# Feeling so unhappy



## kk9 (Jan 24, 2017)

Hi
I have started with my Medtronic mini med 640g pump this morning, last chance saloon in preconception care after all else had failed and hba1c is still only 60. So far all ok blood wise today and in control. But I can't stand having this thing on my body. I've been holding back all day but just had proper meltdown to my partner screaming and crying at him to get it off me. I'm still in my clothes in the spare bed cos I don't know where to start with what to wear in bed. I just feel like I'm going to stay up all night waiting for morning. Sorry I know it's not been long and every change takes getting used to but I can't see anywhere about people hating their pump!! All the 'how amazing' tales are making me feel worse!!
Thanks


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## KookyCat (Jan 24, 2017)

Hi KK9
I don't have a pump, I just wanted to say hello and also that there are lots of people who find the pump isn't for them, it's a very personal choice and it's not for everyone.  What might help is if you sit down and write down really honestly what you don't like about it.  Is it really the pump you hate or is it diabetes?  Silly question I know but it's easy to project negative feelings onto something you can control (the pump) instead of against something you can't control (the diabetes).  It sounds like diabetes is making your life difficult at the moment, and if you desperately want a baby and the diabetes won't play ball anger is not only normal it's totally justified.  I'm sure there will be lots of pumpers along soon to help, I just wanted to say hello and welcome


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## grovesy (Jan 24, 2017)

Welcome.
I am not a pumper either but we have some who have thought about it and  decided it was not for them. As KookyCat said is just the pump or is Diabetes altogether, have you talked to your team, some people have seen special psychologists.


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## Copepod (Jan 24, 2017)

Welcome to the forum kk9. How was your night?


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## Pumper_Sue (Jan 24, 2017)

Hi K9,
firstly welcome to the forum. 
Bed clothes if you don't wear an jim jams then use a bit of tape and secure your tubing about an inch from the connection this will stop your cannula being pulled out. Then let the pump roam free in the bed or use some tubi grip to hold your pump in place.
Same applies for a night dress or wear a pair of knickers and clip the pump to the front of them via the belt clip.
Jim jams then just clip the pump to the front of your pj's. None of it is a problem.


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## HOBIE (Jan 24, 2017)

Good luck KK9, you may need to see your DSN for thoughts. Life ! I know they are the best form of control. Next best thing to a real one but I really hope you can get your head around it. Pls pm me or others if we can help.


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## Redkite (Jan 24, 2017)

kk9 said:


> Hi
> I have started with my Medtronic mini med 640g pump this morning, last chance saloon in preconception care after all else had failed and hba1c is still only 60. So far all ok blood wise today and in control. But I can't stand having this thing on my body. I've been holding back all day but just had proper meltdown to my partner screaming and crying at him to get it off me. I'm still in my clothes in the spare bed cos I don't know where to start with what to wear in bed. I just feel like I'm going to stay up all night waiting for morning. Sorry I know it's not been long and every change takes getting used to but I can't see anywhere about people hating their pump!! All the 'how amazing' tales are making me feel worse!!
> Thanks



My son got his first pump aged 7, and it had taken me 18 months of campaigning to get him one, but on that first night of him wearing it I did feel flat and sad - it's a visible reminder of a condition that's never going to go away.  The pump has been a godsend for his control however, and he's never minded wearing it at all.

I think you need to look on it as a tool - it's there to help you towards your goal of a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby.  You'll have a lot worse to put up with over the 9 months after all!!!!  Promise yourself if you still hate wearing your pump after your baby is born, you can have the option of going back onto MDI.


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## Ralph-YK (Jan 24, 2017)

Hello KK.  {*hugs*}


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## SB2015 (Jan 24, 2017)

I hope that you managed to get some sleep.

As others have said it may be that the Diabetes is getting to you.  I know it does to me at intervals, pump or not.  So they to work out what your particular concerns are and check if it is the pump.

A pump is indeed not for everyone.  You have read all the words in praise of the pump and I know that others have been given them for the pre pregnancy phase to improve control.  

As for how to wear it at night, I simply chuck it in the bed and it goes where it pleases.  So I don't attach it to anything.  I have fairly long tubes so I do not find it tugs, but if it does as others have said you can tape a loop of tubing near the cannula so any tug is on the tape not on the cannula.  If I have PJs on it goes in the pocket but then gets in the way when I turn over, so I then take it out and let it roam.

Do talk to your DSN about how you feel.  You won't be the first to have had concerns.


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## CosmicHedgehog (Jan 24, 2017)

I really struggled with where and what to do with my pump when i first got it too. Its actually really common and takes a few days to get used to wearing it. So don't get upset for being upset about it. How you feel is perfectly normal and a LOT of people feel like that at the start. 

Pockets will be your friends. Pj bottoms with pockets, jumpers with pockets, joggers with pockets etc etc... the clips are good but can be limiting to where you can wear them. clip it to the edge of a pocket or waist band. As for bed,i let mine roam free, and what us pumpers mean by that is, just go to bed with it just on the bed next to you, you will fall asleep and wont even notice its there , i move a lot in my sleep and its never fallen off the bed or ripped a cannula out yet. There are a lot of options to buy different cases clip and holders online so check the internet for something that might suit you. There are stickers and skins all designed to make the lump of a pump seem less daunting and a bit more fun.

It's ok to be unsure of it. it wont suit everybody. But give it a good try first before you make a decision, you may find you get used to it x


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## SB2015 (Jan 24, 2017)

During the day I just wear mine in a pouch which is hooked onto my bra strap.


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## Radders (Jan 24, 2017)

At night I wear a Velcro belt and clip the pump to that.


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## robert@fm (Jan 25, 2017)

I'm not a pumper (naturally, T2s rarely if ever are), but I use a VPAP ventilator while I sleep; and if you think having an item of equipment permanently attached to you feels unnatural, try sleeping with an air-mask strapped to your face.  Apparently it's quite common for people new to CPAP/VPAP therapy to freak-out when trying to sleep on the machine, and to find it difficult to wear the mask for a full 8 hours at first. You just have to persevere; it does get easier, after 8 years on CPAP and then VPAP I now find it difficult to sleep without the mask. 

And of course we are here to support you. Welcome to the forum.


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## PhoebeC (Jan 27, 2017)

I read this, this morning - https://www.facebook.com/mySugr/posts/1281233891923509 

I don't have a pump so I cant help, but i found this an interesting read. As others have said if it helps more than it hinders then its good.


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## LorraineP (Jan 28, 2017)

kk9 I'm glad you raised the fact that not all of us take to the pump straight away. I got my pump 6 months ago and at the beginning I hated it. I had been diabetic for 40 years without any distress but as soon as the pump was attached to me I became very anxious and tearful about it. I could think about nothing else. I couldn't understand why it affected me that way but I just wanted rid of it.

I had a mini melt down when I attempted my first cannula change (I'd only been shown how to do it once) and when I phoned the DSN for help she said "well the young ones manage OK".  Having spoken to younger diabetics since then it appears they don't all manage well at the beginning. But I was made to feel like an old failure.

I joined this forum 6 months ago to see if other people felt like me but as you say most pump users (quite rightly) sing its praises. Having seen how many people are having to fight for a pump I felt guilty and stayed quiet on the subject. Also I didn't want to put other potential users off.

So gradually I became used to the pump and now I can see the benefits. I have high morning blood sugars and delayed digestion which the pump helps to smooth out. Like many other people my HB1ac has dropped considerably and that's what it's all about.

As for night wear, I stuck to PJ's so that I can clip the pump to the waistband or I wear a pump belt. It's much easier to sleep with a pump than I could have imagined.

I hope by now you are feeling a bit more relaxed about wearing the pump?


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