# Puns



## Brendan (Dec 1, 2011)

? The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
    ? I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
    ? She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
    ? A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
    ? No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
    ? A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
    ? A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
    ? Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
    ? A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
    ? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
    ? Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
    ? Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'
    ? I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
    ? A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
    ? The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
    ? The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
    ? A backward poet writes inverse.
    ? In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
    ? When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
    ? If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
    ? A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
    ? Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
    ? Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
    ? Two hydrogen atoms meet.
    One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
    The other says 'Are you sure?'
    The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
    ? Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
    His goal: transcend dental medication.


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## Andy HB (Dec 1, 2011)

Too many groans to mention!


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## Brendan (Dec 1, 2011)

*Not Puns*

I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you aman who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


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