# Am I a real man?



## Chris Hobson (Apr 17, 2021)

I thought that this was funny, from the Daily Mash.

Kicking a football back, and five other challenges to your masculinity​15th April 2021





*BEING a bloke comes with a hideous array of unreasonable expectations. Consider yourself a failure as a man if you fall foul of any of the following:
Kicking a football back to kids in the park*

You’ve always been shit at football, but it doesn’t matter now you’re a middle-aged office worker. Until your attempt to kick a ball back 10 yards goes horribly awry and you feebly hook it in the wrong direction. And a new generation of spotty youths laugh.

*Being a shit swimmer*
Masculine men do a powerful front crawl like David Hasselhoff in _Baywatch_. You pathetically doggy-paddle your way through the shallow end before clinging to the side for dear life.
*Being scared of spiders*
The eight-legged nemesis you can never admit to. Because while it’s OK for women to scream and stand on a chair, it’s your job as a man to shut your eyes and flail at it with a shoe, before realising you can’t see it anymore, then spend the rest of the night terrified it’s somehow in your hair or crawled up your trouser leg.
*Not being able to drive*
It never occurred to you how inadequate you’d feel in adult life by never having got the hang of driving a car and catching buses everywhere. Rue the day you gave up on your teenage driving lessons before asking a real man for a lift into town.
*Never having got a tattoo*
Only hard bastards and Popeye used to have tattoos. Now they’re practically the law for alpha males like professional footballers and rock stars. It’s far too late in life now, and anyway you’re petrified of needles, so just resign yourself to feeling woefully, if illogically, inferior.
*Being short*
Not your fault, but other people make you feel like it is. Not to mention ‘witty’ jibes like ‘Hope this conversation isn’t going over your head, John’. Sadly there’s no way to win here – even if you get a high-powered, well-paid job and skilfully deal with onerous responsibilities, the morons you’re in charge of will still mutter about ‘short man syndrome’.

I have hated football since being forced to play it at school. I consider it a badge of honour to not be the kind of mental deficient who find it interesting. Oddly, if it is only a matter of returning the ball to the kids, I can actually kick a football accurately. So no insecurities there.

I am a confident swimmer, I'm not afraid of spiders and I can drive so still OK.

Not having a tattoo is just about not following the herd. I'm of average height.

Obviously we are being very tongue in cheek here, what other insecurities  do guys have that make them afraid that they might not be a real man?


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## trophywench (Apr 17, 2021)

Afraid in the eye of this female beholder none of that matters eg tattoos - like jewellery - less = more as long as it is beautifully executed and presented.

And a well presented bum says a lot more to me than the size of a penis for instance - being a naturist I get to see quite a lot more of both of those than a lot of women - and much like ladies' busts to men - much more than a handful is wasted, where chaps' buttocks are concerned too for me!


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## Chris Hobson (Apr 21, 2021)

I cried when my daughter Hannah was born. I think that it was partly the release of tension as first born babies do take quite a while to squeeze out. Also, it wasn't possible to determine the sex from the scans and the Hobson sperm has a tendency to produce only boys, so a girl was a bit of a shock.

In other news, I'm 62 but I do keep myself in shape so I do still have a fairly pert bum.


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## C&E Guy (Apr 22, 2021)

Being able to wire a plug

Being able to saw a piece of wood, in a straight line

Being able to lift something heavy

Being able to read a map

Enjoying a hot curry

Admiring proper footballers like Ron "Chopper" Harris and Norman "Bites Your Leg" Hunter

Being able to remove a large tree from your garden

Your favourite film is _The Dambusters_


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## adrian1der (Apr 22, 2021)

C&E Guy said:


> Being able to wire a plug


With a bread knife


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## Andy HB (Apr 22, 2021)

Not asking for directions when not sure how to get somewhere (i.e. lost, but not wanting to admit it).

Able to wear shorts and a t-shirt when the wife is complaining that the house is too cold.


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## Nayshiftin (Apr 22, 2021)

Anitram said:


> How about watching a movie with a scene that makes you well up, eg The Champ. I defy anyone to watch the end of that with dry eyes.


you are allowed to be human and to me, that shows more guts than a man who denies it. I'll never say I like to hear or see a man cry but well up yea, mind, I don't like to see anyone or anything cry so not much of the good mother or nurse as was am I.


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## Nayshiftin (Apr 22, 2021)

Just be yourself and you'll be the man you need to be.


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## rebrascora (Apr 22, 2021)

I'm starting to be concerned that I might be a closet "real man".... except that my favourite film is Pretty Woman and I always stop and ask someone if I am struggling to find a place.


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## Chris Hobson (Apr 22, 2021)

Being reluctant to ask for directions is a very logical position to take. The totally random person that you ask may not be local, or may not have a clue. Even if you do, by chance find someone who knows the way to where you need to go, they could be an awful communicator. They could be a good communicator but you will find it impossible to memorise a long list of lefts, rights and local landmarks in the short time available. Asking for directions is a terrible way to get were you want to go. Luckily we now have satnav which is mostly reliable.


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## Chris Hobson (Jul 17, 2021)

I thought that I would revisit this thread as my lawnmower died a few days ago. If you press the cold start button it would start, run for a few seconds and then stop. Experimenting I tried pressing the cold start button once it was running and found that it would continue to run as long as you kept pressing it. So, definitely a fuel problem, most likely a blockage in the carburettor. So I stripped cleaned and reassembled the carburettor and now the lawnmower runs perfectly.

The key real man words here are:
 "I stripped cleaned and reassembled the carburettor"
Only a real man can say that.


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## Gwynn (Jul 17, 2021)

Yup, I remember having to stop several times (over the years) to strip down the bank of 4 frozen  carburettas on my Kawasaki 750. It was known for the problem.

It usually took me about 30 minutes to strip, clean, reassemble it all

Nice, but scary bike...blood red!!!

I named her 'Weena' after the heroine (kind of) in the original 'time machine' film

So maybe I used to be a real man. Now, I guess I'm just a real old man.


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## Chris Hobson (Jul 17, 2021)

I intended this thread to be humorous and a bit of a joke, making fun of our insecurities. It is a bit of a coincidence that I recently came across this story which has some relevance but is rather less funny. I would love to hear some comments about this.









						Woman Calls Her Sister To Babysit Because ‘No One Else Can’, She Comes Over To Discover Their Dad Is Just Chilling At Home
					

A father is many things but he is not a babysitter for his kids.




					www.boredpanda.com


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## Drummer (Jul 17, 2021)

Sorry fellas - I have my own can of carburettor cleaner, and two separate tool boxes, one for general everyday and the other for musical instruments - but my dad used to keep aircraft flying when he was in the RAF, his dad kept charabancs moving, his dad fettled the steam engines which powered the dark satanic mills of the West Riding of Yorkshire, and before that there were engine tenders in saw mills - I was the first girl on that side of the family for generations. 

My younger sister used to give out advice when someone's car did not start, and is no mean mechanic herself. We can change or fit plugs, but our brother takes after mother's side, and is an amateur radio and TV buff - though he's not a bad mechanic for motorbikes and bicycles.
I think it is partly something genetic, partly how people are brought up.

I'm also a pretty wicked spin bowler at cricket - over the wicket, medium pace left hander - I bat right handed though. Cricket actually started out as a game for women. Not many people know that.


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## mikeyB (Jul 19, 2021)

Not many people know that @Drummer because it isn’t actually true. It’s generally thought to have started out as a children’s game, but true cricket only started when the ball was pitched over arm, so that the the bat, which was previously more like a hockey stick to hit the rolled ball, had to be changed to the shape we now know.


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## Drummer (Jul 19, 2021)

mikeyB said:


> Not many people know that @Drummer because it isn’t actually true. It’s generally thought to have started out as a children’s game, but true cricket only started when the ball was pitched over arm, so that the the bat, which was previously more like a hockey stick to hit the rolled ball, had to be changed to the shape we now know.


The ball was actually thrown shoulder height with a twist of the body to start the motion and then straightening out the arm, from being folded. The action of modern bowling is more suited to a man's straight arm, as although women's bowling is often called underarm it has an action more like a slingshot - my granny had some cousins who used to play ladies cricket and they said that playing the original game in whalebone corsets was a good idea as the ball could really hurt.
I think that American baseball pitching is something like the way women bowled, but with less decorum.


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## NotWorriedAtAll (Jul 19, 2021)

I just caught up on this thread and found it highly amusing.
Being very literal minded sometimes I have decided a 'real' man is one that is physically existent in the world and not in a book or film or work of fiction.  Everything else is individual to the person concerned.

I have to admit getting a bit of a thrill when my husband can do 'manly things' but I think it is more to do with me having a mean streak and being glad I don't need to pay a plumber, mechanic, electrician, etc etc as long as the tasks are not too physically demanding because he is fairly dilapidated these days.


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## trophywench (Jul 19, 2021)

... and I have a husband who even though he knows too damn well he's elderly and getting more and more dilapidated and cannot physically do things - refuses to acknowledge the idea of paying money to some other person(s) who can.

Meanwhile of course the jobs that need doing progress in their severity .......


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