# LOSING TOUCH WITH REALITY



## Wirrallass (Mar 21, 2017)

Several years ago I suffered a mental breakdown brought on by continuous abuse and was hospitalised for just over four weeks. At that time mental health wasn't talked about very much ~ psychiatric illness was a myth ~ unkind prople would say *sufferers were gone with the fairies ~ not something to talk about. Not every sufferer was given the medical help they needed. However, I did receive excellent care in hospital and post discharge tho I felt that no matter how much counselling I had, the awful memories never truly disappeared far from my mind ~ and still to this day it doesn't take much for them to be resurrected. As I was slowly recovering I wrote this poem:~

LOSING TOUCH WITH REALITY

Some of us have been there at some point in our life
When we trod the long dark tunnel, when there was nothing but strife.
We know about the loneliness with absolute isolation
And the explosive headaches and despairing desolation.
We endured the empty stomach as we could not eat our food
For fear it was poisoned ~ we dreaded this meal time mood.
We've been stricken with panic with heart palpitations
And some of us have experienced tormenting hallucinations.
Things became distorted when others acted strange
And we could not utter words 'cause we felt so derranged.
Remember when we could not sleep exhausted tho we were
And our eyelids would not close for fear of dying ~ we said *our prayers.
The cowering in the corner ~ afraid to move about
Because 'they' were watching ~ we were so full of doubt.
Searching for the answers in the midst of depression
With mixed emotions of fear and of aggression.
But we could not find them in that black bottomless pit
Where there seemed no escape and when we felt hardest hit.
Feeling like a time bomb ready to explode
The loss of our identity, uncomfortable in our abode.
Then came the time we felt insane
And suffering from delusions ~ it was too late to grasp the line.
Our minds were in confusion.
The 'conspiracy' against us was increasing day by day.
Our allies became our enemies ~ we found we'd lost our way.
Walking the tight rope with body shaking
Suffering the abuse to the point of breaking.
Not able to confide or trust ~ vanished was self respect
The constant foot tapping on the floor ~ responsibilities we did neglect.
The pain and sometimes guilt and the never ending tears
Our minds absorbing only hurt listening to the constant jeers.
The feeling of a shadow ~ insecurity and suspicion
Was life worth living? This was the big decision.
How close we came to losing it ~ loved ones still don't know now
But something beyond restrained us from taking that final bow.
Then suddenly we saw a light although it still seemed dim
But as we ventured forward ~ we fought and didn't give in.
Then the days became much brighter ~ the dark cloud we dispersed with
And gradually we realised that we did have reasons to live.
From then we took one step at a time to return to normality
And with our hearts much lighter now ~ life once more became reality.
JER

* edited to add ~ & amend spelling.

WL


----------



## Amigo (Mar 21, 2017)

A courageous and poignant account of this terrible illness wirralass which I'm glad you've managed to conquer.


----------



## Steff (Mar 21, 2017)

A very touching poem WL feelings felt by many on this forum at some time while going through depression. It's lovely seeing this an obvious talent you have there x


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 22, 2017)

Amigo said:


> A courageous and poignant account of this terrible illness wirralass which I'm glad you've managed to conquer.


Thank you Amigo. Mental illness is a terrible illness and too many people wrongly think by telling the sufferer to 'Pull yourself together' is the right advice - it doesn't work that way. 'IT' is never goes away tho and lurks in the shadows ready to pounce at any one time. For me its a daily battle to fend off the illness x


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 22, 2017)

Steff said:


> A very touching poem WL feelings felt by many on this forum at some time while going through depression. It's lovely seeing this an obvious talent you have there x


Thank you Steff - it wasn't easy writing it at the time x


----------



## Steff (Mar 22, 2017)

Gosh I can imagine it wasn't hun.


----------



## KookyCat (Mar 22, 2017)

Very eloquent Wirralass, and very moving.  We're not tremendously good at mental health in the UK in my experience, we don't really understand it, perhaps it's all that stiff upper lip business .  I used to work for an organisation who provided information, advice and counselling and a few of those services were mental health based and I could have wept seeing the advice they were given sometimes, and that's when they could get access to advice at all.  It was very brave of you to post it and thank you for sharing


----------



## Manda1 (Mar 22, 2017)

Thank you for sharing that with us not easy to do. I too turn to poetry when I am in a dark place although I am not brave enough to share ...xxx


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 25, 2017)

KookyCat said:


> Very eloquent Wirralass, and very moving.  We're not tremendously good at mental health in the UK in my experience, we don't really understand it, perhaps it's all that stiff upper lip business .  I used to work for an organisation who provided information, advice and counselling and a few of those services were mental health based and I could have wept seeing the advice they were given sometimes, and that's when they could get access to advice at all.  It was very brave of you to post it and thank you for sharing


Unfortunately there is a stigma attached to mental health for some reason - I've heard people use the phrase "Funny farm" referring to someone they know who has been admitted to a Psychiatric hospital - so unkind - but they're ignorant as to mental health which needs to be brought to the forefront to educate jo public.


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 25, 2017)

Amigo said:


> A courageous and poignant account of this terrible illness wirralass which I'm glad you've managed to conquer.


@Amigo Thank you


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 25, 2017)

KookyCat said:


> Very eloquent Wirralass, and very moving.  We're not tremendously good at mental health in the UK in my experience, we don't really understand it, perhaps it's all that stiff upper lip business .  I used to work for an organisation who provided information, advice and counselling and a few of those services were mental health based and I could have wept seeing the advice they were given sometimes, and that's when they could get access to advice at all.  It was very brave of you to post it and thank you for sharing


Thank you KookyCat


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 25, 2017)

Manda1 said:


> Thank you for sharing that with us not easy to do. I too turn to poetry when I am in a dark place although I am not brave enough to share ...xxx


@Thank you Manda1


----------



## Ditto (Mar 25, 2017)

(((HUGS))) Excellent poem. We're very embarrassed by mental health issues. We don't want to know basically. The black dog is the very devil.


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 25, 2017)

Ditto said:


> (((HUGS))) Excellent poem. We're very embarrassed by mental health issues. We don't want to know basically. The black dog is the very devil.


Thank you Ditto - never a truer word spoken x


----------



## Lucy Honeychurch (Mar 26, 2017)

Sadly you're right,mental health is still a stigma, even though there is lots of knowledge, theories, research about it.


----------



## sean penguin (Mar 26, 2017)

too right


----------



## Ingressus (Mar 29, 2017)

I liked it and could relate to it think we have all been there


----------



## Nomad (Mar 30, 2017)

Nice poem Wirrallass, I am suffering depression at the moment, wish I could be as positive.


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 31, 2017)

Nomad said:


> Nice poem Wirrallass, I am suffering depression at the moment, wish I could be as positive.


Hi Nomad and thank you. I'm truly sorry to hear you suffer with depression - it's a pain isn't it 

May I ask how long you have suffered with depression and are you taking medication for it - depression is a serious condition which shouldn't be ignored - it affects how you feel & think about things - it is *not* a sign of personal weakness or failure  - and the best thing is, it can be treated - you cannot simply 'Pull yourself together'

If you are struggling with your depression, a visit to your GP or your health care team wouldn't go amiss - they will listen to you and together you can work out what is the best way forward for *you.
*
The link between *diabetes* ànd *depression* is well known - *depression *is very *different* from *feelings *of *being fed up or sad.*

Diabetes UK Careline can provide confidential support and information. The team are trained Counsellors and can give you the time you need to talk things through

To speak with a Counsellor call: 0345 123  2399  - 9am - 7pm Monday - Friday.
or email: careline@diabetes.org.uk.

There is also a helpline called *Mind *which you might find useful:-

mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines

Tel: 0300 123 3393 Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (except bank holidays) (Does this mean we can't suffer depression on bank holidays?)
OR 
Text: 86463

Don't forget we are all here to help, guide & support you - anytime - so don't feel afraid in coming forward to ask questions. 
Take care & look after yourself Nomad - try to keep your chin up (If you can)


Dx Type 2 April 2016
Metformin withdrawn
Diet control and exercise only


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 31, 2017)

Manda1 said:


> Thank you for sharing that with us not easy to do. I too turn to poetry when I am in a dark place although I am not brave enough to share ...xxx


Hi Manda I have never shared my poem with anyone til now - not even to my own family - but i was picking up signals & vibes on here so I thought I would post it - little realising the effect it would have - I actually felt better, would you believe it for sharing it with people I have come to know on the forum. I was thinking that the next time you put pen to paper  - why not show your poem/s to your family or close friends  - you may very well feel a weight is lfted from your shoulders


----------



## Manda1 (Mar 31, 2017)

Let me tell you at this time in my life I could do with a weight being lifted ... Not feeling it at the moment to be honest ....


----------



## Northerner (Mar 31, 2017)

Manda1 said:


> Let me tell you at this time in my life I could do with a weight being lifted ... Not feeling it at the moment to be honest ....


If we can help lighten your load in any way, Manda, just let us know  {{{HUGS}}}


----------



## gail1 (Apr 3, 2017)

good verse I agree theres to much stigture around mental health


----------



## Grannylorraine (Apr 4, 2017)

lovely poem.  I suffer with depression,  am currently trying to cut down my meds with the help of my doctor.  It is going to be a long process as only reducing medication slowly every three months.


----------



## Wirrallass (Apr 8, 2017)

Grannylorraine said:


> lovely poem.  I suffer with depression,  am currently trying to cut down my meds with the help of my doctor.  It is going to be a long process as only reducing medication slowly every three months.


It looks like you have a doctor whom you can trust to gradually wean you off the antidepressants slowly but surely - I truly hope this works for you as this means - like diabetes - you can manage your episodes of depression without the need of medication - I wish you good luck in your endeavour Lorraine x


----------



## Grannylorraine (Apr 8, 2017)

wirralass said:


> It looks like you have a doctor whom you can trust to gradually wean you off the antidepressants slowly but surely - I truly hope this works for you as this means - like diabetes - you can manage your episodes of depression without the need of medication - I wish you good luck in your endeavour Lorraine x


Thank you,  Hope you are feeling ok after your op.


----------



## Wirrallass (Apr 12, 2017)

Grannylorraine said:


> Thank you,  Hope you are feeling ok after your op.


Thank you Lorraine - getting there slowly  - one day at a time x


----------



## Wirrallass (Jan 11, 2018)

Manda1 said:


> Let me tell you at this time in my life I could do with a weight being lifted ... Not feeling it at the moment to be honest ....


If you are reading this Amanda I hope you are in a better place now than you were when you last posted here. I often think of you & wonder how life is treating you these days and hope you are well. If you feel up to it please do get in touch, would love to hear from you, take care x


----------



## Wirrallass (Jan 11, 2018)

Grannylorraine said:


> lovely poem.  I suffer with depression,  am currently trying to cut down my meds with the help of my doctor.  It is going to be a long process as only reducing medication slowly every three months.


Hey Lorraine ~ how you doing hun ~ how are you getting on with reducing your meds ~ would love to hear ftom you ~ hope you're ok, take care x


----------



## mikeyB (Jan 12, 2018)

Thanks for that, wirralass. Like others, it brings back unwanted memories, but fortunately that’s all they are. I might get some edited highlights printed on a t-shirt. Or get taller.


----------



## Hepato-pancreato (Jan 12, 2018)

Not been on Prozac now for a few years but that stirred up some memories. Written with brutal honesty. Something I read today £20 test to see if you had flu or a cold. I remember my mental health issues and the Doctor describing the difference between feeling down and clinical depression. If £1,000,000 were in a suitcase at the bottom of your bed if you were feeling low you would grab the suitcase. If you were clinically depressed you couldn’t care less about it..


----------



## Wirrallass (Jan 12, 2018)

Hepato-pancreato said:


> Not been on Prozac now for a few years but that stirred up some memories. Written with brutal honesty. Something I read today £20 test to see if you had flu or a cold. I remember my mental health issues and the Doctor describing the difference between feeling down and clinical depression. If £1,000,000 were in a suitcase at the bottom of your bed if you were feeling low you would grab the suitcase. If you were clinically depressed you couldn’t care less about it..


Thank you HP ~ the suitcase senario is so very true ~ just think if we we'd only been feeling low we'd be rich but alas for me that would never have happened at the time I was so very ill. My depression still lurks and occasionally it raises its ugly head but fortunately I recognise the signs before it gets a hold and can ward them off ~ but its a battle. I hope you are well now and that you can control any episodes of depression should they descend upon you. Take care now.


----------



## Hepato-pancreato (Jan 12, 2018)

Thankyou wirralass much appreciated.  Just think the great man who was Winston Churchill suffered from this debilitating much misunderstood condition . The Black dog he called it if I remember rightly.  Hope you are well and as a fellow northerner read my avatar.


----------



## Carolg (Jan 13, 2018)

Thanks everyone for sharing such personal experiences, which I am sure will help others. Dark dog seems such an apt description.


----------



## Wirrallass (Jan 14, 2018)

@Carolg Oops I think you mean the *black* dog?


----------



## Carolg (Jan 14, 2018)

wirralass said:


> @Carolg Oops I think you mean the *black* dog?


Well spotted wirralass,


----------



## Wirrallass (Jan 9, 2019)

I've not been here for a while. It's something I want to forget but occasionally need to return to remind myself how fortunate I am to be alive.

WL


----------



## Ditto (Jan 9, 2019)

wirralass said:


> I've not been here for a while. It's something I want to forget but occasionally need to return to remind myself how fortunate I am to be alive. WL



(((hugs)))


----------



## trophywench (Jan 9, 2019)

Call it PTSD and miraculously a lot of the stigma seems to disappear ……sad.

Trouble these days is that language is used so carelessly.  When we grew up eg the term 'bonkers et al' wasn't normally used to refer to anyone who had a recognised MH condition, far from it.  The majority of people hadn't a clue about real mental health conditions and were jolly grateful they'd never had to learn about it - so there was general sympathy for  both the sufferer and their families/carers.

I'm disgusted with the way that these days anyone remotely 'different' in any way seems to attract really vile comments from anyone that happens to make them - however a lot of people seem to deliberately court such reactions - eg deliberately having swastikas tattooed all over the place on open view 'because I'm entitled' and then complaining when some people object to it.

I expect I'm frustrated too - because I don't see a way out of this.


----------



## Wirrallass (Mar 19, 2020)

I'm revisiting this thread as a reminder of how fortunate I am to still be alive today as opposed to being just a memory to my family & friends. 

Much has happened in my life that has caused me much anguish ~ pain & heartache and it's difficult for me to forget these times. It only takes one word ~ a name even ~ to find myself revisiting the black dog. 

When this happens I endeavour to 'switch off' the 'depression button' which is located somewhere between my ears! Most of the time it works ~ less so some of the time but...it is here that I find music a godsend, a solace. Not only does it lift my spirits but it dispels all negative thoughts after a while of listening to it.

Gardening I find (weather permitting) is another form of dispelling my anxiety and depression ~ as too does painting & decorating my home ~ and many other physical activities, to clear my mind of thoughts that remind me of what I don't want to be reminded of!

More recently, I'm thankful to have found this forum. It's a wonderful place with wonderful people who understand ~ who feel ~ who empathise and sympathise ~ who inject a sense of humour into often dire situations or otherwise.
I've made many virtual lovely friends here

Now that I've got all that off my chest I'll continue to go about my daily tasks! 
WL


----------



## Ditto (Mar 20, 2020)

I try not to think back, it does no good. (((hugs to all)))


----------

