stage, it's time to leave.


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## AnnW (May 5, 2011)

Food for thought indeed.


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## Natalie123 (May 9, 2011)

Hi Ann,

How are things going now? I was thinking about you and thought I'd see how you were feeling, I hope you don't mind! I hope you had some good time away over the weekend xx Hugs, Nat


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## Twitchy (May 10, 2011)

Hi Ann,

I haven't been on much recently so only just saw this - I really hope you've had a lovely weekend away & it's helped you decided what you want to do. It sounds like an intolerable situation at home - you don't deserve to be treated like this, it's abuse plain & simple & it's not on. I really hope things work out well for you, best of luck with whatever you decide to do - just remember you are a precious person & deserve to be treated with respect & dignity.

Twitchy xxx


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## AnnW (May 16, 2011)

Thank you everyone, things much better at the moment between my oh and me. Still no communication with step daughter but I don't really care. My elder daughter I know thinks I should have left but it 's not easy.
I am hoping all will remain good. No talking things through but he doesn't do that. He bought me an iPad  his way of saying he wants me I know. So, fingers crossed. Thank you all so much for your concern, pms and messages on here. It has meant a great deal xx


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## Steff (May 16, 2011)

AnnW said:


> Thank you everyone, things much better at the moment between my oh and me. Still no communication with step daughter but I don't really care. My elder daughter I know thinks I should have left but it 's not easy.
> I am hoping all will remain good. No talking things through but he doesn't do that. He bought me an iPad  his way of saying he wants me I know. So, fingers crossed. Thank you all so much for your concern, pms and messages on here. It has meant a great deal xx



Hi Ann lovely to hear from you hun pleased theres been improvement with you and your other half x


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## Northerner (May 17, 2011)

AnnW said:


> Thank you everyone, things much better at the moment between my oh and me. Still no communication with step daughter but I don't really care. My elder daughter I know thinks I should have left but it 's not easy.
> I am hoping all will remain good. No talking things through but he doesn't do that. He bought me an iPad  his way of saying he wants me I know. So, fingers crossed. Thank you all so much for your concern, pms and messages on here. It has meant a great deal xx



I am pleased to hear this Ann  You deserve happiness - accept nothing less!


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## Natalie123 (May 17, 2011)

Pleased to hear that things have improved Ann. I wish you much happiness xx


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## Caroline (May 17, 2011)

My friend is trying to get rid of her hubby too, but she is not finding it very easy. Although the rented house is in her name (she had it before all the children left home), all the new furniture is his...


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## novorapidboi26 (May 17, 2011)

Sad times..........

I hope everything work out and get sorted soon........

On a happier note, I am to be wed in July, where I will live happily ever after..........


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## Catwoman76 (May 17, 2011)

novorapidboi26 said:


> Sad times..........
> 
> I hope everything work out and get sorted soon........
> 
> On a happier note, I am to be wed in July, where I will live happily ever after..........



That's wonderful news, I'm sure you will  Sheena


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## Pumper_Sue (May 17, 2011)

Hi Ann,
glad to hear things are better for you. Long may this continue.


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