# Thinking about dying



## zuludog (Sep 29, 2021)

I'm thinking about dying......but not yet, let me explain

This has been prompted by the fact that recently a few family members and friends have died, and it has set me thinking

I'm 71, and although I hope to have a good few years yet (my D is well controlled) it is bound to happen sooner or later
I remember when my parents died, and sorting their house and affairs was hard work, as well as being sad
So I'm trying to make things a bit easier for my family

I made a will ages ago, leaving everything to my wife & family, and I'm also preparing a folder of bank & insurance details, last wishes, that sort of thing

I'm an atheist, and neither I nor my wife have liked much fuss, so I was thinking of a direct funeral, in particular Pure Cremation
Has anyone ever used them, or have any experience of them, or any other comments?

My family can deal with the personal and household stuff, but I have hobbies - knife making; model aeroplanes -  the plastic kits; and leatherwork
I would have liked the tools & materials for these to go to a military charity or someone who is unemployed, but this is proving surprisingly difficult, and it would be a shame if things were just chucked in a skip
I have contacted a couple of military charities including Help for Heroes, and they are not interested in taking items or equipment, only money - which now seems to be the way of most charities

I have just about found homes for them, usually it means that my family will have to announce them on a Forum or a Facebook page, but if you have any other suggestions I'd like to hear them


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## ColinUK (Sep 29, 2021)

Why not just make specific bequests of tools etc to the specific charities you have in mind in your Will?


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## Drummer (Sep 29, 2021)

I am a member of a kilt forum 'X marks the Scot', and there is an interest associated with them, mainly making small knives, or not quite knives for ornament rather than use - it might be worth putting out the offer to them. They are world wide, but there are a fair few members in the UK. 
Some of the patterned blades they picture are very beautiful.
I have quite a collection of knives as tools - I could dismantle a whole sheep in my kitchen if I brought out the big blades, and sometimes have been rather uneasy when I realize that the things in my camping equipment could be misconstrued as dangerous rather than the things I might need to convert a piece of meat or a swede into dinner.


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## zuludog (Sep 29, 2021)

ColinUK said:


> Why not just make specific bequests of tools etc to the specific charities you have in mind in your Will?


I've contacted them, and as I said, they're not interested in actual goods or items, like tools & materials, they only want money -- and usually not a one off cash donation, they want you to sign up to a regular plan

I have to say that I'm disillusioned with the big charities in that respect, not helped by the large salaries paid to their CEOs
And discussion on my hobby forums shows that the situation in USA is similar
Now if I give to charity, I give to a local charity that wants to send a kid to Disneyland, or buy them a special wheelchair or something

Dig a bit deeper and you'll see that there is a merry-go-round of local government, charities, the less useful parts of the NHS, obscure institutes and similar non productive jobs, usually funded by the taxpayer or donations

Alright, we've gone off topic, but excuse me for being cynical

Now back to the main topic -

Obviously my family will have first pick; we have discussed this, and any cash from my accounts will go to the family.
We're not bothered about getting any money for goods & chattels, rather it is a case of finding the proverbial good homes for the hobby stuff, and clothes will probably go to a charity shop

Hiking & backpacking gear to www.backpackersclub.co.uk   I've been a member for years; for them to use or dispose of as they wish
Model planes to the local Air Cadets
Knife making is tricky as it is a fairly specialised hobby, plus there is all the current fuss & paranoia about knives, so I'll arrange for it to be advertised on my knifemaking Forum - www.edgematters.uk
Leatherworking stuff will be announced on a couple of Facebook pages


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## helli (Sep 29, 2021)

Do you have a Men's Shed near you?
They may appreciate tools and it seems to be a great cause for men to create, converse and provide companionship.


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## Deleted member 33972 (Sep 29, 2021)

zuludog said:


> I've contacted them, and as I said, they're not interested in actual goods or items, like tools & materials, they only want money -- and usually not a one off cash donation, they want you to sign up to a regular plan
> 
> I have to say that I'm disillusioned with the big charities in that respect, not helped by the large salaries paid to their CEOs
> And discussion on my hobby forums shows that the situation in USA is similar
> ...


Charity shops and the person interested in them will be drawn to them


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## zuludog (Sep 29, 2021)

helli said:


> Do you have a Men's Shed near you?
> They may appreciate tools and it seems to be a great cause for men to create, converse and provide companionship.


Ah yes, I'd forgotten about Men's Sheds

A few years ago I was quite keen on the idea, and tried to set up a Men's Shed in my area, but it wasn't very successful

With a local community centre we found an old carpenter's workshop which would have been ideal, but it all came to nothing -- 

Firstly I have to say that we got hardly any interest or support from The Men's Shed's Association, which both surprised and disappointed me
But more than that, the whole thing was being organised (and here I use the term loosely) and financed by the local council's Social Services Department, which, as we know, is the Kiss Of Death for any kind of project

However, there is a Men's shed not too far from me, so I'll contact them, and see how it goes


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## Leadinglights (Sep 29, 2021)

Hopefully it will be many years before you depart this mortal earth. and you never know by then the attitude of charities may well have changed.
Have you thought of VSO who send things to Africa or Emmaus who have workshops where people refurbish goods so may well be interested in tools.
As far as simple burials, there are a number of green burial sites around, or  you could donate your body to one of the medical schools.
You are very thoughtful to be thinking of your family at what would be a very stressful time.


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## zuludog (Sep 29, 2021)

LEADING LIGHTS
I can almost see an Emmaus store from my bedroom window, so I went round there a week or so ago
It's all closed, and judging from the weeds, litter, and general appearance of the place, it looks like it has been for months
So I emailed them, and phoned them, only to get an answer phone,  but so far, no reply

I've also contacted a couple of homeless charities, and offered that come the day, they can strip the place and take everything from the teaspoons to the freezer and back again, but none of them were interested

So it looks like as far as household stuff goes, it will be a house clearance firm, which is not what I would like

And as I mentioned, I'll sort things with my son, who is the computer expert in our family, and leave logins, passwords, etc. so that he can offer my hobby stuff on t'Net

I must say that although I'm not looking for grovelling thanks and gratitude, I expected a bit more interest than this

For burials, firstly everything will be offered for organ donation and any other harvesting, then I can't decide between medical research/schools or cremation
I'm under no illusions about medical schools; years ago when I was at university a couple of my mates were medical students and I know that things can be a bit macabre, to put it mildly.
I've also heard that medical schools now have too many bodies being offered to them, and are turning them down - times have moved on from The Resurrection Men!
But as I said, I'm an atheist, and not very sentimental, and I'm tending more towards a direct funeral & cremation, which would make things easier for my family


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## ColinUK (Sep 29, 2021)

zuludog said:


> I've contacted them, and as I said, they're not interested in actual goods or items, like tools & materials, they only want money -- and usually not a one off cash donation, they want you to sign up to a regular plan
> 
> I have to say that I'm disillusioned with the big charities in that respect, not helped by the large salaries paid to their CEOs
> And discussion on my hobby forums shows that the situation in USA is similar
> ...


There’s a world of difference to regular cash donations and gifts in wills. 
Some rather odd things have been left to charities in Wills and yes they often sell them to raise money but not always. 
I think it’s the Red Cross who were left a trout stream so they kept that and quite rightly monetised it. Others have been left stamp collections, pianos, furniture, African grey parrots etc. 
Of course it also costs a charity money to dispose of anything left to them and it also costs manpower and money to handle items donated whilst a supporter is alive. 
All charities, well most of them anyway, are exceptionally well run organisations and yes they can pay a lot to the person at the top but as someone who works for charities I have a slight issue when supporters grumble about people being paid adequately to do a difficult and important job.

Homeless charities won’t want to be encumbered with doing a house clearance. They can’t reuse any electrical equipment unless it’s pat tested by their electricians and they can’t take furniture unless it’s fire safety approved. They don’t take second hand clothes because they often receive donations of brand new items from retailers or manufacturers. 

I realise it seems like they’re being obstinate in refusing offers of items but they’re really not. It does cost a fortune for them to process physical donated used goods so that’s why they decline. Also they would have to store items somewhere until needed so that’s yet another cost for them to consider.


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## Leadinglights (Sep 29, 2021)

I must admit I get quite annoyed by people who leave bags of tutt outside the charity shops as most of it is unsuitable and unusable and gives the shop the problem of having to get rid of it.
I appreciate people think they are being generous but they should be more selective about what they take.
I did rather like my local PDSA as they periodically sent something to say how much had been raised from your donated stuff.


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## helli (Sep 29, 2021)

Leadinglights said:


> I did rather like my local PDSA as they periodically sent something to say how much had been raised from your donated stuff.


I thought that was necessary for tax purposes in terms of gift aid.
All charities I donate (carefully selected items) to send me an update on how much they have raised.


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## ColinUK (Sep 29, 2021)

helli said:


> I thought that was necessary for tax purposes in terms of gift aid.
> All charities I donate (carefully selected items) to send me an update on how much they have raised.


That is a gift aid thing yes.


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## Deleted member 33972 (Sep 29, 2021)

Leadinglights said:


> I must admit I get quite annoyed by people who leave bags of tutt outside the charity shops as most of it is unsuitable and unusable and gives the shop the problem of having to get rid of it.
> I appreciate people think they are being generous but they should be more selective about what they take.
> I did rather like my local PDSA as they periodically sent something to say how much had been raised from your donated stuff.


Charity Shops get rag money for materials they can’t use


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## trophywench (Sep 29, 2021)

There is a different choice than a Direct Funeral, which gives your family and friends an opportunity to gather together and send you off more formally but still without religion - and that's a Humanist funeral service.  Your choice of music if you want any - and the celebrant will prefer to talk to you and find out what you want before you actually die and someone else chooses what they want instead.


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## zuludog (Sep 30, 2021)

Thanks Trophywench.
I know about Humanist Funerals, I've been to a couple, and they were well organised and dignified
Also I am a member of Humanism UK, the new name for The British Humanist Association

Unfortunately I have lost touch with many of my friends and all but the immediate family, so there would be few people to come to my funeral
So I've decided that my body will go for organ donation, if it is suitable, followed by a direct cremation
Then if a few people want to join up for a few drinks on me, they can


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## trophywench (Oct 1, 2021)

Mmmm.  The only person I have ever known who had a direct cremation (and I have still no idea whether that was what he wanted or whether it was his only child and her husband's choice) was a really lovely man who is still remembered fondly by many of us (even though he apparently got some folks' back up latterly for being old fashioned, basically - so we kind of felt cheated (don't think that's the right word) since we hadn't been able to pay our last respects to him in the traditional way.  See - we're old fashioned in that way ourselves.  I have no idea whatsoever whether our current friends feel like this or not, nor what our daughters think and it will be in their control, not ours when the time comes.

So good for you biting the bullet and arranging what YOU want before it happens.


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## Hepato-pancreato (Oct 2, 2021)

We have a place called greenacres. thats a place no religion do what you want i think. Not a cemetary as such. woodland, they have a few sites google greenacres cemetary . I've heard rave reviews from people who have been.


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## Hepato-pancreato (Oct 2, 2021)

You said your an atheist but go on the humanist website and take the online quiz. I did and found i wasn't atheist or agnostic but a humanist.


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## trophywench (Oct 3, 2021)

Hepato-pancreato said:


> You said your an atheist but go on the humanist website and take the online quiz. I did and found i wasn't atheist or agnostic but a humanist.


Yes !  I have to say when a friend decided that was what she wanted and made as many arrangements in advance for it as she could - most of us had to find out a bit more - and very much felt there wasn't anything to dislike, all in all.  Very sensible and down to earth.


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## Hepato-pancreato (Oct 3, 2021)

trophywench said:


> Yes !  I have to say when a friend decided that was what she wanted and made as many arrangements in advance for it as she could - most of us had to find out a bit more - and very much felt there wasn't anything to dislike, all in all.  Very sensible and down to earth.


Totally agree. Did you know the president is prof Alice Roberts the red haired lady on various tv programs.


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## C&E Guy (Oct 6, 2021)

Imagine having a brother who lives in Sussex, on his own, who has no will despite a lot of nagging and who won't get vaccinated.

If the days comes when he goes into hospital or worse, what am I going to do? We live north of Glasgow and my mobility is poor. I couldn't cope with driving all the way down, and I would need a car when there. 

My wife and I might have a flat to clear out. We would have to find out where any local charity shops are. As he doesn't have a will - can we dispose of his stuff? Do we have to go through the Court to get possession? How long would that take?

He just doesn't bother. Worse still - what if I go first? Do my wife and daughters have to deal with it?


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## Robin (Oct 6, 2021)

C&E Guy said:


> Do we have to go through the Court to get possession? How long would that take?


It’s not any more complicated than if you have to take out a Grant of probate for someone who has left a will. If you’re his nearest relative, the process is exactly the same.




__





						Applying for probate
					

Find out if you need to apply for probate to deal with the estate of someone who’s died. Discover how to apply for probate or letters of administration and what to do if there’s no will.




					www.gov.uk
				



Have a look at the 'If the person did not leave a will' section.
Still a hassle for you as you live so far away, though.


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## trophywench (Oct 6, 2021)

A Scot won't be familiar with English Law (why should he, here when like most folk he hasn't had to do it before) and the processes involved.  It is actually a fairly simple process in England once someone with working brain cells applies for it - as my only experience of it was when the Executor has appointed the solicitor who wrote the Will and held it, to deal with that process and he didn't strike a hand's turn on it, so the Exec landed up doing it himself, when it was swiftly sorted out and enabled the Estate to be dealt with properly and the proceeds divided up as directed by the deceased, which was what they all wished to do in the first place - no arguments between them about it either before, during or since.


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## helli (Oct 6, 2021)

I have a confession.

When I first saw the title thread on the What's new list, I didn't want to open it.
I expected it to be from someone really struggling and I didn't feel I had the skills or words to be able to respond. I didn't want to be one of the people who read the message and did not provide a response. I didn't not want to be someone who didn't care - another increment on the Views count that made the writer feel even more alone.
So, in my own selfish fear, I ignored the thread until I saw braver others had provided some words of comfort.

I am pleased my interpretation of the title did not turn out to be true but it highlighted that I didn't know what to do if someone was reaching out through the forum in extreme despair.
Short of "Call Samaritans" does Diabetes UK have a strategy in place for handling these sort of calls for help?


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## C&E Guy (Oct 6, 2021)

Robin said:


> It’s not any more complicated than if you have to take out a Grant of probate for someone who has left a will. If you’re his nearest relative, the process is exactly the same.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Thanks for that. I am the nearest relative.  But it would be a hassle as you say. I'd have to take care of that before anything can be done. And, as you say, we are far away.

Sounds like we'd need to make a few trips down. To sort out the legalities and then to empty his flat and sell it etc. Probably best to employ someone local to deal with matters.

If he outlives me, and my wife, it'll end up being more of a hassle for my daughters.


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## Barbie1 (Oct 7, 2021)

My unmarried live alone brother died in West Yorkshire just before Christmas last year. My sister in Kent and I in Hampshire had to deal with all his assets etc during the worst of the lockdown and from a long distance away.  

We did use the “direct cremation” type service and it was very very good - they picked up his body and transported it to the first crematorium that had an empty slot, then delivered the ashes to me. We were then able to organise our own scattering ceremony with his friends at a place relevant to him much later in June once the restrictions were easing a little.
I felt it worked very well but I am really not going to tell my sister that the actual crematorium used was in Devon! (I have this uneasy picture of a transit van full of corpses in an accident on the M5…….!)
And yes I am afraid we had to pay somebody to come and clear out his flat - nobody local seemed to want anything donated, so it all had to be dumped

And getting probate on line was easy, as long as you collect the info first, and they also have a “tell us once” service which can advise all the relevant (government) offices for you.  But you do have to make an appointment to actually register the death which for me was also all done on the phone, but they do try to make it easy for people.


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