# Letter to the bank...



## Einstein (Mar 19, 2009)

Dear Bank Manager,

Having worked extremely hard with much self-sacrifice over the past 20 years to build up a successful business with faithful employees, loyal customers and reliable suppliers, I feel I must now throw in the towel and relinquish my livelihood. The overdraft, bank charges and fees have taken their toll and I fear the adrenalin has been sucked from my body. The current borrowing from your bank, together with the account fees, must now be addressed.

Fortunately, a nice gentleman from Japan has agreed to buy my company and the enclosed cheque will settle any outstanding debts to your bank. I now have a sizable cash surplus (100 times my borrowing) looking for an investment home. You have never discussed investments with me previously; is it now time to talk?

I am, however, concerned about your groups track record and the massive sums squandered on behalf of shareholders,

Twenty years ago, lending to property went sour, then helping the Third World severely burnt your fingers, and those overseas bank acquisitions never really paid off. Latterly, moving large amounts of capital into stockbroking and merchant bank offshoots has yet to show signs or returning the investment.

It seems a pity that the wise old men of banking were pensioned off - those who had learnt by their mistakes and would surely not follow the same folly. Unfortunately, two decades later a bottomless pit of money was mined to finance new property deals and the construction of massive corporate conglomerates on building-block debts with the flimsiest of asset foundations. Even my children know what happens to houses built on sand.

But that is all past and, to be fair you are not a bad golf partner. Before we meet to discuss my investment I thought it best to clear some criteria on which we can continue our business relationship.

While I appreciate you are backed by a large organisation, it is limited by its liability, and much of its capital base is too heavily committed and subject to world economic and political conditions.

The property bases have dropped dramatically in the past two years, and I have noticed you have been shedding branches in a programme to centralise efficiency and cut costs.

Unfortunately, this is not reflected in profits. Are you finding it hard to attract new customers without a unique product or selling proposition?

Could it be that your investment in ?glitzy money shops? have eaten up the income? I do hope you have monitored the failure of other retail giants that emblazoned the high streets with designer stores only to find customers turning away as fashions and attitudes changed with the wind of recession.

Television and journal advertising must be costing a fortune; I still keep hoping to see your friendly face instead of one of those expensive glamour starts.

But there is no point in being negative; let?s get on with things. From where I sit your business is a high risk; I must look for security.

Your group assets are stretched; I must look for something more redeemable should my investment turn sour.

Your house will do for starters. I will arrange for it to be valued should I need a second charge. You will, of course, cover the fee and I think it would be appropriate to have a ?tidy up? first so that we are not confronted with problems that may hold back a quick sale, should it be necessary.

No need to worry: I have good ?friends? who will be only too pleased to rebuild the wall, replace the windows, fix the roof, paint the outside and tidy the garden. You will appreciate that that all I get for the introductions is a small commission, and selling names and addresses to associates is all part of the game in group marketing.

Next we must look at insurance cover if you are still paying for the house, and it may be that you need to increase your life cover and pension contributions. Incidentally, I have decided to diversify in to financial services brokerage. Congratulations, you are my first customer. I estimate that to cover all these points and have further general discussions will take half a day and you will, I am sure, allow me to make a charge for ?consultancy advice?.

Finally you will see that the enclosed cheque is short of the total statement total, but as you have always found it expedient to include discretionary charges, I have followed your rule.

I look forward to our chat around my table in the near future.

Respectfully,

Your flexible friend


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