# SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS



## Wirrallass

There was a young lady named Bright
Whose speed was faster than light;
She set out one day
in a relative way
and returned home the previous night!

Author Butler.
(1874-1944)
.........................☆☆☆☆............................

There's a notable family named Stein
There's a Gert & there's Ep & there's Ein;
Gert's prose is all bunk
Ep's sculpture just junk
and nobody understands Ein!

Anonymous.
.........................☆☆☆☆............................

A taxi-cab whore at Ivor
would do a round trip for a fiver;
Quite reasonable too
for a sightsee - a screw
and a fifty pence tip to the driver!

Victor Gray
1916

........................☆☆☆☆...............................

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
were tattooed with the price of brown ale;
While on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in Braille!

Anonymous.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


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## khskel

There was a young man from Japan
Whose poetry just wouldn't scan
His Limericks tend
To come to an end
Suddenly


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## Wirrallass

Miss Twye was soaping her breasts in the bath
when she heard behind her a meaning laugh
And to her amazement she discovered
A wicked man in the bathroom cupboard!

Anonymous


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## Northerner

There once was a man who was furious
That he'd been prescribed sulphonylureas!
He took gliclazide,
Saw his blood sugar subside,
And concluded it wasn't injurious! 

A man went for retinal screening
Without really knowing its meaning,
'You'll have drops, then you'll wait
Till your pupils dilate,
Then we'll know if you need laser healing!'


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## Bloden

I love limericks! 

There was a young man from Gallosham
Who took out his eyeballs to wash 'em
His mother said, "Jack"
"If you don't put 'em back"
"I'll put my feet on them and squash 'em!"

This one is an anti-limerick...

There was a young man from St Bees
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He said, "No, it doesn't...
...I'm glad it wasn't a hornet."


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## Wirrallass

A young engine driver called Hunt
Once took out his engine to shunt
Saw a runaway truck
And by shouting out "Duck!"
Saved the life of the fellow in front!

Victor Gray 1917

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

While visiting Arundel Castle
I sent my sick uncle a parcel
The contents of it
were the local grey grit
to rub on his sore metatarsal.


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## Bloden

Oh no, I might end up hogging this thread. I had the Blue Peter Book of Limericks when I was about 8 and couldn't get enuff of those crazy limericks.

Here's one I wrote about my Aussie kelpie, Britney. She developed a skin disorder (mixed in with a bit of nuttiness) and would spend hours ripping her own hair out  if we didn't stop her, she was that itchy.

There was a young kelpie named Britney
Who started to feel a bit itchy
If you gave her a bone
She'd leave it alone
She'd rather be chewing her leg, see.

Poor dab...


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## Wirrallass

There once was a man who said, damn!
It is borne in upon me I am
An engine that moves
in predestination grooves;
I'm not even a bus  -  I'm a tram!

M.E.Hare (1886-1967)
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

There was an old man of Khartoum
Who kept a tame sheep in his room
"To remind me," he said
"Of someone who's dead,
But I never can recollect whom."
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


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## Bloden

Contused said:


> There is a young girl of Kilkenny,
> Who is worried by lovers so many
> That the saucy young elf
> Means to raffle herself,
> And the tickets are two for a penny.
> 
> However, many years later…
> 
> There was an old girl of Kilkenny,
> Whose usual charge was a penny.
> For half of that sum
> You could fondle her bum:
> A source of amusement to many.


Really like the second one, Contused. Hahahaha...


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## mikeyB

There was an old man from Mull
Who went to the pub on the pull
His chances were slim
But the lighting was dim
Wheelchair sex is far from dull.


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## Wirrallass

To the limerick watcher I say
Effects of anaesthesia clouded my day
My apologies therefore
for writing in taste poor
And I promise to ne'er again stray!
WL


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## Wirrallass

There was an old man who supposed 
that the street door was particularly closed;
But some very large rats 
ate his coats and his hats
while the futile old gentleman dozed!
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

A wonderful bird is the pelican
His beak can hold more than his belican;
He can hold in his beak
enough food for a week
Though I'm damned if I know how the helican!


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## Wirrallass

A slug by its nature can't halt
eating veggies, which isn't it's fault;
But when gardeners get peeved
they are only relieved
once the slug has been melted with salt!

Ah! Poor slug!


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## Wirrallass

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
weighed down by B.A,s and Lit.D's
Collapsed from the strain
Said her Doctor, "It's plain
you are killing yourself....by degrees!


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## Wirrallass

A painter who lived in Great Britain 
Interrupted two girls with their knittin'
He said, with a sigh
"That park bench...well I
just painted it right where you're sittin'!


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## Wirrallass

There was a young lady from Cork
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork;
He bought for his daughter 
a tutor who taught her
to balance green peas on her fork!


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## Wirrallass

There was an old fellow named Green
Who grew so abnormally lean
and flat, and compressed
that his back touched his chest
And sideways he couldn't be seen!


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## Wirrallass

A man and his lady-love, Min
Skated out where the ice was quite thin
Had a quarrel, no doubt
For I hear they fell out;
What a blessing they didn't fall in!


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## Wirrallass

There was a young lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger
They came back from the ride
With the lady inside
And a smile on the face of the Tiger!


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## Wirrallass

There was a young lady of Lynn 
Who was exceedingly thin
that when she assayed
to drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in!


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## Wirrallass

I declare that out of the blue
I was diagnosed with having Type 2
In denial of diabetes
I fell almost to pieces
As it scared me through and through.

I was provided with meter to test
my BGL's  - at my DN'S behest;
At home on the couch
I pricked one finger  - OUCH!
Can't say I am terribly impressed!

The following twelve months I was wary
of coming face to face with one diabetes fairy
tempting my BGL's up & then down
As she gleefully pranced around
So not enjoying this journey - it's scary!
WL


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## Amigo

This is one I wrote a while back...apologies, it's not really a limerick.


'An unquenchable thirst and my peeing frenetic,
The doctor declared, 'you're now diabetic!

Get your arse off the sofa, start walking a dog   
And whilst you're at it, don't eat like a hog.

So I took his advice...
(well I don't have a pet),
But I started moving the bones and watched what I eat.

The trousers fit better, I'm fitter and leaner, I now wince at the carbs and my diet is cleaner.

Whilst I miss the cream scones and desire the fries,
They'll never compete with sound limbs and eyes!

Amigo


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## Wirrallass

Amigo said:


> This is one I wrote a while back...apologies, it's not really a limerick.
> 
> 
> 'An unquenchable thirst and my peeing frenetic,
> The doctor declared, 'you're now diabetic!
> 
> Get your arse off the sofa, start walking a dog
> And whilst you're at it, don't eat like a hog.
> 
> So I took his advice...
> (well I don't have a pet),
> But I started moving the bones and watched what I eat.
> 
> The trousers fit better, I'm fitter and leaner, I now wince at the carbs and my diet is cleaner.
> 
> Whilst I miss the cream scones and desire the fries,
> They'll never compete with sound limbs and eyes!
> 
> Amigo


This is a brilliant poem Amigo  - it says it all, proud x
WL


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## Wirrallass

There was a young lady from Kent 
Whose nose was most awfully bent 
She followed her nose
one day, I suppose
and no-one knows which way she went.


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## TheClockworkDodo

Really enjoying this thread, keep them coming!
When I first lived in Norn Iron I had to read aloud a lot of Irish place names, so I especially like @Contused's one about Dún Laoghaire


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## TheClockworkDodo

And having just had 7 hypos in 2 days ...

There once was a woman named Jules
Whose D didn't play by the rules
She hypo'd so much
That she spoke Double Dutch
And was often seen climbing the walls


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## TheClockworkDodo

I once played Juliet on stage (hence the username in my sig - most of my friends now call me Juliet) so I couldn't let this go by without a response ...



Contused said:


> From her balcony, young Julie hissed,
> "Hey, Montague, dammit, I'm pi**ed!
> Though our stars may be crossed,
> Art thou totally lost?
> And just how many cues hast thou missed?"



Young Juliet said with a sigh
All these jokes about "where" make me cry
For it's Romeo's _name_
Made me "wherefore" exclaim
Because wherefore's not "where"; wherefore's "why"

Then Juliet added "my name
Has been blackened when there is no shame
Though I'm shaky and slurred
I'm not pi**ed!  That's absurd!
All these hypos are really to blame"

(Yes, I know, different sense of the word pi**ed, but I couldn't resist  )


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## TheClockworkDodo

@Northerner went for a run
In the name of fundraising and fun
With an elf, several knights,
Superman in blue tights,
And a bricklayer dressed as a nun


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## Wirrallass

TheClockworkDodo said:


> @Northerner went for a run
> In the name of fundraising and fun
> With an elf, several knights,
> Superman in blue tights,
> And a bricklayer dressed as a nun


Brilliant - love it - thanks for sharing it Juliet 
WL x


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## Wirrallass

Not a limerick but couldn't resist posting this!

DANNY MURPHY

He was old as old could be
His little eyes could scarcely see
His mouth was sunken in between
his nose and chin  - and he was lean
and twisted up and withered white
so that he could not walk aright.

His pipe was always going out
and then he'd have to search about
in all his pockets  - and he'd now!
- O deary me! and musha now!
And then he'd light his pipe  - and then
he'd let it go clean out again.

He could not dance or jump or run
or ever have a bit of fun
like me & Susan  - when we shout
and jump and throw ourselves about.
But when he laughed then you could see
he was as young as young could be.

James Stephens.

WL


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## TheClockworkDodo

The DF keeps flying about
Spreading highs, lows - and mischief, no doubt!
If there's karma her fate's
To end up on a plate
Stuffed and roasted with fruit up her snout


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## KateR

There was a young lady from Bude
Who basked on the beach in the nude.
A man came along
And if I'm not wrong
You're expecting this line to be rude!


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## TheClockworkDodo




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## Wirrallass

Not a limerick but.....A WOMAN'S POEM

He didn't like the casserole
and he didn't like my cake
He said my biscuits were too hard
not like his mother used to make.
I didn't make the coffee right,
he didn't like my stew.
I didn't fold his pants
the way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around
and smacked the s..t out of him
Just like his mother used to do!


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## PhoebeC

To market, to market with my uncle Jim
Somebody threw a tomato at him
Tomatoes dint hurt said my uncle Jim
But this one did cause it came in a tin!


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## mikeyB

There was a member called contused
Whose Avatar copyright abused
Aqualung cover painting
Without compensating
Jethro Tull, so shouldn't be used


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## Wirrallass

The Limerick's furtive and mean,
To be kept under close quarantine
Or she'll sneak to the slums
Where she promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene!
_Anon_


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## Wirrallass

There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It is as I feared 
Two Owls and a Hen
Four Larks and a wren
Have all built their nests in my beard!"
_Edward Lear_


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## Wirrallass

There once was a farmer from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
It soon came to pass
He was covered with grass
But has all the tomatoes he needs!


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## Wirrallass

Though Christmas is just once a year,
It isn't a time to hold dear;
For that red-coated bloke
Who makes everyone broke
Is really a pain in the rear!


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## Wirrallass

Though ballads of wonder are sung
of how Rudolph the Reindeer's well hung,
You have to admit
He's an arrogant git
And he smells like an old pile of dung!


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## Wirrallass

There once was an artist named Saint
Who swallowed some samples of paint
All shades of the spectrum
Flowed out of his r••••m
With a colourful lack of restraint!


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## Wirrallass

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd,
She was frightened  - it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought struck her
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

There was a dear lady of Eden
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin',
She gave one to Adam
Who said "Thank you, madam,"
Then they both skedaddled from Eden.


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## Wirrallass

Trumps critics have launched a barrage
of dismay as disaster looms large;
and his only supporter
is his date-able daughter
and a pundit named Nigel Farrage!


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## Wirrallass

@Contused  - where have your postcards disappeared to? x
WL


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## Wirrallass

There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating a shoe
He woke with a fright
in the middle of the night 
To find that his dream had come true.


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## Wirrallass

The ships first mate was named Carter
But oh he was sure a farter
When the wind wouldn't blow
And the ship wouldn't go
It took Carter the farter to start her!


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## Wirrallass

Anyone else know any Limericks?


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## TheClockworkDodo

Good to see you again, Contused - I've missed your limericks.  Hope you're OK?


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## Contused

A nun in a cloister on Ulva
Was blessed with a rather guid v**va.
For a fiver she'd say,
"You can ha' me all day,
If you've no notes, I'll make do wi' sulva."
- Garganey


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## Ditto

Made me laugh... 

A South African girl named Cecile
Put out a global appeal,
She just wanted to wheedle
An insulin needle,
That when stuck in she just wouldn’t feel.


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## Contused

A girl from the French town Verdun
Flattened her boyfriend in fun,
Saying, "Don't worry kid,
That's for nothing you did,
It's for something I dreamt that you'd done."
- Anon


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## Contused

A publisher once went to France
In search of a tale of romance;
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady
That the publisher made an advance.
- Anon


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## Contused

A dyslexic insomniac agnostic
Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic,
With his mind in a fog,
Asking, "Is there a dog?"
And other thoughts nearly as caustic.
- Anon


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## Contused

A sleeper from the Amazon
Put nighties of his gra'mazon…
For the reason that
He was far too fat
To get his own pyjamazon.
- Anon


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## Contused

A very wise lady called Anne
Would have nothing to do with a man.
Until a pools winner
Took her out to dinner,
And then flew her off to Japan.
- Anon


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## Contused

A lady there was in Antigua
Who said to her spouse, "What a pigua."
He answered, "My queen,
Is it manners you mean;
Or do you refer to my figua?"
- Anon


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## Northerner

Keep 'em coming @Contused!


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## Contused

Some day 'ere she grows too antique,
My girl's hand in marriage I'll seek;
If she's not a cocquette,
Which I'd greatly regret,
She shall share my ten dollars a week.
- Anon


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## Contused

There was an old man who averred
He had learned how to fly like a bird;
Cheered by a few people,
He leapt from the steeple:
This tomb states the date it occurred.
- Anon


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## Contused

There was a young lady called Burton,
Who outraged the Fellows of Girton,
By cycling to town
Without wearing a gown
And, what's worse, without even a skirton.
- Anon


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## Contused

At Harvard, a naughty old Dean
Said, "The funniest jokes are obscene.
To bowdlerize wit
Takes the fun out of it;
Who wants a limerick clean?"
- Anon


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## Contused

An effeminate Fellow of Lincoln
One night did some serious drinkin',
Met a girl, now his wife,
Learned the true facts of life,
And blesses the day he got stinkin'.
- Anon


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## Contused

A baker from Chorlton-cum-Hardy
Was groping his girl 'neath her cardi.
"You damn bakers are pests,"
She complained. "Now my breasts
Are sadly both lumpy and lardy."
- Mantissa


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## Contused

A fellow with passions quite gingery
Was exploring his young sister's lingerie:
When with evident pleasure
He plundered her treasure,
Adding incest to insult and injury.
- Anon


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## Contused

The weatherman's forecast? Not right.
"Heavy rainfall," he'd said. It was light.
Claire, the anchor, drew stares
The next day, asking, "Where's
That eight inches you promised last night?"
- Anon

They say that astrologer Mary's
Prediction ability varies.
As one client wailed
When her forecasting failed,
"She can stick the thing right up her Aries."
- Tiddy Ogg


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## Contused

An actor, in furious rage,
Muttered this to an actress on stage,
"When I'd fallen for you,
I had thought forty-two
Was meant for your bust, not your age!"
- Anon


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## Contused

A famous theatrical actress
Played best in the role of malefactress.
Yet her home life was pure
Except, to be sure,
A scandal or two just for practice.
- Anon


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## Contused

There once was an anthologist who
Decided that nothing's taboo.
His words are so rude,
His verses so lewd,
I'm sure that they'll appeal to you.
- Anon


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## Contused

An authoress armed with a skewer
Once hunted a hostile reviewer.
"I'll teach him," she cried,
"When I've punctured his hide,
To call my last novel too pure."
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A baritone star of Havana
Slipped horribly on a banana.
He was sick for a year
Then resumed his career
As a promising lyric soprano.
- Anon


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## Contused

"My girlfriend wants me to ski,"
Said the flabby young cellist, "But Gee!
With Leopold Stokowski,
Mussorgsky, Tchaikovsky,
That's quite enough skiing for me."
- Anon


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## Contused

A conductor, with a voice like a hatchet
Observed to a cellist from Datchet,
"You have 'twixt your thighs,
My dear, a great prize,
And yet you just sit there and scratch it!"
- Anon


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## Contused

A contortionist let her act slip
Till her agent said, "Look, get a grip.
If you find the Klein bottle
Too hard, well then, what'll
You charge for a Möebius strip?"
- Anon


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## Contused

As Mozart composed a sonata,
The maid bent to fasten her garter.
Without much delay,
He started to play
_Un poco piu appassionata._
- Anon


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## Northerner

Contused said:


> As Mozart composed a sonata,
> The maid bent to fasten her garter.
> Without much delay,
> He started to play
> _Un poco piu appassionata._
> - Anon


I imagine you sat in a vast Georgian library, surrounded by volumes of limericks plucked from the far reaches of every continent


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## Contused

While browsing museums in France,
I gave their exhibits a glance.
My kindly advice
Is those paintings are nice,
But the statues are needing some pants.
- Anon


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## Contused

Did you hear of the musical bride?
She said to the groom at her side,
"I never could quite
Believe till tonight
Our two instruments would coincide."
- Anon


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## Contused

A cross-eyed old painter, McNeff,
Was colour-blind, palsied and deaf.
When he asked to be touted
The critics all shouted,
"This is art, with a capital F!"
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a sad poet from Hull,
Whose life was incredibly dull.
For most of the time
Her rhymes didn't rhyme.
On reading, the pleasure was null.
- Anon


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## Contused

Of a sudden, the great prima donna
Cried, "Gawd, but my voice is a goner!"
But a cat in the wings
Said, "I know how she sings."
And finished the solo with honour.
- Anon


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## Contused

Said Shakespeare, "I fear you're mistaken
If you think that my plays are by Bacon.
I'm writing a book
Proving Bacon's a crook
And his style's an obscure and opaque 'un."
- Anon


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## Contused

Some amateur players so brave,
A performance of Hamlet once gave.
Said a wag, "Now let's see
If it's Bacon or he,
I mean Shakespeare, who's turned in his grave."
- Anon


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## Contused

Great Titian was mixing rose madder
While his model reclined on a ladder.
The position, to Titian,
Suggested coition:
So he leapt up the ladder and 'ad 'er.
- Anon


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## Contused

Van Gogh, feeling devil-may-care,
Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'.
No one knows if this bloke
Perpetrated a joke,
Or the furniture needed repair.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A young violinist in Rio
Was seducing a lady called Cleo.
As he tore off her panties,
She moaned, "Please, no _andantes_,
I'd like this _allegro con brio_."
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A blonde woodwind player named June
Arrived at rehearsal too soon.
A man in the band
Put his flute in her hand,
And it changed to a contra-bassoon.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa;
And as the snake squeezed,
The old maid, not displeased,
Cried, "Darling! I love it! Samoa!"
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide.
- Anon


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## Contused

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That borascible person of Bangor.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
And never recovered his langour.
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!"
- Edward Lear

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Live inside it. It's frightfully weird."
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
And so do these rhymes, in despair!
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, "I will scratch it,"
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
- Edward Lear

There was an old man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea;
When he said, "I will scratch it,"
They gave him a hatchet,
And he cut his leg off at the knee.
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He danced hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He danced hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
But he wouldn't do anything riskier..
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
In fact, she became rather perky.
- Ronnie Barker


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## Contused

There was an old fossil named Lear,
Whose verses were boring and drear,
His last lines were worse,
Just the same as the first!
So I've tried to improve on them here.
- Ronnie Barker


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## Contused

The bustard’s a lucky old fowl.
He hasn’t a reason to howl,
Avoiding, you see,
Illegitimacy,
By the provident use of a vowel.
- Pacifist


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## Contused

If you wish to descend from a camel,
That oddly superior mammal,
You just have to jump
From the hump on his rump:
He won’t just stop dead like a tram’ll.
- Anon


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## Contused

Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly
I’ll take cats, though I can’t tell you why.
I’d not alter my course
For a dog or a horse,
Yet for one little pussy, I’d die!
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl of New Guinea,
Who got very large 'neath her pinny.
She thought it was wind,
But found she had sinned,
And she had it removed for a guinea.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A venturesome three-weeks-old chamois
Strayed off in the woods from his mamois,
And might have been dead
But some picknickers fed
Him with sandwiches, milk, and salamois.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

You mustn’t attempt to grab
A very bad-tempered crab.
For if you do,
I’m telling you,
Its pincers will give you a jab.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

You will find by the banks of the Nile
The haunts of the great crocodile.
He will welcome you in
With an innocent grin;
Which gives way to a satisfied smile.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Said the crow to the pelican, “Grant
Me the loan of your bill, for my Aunt
Has asked me to tea.”
Said the other, “Not me.
Ask my brother; for this pelican’t.”
- Anon

It’s easy to live with a djerbil:
His diet’s exclusively herbal.
He just munches and crunches
Long vegetable lunches
And charms every ear with his burble.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The elephant never forgets:
Neither messages, shopping or debts.
He can take in his trunk
A whole load of junk:
And the small ones make fabulous pets.
- Anon

A creature of charm is the gerbil.
Its diet is exclusively herbal.
It browses all day
On great bunches of hay
And parps with an elegant burble.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

You’d require an extremely long scarf
If you happened to be a giraffe.
They get very hoarse
In the winter, of course;
And a sore throat is no cause to laugh.
- Anon

There once was a very old gnu,
Who was used by a chef in some stew.
He should have been told
The gnu was too old:
For stews, only new gnus will do.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The village was giddy with rumours
Of a goat who was suffering from tumours.
Cans and library paste
Were quite to his taste,
But he choked on Elizabeth’s bloomers.
- Anon

A menagerie came to Cape Race
Where they loved the gorilla’s grimace.
It surprised them to learn
That he owned the concern.
He was human, in spite of his face!
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There once was a blooming great auk.
Couldn’t fly; and it hardly could walk.
The ignorant Picts
Used to beat it with sticks
For the pleasure of hearing it squawk.
- Anon

Consider the poor hippopotamus:
His life is unduly monotonous.
He lives half asleep
At the edge of the deep,
And his face is as big as his bottom is.
- Anon

If you meet with the Indian rhinoceros
You might think he just looks prepos’erous.
But how would you like
A nose with a spike?
It would make even Gandhi ferocerous.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There once was an orang-outingue
Who would eat nothing else but meringue.
He sat on the floor
And ate forty-four
Till the stupid old monkey went bingue.
- Anon

There once was a plesiosaurus
Who lived when the world was all porous.
But it fainted with shame
When it first heard its name,
And departed long ages before us.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

An adventurous fun-loving polyp
Propositioned a cute little scallop
Down under the sea;
“Nothing doing,” said she;
“By Triton, you think I’m a trollop?”
- Anon

A French poodle espied in the hall
A pool that a damp gamp let fall,
And said, “Ah, oui, oui!
This time it’s not me,
But I’m bound to be blamed for it all.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A nasty old man of Cologne
Purchased all of his pastry by phone.
When they sent him a muffin,
He got all in a huff 'n
Insisted he'd ordered a scone.
- James Drinards


----------



## Contused

It is the unfortunate habit
Of the rabbit to breed like a rabbit.
One can say without question
This leads to congestion
In the burrows that rabbits inhabit.
- Anon

The thoughts of the rabbit on sex
Are seldom, if ever, complex.
For a rabbit in need
Is a rabbit indeed,
And does just as a person expects.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Two roosters were bragging away,
Of their talent for waking the day.
As they stood there aghast,
Dawn sneaked quietly past
And was announced by a donkey’s loud bray.
- Anon

An alluring young shoat of Paris
Fills all of her suitors with glee,
For when they implore
Her to give a bit more,
She invariably answers, “Oui, oui.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

From a tree hung a queer three-toed sloth,
Who to move was exceedingly wroth.
But up in the tree
He spied him a she
And combined the best features of both.
- Anon

If there’s one thing that Nature has taught us
It’s the virtues of being a tortoise.
They can slumber, I hear,
More than half of the year
In the depths of their snug winter-quartoise.
- Anon


----------



## C&E Guy

There once was a small man called Gandhi
Who went into a bar for a shandy.
He used his lion cloth
To wipe off the froth,
And the barman said, "Blimey! That's handy!"


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Banker
Who slept while her yacht lay at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
When she heard some man say,
“Hey! Hoist up the top sheet and spanker!”
- Anon

A Turk named Abdullah Ben Barum
Had sixty-five wives in his harem.
When his favourite horse died,
“Mighty Allah,” he cried,
“Take a few of my wives. I can spare ’em.”
- Anon

A buxom young typist named Baynes
At her work took particular pains.
She was good at dictations
And long explanations,
But she ran more to bosom than brains.
- Anon


----------



## C&E Guy

There was a young girl from Cathay
On a slow boat to China one day
Was trapped at the tiller
By a sex-starved gorilla
And China's a bloody long way!

Spike Milligan


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Beaton
Whose figure had plenty of meat on.
She said, “Marry me Jack
And you’ll find that my back
Is perfect to warm your cold feet on.”
- Anon

A pretty young teacher named Beauchamp
Said, “These awful boys! How shall I teauchamp?
I try to look grave
But they will not behave,
Though with tears in my eyes I beseauchamp.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A certain young chap named Bill Beebee
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
“But,” said he, “I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee.”
- Anon

I teach software to sit up and beg,
But last session I sure laid an egg.
My OS last night
Learned to bark, growl, and bite.
Now the PC is mounting my leg!
- Anon


----------



## Contused

God’s plan made a hopeful beginning
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God’s glory,
But at present the other side’s winning.
- Anon

There was a young man from Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
He went, just for fun,
Dressed up as a bun,
And a dog ate him up in the hall.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Bengal
Who went to a masquerade ball
Arrayed like a tree,
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs in the hall.
- Anon

There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted.
He went to a party,
And ate just as hearty
As if he’d been really invited.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man who was bitten
By twenty-two cats and a kitten.
Cried he, “It is clear
My end is quite near.
No matter! I’ll die like a Briton!”
- Anon

There was an eccentric old boffin
Who remarked, in a fine fit of coughing,
“It isn’t the cough
That carries you off:
It’s the coffin they carry you off in.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Two beauties who dwelt by the Bosphorous
Had eyes that were brighter than phosphorous.
The Sultan cried, “Troth!
I’ll marry you both!”
But they laughed, “I’m afraid you must toss for us.”
- Anon

Softly seductive young Brenda
Wants a man who is sweet, kind and tender,
And thoughtful and bright,
And sexually right.
But mostly a very big spender.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The sea captain’s tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels,
Had discovered a dark place to hide
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A girl while attending Bryn Mawr
Was pinched by her low strapless bra.
She loosened one wire,
Whereupon the entire
Dress fell, and left her quite raw.
- Anon

A naughty old colonel of Butte
Had a habit his friends thought was cute.
He’d slip off to Spokane
And proceed from the train
To a house of distinct ill-repute.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a mechanic of Alnwick
Whose feelings were anti-Germanic.
So when war had begun,
He constructed a gun
Whose dimensions were simply titanic.
- Anon

A barber who lived in Belgravia,
Well known for his faultless behaviour,
Remarked to a baboon
Who came in his saloon,
“Do sit down, but I’m damned if I’ll shave yer.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There’s a young man who lives in Belsize
Who believes he is clever and wise.
Now, what do you think?
He saves gallons of ink
By simply not dotting his i’s.
- Anon

A religious young lady from Berwick
Conceived a great love for a cleric.
But on finding this curate
Just wouldn’t endure it,
Her passions grew truly Homeric.
- Anon

There was an old man from Bicester,
Walking one day with his sister,
When a bull with one poke
Tossed her into an oak,
And the silly old bloke never missed her.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

When her daughter got married in Bicester,
A mother remarked as she kissed her,
“That fellow you’ve won
Is sure to be fun.
Since tea he’s kissed me and your sister.”
- Anon

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he, with a start,
“Oh, Lord bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath!”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Cheadle
Who sat down in church on a needle.
Though deeply embedded,
’Twas luckily threaded,
So she had it removed by a beadle.
- Anon

A sensitive lady from Chelsea
Once spent a weekend at Selsea.
When asked if alone,
She said, “Mind your own,
I’m just not going to tell, see!”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Cheltenham
Put on tights just to see how she felt in ’em.
But she said with a shout,
“If you don’t pull me out,
I’m sure I’ll jolly soon melt in ’em.”
- Anon

A handsome young gasman from Chester
Surprised a blonde housewife called Hester.
Said he, “This is sweeter
Than reading your meter.”
So they then took a lengthy siesta.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Chichester
Who made all the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins
Her breasts in white satin
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s breeches stir.
- Anon

There was a prim lady from Chiswick
Who consulted a Doctor of Physwick.
Her tested her hormones
And sexual performones,
Then prescribed her a strong aphrodiswick.
- Anon

An innocent lady in Cicester
One day asked an elderly visitor,
“Now why’s it illicit
For a girl to solicit -
When a man may become a solicitor?”
- Anon

(Note: Cirencester in Gloucestershire is often pronounced as Cicester by locals. Don't ask me why.)


----------



## Contused

There once was a Vicar of Climping
Who earned tons of money from pimping.
When his Bishop asked why,
       He replied with a sigh,
“Well, you can’t have a man of God skimping.”
- Anon

There was a young woman of Clun
Who must have weighed half a ton.
She ate lots of mutton
And burst every button,
Saying, “Woe is me, I am undone!”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady from Coleshill
Who incautiously sat on a moleshill.
An inquisitive mole
Poked his nose out the hole.
The gal’s OK but the mole’s been a little off-colour since.
- Anon

There’s a village called ‘Come to the Good’
Where the people don’t do as they should.
Every lad and his dad
Has gone to the bad,
And the women would too, if they could.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Condover
Whose husband had ceased to be fond of her.
He could not forget
He had wooed a brunette,
But peroxide had now made a blonde of her.
- Anon

There was a young man from Datchett
Who cut off his toe with a hatchet.
He then said, “Oh no!
I’ve cut off my toe
And I can’t get another to match it.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said, “Although pain isn’t real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."
- Anon

An odd-looking girl from Devizes
Had eyes of two different sizes.
The one was so small,
It was nothing at all;
But the other took several prizes.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Devizes
Whose appearance was full of surprises.
His nose was askew
Only one eye was blue,
And his eyes quite different sizes.
- Anon

There was a young fellow from Diss
Who asked his friend’s wife for a kiss.
Said the young lady, “This is
All wrong for a missus,
When a Miss is no longer a Miss.”
- Anon

A fellow from Dunston-on-Tyne
Put his head on the North-Eastern line;
But he died of _ennui_,
For the 5:53
Didn’t come till a quarter past nine.
- Anon


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I like the last one


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I like the last one


Yes, me too. It's been one of my favourites for many years.


----------



## Contused

A knight in a chapel near Ealing,
Who had spent several centuries kneeling,
Said, “Please keep off my ass
When you’re rubbing my brass.
It gives me a very strange feeling.”
- Anon

There was a young lady of Ealing
Who walked up and down on the ceiling.
She shouted, “Oh heck!
I’ve broken my neck,
And it is a peculiar feeling.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Eton,
Whose figure had plenty of meat on.
She said, “Marry me, dear,
And you’ll find that my rear
Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on.”
- Anon

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty the men craned their necks at her;
And one was so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham
Went out for a walk but it bored ’em.
And on their way back,
A sex maniac
Leapt out from some trees and ignored ’em.
- Anon

A wanton young lady from Frimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Said, “Heavens above!
I know sex isn’t love,
But it’s such an entrancing facsimile.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

An old couple living in Gloucester
Had a beautiful girl, but they lost her.
She fell from a yacht,
And never the spot
Could be found where the cold waves had tossed her.
- Anon

A young man of Gloucester named Foucester,
Had a wife who ran off with a coucester.
He traced her to Leicester
And tried to arreicester;
But in spite of his efforts, he loucester.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady from Harrow,
Who complained that her mouth was too narrow;
For times without number
She ate a cucumber
But she never could manage a marrow.
- Anon

There was an old lady of Harrow
Whose views were exceedingly narrow.
At the end of her paths
She built two bird baths
For the different sexes of sparrow.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Harwich
Who behaved very bad at her marriage.
She proceeded on skates
To the parish church gates,
While her friends followed on in a carriage.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Havant
Who slept with an impotent savant.
Said she, “Yes, we shouldn’t.
But it turned out he couldn’t.
So you can’t say we have, when we haven’t.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A heavenly seaport called Hull
Is lively, and not at all dull.
It has lots of fish,
A very nice dish,
Which I’ll happily eat till I’m full.
- Anon

There was an old barber from Hythe
Who shaved stubbly chins with a scythe.
He said, “It comes cheaper
Than using a reaper,
Though it does make the customers writhe.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady from Ipswich,
Who grew famous for making her hips twitch,
While shedding her clothes,
Which, as one might suppose,
Were held on by no more that a slip stitch.
- Anon

The bride of a banker in Iver,
Took on a small bet for a fiver,
Straight after the marriage,
She stripped in the carriage
And drove from the church like Godiva.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Jarrow
Whose mouth was exceedingly narrow.
She ate with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
But all she could eat was the marrow.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Keighley
Whose principle charms in her teeth lay.
When they fell on her plate
She called out, “I hate
Mithhaps of thith kind, they are beathly.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

An unfortunate deaf mute from Kew
Was trying out signs that were new.
He did them so fast
That his fingers at last
Got tangled, and he fractured a few.
- Anon

There once was a young man from Leeds,
Who got stung in the neck by a wasp.
When asked if it hurt,
He replied, “Not at all.
It can do it again if it likes.”
- Schinderhannes


----------



## Contused

There was a young person of Leigh,
Who was neither a he nor a she.
I think it’s terrific
To be non-specific
Gender-wise. Don’t you agree?
- Anon

There was an old lady of Lincoln,
Who made a considerable stink on
The subject of furs,
For that young niece of hers
Had run off with nothing but mink on.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why the third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
- Anon

Said a gleeful young man from Lyme Bay,
“This is rather a red-letter day;
For I’ve poisoned with sherbert
My rich Uncle Herbert,
Whose health never seemed to decay.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Mullion,
Intent upon marrying bullion.
By some dreadful fluke,
She jilted a Duke
And had to elope with a scullion.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Norwood
Whose ways were provokingly forward.
Said her mother, “My dear,
You wiggle, I fear,
Your posterior just like a whorewood.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Ongar
Who had to be barred from the conga.
The heat of the dance
Made his trousers advance,
As the conga got longer and longer.
- Anon

A cannibal bold of Penzance
Ate an uncle and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
An ox and a half;
And now he can’t button his pants.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

On May Day the girls of Penzance,
Being bored by a lack of romance,
Joined the workers’ parade
With this banner displayed:
“What the Pants of Penzance Need Is Ants.”
- Anon

A rash young lady of Ryde
Ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Whose locks were consid’rably dyed.
The hue of her hair
Made everyone stare,
“She’s piebald, she’ll die bald!” they cried.
- Anon

There was a young lady from Rye
With a shape like a capital ‘I’.
When they said, “It’s too bad.”
She learned how to pad.
Which shows you that figures can lie.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of St. Bees
Who was stung on the nose by a wasp.
When asked, “Does it hurt?”
He replied, “No it doesn’t,
But I’m jolly glad it wasn’t a hornet.”
- Anon

A drunken old tar from St. Clement’s,
To ward off the scurvy, sucked lemons.
“With my health unimpaired,
I’ll have time,” he declared,
“To die of Delirium Tremens.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Was tattoed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same list of prices in Braille.
- Anon

He stands on Scotch Corner to beg.
The poor guy ain’t got but one leg.
For food he will work.
At day’s end, the jerk
Just pulls off and stows his fake peg.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Seaton
Who asked for a chair, once she’d eaten.
When told by her son,
“You’re sitting on one.”
Said she, “It’s for putting my feet on.”
- Anon

A contemptuous matron in Shoreham
Behaved with extreme indecorum.
She snapped a sarcastic
And secret elastic
Throughout the community forum.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
Made brown paper trousers and woreham.
He looked nice and neat
Till he bent in the street
To pick up a pin; then he toreham.
- Anon

An eccentric old person of Slough
Who took all his meals with a cow,
Always said, “It’s uncanny,
She’s so like Aunt Fanny,”
But he would never indicate how.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Sots Hole
Who had an affair with a mole.
Though a bit of a nancy
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role.
- Anon

A spinster from Southend-on-Sea
Was oenocologically twee.
She often would say
Of her pink negligee,
“It’s my dear little _Côtes de Nuit_.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The wife of a farmer in Stoke,
Always one for a dubious joke,
Caught his sow in the act -
And reported the fact
To her spouse as ‘a pig in a poke’.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Strood
Who was almighty fussy with food.
The meat she would eat,
An occasional treat,
Had to be most carefully stewed.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Tottenham,
Who’d no manners, or else she’d forgotten ’em.
At tea at the vicar’s,
She tore off her knickers,
Because, she explained, she felt ’ot in ’em!
- Anon

A teacher of tots at Uttoxeter,
Who chucked their building blocks at her,
Was thinking, “Aggression
Is just self-expression,”
When a volley of paperback Spocks hit her.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Wantage,
Of whom the Town Clerk took advantage.
Said the County Surveyor,
“Of course you must pay her:
You’ve altered the line of her frontage.”
- Anon

There was a young girl of West Ham
Who hastily jumped on a tram.
When she had embarked
The conductor remarked,
“Your fare, Miss.” She answered, “I am.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A singular fellow of Weston
Has near fifty feet of intestine;
Though a signal success
In the medical press,
It isn’t much good for digestin’.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Whitby,
Who had the bad luck to be hit by
Two brown little things
Without any wings,
And now she’s uncomfy to sit by.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Worcester
Who dreamt that a rooster seduced her.
She woke with a scream,
But ’twas only a dream.
A lump in the mattress had goosed her.
- Anon

There was a dumb lady from York,
Who at flesh to flesh contact would baulk.
“Don’t you think that you are,”
Said she, “Going too far?
Why can’t we just sit here and talk?”
- Anon

There was a young lady of York
Who was shortly expecting the stork,
When the doctor walked in
With a businesslike grin,
A pickaxe, a spade, and a fork.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

An amorous maiden antique
Locked a man in her house for a week.
He entered her door
With a shout and a roar,
But his exit was marked by a squeak.
- Anon

There was an old man of Belfast,
Whose active sex life was so vast,
He was glad he’d worked through
To a spry ninety-two,
When his lust was declining at last.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow from Croydon
Whose cook was a cute little hoyden.
She would sit on his knees
While shelling the peas,
Or pleasanter duties employed on.
- Anon

In Summer he said she was fair,
In Autumn her charms were still there;
But he said to his wife
In the Winter of life,
“There’s no Spring in your old _derrière_.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Though her hair was really quite grey,
She’d great legs and a charming bouquet.
She also was graced
With a long aftertaste
And she certainly went all the way.
- Anon

A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
The preacher yelled, “Sin!”
She said, “Count me in!
As soon as the service is through!”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Pitlochry
Whose morals were truly a mockery,
For under the bed
Was a lover instead
Of the usual porcelain crockery.
- Anon

There was an old maid of Vancouver,
Who captured a man by manoeuvre.
She jumped on his knee
With some rare _eau de vie_,
And nothing on earth could remove her.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Said a widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
“It’s been hard since I lost him,
So I’ll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price.”
- Anon

Till explained by that wise Dr. X,
What did grandmama know about sex?
And poor grandfather too,
Did he know what to do?
Or, when at it, forsee its effects?
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There once was a baby of yore
Whose parents found it a bore,
And being afraid
It might be mislaid
They stored it away in a drawer.
- Anon

They say that I was, in my youth,
Uncouth and ungainly, forsooth.
I can only reply,
“’Tis a lie, ’tis a lie!
I was couth, I was perfectly couth.”
- Anon

There was a young lady of Ypres
Who was shot through both cheeks by some snipers.
The tunes that she played
Through the holes that they made
Beat the Argyll and Sutherland Pipers.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Who’d wish to be wed to Xantippe?
When Socrates took his last sip, he
Died slowly, feet first.
After which his wife cursed
And remarked that her husband was lippy.
- Anon

An ardent young acolyte named Xavier,
Dedicated his soul to the Saviour.
Then a dame taught that boy
Matrimonial joy.
My God! how the Saviour’s lost favier.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Said a foolish householder of Wales,
“An odour of coal gas prevails.”
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.
- Anon

There was a young man at the War Office
Whose brain was no good as a store office.
Every warning severe
Just went in at one ear
And out at the opposite orifice.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Weir
Who hadn’t an atom of fear;
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire,
’Most any last line will do here.
- Anon

There was a young lady called Wemyss
Who, it semyss, was afflicted with dremyss.
She would wake in the night
And in terrible fright,
Shake the bemyss of the house with her scremyss.
- Anon


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I hypo again and again:
All these lows are a serious pain.
I stuff sugar until
I feel queasy and ill,
And I think that it's rotting my brain 

Alternative version on the e-less thread here!


----------



## Wirrallass

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I hypo again and again:
> All these lows are a serious pain.
> I stuff sugar until
> I feel queasy and ill,
> And I think that it's rotting my brain
> 
> Alternative version on the e-less thread here!


You're a poet and don't know it J  more please!


----------



## Contused

Rebecca, a silly young wench,
Went out on the Thames to catch tench.
When the boat was upset,
She exclaimed, I regret,
A five-letter word - and in French!
- Anon

Sighed a newly-wed damsel from Wheeling,
“A honeymoon seemed so appealing.
But for nearly two weeks
I’ve heard only bed squeaks,
And seen nothing but cracks in the ceiling.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There once was a spinster from Wheeling,
Endowed with such delicate feeling
That she thought any chair
Should not have its legs bare,
So she kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling.
- Anon

There’s an over-sexed lady named Whyte
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar
Had the brashness to wed her.
His chance of survival is slight.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Willy
Who acted remarkably silly.
At a UNESCO ball
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed that his costume was Chile.
- Anon

There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked to the Highlands on stilts.
When they said, “Oh, how shocking,
To show so much stocking.”
She answered, “Well, what about kilts?”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Wyatt
Who kept a big girl on the quiet;
But down on the wharf
He kept also a dwarf,
In case he should go on a diet.
- Anon

There was a young lady called Wylde,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Valerie,
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
“If you lose half your bust,
Then you’re worth only half of your salary.”
- Anon

A Kentucky-bound author named Vaughan,
Whose style often savoured of scorn,
Soon inscribed in his journals,
“Here the corn’s full of kernels,
And the Colonels are all full of corn.”
- Anon

There was a young lady of Venice,
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.
When they said, “It seems wrong.”
She remarked, “Go along!
You don’t know how prolific my hen is!”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candour.
When, hurling abuse,
I shouted, “You goose!”
She quickly retorted, “You gander!”
- Anon

A philosopher from the Ukraine
Told his acolytes, “Never again!
I seek the sublime
Not in women and wine,
But through exercise of my brain.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A Queen of old Egypt, called Cleo
Conducted her loving _‘con brio’_.
She felt quite at home in
The arms of one Roman
But preferred to be part of a trio.
- Anon

There was a young fellow of Lyme
Who lived with three wives at a time.
When asked, “Why the third?”
He replied, “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Susan,
Who found it completely amusin’
To make love with three men.
Although who did what when
Was frequently rather confusin’.
- Anon

“Far dearer to me than my treasure,”
Miss Guggenheim said, “Is my leisure.
For then I review
The whole Harvard crew -
They’re slow, but it lengthens the pleasure.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Tarentum,
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent ’em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost,
He replied, “I can’t say. I just rent ’em.”
- Anon

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings internal
Were something infernal
And everyone thought it was me!
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Tashkent
Who slept with twelve goats in a tent.
When asked, “Do they smell?”
He said, “Oh, yes, quite well,
But so far they don’t mind my scent.”
- Anon

There were once two young people of taste
Who were beautiful down to the waist.
So they limited love
To the regions above,
And thus remained perfectly chaste.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Now here is a real hard brain teaser:
A guy meets a girl, wants to please her.
Should he offer dinner
In order to win her,
Or pounce like a randy old geezer?
- Anon

Her boyfriend gave our niece Teresa,
Many rings, studs, and such-like to please her.
But one day of course,
All the magnetic force
Meant we found her stuck fast to the freezer.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A pitiful case is old Tex,
With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
And biceps the size
Of a weightlifter’s thighs,
For he’s thinking of changing his sex!
- Anon

A lady who lived by the Thames
Had a gorgeous collection of gems.
She had them reset
In a large coronet
And a number of small diadems.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A husband who lived in Tiberias
Once laughed himself nearly delirious;
But he laughed at his wife,
Who took a sharp knife
With results that were quite deleterious.
- Anon

There was a young man from Toledo
Who travelled about incognito;
The reason he did
Was to bolster his id
While appeasing his savage libido.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young hooker… Tut tut!
You think that you’re in for some smut?
Some rude crescendo?
Lewd innuendo?
You’re wrong. This is anything but.
- Anon

There was a young angler of Worthing,
Who dug up ten worms and a fur thing.
He said, “How I wish
Eleven fine fish
Would snap up these things I’m unearthing.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A batsman who was on the large side
Was ragged by an opponent who cried,
“When he’s at the wicket,
It’s not really cricket.
Is that what you mean by a ‘wide’?”
- Anon

A golfer went right up the wall
Whenever he’d sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advice to a Pro,
But he didn’t know what protocol.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Now what in the world shall we dioux
With the bloody and murderous Sioux,
Who some time ago
Took an arrow and bow
And raised such a hellabelioux?
- Eugene Field

All new-fashioned boats he eschiouxs,
And uses the birch-bark caniouxs;
These are handy and light,
And, inverted at night,
Give shelter from storms and from dyiouxs.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A wandering tribe, called the Siouxs,
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs.
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hiouxs.
- Anon

When out on the warpath, the Siouxs
March single file - never by tiouxs -
And by ‘blazing’ the trees
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forests ne’er liouxs.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A poodle was charged by the law
With resembling Hall Caine. With his paw
Pressed close to his forehead,
He sobbed, “Yes, it’s horrid,
But at least I’m not George Bernard Shaw!”
- Coulson Kernahan

There was a young man of Moose Jaw
Who wanted to meet Bernard Shaw;
When they questioned him, “Why?”
He made no reply,
But sharpened an axe and a saw.
- Punch (1918)

Than Shakespeare I’m greater by far.
I am always produced by a star.
My plots he can find ’em -
For I am behind ’em.
It’s ‘in front’ they don’t know what they are!
- Patrick Braybrooke


----------



## Contused

There was an old man from Nepal,
Couldn’t get Chomsky’s wavelength at all.
While Teilhard du Chardin
Led him right up the jardin,
Levi-Strauss drove him straight up the wall.
- Anon

A fencing instructor named Fisk
In duels was terribly brisk.
So fast was his action
The Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
- Anon


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I like the Punch one


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I like the Punch one


I once met a young woman from Moose Jaw, who had walked or, rather, had hiked along the great length of shoreline on St. James Bay, a 'small' part of Hudson Bay. I wrote the following not entirely unique limerick for her…

A silken young miss from Moose Jaw
Tramped around St. James Bay’s long shore.
When an elk ate her hat,
She cried, “’Nuff of that!”
And sharpened her axe and her saw.
- Contused (long ago)


----------



## TheClockworkDodo




----------



## Contused

There was a professor called Dingle,
Who made physicists’ nerve-endings tingle.
His travelling clocks
Caused grave mental blocks
In those who felt time should stay single.
- Anon





“The order of Nature,” quoth he,
“Is wond’rously brought home to me		
When I think that my clock
With each tick and each tock
Goes two *pi* times the root of 1 over *g*.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

Having received a bottle by Klein,
An Acme product, quite fine,
If dimensionally able,
I shall place on a table
And admire for a mighty long time.
- Anon





I’m very happy to say
My Klein bottle got here today.
It’s really quite fine,
This bottle by Klein,
In an odd topological way.
- Anon





Mathematicians try hard to floor us
With a non-orientable torus.
The bottle of Klein,
They say is divine,
But it is so exceedingly porous.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young student of Crewe
Who learned how to count in Base Two.
His sums were all done
With a zero and one,
And he found it much simpler to do.
- Anon

Though the mathematician, Melissa,
Could find any number’s mantissa,
Her graphing was strange,
For she’d interchange
The ordinate and the abscissa.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A mathematician confided
That a Möbius band is one-sided.
You will get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided.
- Anon





A German topologist named Klein
Thought the Möbius loop was divine.
Said he, “If you glue
The edges of two,
You’ll get a weird bottle like mine.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Queens
Whose perpetual motion machines
Would move forward by jerks,
For he kept in the works
The best Mexican high-jumping beans.
- Anon

A rocket explorer named Wright
Once travelled much faster than light.
He set out one day
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

As Bradley is said to have said,
“If I think that I’m lying in bed
With this girl that I feel,
And can touch, is it real -
Or just going on in my head?”
- Anon

A young English woman named St. John
Met a red-skinned American injun,
Who made her his bride,
And gave her beside
A dress with a gaudy bead fringe on.
- Anon


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I've been going through my Dad's old books, and just found this:

There was a young cleric called Glover
Who bowled twenty-one wides in one over
Which had never been done
By a clergyman's son
On a Thursday, in August, at Dover


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I've been going through my Dad's old books, and just found this:
> 
> There was a young cleric called Glover
> Who bowled twenty-one wides in one over
> Which had never been done
> By a clergyman's son
> On a Thursday, in August, at Dover


That's new to me. Brilliant! Keep 'em coming…


----------



## Contused

There once was a seamstress who said,
“Forget the plain needle and thread.
Give me needles of gold,
Dyed silks pale and bold,
And I’ll stitch till I’m blind or I’m dead.”
- Anon

There was an old lady who said,
When she found a thief under her bed,
“Get up from the floor;
You’re too near the door,
And you may catch a cold in your head.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of St. Kitts,
Who was very much troubled with fits;
The eclipse of the moon
Threw him into a swoon;
When he tumbled and broke into bits.
- Anon

In the turbulent turgid St. Lawrence
Fell a luscious young damsel named Florence,
Where poor famished fish
Made this beautiful dish
An object of utter abhorrence.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from St. Paul
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball;
But her dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
- Anon

In her bed, a young girl from St. Thomas
Once found a strange pair of pyjamas.
Said the girl, “Well, well, well,
Whose they are, I can’t tell.
But surely those garments aren’t Mamma’s.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A young boy at Sault Ste. Marie
Said, “Spelling is all Greek to me,
Till they learn to spell ‘Soo’
Without any ‘u’,
Or an ‘a’ or an ‘l’ or a ‘t’!”
- Anon

A lady removing her scanties
Heard them crackle electrical shanties.
Said her husband, “My dear,
I very much fear
You suffer from amps in your panties.”
- Anon


----------



## mikeyB

That’s volts, not amps, said she,
I’ve got my Physics GCSE
So if you rub me up right
Then turn out the light 
You’ll see all the blue sparks for free


----------



## Contused

A bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarrelled, I’m told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
- Anon

A Korean whose home was in Seoul
Had notions uncommonly droll:
He’d get himself stewed
And pose in the nude
On top of a telephone pole.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

A girl from Chicago’s south side,
Ate a mess of green apples and died.
While her friends all lamented,
The apples fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
- Anon

A young man from a lofty sierra
Found sex both a puzzle and terror.
But he met with a lass
In a similar pass
And they both learned by trial and by error.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Sistall
Who shot three old maids with a pistol.
When ’twas known what he’d done,
He was given a gun
By the unmarried curates of Bristol.
- Anon

There was a young writer named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
We knew that he did it;
He couldn’t have hid it…
The question was only who with.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

I know a cross-stitcher who smokes,
She stitches and twitches and chokes.
She also likes gin,
Unrepentable sin,
Poodles and noodles and blokes.
- Anon

I dislike all those flurries of snow
When a freeze makes a man, well… you know,
Wither like a raisin.
It’s really amazin’
There exist any young Eskimo.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from South Bay,
Making fireworks one summer day.
He dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar…
There *WAS* a young man from South Bay.
- Anon

There once was a young man named Steve
Whose manners were hard to believe.
He’d never say, “Please,”
Or beg pardon to sneeze,
And he’d shine up his shoes on your sleeve.
- Anon


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I like the first one of those


----------



## Contused

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
- Anon

A young schizophrenic named Struther
When told of the death of his mother,
Said, “Yes, it’s too bad,
But I can’t feel too sad,
After all, I still have each other.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drinkers.
They worshipped the sun
And had lots of fun,
But the peons all thought them great stinkers.

An Aztec once quite in a trance
Ate a peon and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
A goat and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.

While searching on Google, one finds
That the Mayans had Gods of all kinds.
Gods of Wind, Sun and War
Show their piety, or
Else they just had deity minds.


----------



## Contused

A young man called Cholmondeley Colquhoun
Kept as a pet, a babolquhoun.
His mother said, “Cholmondeley,
Do you think it colmondeley
To feed your babolquhoun with a spolquhoun?”

I once had a date with a ferret,
Thus earning the Order of Merit.
For dating a bee,
I got the VC,
Which my offspring will one day inherit.


----------



## Contused

Said Dolly, a woolly Welsh lassie,
“The boys say I’ve got quite a chassis,
And to spruce up my bleat
If I want to compete,
’Cos the rams think I’m too big and sassy.”

A disgusting old man from Loyola
Has a habit that’s sure to annola.
Before telling a joke,
He’ll give you a poke
And remark, “This’ll surely distrola!”


----------



## Contused

I woke when the dawn was still pearly
With headache, and feeling quite surly,
But it made me feel nice
Many took my advice:
“Get out there, vote often, and early!”

“You’ll go blind if you keep chasing lasses,”
Mother said, in a voice that harasses.
I’ll carry on wooing
And mind what I’m doing.
I’ll just catch a few, and wear glasses.


----------



## Contused

As the smoke from her stove billowed black
A dazed wife in Tibet cried, “Alack,”
To her husband, “Oh, please,
Call and order Chinese,
It’s a cinder! Oh, my baking yak!”

A graduate student from Trinity
Computed the cube of infinity.
It gave him the fidgets
To write all those digits,
So he quit and then took up divinity.


----------



## Contused

There once was a young man from Beale,
Who slipped on a stray orange peel.
He fell on his seat,
Passed out from the heat
And made a large bear a nice meal.

A lively young damsel named Menzies
Inquired, “Do you know what this thenzies?”
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied, “It’s a wasp,
And you’re holding the end where the stenzies.”

(Menzies is pronounced Mingis, as in Sir Menzies Campbell's first name)


----------



## Contused

A glutton who came from the Rhine
Was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”

A King who never could rhyme,
Declared limerick writing a crime,
But late in the night,
All the scribes would write,
Poems without rhyme or meter.


----------



## Contused

A young violinist in Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she took down her panties,
She said, “No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio.”

A certain young laddie named Robbie
Rode his steed back and forth in the lobby.
When they told him, “Indoors
Is no place for a horse.”
He replied, “Well you see it’s my hobby.”


----------



## Contused

An important young man from Quebec
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.
So he bought for a dollar
A very high collar
To save himself washing his neck.

There was a young lady named Rood,
Who was such an absolute prude
That she pulled down the blind
When changing her mind
Lest a curious eye should intrude.


----------



## Contused

A Tory, once out in his motor,
Ran over a Socialist voter.
“Thank goodness,” he cried,
“He was on the wrong side.
So I don’t blame myself one iota.”

There’s an old Irish word meaning thief,
Four letters, quite pithy and brief.
I tell you no lie,
It’s T-O-R-Y.
Now doesn’t that beggar belief?


----------



## Contused

When you go to a store in Ascutney,
There is no use to ask them for chutney.
You may plea, you may tease,
You may go on your knees:
It will do you no good, they ain’t got any.

At the village emporium in Woodstock
Of chutney they keep quite a good stock;
They’re more given to gluttony
Than the folk of Ascutney,
Who neither of liquors or foods talk.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Diss
Who asked his friend’s wife for a kiss.
Said the young lady, “This is
All wrong for a missus,
When a miss is no longer a Miss.”

Her husband was forced to assist her
In restraining the lecherous Mister.
Said he, “Please desist -
She dislikes being kissed -
You’ll have to make do with her sister.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Gloucester
Whose wife ran away with a coucester.
He traced her to Leicester
And tried to arreicester;
But in spite of his efforts, he loucester.

She turned up soon after in Bicester
Where the coucester was seen to have kicester.
He caught her at Worcester,
Where roundly he gorcester;
And finally married her sicester.


----------



## Contused

There once was a man who said, “God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there’s no one about in the Quad.”
- Ronald Knox

“Dear Sir, Your astonishment’s odd;
I’m always about in the Quad;
And that’s why the tree
Will continue to be
Since observed by yours faithfully, God.”
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Oporto,
Who daily got shorter and shorter.
The reason, he said,
Was the hod on his head,
Which was filled with the heaviest mortar.
- Lewis Carroll

His sister, Lucy O'Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner.
The reason was plain:
She slept out in the rain
And was never allowed any dinner.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

These rhymes were designed by a priest,
To affect your religion like yeast;
If they help it to grow,
Like the yeast in the dough,
There’ll be one better Christian, at least.
- G. L. P.

These verses, one can but surmise,
Were not meant for clerical eyes.
Should the Bishop and Dean
Find out what they mean
They ought to turn pink with surprise.
- Anon


----------



## Contused

There was an old man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a bee.
When they said, “Does it buzz?”
He replied, “Yes, it does!
It’s a regular brute of a bee.”
- Edward Lear

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a Wasp.
When they asked, “Does it hurt?”
He replied, “No, it doesn’t;
I’m so glad that it wasn’t a Hornet.”
- W. S. Gilbert


----------



## Contused

Oh, my name is John Wellington Wells,
I’m a dealer in magic and spells,
In blessings and curses,
And ever-filled purses,
In prophecies, witches, and knells.
- W. S. Gilbert

My name it is Aleister Crowley,
I’m a master of Magick unholy,
Of philtres and pentacles,
Covens, conventicles;
Of basil, nepenthe, and moly.
- Aleister Crowley


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl with the bucket)
And he said to the man,
“You’re welcome to Nan.”
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
And Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.


----------



## Contused

Rosalina, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ass.
Not rounded and pink
As you possibly think;
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young man named Colquhoun
Who kept as a pet a baboon.
His mother said, “Cholmondeley,
I don’t think it’s quite comely
To feed your baboon with a spoon.”


----------



## Contused

There was an old fossil of Frome,
Who kept a baboon in his room.
“It reminds me,” he said,
“Of a friend who is dead.”
But he never would tell us of whom.

A cat in despondency sighed
And resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
Of eight automobiles,
And after the ninth one, she died.


----------



## Contused

There was a young curate of Kew
Who kept a tom-cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
Alphabetical Greek -
But it never got further than µ.

A certain old maid in Cohoes
In despair taught her bird to propose;
But the parrot, dejected
At being accepted,
Spoke some lines too profane to disclose.


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

I love the µ one!


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I love the µ one!


Yes, it's a lovely old classic


----------



## Contused

There once was a sailor named Pink
Whose mates rushed him off to the clink.
Said he, “I’ve a skunk
As a pet in my bunk,
That’s no reason for raising a stink.”

There was a young man from the city
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, “Nice little cat.”
They buried his clothes, out of pity.

There was a young farmer named Max
Who avoided the petroleum tax.
It was simple, you see,
For his Vespa burned pee
From his grandfather’s herd of tame yaks.


----------



## Contused

Said a lively young nurse out in Padua
To her master, “Please, sir, you’re a dad you are.
I’ve come for some pins
For to wrap up the twins,
And to hear you remark, sir, how glad you are.”

As he filled up his order book pages,
He decided, “I want higher wages.”
So he struck for more pay
But, alas, now they say
He’s sweeping out elephants’ cages.


----------



## Contused

There was an old Justice named Percival,
Who said, “I suppose you’ll get worse if I’ll
Send you to jail,
So I’ll put you on bail.”
Now wasn’t Judge Percival merciful?

They’ve buried a salesman named Phipps.
He married, on one of his trips,
A widow named Block,
Then died of the shock,
When he found there were five little chips.


----------



## Contused

Despite her impressive physique
Fatima was really quite meek.
If a mouse showed its head
She would jump into bed
With a terrible blood-curdling sheikh.

Ain’t work just the absolute pits.
The Boss should be suffering nits,
Some galloping scabies
With mad doggy rabies,
And a face that is covered in zits.


----------



## Contused

Young innocent Elliot Pitts
Was casually picking his zits,
When one he eroded
Abruptly exploded
And blew the poor fellow to bits.

Two fishwives from neighbouring premises
Perpetually courted their nemesis.
They could never agree
In their quarrels, you see,
For they argued from different premises.


----------



## Contused

A nautical man from Prescelli
Devotedly wooed a Miss Ellie,
Till one summertime,
“Bill! It’s maritime!”
He immediately departed for sea!

There was a young lady called Psyche
Who was heard to ejaculate, “Pcryche!”
For when riding her pbych
She ran over a ptych
And fell on some rails that were pspyche.


----------



## Contused

You will find by the banks of the Nile
The haunts of the great crocodile.
He will welcome you in
With an innocent grin;
Which gives way to a satisfied smile.

Crocs, eh? Luv 'em or loathe 'em, they're useful at times…







Plastic shoes that have very thick soles
Are attractive and play useful roles,
But in storms, wearing Crocs,
I get wet feet and socks,
As the raindrops splash in through the holes.


----------



## Contused

A handsome young gasman from Chester
Surprised a blonde housewife called Hester.
Said he, “This is sweeter
Than reading your meter.”
So they then took a lengthy siesta.

That elegant gigolo, Price,
Remarked, “Now, it may be a vice,
But one thing I know,
This dancing for dough
Is something exceedingly nice.”


----------



## Contused

A shortage of help has produced
More kitchen-wise males than it used,
Like that man of gallantry
Who, leaving the pantry,
Remarked, “Well, my cook is well goosed!”

A jolly young joiner from Jarrow,
Found a fissure excessively narrow.
When the query came, “Why
Not at least have a try?”
He replied, “I’m a beau, not an arrow.”


----------



## Contused

“For all of its whistles and bells
Most modern T-shirtery smells.
The creed’s, ‘Buy it fast,
E’er the market is past’.
Just look how my bank balance swells!”

Said the specialist in psychiatry,
“My treatment of course is proprietary,
And to cure you, I fear,
Will take nearly one year.
It’s got to be done in entirety.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl called O’Brien,
Who tried to teach hymns to a lion.
Of the lady, there’s some
In the lion’s tum-tum;
The rest twangs a harp up in Zion.

A hermit once thought his oasis
The best of all possible places;
For it had a mirage
In the form of a large
And affectionate female curvaceous.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl of Navarre
Who was frightfully fond of a tar.
When she followed him over
From Calais to Dover,
Her friends cried, “That’s going too far!”

There once was a novice called Nell
Who, when going to Communion, fell.
She got up with a bound
Without looking around,
And said in a loud voice, “Oh Hell!”


----------



## Contused

A fellow who lived in New Guinea,
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgement and tact,
For he told a plump girl she was skinny.

There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out for a walk.


----------



## Contused

My darling is up typing nightly,
When I wish I were holding her tightly.
But it must be OK,
’Cos all I can say,
Is a keyboard in bed is unsightly.

There was a young man by the Nile
Who decided he’d swim for a while.
But why did he pause?
He saw the great jaws
Of a perfectly huge crocodile.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Rose
Who was not very pleased with her nose.
A good cosmetician
Realised her ambition
To be followed wherever she goes.

A two-toothed old man of Arbroath
Gave vent to a terrible oath.
When one tooth chanced to ache,
By some ghastly mistake,
The dentist extracted them both.


----------



## Contused

A dentist named Archibald Moss
Fell in love with the dainty Miss Ross,
But he held in abhorrence
Her Christian name, Florence,
So he called her his dear dental floss.

There was a sick man of Tobago,
Who liv’d long on rice-gruel and sago;
But at last, to his bliss,
The physician said this,
“To a roast leg of mutton you may go.”


----------



## Contused

An industrious young obstetrician
Conceived his financial position
To depend upon beauty
And husbandly duty,
Plus determined and endless coition.

The masses, declaimed Doctor Freud,
Are seldom so peacefully employed
As in the position
Described as coition,
So it’s nice that it’s widely enjoyed.


----------



## Contused

A new servant maid named Maria,
Had trouble lighting the fire.
The wood being green,
She used gasoline…
Her position by now is much higher!

There once was a belle from Menton
Who said to her beau, “_Pas si bon!_
I admire your technique,
It’s really _très chic…_
But you’re still both Toulouse and Toulon.”


----------



## Contused

There is a sad rumour that Mona
Goes around in a black net kimona.
Don’t think for a minute
There’s anything in it…
Anything much besides Mona.

A gentle old dame they called Muir
Had a mind so delightfully pure,
That she fainted away
At a friend’s house one day
When she saw some canary manure.


----------



## Contused

I once met a man from Luton,
Who had problems putting his boot on,
As quick as a flash,
He trod wheat and chaff,
And ended up covered in gluten.
- Red Dwarf

I once met a young man from Luton
Who had problems putting his boot on.
Cutting his foot off was his first notion
So instead he developed the laws of motion
For that man I once met was Sir Isaac Newton!
- Mark S


----------



## Contused

“Ah Vicar. We’ve lined up some men.
Take a really good look at them; then
Will you tell us in time
Who committed the crime?”
Said the Vicar, “It’s him, number ten.”

There was a young farmer of Limerick
Who started one day to trim a rick.
The Fates gave a frown,
The rick tumbled down,
And killed him. I don’t know a grimmer trick.


----------



## Contused

There was an old woman of Leeds
Who spent all her life in good deeds;
She worked for the poor
Till her fingers were sore,
This pious old woman of Leeds.

There was a young man of Laconia,
Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia.
He hoped for the worst -
And after March first
They buried her ’neath a begonia.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl, a sweet lamb,
Who smiled as she entered a tram.
After she had embarked,
The conductor remarked,
“Your fare.” And she said, “Yes, I am.”

There was a young lady of Lancashire
Who once went to work as a bank cashier.
But she scarcely knew
One plus one equalled two.
So they had to revert to a man cashier.


----------



## Contused

An ancient knight called Lancelot
Was known by all to glance a lot
At Queen Guinevere,
Even call her, “My dear,”
And take her out to dance a lot.

Said a very outspoken lass
Who liked to abuse and harrass,
“My dear, your two ears
Have been growing for years,
And you’re getting to look like an ass.”


----------



## Contused

“You’ll go blind if you keep chasing lasses,”
Mother said, in a voice that harrasses.
I’ll carry on wooing
And mind what I’m doing.
I’ll just catch a few, and wear glasses.

There once was a student of law
Who said, “Legal wording’s a bore.”
Amid raucous laughter,
“Let us ban ‘Hereinafter’
And ‘Whereas’ and ‘Heretobefore’.”


----------



## Contused

A rascal far gone in lechery
Lured maids to their doom by his treachery.
He invited them in
For the purpose of sin,
Though he said ’twas to look at his etchery.

When my heart was youthful and light,
I frequently had the insight
That cigars and stogies
Were strictly for fogies.
The mirror reveals I was right.


----------



## Contused

A chap with a weakness for locks
Was making a tour of Fort Knox,
When he spotted a fault
In the door of a vault
And abstracted a dozen gold blocks.

There’s a singer in Long Island City
Whose form is impressively pretty.
She is often addressed
By the name of ‘Beau Chest’,
Which is thought to be tasteful and witty.


----------



## Contused

Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
Who came to Roumania’s rescue?
It’s a wonderful thing
To be under a king.
Is democracy better, I esk you?

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so uncommonly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant.
People said, “She’s a dear,
So unique, so sincere.”
But they shunned her by common consent.

Xanadu’s too expensive for Khan,
He’s at work on converting a barn.
But there’s talk of a dome,
And of rivers that roam,
Then drop down to an underground tarn.


----------



## Contused

Said the fair-haired Rebecca of Klondike,
“Of you I’m exceedingly fond, Ike.
To prove I adore you
I’ll dye, darling, for you,
And be a brunette, not a blonde, Ike.”

The facts about beauty are known,
And well-learned by those who are grown.
For Beauty is thin;
It lies in the skin;
While Ugly goes clear to the bone.

A corpulent lady named Kroll
Had an idea exceedingly droll.
She went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
And backed in as a half-baked bread roll.


----------



## Contused

A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train.
Said she, “Please don’t panic;
I’m just nymphomanic…
It wouldn’t be fun were I sane.”

There was a great lord in Japan
Whose name on a Tuesday began.
It carried through Sunday
’Til twilight on Monday,
And sounded like stones in a can.


----------



## Contused

There was a young bard from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He said, “It’s because
I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”

There once was a damsel named Jinx,
Who when asked what she thought of the Sphinx,
Replied with a smile,
“That old fraud by the Nile?
I personally think that she stinks.”


----------



## Contused

An old dame phoned the desk and asked, “Joe,
What’s that noise from the room down below?”
“Oh, they’re holding,” he sighed,
“An Elks Ball right inside.”
“Well then, tell them,” she said, “to let go!”

An eager inventor named Jones
Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.
He’d devised X-ray glasses
To study clothed lasses,
But all he could see was their bones.


----------



## Contused

The conquering Lion of Judah
Made a prayer to the statue of Buddha.
“Oh, Idol,” he prayed,
“May _Il Duce_ be spayed,
And all his descendants be neuter.”

An unfit young lady called Jude,
Was constantly in a bad mood.
But for reasons of health,
Which is better than wealth,
She now cycles and watches her food.


----------



## Contused

Anon., Idem, Ibid. and Trad.
Wrote much that is morally bad:
Some ballads, some shanties,
All poems on panties,
And limericks, too, one must add.
- Anon

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
- Anon

The limerick’s, admitted, a verse form:
A terse form: a curse form: a hearse form.
It may not be lyric
And at best it’s Satyric,
And a whale of a tail in perverse form.
- Conrad Aiken

The limerick’s an art form complex
Whose contents run chiefly to sex.
It’s famous for virgins
And masculine urgin’s
And vulgar erotic effects.
- Anon

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.
- Morris Bishop

It needn’t have ribaldry’s taint
Or strive to make everyone faint.
There’s a type that’s demure
And perfectly pure
Though it helps quite a lot if it ain’t.
- Don Marquis

Above all, limericks are FUN and irrepressible.

Well, it’s partly the shape of the thing
That gives the old limerick wing;
These accordian pleats
Full of airy conceits,
Take it up like a kite on a string.
- Anon

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse form that’s hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its supression,
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.
- Professor T. J. Spencer


----------



## Contused

A young man who shopped in Ikea
Fell in love with a salesgirl, Maria.
They’d furnished a flat
But then had a spat,
So Maria left him for Korea.

A cannibal monarch imperial
Kept his wives on a diet of cereal
But he didn’t much care,
What the women should wear.
Nor did they, it was quite immaterial.


----------



## Contused

The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drinkers.
They worshipped the sun
And had lots of fun,
But the peons all thought them great stinkers.

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge, was before the court cited.
The Judge said, “Enough!
Your candle we’ll snough.
His sepulchre shall not be wighted.”


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin’
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzine.

There was an old man of the Isles
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown,
So he had to row standing for miles.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
’Twould have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn’t - he died in the fall.

A certain young lady named Hannah
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
As she floated away,
Her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piannah.


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady named Harris
That nothing seemed apt to embarrass,
Till the bathsalts she shook
In a tub that she took,
Turned out to be Plaster-of-Paris.

A short-sighted man from Havana
Mixed clothing with flora and fauna.
He was heard to say, “Ouch!”
When a black posing pouch
Turned out to be three small piranha.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, “This might have been worse.
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn’t come out of my purse.”

There once was a barber called Hone,
A young man of considerable tone,
He would tell you when drunk,
“I smell like a skunk.”
But the odour was Eau de Cologne.


----------



## Contused

A strapping young man named Howard
Was reputed to be muscle-powered.
But when a small mouse
Crept into the house,
He jumped on a table, the coward.

There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died.
His unfortunate brother
Then fell down another,
And now they’re interred side by side.


----------



## Contused

There once lived a certain Miss Gale,
Who turned most exceedingly pale,
For a mouse climbed her leg…
Don’t repeat this, I beg,
And a splinter got caught in its tail.

There were once three fellows from Gary,
Named Larry, Harry and Barry.
Now Harry was bare
As an egg or a pear,
But Barry and Larry were hairy.


----------



## Contused

"Don't poke us please, ma'am, or you'll vex us.
We must firmly embrace to have sex, us.
For an outcome that's spawny,
We have to stay horny
And coupled as one, in amplexus."
- Contused


----------



## Contused

There is an old geezer of Frimley
Who seems to remember, but dimly,
The days when persuadin'
A kiss from a maiden
Took decades of wooin' her grimly.

Dick Turpin, renowned for his stick-ups,
Was hopeless at girlie-type pick-ups;
Forsooth, it's the truth,
He had had since his youth
A continuous bout of the hiccups.


----------



## Contused

In Paris lives Madame du Bois
Who weighs thousands in avoirdupois.
On account of her weight
She's re-classified 'freight'
When she travels by train to Charleroi.

I once took a trip down the Rhine
To partake of the fruits of the vine;
Drank too many of these
Trockenbeerenauslese
But the taste was exceeding divine.


----------



## Contused

A guru who lives near the willows
Has odd looking blankets and pillows;
He sleeps in the hills
Upon porcupine quills
Under blankets of old armadillos.

Complaining the measures were meagre,
Young Igor on visiting Riga
Said, "Vodka in Omsk,
Vladivostok and Tomsk
Comes in measures a blessed sight beeger."


----------



## Contused

An aardvark who yearned for romances
Hooked up with another called Frances;
He courted her good
As a good aardvark should
With a dinner of succulent antses.

There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled;
He would practise, they said
Every night in his shed…
With the old Black & Decker he's skilled.


----------



## Contused

A mathematician called Rube
Invented a cubical tube.
They looked and they laughed
And said, "Don't be so daft;
Can't you see it's a tubular cube?"

A well-to-do lady called Carla
Served Indian food in her parlour;
Not chicken, samosas
Or vindaloo… no sirs;
But ptarmigan tikka masala.


----------



## mikeyB

Ptarmigan’s a protected species 
Said an RSPB man called Ritchies
Eat one of those up
We’ll lock you up
And the P is silent as in britches


----------



## Eddy Edson

We've heard of the great Aristides
who suffered, so long, diabetes.
Nevertheless
he had to confess
to snacking on cupcakes and Wheaties.


----------



## Contused

Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you
Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat;
But I guess that you probably gnu.

"I'm fit as a fiddle," said Pat,
"Now I've lost 50 kilos of fat."
"So I see," I said spreading
Her out on the bedding
And patting her perfectly flat.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Darjeeling,
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
Not a murmur was heard,
Not a sound, not a word,
But the fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.


----------



## C&E Guy

There once was a fellow called Gandhi
Who went into a pub for a shandy.
He used his loin cloth
To wipe off the froth.
And the barman said, "Blimey. That's handy!"


----------



## C&E Guy

A young man was lying in bed,
And woke up with a very sore head.
"I must get it sorted."
To the doc he reported.
But he sent him to hospital instead.

To make the pain lessen and stop,
They decided to give him an op.
With no time to spare,
They shaved off his hair
And started to work on his top.

The surgeon, he started to dig.
And found the man's brain was too big.
So he extracted a bit
To help it to fit.
But the poor guy's now wearing a wig!


----------



## Contused

"Come sample my soup," the man sighed.
"Why this time?" the waiter replied.
"You have it at noon
Every day. Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!" the man gleefully cried.


----------



## Contused

In a piano concerto in A
The cadenza went sadly astray.
Getting back via China,
F blunt, G flat minor
And stations from Slough on the way.


----------



## Contused

Both John Keats and Boccaccio tell a
Sad tale about fair Isabella,
Who was worn to a frazzle
Weeping over some basil
That grew in the skull of her fella.


----------



## C&E Guy

A Diabetic doing his injection
Became aware of an unusual infection.
He put on some cream.
It worked like a dream.
In fact, 'twas correction perfection.


----------



## Contused

An heiress from Abergavenny,
Had offers of marriage full many.
She surveyed all the men
Very gravely, and then,
Said, "Thanks, but I'm not having any."


----------



## Contused

Please don't gossip or bandy about
That my cousin smells like well-boiled sprout.
His rank smell, I've opined,
Does quite bring to my mind
The smell of fortnight-old sauerkraut.


----------



## Contused

On the Doppler Effect…

Her voice is so high it's absurd.
It's so shrill that you can't hear a word.
She starts running away
When she's something to say,
So the pitch drops enough to be heard.


----------



## Contused

I fear I am accident-prone,
Though not by the breakage of bone.
I fall for a face;
I've fallen from grace…
Heart-broken, I do nothing but moan.


----------



## Contused

The Homeric young fighter, Achilles,
Was great with the fair Trojan fillies,
But Paris said, "We'll
Just aim at his heel."
Now Achilles is pushing up lilies.


----------



## Contused

When you sneeze and you cough and you're achin',
And you feel that your body is breakin',
Just try to recall
It's still only Fall;
Old man winter has yet to awaken.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow of Acre,
Who took off his hat to a Quaker.
When the worthy man said,
"You are very well bred,"
He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."


----------



## Contused

A famous theatrical actress
Placed best in the role of malefactress;
Yet her home life was pure,
Except, to be sure,
A scandal or two just for practice.


----------



## Contused

The limerick, like drugs, is addictive,
And it often is cruel and vindictive.
Backed by laws that are bold,
It must needs be controlled
By a doctor's prescription restrictive.


----------



## Contused

A Nelsonian captain addressed
His men on their duty, with zest.
History doesn't teach
What they thought of his speech,
But we think most of them were impressed.


----------



## Contused

There once were two consenting adults,
Who agreed that they would not repulse
One another's advances,
But just take their chances,
And accept the result… or results.


----------



## Contused

A dyslexic insomniac agnostic
Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic,
With his mind in a fog,
Asking, "Is there a dog?"
And other things nearly as caustic.


----------



## Contused

A trombonist from old Albuquerque
Found his slide had gone terribly jerky.
An inspection revealed
Two oranges, peeled,
Half a loaf and a ten kilo turkey.


----------



## Contused

A farmer who lived in Algiers
Once planted some corn in his ears.
When the temperature rose,
He leapt to his toes.
Now popping is all that he hears.


----------



## Contused

An old maid in the land of Aloha
Got wrapped in the coils of a boa;
And as the snake squeezed,
The old maid, not displeased,
Cried, "Darling! I love it! Samoa!"


----------



## Contused

A Spoonerick…

In his grass hut the chief lived alone.
His throne, stowed up high, down was blown.
He was hit on the head
And it left him quite dead.
In grass houses do not _stow_ a _throne_.


----------



## Contused

Said a greedy old piggie, "Although
The sows leave when they've eaten enough,
I still squat in the slough
With my snout in the trough,
I will never admit I am through."


----------



## Contused

A student once had the ambition
Of becoming a medical technician,
But med schools were so strict,
Folks were dying to get picked…
So instead she became a mortician.


----------



## Contused

Are you tired of _affaires d'amour_?
Are they getting to be quite a bore?
They do not last all that long,
It can't be that they're wrong,
In a week, you go through at least four.


----------



## Contused

A lady of Old Amsterdam
Loved to breakfast on Westphalia ham.
After 40 miles skating,
She did not like waiting
For breakfast in Old Amsterdam.


----------



## Contused

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical,
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean…
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.


----------



## Contused

"The figure is not anatomical,"
Said the sitter. "The attitude's comical."
Said the painter, "Quite true,
But looked at askew,
Both are seen to be sweetly symbolical."


----------



## Contused

Have you heard about poor Angelique?
She canoed up the river last week
With some damn lumberjack,
And though they came back
We're afraid she's been left up the creek.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Angora,
Who married for richer or poorer.
He'd not been long wed,
When he fell out of bed
And said, "Damn, I have married a snorer!"


----------



## C&E Guy

There once was a ravishing beauty
Who came back from her hols with some booty.
Customs looked at her face
And said "Open the case".
And she ended up paying lots of Duty.


----------



## Andy HB

There was a tall man in Llandod
Who demanded that he was a god
But no-one believed him
'cos his manner was grim
He was, in fact, just an old sod.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man from Cape Verde,
Who told of a friendly old bird,
Who had room in her nest
For an overnight guest,
Who didn't come back if he erred.


----------



## Andy HB

There once was a poet who wrote Verde
To rhyme on the next line with bird
But this 'ere bloke says Verdy
To rhyme with a birdy
Or do you think he has erred?


----------



## Contused

A young ballerina named Ann
Danced like a soft feathery fan;
But when she leaped and rose
She'd land, not on her toes,
But smack on her pink tutued can!


----------



## C&E Guy

A free-drinking Scotsman named Walt
Was awfully fond of good Malt
But imbibing that whisky
Made him awfully frisky
But he claimed that "It isnae ma fault!"


----------



## Contused

One day when a lady named Anne
Went up to the sun-roof to tan.
A gent in a 'copter
Flew over and dropped her
Some ads for a crash-diet plan.


----------



## Ditto




----------



## C&E Guy

Instead of going up to his bed,
He decided to add one more thread.
"I'll post one more rhyme,
And be up in no time."
But got hooked on the Song Game instead!


----------



## Contused

An intelligent lass named Jo-Anne
Never lacked an admiring young man,
For her giant IQ
(Giant other things too!)
Was designed on a generous plan.


----------



## Andy HB

rude
dude
fun
run
nude

Minimalist limerick.


----------



## Contused

There was a mechanic of Alnwick,
Whose feelings were anti-Germanic.
So when war had begun,
He constructed a gun,
Whose dimensions were simply titanic.


----------



## Contused

An amorous maiden antique
Locked a man in her house for a week.
He entered her door
With a shout and a roar,
But his exit was marked with a squeak.


----------



## Contused

Some day ere she grows too antique,
My girl's hand in marriage I'll seek.
If she's not a coquette,
Which I'd greatly regret,
She shall share my ten dollars a week.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man who appeared
To his friends with a full growth of beard.
They at once said, "Although
We can't say why it's so,
The effect is uncommonly weird."


----------



## Contused

If Eve hadn't eaten the apple
Mankind would have no need to grapple
With sin and temptation,
And disapprobation,
From ladies who worship at chapel.


----------



## C&E Guy

Contused said:


> If Eve hadn't eaten the apple
> Mankind would have no need to grapple
> With sin and temptation,
> And disapprobation,
> From ladies who worship at chapel.



Point of order. Nowhere in The Bible does it say "apple". Just "fruit". We just assume it was an apple.


----------



## Contused

C&E Guy said:


> Point of order. Nowhere in The Bible does it say "apple". Just "fruit". We just assume it was an apple.


Noted. I shall have to tell Wendy Cope, the author, if I can ever find her.

Dunno 'bout this one, written by that most prolific of writers, 'Anon'…

Said Eve as she reached for the Apple,
And prepared for the primordial grapple,
"With the proper sales talk,
Adam surely won't baulk,
For if anyone falls, why, that sap'll."


----------



## Contused

As tourists inspected the apse,
An ominous series of raps
Came from under the altar,
Which caused some to falter,
And others to shriek and collapse.


----------



## Contused

A two-toothed old man from Arbroath
Gave vent to a terrible oath,
When one tooth chanced to ache,
By an awful mistake,
The dentist extracted them both.


----------



## Contused

From this man, who is calling himself Bruce,
I look forward to hear an excuse
For his horrible crimes
Both of lacking in rhymes
And of limerick meter abuse.
- Par Svensson


It is true that the limerick's an art,
But I wonder just how you can start
To criticise, when
Your first line comes to ten
Syllables… Mr. Svensson, get smart!
- Richard Lancashire


----------



## Andy HB

Lancashire used ten as well
I counted so I can tell
When one is a bit
Of a slight hypocrite
It can leave a hint of a smell.

(not bothered really, but felt another limerick coming on)


----------



## Contused

Andy HB said:


> Lancashire used ten as well
> I counted so I can tell
> When one is a bit
> Of a slight hypocrite
> It can leave a hint of a smell.
> 
> (not bothered really, but felt another limerick coming on)


Absolutely, and there's no stopping it!

A classical Master of Arts
Told his wife he was still keen on tarts.
Said she, "That's just dandy,
To think you're still randy.
You still know your principal parts."


----------



## Contused

A friend, who is not an ascetic,
Writes: "Ireland, my dear, is magnetic.
No snakes, lots of elves,
Who just offer themselves…
Rather small, but most sympathetic."


----------



## Contused

When you go to a store in Ascutney
There is no use to ask them for chutney.
You may plead, you may tease,
You may go on your knees…
It will do you no good, they ain't got any.
- Richard H. Field

However…

At the village emporium in Woodstock
Of chutney they keep quite a good stock.
They're more given to gluttony
Than the folk of Ascutney,
Who neither of liquors or foods talk.
- Frederick Winsor


----------



## Contused

The hands they were meant to assist
In supplying the features with grist.
There are only a few,
As a rule about two,
And are hitched to the end of the wrist.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl of Asturias,
Whose temper was frantic and furious.
She used to throw eggs
At her grandmother's legs…
A habit unpleasant, but curious.


----------



## Contused

The late poet Wystan Hugh Auden,
Left us poems never maudl'n but mod'n.
The first things he wrote
Struck a socialist note,
But increasingly, then he let God'n.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man who averred
He had learned how to fly like a bird.
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from a steeple…
This tomb states the date it occurred.


----------



## Contused

Two roosters were bragging away
Of their talent for waking the day.
As they stood there aghast,
Dawn sneaked quietly past
And was announced by a donkey's loud bray.


----------



## Contused

A creature some lightyears away,
Sent off a few signals one day.
At SETI they read
The signals, but dread!
They said: "Ghi-re dfi ga yt zay!"

SETI = Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence


----------



## Contused

There was a young man who said, 'Ayer
Has answered the atheist's prayer,
For a Hell one can't verify
Surely can't terrify…
At least till you know you are there.'


----------



## Contused

The surrogate Bishop of Ayr
Was reduced to a state of despair
By the fact that his dreams
Contradicted the themes
Of his eloquent leadings in prayer.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman of Ayr
Tried to steal out of church during prayer.
But the squeak of her shoes
So enlivened the pews
That she sat down again in despair.


----------



## Contused

There once was a breathy baboon,
Who consistently blew a bassoon,
"For," he said, "It appears
That in billions of years
I shall certainly hit on a tune."


----------



## Contused

There was an old gossip called Baird,
Who said, "What I could say if I dared!
I will say it, in fact,
Though I die in the act."
So she did, and nobody cared.


----------



## Contused

Cinderella was queen of the the ball
And she started a real Royal Brawl,
When at midnight's last stroke
The magic spell broke…
There she stood wearing nothing at all!


----------



## Contused

A lassie from wee Ballachulish
Observed, 'Och, virginity's foolish.
When a lad makes a try,
To say ocht but "Aye!"
Is stubborn, pig-hieded, and mulish.'


----------



## Contused

Tchaikovsky wrote music balletic
For men who were lithe and athletic.
One said, 'Your 4th's fine
And your 5th quite divine,
But your 6th I find frankly pathetic.'


----------



## Contused

The widow of Ballinalickey
Was married eight times and was tricky.
When she led without falter
Young Mick to the altar,
They sang "Him" number nine for poor Mickey.


----------



## Contused

An old man of fair Ballinrock
Made black pudding of chocolate and rock,
Adding manure and rope,
Prussic acid and soap,
Wrapped up in an old army sock.


----------



## Contused

Said young Rex in his hot-air balloon,
"I shall see all the stars very soon."
Rex was right, for he dropped,
And he saw when he stopped,
Three million bright stars and a moon.


----------



## Contused

A bather in Lake Ballyclear
Had a bust that would burst a _brassière_.
She had a round face
And was plump every place,
Except for her flat-chested rear.


----------



## Contused

A girl who hailed from Ballingeary
Thought her life dull, boring and dreary,
So she went bungee jumping,
But took quite a bumping
And her vision went a bit bleary.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Bandon,
Whose feet were too narrow to stand on.
So she stood on her head,
"For my motto," she said,
"Has always been _nil desperandum_."


----------



## Contused

A daring young fellow in Bangor
Sneaked a super-swift jet from its hangar.
When he crashed in the bay,
Neighbours laid him away
In rather more sorrow than anger.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Banker,
Who slept while her yacht lay at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say:
"Hi! Hoist up the top-sheet and spanker!"


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady in Bantry,
Who kept her false teeth in the pantry.
All covered in jam
And sunk in a ham
Hung up by a string from a gantry.


----------



## Contused

I opened the door; the fridge was bare.
There just wasn't any food in there.
No corn, carrots or peas,
No macaroni and cheese.
I'll have to go out, but I don't know where.


----------



## Contused

They asked the young man on bassoon
If his cold would be clearing up soon.
He said, "When you suppose
That I'm blowing my nose,
I am actually playing a tune."


----------



## Contused

An indefatigable woman name Bavel
Had often occasion to travel.
On the way she would sit
And furiously knit,
And on the way back she'd unravel.


----------



## Contused

There was an old woman of Bath
And she was as thin as a lath.
She was brown as a berry
With a nose like a cherry,
This skinny old woman of Bath.


----------



## Contused

There is an old fellow from Bath,
Who never walks straight down a path.
You would probably think
He had too much to drink,
But it's only a way that he hath.


----------



## Contused

There once was a programmer in Bath,
Who gave up formal methods in wrath.
"I swear that I knew
What my programs should do,
But you can't write a 'goto' in math."


----------



## Contused

A buxom young typist named Baynes
At her work took particular pains.
She was good at dictation
And long explanations,
But she ran more to bosom than brains.


----------



## Contused

There's a tiresome young man from Bay Shore,
When his fiancée cried, 'I adore
The beautiful sea!'
He replied, "I agree.
It's pretty. But what is it for?"


----------



## Contused

Since my overdraft threatens to be
Detrimental to sound industry,
I surrender all claim
That it stands in my name,
Mr Banker, I trust you'll agree.


----------



## Contused

If Abel and Cain were to be
Asked about their genealogy
'It began', they would say,
'In the garden the day
_That_ apple was plucked from the tree.'

OR

If Abel and Cain were to be
Asked about their genealogy
'It began', they would say,
'With a bit of foreplay
'Neath the shade of the old apple tree.'


----------



## Contused

To whomever you happen to be:
No Christmas card this year from me!
I choose not to send 'em;
That's my new addendum!
Scratch my name off your list?  Please feel free!


----------



## Contused

A modest young lady named Beal,
Once protected herself with great zeal,
But when she'd been wedded,
The thing that she dreaded,
Was a boon of enormous appeal.


----------



## Contused

There's an orchestra playing in Beale,
Whose conductor is far from ideal.
To conclude a sonata,
He starts the _fermata_,
Then leaves for a seven-course meal.

fermata = a musical term for a pause


----------



## Contused

If you feel that you're right on your beam-ends,
And your gait is more rolling that seamen's,
And if camels in helmets
March over the pelmets,
You've a touch of _delirium tremens_.


----------



## Contused

Said a constable stern, on his beat,
To a couple more fond than discreet:
"Though a Miss miss a kiss,
Give the next kiss a 'miss',
For a kiss is amiss in the street."


----------



## Contused

Two eager and dashing young beaus
Were held up and robbed of their clothes.
While the weather is hot
They don't mind it a lot,
But what will they do when it snows?


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow of Beaulieu,
Who loved a fair maiden most treaulieu.
Said he, "Wilt thou be mine?"
When she didn't decline,
The wedding was solemnised deaulieu.


----------



## Contused

From the moment I got out of bed,
I rhymed everything that I said.
I know it's a crime,
I've wasted my time,
I should have been working instead.


----------



## Contused

Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!"
"And mine," Ma said, "Look at that spread!"
Baby Bear, most polite,
Simply put out the light,
"Nighty-night, folks," was all that he said.


----------



## Contused

A certain young chap named Bill Beebee,
Was in love with a lady named Phoebe.
"But," said he, "I must see
What the clerical fee
Be before Phoebe be Phoebe B. Beebee."


----------



## Contused

A pretty young teacher named Beecham
Said, "These awful boys! How shall I teach 'em?
I try to look grave,
But they will not behave,
Though with tears in my eyes, I beseech 'em."


----------



## Contused

The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat,
And thus did the hen reward Beecher.


----------



## Contused

There once was a pitcher of beer,
It won't be abandoned, don't fear.
It shall soon meet the throats
Of three crusty old goats
Who are burstin' with thirst and good cheer.


----------



## Contused

God's plan made a hopeful beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory…
But at present the other side's winning.


----------



## Contused

Said a wicked old madam named Belle,
Whom the preacher was threatening with Hell,
"I have no regrets,
No doubts and no debts.
If I haven't done good, I've done well."


----------



## Contused

For all of its whistles and bells
Most modern technology smells.
The creed's "Do it fast
E're the market is past;
Barely saleable quality sells!"


----------



## Contused

There's a young man who lives in Belsize,
Who believes he is clever and wise.
Now, what do you think?
He saves gallons of ink
By simply not dotting his *i's*.


----------



## Contused

Remember when you are bemusing,
And daily decisions confusing,
That for life existential
The thing that's essential
Is never the choice but the choosing.


----------



## Contused

There was an old codger named Ben,
Who had a most terrible yen.
The problem was not
The how, why, or what,
But the who and the where and the when.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Ben,
Who could only count modulo ten.
He said, "When I go
Past my last little toe,
I shall have to start over again."


----------



## Contused

Stansgate, or Wedgwood, or Benn,
(Three in one to the left-minded men)
Says 'Issues are all,
Generalities pall,
But I'm here if you want me… say when.'


----------



## Contused

A nudist resort in Benares
Took a midget in all unawares,
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a masquerade ball
Arrayed like a tree,
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs in the hall.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Bengal,
Who purchased a bat and a ball,
Somes gloves and some pads…
It was one of his fads,
For he never played cricket at all.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man so benighted
He didn't know when he was slighted.
He went to a party
And ate just as hearty
As if he'd been really invited.


----------



## Contused

Three scribblers whose names end in Bert,
*Gil*, *Her* and *Flau* are now inert.
*Gil* wrote silly songs,
*Her* satirised wrongs
And *Flau* was once set for School Cert.


----------



## Contused

There was an old Member called Bevan,
Who wanted to make Britain Heaven.
When they said: 'You will fail.'
He replied: 'Ebbw Vale
Gives the strength to its children of seven.'


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Bicester,
Who was nicer by far than her sicester.
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would smile if you kicester.


----------



## Contused

There was an old soldier at Bicester
Out walking one day with his sister.
A bull, with one poke,
Tossed her into an oak,
Before the old gentleman missed her.


----------



## Contused

'Twas the night before Christmas in _Cheers_.
In walks Santa and all those reindeers.
Did they drink? Have no doubt!
Till the old man passed out,
And we picked up the tab for the beers.


----------



## Contused

To an artist a husband named Bicket
Said, "Turn your backside, and I'll kick it.
You have painted my wife
In the nude to the life.
Do you think for a moment that's cricket?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a fellow named Bill,
Who swallowed a nuclear pill.
When the doctor said, "Cough!"
The damn thing went off,
And his head was picked up in Brazil.


----------



## Contused

"I shall star," vowed a girl from Biloxi,
"At Twentieth-Century Foxi."
And her movie career
Really prospered last year:
She's in charge of the mops at the Roxi.


----------



## Contused

A terrible singer named Bing,
One evening insisted he'd sing.
So we asked him to stoop,
Put his head in a loop,
And pulled at each end of the string.


----------



## Contused

Young Nobel, Swedish by birth,
Found a use for diatomous earth.
Mixed with nitro it jells
And like hot cakes it sells.
Can you imagine what Nobel is worth?


----------



## Contused

Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe.
I just won't accept that sheep chit."


----------



## Contused

Resolutions ain’t sticky, I fear,
Be it sugar, tobacco or beer.
If you’ve broken that pledge,
Please don’t be on edge.
No worries! There’s always NEXT year.


----------



## Contused

As the smoke from her stove billowed black
A dazed wife in Tibet cried, "Alack,"
To her husband, "Oh, please,
Call and order Chinese,
It's a cinder!  Oh, my baking yak!"


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Blackheath,
Who sat on his set of false teeth.
Said he with a start,
"Oh, Lord bless my heart!
I have bitten myself underneath!"


----------



## Contused

A careless explorer named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator,
A few minutes later,
"Very nice, but I still prefer cake."


----------



## Contused

Chuck Yeager, a man who was blessed
With test-flying skills of the best,
Said, "I never was paid
To say I was afraid,
But once I was mighty impressed."


----------



## Contused

My sister loves Bartok and Bloch,
While my brother's gone crazy on Rock.
Maintaining my sanity
Requires much urbanity
And stuffing each ear with a sock.


----------



## Contused

A jolly old fellow called Boakes
Knew five thousand eight hundred jokes,
Which, ranging from bad
To the dismally sad,
He tried out on helpless old folks.


----------



## Contused

A pert little lady named Bobbie
Used to stroll through the Fontainbleu lobby,
Attracting the stares
Of chance millionaires,
Not entirely, I think, as a hobby.


----------



## Contused

A certain young fellow, named Bobbie,
Rode his steed back and forth in the lobby.
When the clerk said, "Indoors
Is no place for a horse."
He replied, "But you see, it's my hobby."


----------



## Contused

The Chief Stewardess on a Boeing,
When asked where the aircraft was going,
Said, "Our navigator
Is joining us later,
And till then we have no way of knowing."


----------



## Contused

There once was an eccentric old boffin
Who remarked, in a fine fit of coughing,
"It isn't the cough
That carries you off,
But the coffin they carries you off in."


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Boise,
Who at times was exceedingly noise.
So his friends' joy increased
When he moved way back east,
To what people in Brooklyn call Joise.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Bombay
Making fireworks one fine summer's day,
But he dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar.
There *was* a young man from Bombay.


----------



## Contused

An anchorman fond of his booze,
Was arrested while reading the news.
"They're treating me bad,"
He said, "All that I had
Was just one tini many martoos."


----------



## Ditto

Some of these are lol.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Some of these are lol.


I'm glad you like them. I've loved them for the best part part of 70 years, but I know they're not everyone's cup of tea.


----------



## Docb

I like limericks but because for me they have to be slightly rude to be a real limerick I have resisted joining in for fear of causing offence!  Anyway, here goes.....

The gentleman rake, Peter Frampton
Was the talk of the clubs in Southampton
It wasn't his curls
That got him the girls
But his smile and the size of his hampton.


----------



## Contused

Docb said:


> I like limericks but because for me they have to be slightly rude to be a real limerick I have resisted joining in for fear of causing offence! <snip>


Agreed.

There’s said to be three kinds of limericks. Those you can tell to a lady. Those you can tell to a clergyman.
And LIMERICKS!

However…

Two beauties who dwelt by the Bosphorous,
Had eyes that were brighter that phosphorous.
The Sultan called, "Troth!
I'll marry you both!"
But they laughed, "We're afraid you must tossphorous!"


----------



## everydayupsanddowns

The only limericks I don’t like are the Edward Lear originals which completely lack a punchline, which I once heard Dave Gorman mercilessly rip to shreds


----------



## Contused

everydayupsanddowns said:


> The only limericks I don’t like are the Edward Lear originals which completely lack a punchline, which I once heard Dave Gorman mercilessly rip to shreds


The late Ronnie Barker also worked wonders transforming Lear's sometimes disappointing limericks. For example…

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
That borascible person of Bangor.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Bangor,
Whose face was distorted with anger;
He tore off his boots,
And subsisted on roots,
And never recovered his langour.
- Ronnie Barker

…and there'll be more, and better, later.


----------



## Contused

There was a young dumpling from Boulder,
Who loved to ride dear daddy's shoulder.
Dad, at first, thought it fun,
Then she turned twenty-one,
And he thought she should know, so he told her.


----------



## Docb

There was a young couple from Stroud,
Whose lovemaking could get very loud.
On Saturday nights
When they turned out the lights
The noise would attract quite a crowd.


----------



## Contused

Docb said:


> There was a young couple from Stroud,<snip>


Good one!

And not far from Stroud…

“When a *fakir* in Dursley,” said Jackie,
“Pestered me until I felt wacky,
And insisted *beaucoup*
On his bed of nails too,
I refused, since it would have been tacky.”


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Boulogne,
Who frightened the birds with his song.
It wasn't the words
Which frightened the birds
But the terrible *double entendre*.


----------



## Contused

A Kentucky-bound author named Bourne,
Whose style often savoured of scorn,
Soon inscribed in his journals,
"Here the corn's full of kernels,
And the Colonels are all full of corn.


----------



## Contused

You don't show suspenders or {}
When dressed up for Jockey Clu{};
But items like these
May drop to your knees
While engaging in loving em{}.

{} are known as braces in the USA. Hope that helps!


----------



## Ditto

I'm not keen on that one, it doesn't seem to scan. I immediately thought of saucy black suspenders, I don't know what that says about me!


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> I'm not keen on that one, it doesn't seem to scan. I immediately thought of saucy black suspenders, I don't know what that says about me!


In the US 'suspenders' are what we would call 'braces', while what we call 'saucy black suspenders' would be called 'saucy black garter belt' and that definitely wouldn't scan. The scansion isn't perfect but it scans as 9-9-5-5-10, which is quite close to a perfect 9-9-6-6-9.


----------



## Ditto

I must be reading it wrong.  I do prefer some Americanisms, they make more sense, like sidewalk. Suspenders in either doesn't make sense really, they're not suspended are they, they're held up! Hopefully. I thought I should put a limerick to keep the thread 'legal' so put diabetic limerick into google and got Ireland. 

From here: https://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/forums/topic/diabetes-limericks/
A South African girl named Cecile
Put out a global appeal,
She just wanted to wheedle
An insulin needle,
That when stuck in she just wouldn’t feel.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> <snip>https://www.shootuporputup.co.uk/forums/topic/diabetes-limericks/<snip>


Thanks for the link. I shall explore it.

Meanwhile…

A young trapeze artist named Bract
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain
When, again and again,
He catches his wife in the act!


----------



## Contused

To manage to keep up a brain
Is no easy job, it is plain.
That's why a great many
Don't ever use any,
Thus avoiding the care and the strain.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Brandon,
Whose feet were to narrow to stand on.
So she stood on her head
'Til the day she was wed,
Renowned for her reckless abandon.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!"
- Edward Lear

There was an old man with a beard,
Who said, "It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Live inside it. It's frightfully weird."
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

Said a foolish old lecher named Brannigan,
"My dear, I don't think I can again.
That dozen last night
Were just a delight,
But Lord knows when I'll be a man again."


----------



## Contused

An indolent vicar of Bray
His roses allowed to decay.
His dear wife, more alert,
Bought a powerful squirt
And said to her spouse, "Let us spray."


----------



## Contused

A Spoonerick…

A designer of fences can braze
A rampart that ably allays
Dog's desires to roam
Or to wander from home,
And his company's called 'Gates & Strays'.


----------



## Docb

My aunt had a very strange lodger
Who tied a reef knot in his todger
He thought it quite smart
And it gave him great heart
Til he found he could no longer rodger


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Brooking,
Who had a great genius for cooking.
She could bake sixty pies
All about the same size,
And tell which was which without looking.


----------



## Contused

Said a young lass from Indian Queens,
Diagnosed in her quite early teens,
"On the bright side, at least
I can legally feast
During schooltime on green jelly beans!"


----------



## Contused

An amoeba named Sam, and his brother
Were having a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,
And each of them now is a mother.


----------



## Contused

"O'Riley is dead," said his brother.
"He's out ploughin' dirt," said his mother.
"Nay, down at the pub,"
Said the boys in his club,
"Drinking spirits or something-or-other."


----------



## Docb

A young man of no fixed abode
Decided to sleep in the road
One night the poor fellow
Slept on a yellow
And in the morning got towed


----------



## Contused

A lacklustre lady of Brougham
Weaveth all night at her lougham.
Anon she doth blench
When her lord and his wench
Pull a chain in the neighouring rougham.


----------



## Jodee

Silly Sally Soh
ate
66 
sticky thick
satay sticks

_its a tongue twister really_


----------



## Jodee

one from when I was a kid does it have to have 5 lines?

I must go down to the sea again
the wonderful sea and sky
for there I left my vest and pants
I wonder if they're dry.

(optional extra - as there the wind blow high)


----------



## Contused

Jodee said:


> <snip>does it have to have 5 lines?<snip>


Classically, yes, and a rhyme scheme A-A-B-B-A. For example…

An' a-one  an' a-two  an' a-three
An' a-one  an' a-two  an' a-three
An' a-one  an' a-two
An' a-one  an' a-two
An' a-one  an' a-two  an' a-three


----------



## Contused

There was a fat lady of Bryde,
Whose shoelaces once came untied.
She didn't dare bend,
For fear she'd offend,
And she cried and she cried and she cried.


----------



## Jodee

There was a young lady of Nottingham
Her manners she'd completely forgotten them
While at tea at the Vicars
She took off her.......... nickers
Saying she was much too hot in them

Now why did I remember that from childhood (thought it was funny  )


----------



## Jodee

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that had left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.


----------



## Contused

Jodee said:


> There was a young lady of Nottingham…
> 
> A bather whose clothing was strewed…
> <snip>


Two classics. Well done!

On May Day the girls of Penzance,
Being bored by a lack of romance,
Joined the workers’ parade
With this banner displayed:
“What the Pants of Penzance Need Is Ants.”


----------



## Contused

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
And so do these rhymes, in despair!
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was a plump girl from Bryn Mawr,
Who committed a dreadful *faux pas*.
She loosened a stay
On her *décolleté*,
Thus exposing her *je ne sais quoi*.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Bryn Mawr,
Who carried politeness too far.
"Don't look now,"  she said,
With a tilt of her head,
"But someone is stealing your car!"


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow named Bryan
Whose voice was for evermore cryin',
"Do you think that my shape
Was derived from an ape?
Well, I think Charlie Darwin was lyin'."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Burton,
Who outraged the Fellows of Girton
By cycling to town
Without wearing a gown,
And, what's worse, without even a skirt on.


----------



## Contused

A naughty old colonel of Butte
Had a habit his friends thought was cutte.
He'd slip off to Spokane
And proceed from the train
To a house of distinct ill reputte.


----------



## Contused

There was a young dandy of Butte,
Who sported a bright purple suit.
When they said, "It's too loud,"
He answered them, "How'd
I look in a suit that is mute?"


----------



## Contused

Eight bits or two nibbles, a byte…
It's like lunch.  Hey that works!  Well, it might.
But bytes by the bunch,
Make words.  If that's lunch,
Then machines eat their words, ain't that right?


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Cadiz,
Who inferred that life is what it is;
For he had early learnt,
If it were what it weren't,
It could not be what which it is.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea.
When he said, "I will scratch it,"
They gave him a hatchet,
Which grieved that Old Man of the Dee.
- Edward Lear

There was an old man of the Dee,
Who was sadly annoyed by a flea.
When he said, "I will scratch it,"
They gave him a hatchet,
And he cut his leg off at the knee.
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

A fellow who lived in Cadiz
Was arrested with what wasn't his.
Said his lawyer, the twit,
"You'll be out on a writ,
As soon as I find out what one is."


----------



## Docb

There was a young laddie called Vince
Whose walk was a bit of a mince
But he signalled his gender
By a shirt of la-vender
And trousers, half velvet, half chinz


----------



## Jodee

There was a fair house in bemok
whose clocks all went tickety tock
But when the wind blew
A howling from Crewe
It was time to put on some socks

by Jodee Type 2


----------



## Jodee

A wizened old lady from York
Who had legs like a stork
She enjoyed a tipple
and always tried not to dribble
as she wrestled trying to remove the cork

Another by Jodee Type 2


----------



## Jodee

There was a type II on a roll
of limericks untold
But after a bit
distracted for a hit
Of coffee while donning a stole

No.3 by Jodee Type 2


----------



## Contused

A porter of Gonville and Caius
Said, "No lady visitors, please!
For I fear they would hear
What's not fit for their ear…
These medics swear worse than bargees."


----------



## Contused

A cook of the College of Caius
Paid the butcher extortionate faius;
And so much deceit
They suffered in miet
They'd better have dined upon chaius.


----------



## Contused

There was a young cashier of Calais,
Whose accounts, when reviewed, wouldn't tally.
Soon his chief smalled a rat,
For he'd furnished a flat
And was seen every night at the ballet.


----------



## Ditto

A desperate lady from Manc
Decided to hold up a bank
She wore a thick stocking
but her knees were knocking
Her idea was so obviously rank...

...as is my go at a limerick


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> <snip>...as is my go at a limerick…


Not at all. It's a good-un! Far better than…

There was a young lady of Lancashire,
Who once went to work as a bank cashier.
But she scarcely knew
One plus one equalled two,
So they had to revert to a man cashier.


----------



## Docb

A young man uncertain of his gender
Went out one night on a bender
He'd resolved his dilemma
When he woke up with Emma
And Josie, and Susie and Brenda


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butter;
Thus converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft oleagenous mutter.


----------



## Ditto

These are all lol 

How did you do that 'snip' thing Contused, I likes that.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> These are all lol
> 
> How did you do that 'snip' thing Contused, I likes that.


Going back to your previous post, I hit the 'Reply' button and this appeared…



Ditto said:


> A desperate lady from Manc
> Decided to hold up a bank
> She wore a thick stocking
> but her knees were knocking
> Her idea was so obviously rank...
> 
> ...as is my go at a limerick



I highlighted the five lines of your limerick and deleted them, which left…



Ditto said:


> ...as is my go at a limerick



I deleted the emoji/smiley, which left…



Ditto said:


> ...as is my go at a limerick



I then simply inserted <snip> at the start and finish, which left…

[ QUOTE="Ditto, post: 949518, member: 17111"]<snip>...as is my go at a limerick…<snip>[ /QUOTE]

Then I posted the result. I hope the explanation is not too long-winded!


----------



## Jodee

There was an old fool from Poole
Who fell in Love with a stool
When stool went to bed
fool lost his head
and could no longer keep his Cool

 jodee 2


----------



## Jodee

There was a type 2 talking gibberish
Twas the sugar that made him feverish
Hyper like kids on squishees
Type 2 had a hissy
When told to sit down and eat a fish

Jodee 2


----------



## Contused

There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was smitten with carnal desire,
And the primary cause
Was the abbess' drawers,
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.


----------



## Jodee

There was a young gal from detroit
whose fancy was ice cream and spice
Along came an ozzie
who said she would look good in a cozzie
But wondered if this was an ozzie exploit


----------



## Jodee

Who came along the dark desserted lane
Lined with bramble and henbane
Was it Gerry from the Croft
Or Henry from the Loft
No it was old Albert leaning on his cane.


----------



## Jodee

Twas a cold dark winters night
The wind was howling and no street lights
Someone came a knocking at the door
as the wind howled some more
Twas Sparky from the store asking if I was allright


----------



## Jodee

Ditto and snips were out one day
They passed a field with a huge bundle of hay
Snip thought I could go  investigate that
Ditto was distracted by a lady in a grey hat
Who was eating a Sundae Bombay


----------



## Jodee

Contused from Gloucester went to see Docb
Oh doc you gotta help me it is my knee
Doc said come lets take a look
then doc referred to his medicine book
Looks like you knelt down on a gathering of bees


----------



## Docb

Not sure that's a classic limerick Jodee, but thanks for the name check!!


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Candy,
Who made do, when no boys were handy,
With a girlfriend or two…
Sometimes Betty Lou,
But more often Belinda and Mandy.


----------



## Contused

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier.
He danced hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier.
He danced hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
But he wouldn't do anything riskier.
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

As it's St Valentine's Day…

Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that may be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Mollie to Millie,
"That is, if he asks me, you see." 

and Willie's thoughts on the matter…

Some day, ere she grows too antique,
In marriage her hand I shall seek.
If she's not a coquette,
Which I'd greatly regret,
She shall share my six dollars a week.


----------



## Docb

A type 2 who was known as confused
Wrote limericks that always amused
He showed us he can
Make all of them scan
And no subject is ever refused


----------



## Contused

Docb said:


> A type 2 who was known as ConTused
> Wrote limericks that always amused
> He showed us he can
> Make all of them scan
> And no subject [is]/[was] ever refused


I wish!


----------



## Contused

Young men who woo girls with candy
Don't know that there's something more handy.
When the lights are down low,
And there's nowhere to go,
Beguile them with glasses of brandy.


----------



## Ditto

Cheese! Doh, it took me ages to get that.


----------



## Ditto

There was an old lady from Sale
Lifestyle completely beyond the pale 
When told get a grip
Needs must shoot from the hip
So soon will be hearty and hale!


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Cheese! Doh, it took me ages to get that.


Yes, me too. It confused me for ages until Gonville and Caius college appeared on University Challenge some years ago.

How about some confusing rhymes for Sioux?

A wandering tribe, called the Siouxs,
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs.
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hiouxs.

When out on the warpath, the Siouxs
March single file - never by tiouxs -
And by ‘blazing’ the trees
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forests ne’er liouxs.


----------



## Contused

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of the Cape,
Who made himself garments of crepe.
When I asked, "Do they tear?"
He replied, "Here and there.
But they're perfectly splendid for shape."


----------



## Ditto

Loving the Sioux ones...


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Cape Finisterre,
Who walked out each night with the Minister.
She said, "I just aspire
To a place in the choir."
But some thought her motives more sinister.


----------



## Contused

A menagerie came to Cape Race,
Where they loved the gorilla's grimace.
It surprised them to learn
That he owned the concern.
He was human, in spite of his face!


----------



## Ditto

LOL


----------



## Contused

There was a strange man from Cape Wrath,
Who bathed in some bright-coloured cloth.
When asked for the reason,
He said, "It's the season.
It's not quite as hot as it wath."


----------



## Contused

A novice was driving a car,
When down Porlock his son said, "Papa,
If you drive at this rate,
We are bound to be late.
Drive faster!" Well, he did and they are!


----------



## Contused

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
In fact, she became rather perky.
- Ronnie Barker

There was an old fossil named Lear,
Whose verses were boring and drear,
His last lines were worse,
Just the same as the first!
So I've tried to improve on them here.
- Ronnie Barker


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Caracas,
Who was ever so fond of his tacos,
But with one sip of brew
He discovered it's true
That it's nicer to worship god Bacchus.


----------



## Contused

Van Gogh, feeling devil-may-care,
Labelled one of his efforts 'The Chair'.
No-one knows if the bloke
Perpetrated a joke,
Or the furniture needed repair.


----------



## Contused

There was a magician named Carr,
Who used to be billed as a star.
His future looked sweet
'Til he walked down the street,
And - *Presto!* - turned into a bar.


----------



## Ditto

Checking in for my daily lol.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Checking in for my daily lol.


Little *ditto marks*: simple and neat.
*"* *"* *"*     : aren't they a treat?
Place them right below text,
*"* *"*     there to show next
Where each word, up above, should repeat.
- C. Silliman


----------



## Contused

A painter, unencumbered with cash,
Said, "It's time to be making a splash.
I can paint, if I care,
Things to startle and scare,
Though I'm fully aware they are trash."


----------



## Contused

The career of a Fellow called Castor,
One day met with sudden disaster.
When he came into Hall
Wearing nothing at all,
And made a rude sign at the Master.


----------



## Contused

Eli Whitney once said with chagrin,
To his wife, "Dear, your drinking's a sin,
And you're in, now, so deep,
That I'll thank you to keep
Your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin."


----------



## Contused

The eminent basso, Chaliapin,
Loved the sound of an audience clappin'.
But that tuneful go-getter
Loved one thing even better:
Spending hours in bed simply nappin'.


----------



## Contused

The gamekeeper of Lady Chatterley
Was rewarded most often with flattery.
"Though I feel quite a beast,"
She reflected, "At least,
I'm having it off more than latterly."


----------



## Contused

A poet from Cheltenham Spa
Had a breakdown while driving his car.
As he scribbled a sonnet,
Said his bird, 'neath the bonnet,
"You take women's lib much too far."


----------



## Contused

A vessel has sailed from Chicago
With barrels of port for a cargo;
For Boston she's bound,
Preceded, I've found,
By another with beans from near Fargo.


----------



## Contused

An innocent lady in Chichester,
One day asked an elderly visitor,
"Now why's it illicit
For a girl to solicit,
When a man can become a solicitor?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a stitcher with chills,
Who thought needlework cured her ills.
Her shakes made it crooked,
And viewers mistook it
For work by one stewed to the gills.


----------



## Contused

A Spoonerick…

The alarm on the stand starts to chime,
And Marceau from his covers does climb.
Two bread slices down
Until they are brown…
His breakfast fare, *toast of the mime*.


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Chislehurst,
Who before she could pee had to whistle first.
One sad day in June
She forgot the tune,
She whistled, but sadly her bladder burst.


----------



## Contused

"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chlöe,
"You've told me my bosom is snowy.
You've made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now do something… there's a good boy!"


----------



## Contused

"Come now," said Bell, "this is choice.
The first telephone! Let's rejoice!
Now listen, folks all
To the very first call."
"Sorry, number engaged," said a voice.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl in the choir,
Whose voice rose higher and higher
'Til it reached such a height
It was clear out of sight,
And they found it next day in the spire.


----------



## Contused

Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
Yet a man who loved 'playing with fire'.
He wrestled a bear,
Who didn't play fair…
Now he's singing a full octave higher.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Cholmondley,
Who mused to herself rather glolmondley,
"Were it not for my squint
And my rubicund tint,
I might be considered quite colmondley."


----------



## Contused

There was a young chappie called Cholmondley,
Who always at dinner sat dolmondley.
His fair partner said
As he crumpled his bread,
"Dear me, you do behave rolmondley!"
- Punch, 1902


----------



## Ditto

Ha! That used to describe me to a tee. LOL.


----------



## Contused

"What have I done?" said Christine.
"I've ruined the party machine.
To lie in the nude
Is not very rude,
But to lie in the House is obscene."

_(Christine Keeler's liaison with the cabinet minister, John Profumo, led to him telling porkies in the House of Commons.)_


----------



## Contused

We've got a new maid called Chrysanthemum,
Who said, "I have just come from Grantham, mum.
I lost my last place
In the sorest disgrace,
'Cos I snored through the National Anthem, mum."


----------



## Contused

Sally Nevin plays organ in church
With no rhythm at all, just a lurch
At the start of each hymn.
Her musicianship's dim,
So the vestry's engaged in a search.


----------



## Contused

A maiden who wrote of big cities,
Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
Sold her stuff at the shop
Of a musical fop,
Who played all her soft little ditties.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from the city,
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He just gave it a pat
And said, "Nice little cat."
They buried his clothes, out of pity.


----------



## Contused

There once was a co-ed named Clapper,
In psychology class, quite a napper,
But her Freudian dreams
Were so classic, it seems,
That now she's a _Phi Beta Kappa_.


----------



## C&E Guy

There once was a fellow called Cyrus
Who lived in great fear of the virus
He had toilet rolls galore
That he'd bought from the store
He was convinced that the thing would expire us!


----------



## Contused

A desperate spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
And prayed to her God
For a romp on the sod…
A passer-by answered her prayer.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Clarice,
Who lived in the city of Paris.
She wandered with Sartre,
The streets of Montmartre,
But she married a chap called Bert Harris.


----------



## Contused

A professor who flunked his whole class
Was arrested for having the brass,
In this modern milieu,
To adhere to the view
'If you don't do the work, you don't pass.'


----------



## Contused

A keen listener to Classic FM
Said, "Oh, no! Not that again,"
So he tuned BBC,
And on Radio 3,
Heard the same bloody piece once again.


----------



## Contused

In this book every line has been clean.
Not a word that's profane or obscene,
Or spelled in four letters
That might pain our betters,
Or _snafu…_ if you know what we mean.


----------



## Contused

This poem's entirely clean,
Not a word that's profane or obscene,
Not a thought incorrect
To offend any sect,
And not funny… see what I mean?


----------



## Contused

To a dwarf, said his doctor, "It's clear
That your ailment is fatal, I fear."
"Well," the dwarf said, "I think
That I'll buy one last drink
For my friends and for me a short bier."


----------



## Ditto

Some crackers there.


----------



## Contused

The bashful young batchelor Cleary
Of girls was exceedingly leery.
Then a lady named Lou
Showed him how and with who
He could render his evenings more cheery.


----------



## Ian86

There once was a man named Kieth 
Who circumcised men with his teeth, 
This wasnt for leisure or sexual pleasure, 
But to get to the cheese underneath. 

Apologies if this is inappropriate


----------



## Ditto

LOL and ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww


----------



## Contused

Said the boy driving home towards Clere,
"We've just run out of petrol, my dear."
Said the girl, "Not to worry!
I'm not in a hurry.
You just get out and push, and I'll steer."


----------



## Contused

Let's abolish the tattered _cliché_.
Let's aggressively drive it away.
I'm sure you'll agree
To join forces with me,
In the meantime… have a good day!


----------



## Contused

She invented the name and it clicked,
Though her husband with treachery tricked.
On the morn of the treason
His wife asked, "What's the reason
You're not eating your eggs, Benedict?"


----------



## Wirrallass

Thanks for your many many contributions to this thread @Contused (and others) lifted my spirits for sure.
WL


----------



## Contused

Wirralass said:


> Thanks for your many many contributions to this thread @Contused (and others) lifted my spirits for sure.
> WL


You're very welcome. They've fascinated me for 70 years or so. Of those extant, very few have become extinct, or so someone said!


----------



## Wirrallass

Contused said:


> Said the boy driving home towards Clere,
> "We've just run out of petrol, my dear."
> Said the girl, "Not to worry!
> I'm not in a hurry.
> You just get out and push, and I'll steer."



This reminds me of when our car broke down in the middle of nowhere but somewhere in Wales. I removed my tights so my o/h could make a makeshift fan belt! We didn't get far and had to sleep in the car. The next morning we waited for passing traffic to stop & hitched a lift to the nearest garage. 
WL


----------



## Contused

Wirralass said:


> View attachment 13678
> This reminds me of when our car broke down in the middle of nowhere but somewhere in Wales. I removed my tights so my o/h could make a makeshift fan belt! We didn't get far and had to sleep in the car. The next morning we waited for passing traffic to stop & hitched a lift to the nearest garage.
> WL


Oh dear, benighted in the wilds of Wales. I've had two near misses in Snowdonia when cooling system hoses burst after arduous climbs up the Llanberis Pass. However, I still enjoyed the holidays.

D'you fancy rhyming Squirrel, Virile and Wirral?


----------



## Contused

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold,
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
- Edward Lear


----------



## mikeyB

Contused said:


> Oh dear, benighted in the wilds of Wales. I've had two near misses in Snowdonia when cooling system hoses burst after arduous climbs up the Llanberis Pass. However, I still enjoyed the holidays.
> 
> D'you fancy rhyming Squirrel, Virile and Wirral?



Oh, it was the _car_ doing the arduous climbs. I thought my anatomy knowledge had disappeared...


----------



## Contused

Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No… but I visit there often."


----------



## Contused

A certain old maid of Cohoes,
In despair, taught her bird to propose.
But the parrot, dejected
At being accepted,
Spoke some lines too profane to disclose.


----------



## Contused

Said a zealous young student named Coles,
"As we always term Polish folk 'Poles',
I am more than inclined,
With my logical mind,
To designate Holland's sons 'Holes'."


----------



## Contused

There once was a choleric colonel,
Who used oaths both obscene and infernal,
'Til the Chaplin, aghast,
Gave up protest at last,
And just wrote them down in his journal.


----------



## Contused

An unpopular youth of Cologne
With a pain in his stomach did mogne.
He heaved a great sigh,
And said, "I would digh,
But the loss would be only my ogne."


----------



## Contused

A boy who played tunes on a comb,
Had become such a nuisance at homb,
His ma spanked him, and then,
"Will you do it again?"
And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."


----------



## Docb

Like those last two confused.


----------



## Contused

The department is run by committee,
And I say it's all quite a pity.
Like canvassing the vote
In a land quite remote,
When the election is held in the city.


----------



## Contused

A mathematician confided
That a Möbius strip is one-sided.
You'll get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided.


----------



## Andy HB

But not if you cut it along the 1/3rd line....






This is not a limerick
As you can see I am thick
But I will try
Because I am fly
Tick tick, tick tick, tick tick.

Andy (couldn't work out how to end it) HB


----------



## Contused

Andy HB said:


> But not if you cut it along the 1/3rd line....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> This is not a limerick
> As you can see I am thick
> But I will try
> Because I am fly
> Tick tick, tick tick, tick tick.
> <snip>


Well done. A good effort.

Sadly this is not a limerick
As you can see, but as I'm not thick
I shall give it a go.
I'll just snip it quite slow,
Much as you'll see in the filler pic.


----------



## Contused

I confess, and my stomach confirms,
That something inside of me squirms,
When I read in the pages
Of history's Dark Ages,
Men partook of a Diet of Worms.


----------



## Contused

A bore asked in brief conversation
If I believed in reincarnation.
I said, "Yes!  You of course
Were the front end of a horse…
Your presence is pure confirmation!"


----------



## Contused

A very smart lady named Cookie
Said, "I like to mix gambling with nookie.
Before every race
I go home to my place
And curl up with a very good bookie."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter
A tutor who taught her
To balance green peas on her fork.


----------



## Contused

A naïve young lady of Cork
Was told she was brought by the stork.
But after a day
With a gent named O'Shea,
She distrusted all that sort of talk.


----------



## Contused

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Extracting cube roots of infinity.
An assignment for boys,
This will minimize noise
And produce a more peaceful vicinity.


----------



## Contused

A Señora, who strolled on the Corso,
Displayed quite a lot of her torso.
A crowd soon collected
And no one objected,
Though some were in favour of more so.

Corso = promenade


----------



## Contused

Have you heard about Mrs. Cotell?
She checked into the Eden Motel
For a blissful weekend
With the friend of a friend,
But when she got home, she couldna tell.


----------



## Contused

A fellow from Nome with a cough,
Would snicker and snortle and scoff,
At warm woollen drawers,
When going outdoors…
'Twas pneumonia that carried him off.


----------



## Contused

Colonel Custer said, "Good folks, of course,
I do not have the slightest remorse
For what I have done
To see the west won
And just who is this guy, Crazy Horse?"


----------



## Contused

The cautious collapsible cow
Gives milk by the sweat of her brow;
Then under the trees
She folds her front knees
And sinks fore and aft with a bow.


----------



## Contused

A budding young playwright named Coward
Came into the Twenties and flowered.
He continued to sparkle
Until the Debacle…
Now the fruit is a teeny bit soured.


----------



## Contused

One for Geordies, Mackems and Sanddancers everywhere…

"Divvent fash, canny lass from Sou' Shiel's,
But yor Nan has jus' now cowped her creels.
     This upset spectac'lar,
     Expressed in vernac'lar,
Tells me that she'd gone head over heels."
- Contused


----------



## Contused

The cruellest of creatures, the crab,
With claws that can pinch you or stab,
And then when you dine
On crab and white wine
It gets you as well with the tab.


----------



## Contused

An eclectic collector called Crandall,
Acquired, with the aid of a vandal,
The bottled remains
Of John Maynard Keynes,
And the organs of Georg Friederich Händel.

Boom Boom!


----------



## Docb

That one deserves a boom boom!


----------



## Contused

Docb said:


> That one deserves a boom boom!


Ok, done!


----------



## Contused

The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
At breakfast with horrid dismay,
So he launched off the spoons
The pits from his prunes
At their heads as they neared the buffet.


----------



## Contused

The Abominable Snowman's a creature
That has a singular feature;
A rather large eye
That looks up at the sky.
It reminds me a lot of my teacher.


----------



## Contused

Albert Einstein's the man we must credit
For being the man who first said it.
The name of the game
That brought him his fame
Was E = mc squared… Geddit?


----------



## Contused

A certain young gourmet of Crediton
Took some paté de foie gras and spread it on
A chocolate biscuit,
Then murmured, "I'll risk it."
His tomb bears the date that he said it on.


----------



## Contused

In New Orleans dwelled a young Creole
Who, when asked if her hair was all reole,
Replied with a shrug,
"Just give it a tug
And decide by the way that I squeole."


----------



## Contused

There was an old sailor of Crete,
Whose peg-legs propelled him quite neat.
"Strong liquor," he said,
"Never goes to my head,
And I know it can't go to my feet."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Crete,
Who dreamed that she danced in the street.
Although it did seem
A peculiar dream,
There was mud on the soles of her feet.


----------



## Contused

A railway official at Crewe
Met an engine one day that he knew.
Though he nodded and bowed,
The engine was proud,
And it cut him… it cut him in two.


----------



## Contused

A society climber from Crewe
Enquired, "What on earth shall I do?
I of course know what's what,
But I fear I have not
The faintest idea of Who's Who."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Crewe
Who wanted to catch the 2.02.
Said the porter, "Don't worry,
Or hurry, or scurry,
It's a minute or two to 2.02."


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow from Croydon,
Whose cook was a cute little hoyden.
She would sit on his knees
While shelling the peas,
Or pleasanter duties employed on.


----------



## Contused

To a newsgroup for rhymers I cruised,
Whilst the rest of my family snoozed.
Now it's here I'll deposit
The rhymes from my closet,
In hopes that you'll all be amused.


----------



## Docb

A young man who was self isolating
Thought he'd score with internet dating.
He dropped the idea,
When it became very clear,
It would be a long wait for the mating


----------



## Contused

Either…
A fanatic gun-lover named Crust
Was perverse to the point of disgust.
His idea of a peach
Had a sixteen-inch breech
And a pearl-handled .44 bust.

Or…
A fanatic gun-lover named Crust
Was perverse to the point of disgust.
His choice to despoil
Had zero recoil,
And a .44 magnum plus bust.


----------



## Contused

A musician fleeing from Cuba,
To start a new life in Aruba,
Packed most of his haul,
But the bag was too small.
He couldn't quite fit in his tuba.


----------



## Contused

"Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed.
"For my birthday… it's my sixty-first…
I thought I'd look cute 
In a real birthday suit."
"Well, next time, please iron it first!"


----------



## Contused

What led to the crassness of Custer,
With hardly a unit to muster?
At the little Big Horn,
Sitting Bull gave a yawn,
And said, "You're a sitting duck, buster!"


----------



## Contused

Said Mendel, "Genetics are cute,
And I've just created a beaut.
I put a frog in a sack 
With a political hack,
And got me a Newt in a suit."


----------



## Ditto

LOL at tuba and iron it first!


----------



## Contused

A cute secretary, none cuter,
Was replaced by a clicking computer.
'Twas the wife of the boss
Who put this deal across,
You see, the computer was neuter.


----------



## Contused

Imagining Trick or Treat…

A bunny just left, a real cutey,
Now another thing comes seeking booty.
Red fire in its eyes,
Dripping fangs of great size,
Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!


----------



## Contused

There once was a young man named Cyril,
Who was kissed in a wood by a squirrel,
And he liked it so good
That he stayed in the wood
Just as long as the squirrel stayed virile.


----------



## Contused

A limerick should brighten your day,
Be witty, perceptive and gay.
A neat little verse
Will do nothing worse
Than banish your bad blues away.


----------



## Contused

Said the octogenarian, Sid,
Who awoke feeling spry as a kid,
"One's as young as one feels;
I can jump, click my heels,
And not fall on my face." But he did.


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady named Jean,
Who thought late October was keen.
She'd straddle a broom
And run 'round the room,
To celebrate each Halloween.


----------



## Contused

There lives in our attic young Roger,
A very agreeable lodger.
He never complains,
And we hope he remains
Until Roger our lodger's a codger.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted.
He would go to a party
And eat just as hearty,
As if he'd been really invited.


----------



## Contused

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd.
She was frightened, it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her,
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and meowed.


----------



## Contused

Said an envious, erudite ermine,
"There's one thing I cannot determine,
When a dame wears my coat,
She's a person of note;
When I wear it, I'm called a vermin!"


----------



## Contused

A canny young fisher named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in…
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.


----------



## Contused

A newspaper man named Fling
Could make 'copy' from any old thing,
But the copy he wrote
Of a five dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.


----------



## Contused

A tutor, who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"


----------



## Contused

A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found,
So he just rhododendron, of course.


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
As she lay on her side,
More stars she espied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.


----------



## Contused

The Sultan got sore with his harem,
And invented a scheme for to scare 'em.
He caught him a mouse,
Which he loosed in the house.
The confusion is called harem-scarem.


----------



## Contused

A nifty young flapper named Jane,
While walking, was caught in the rain.
She ran home, almost flew,
Her complexion did too,
And she reached home exceedingly plain.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, "This might have been worse.
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn't come out of my purse."


----------



## Contused

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take… have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named May,
Who read a love story each day.
"It's funny," she said,
When at last she was wed,
"I'd no notion that life was this way."


----------



## Contused

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin;
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out…
What a blessing they didn't fall in!


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Munich,
Whose appetite simply was unich.
"There's quite nothing like food,"
She contentedly cooed,
As she let out three tucks in her tunic.


----------



## Contused

There once was a guy named Othello,
A dark, disagreeable fellow;
After croaking his wife,
He then took his own life…
That guy wasn't black, he was yellow!


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply doted on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she pickled her internal workins'.


----------



## Contused

Anthony Euwer wrote a sequence of limericks which he called The Limeratomy, a word which combines ‘limerick’ and ‘anatomy’. Here are a few. As Euwer explained it…

As I lay in my bed on the flat o’ me,
I was shocked at the sight of the fat o’ me,
So to keep my nerves steady
I concocted and edi-
ted this luminous, lim’rick anatomy.

The ankle’s chief end is exposiery
Of the latest designs in silk hosiery;
Also, I suspect,
It’s a means to connect
The part called the calf with the toesiery.

As a beauty I’m not a great star,
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it…
’Tis the folks in the front that I jar.

The hands, they were made to assist
In supplying the features with grist.
There are only a few,
As a rule about two,
And are hitched to the end of the wrist.

No matter how grouchy you’re feeling,
You’ll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth,
Thus preserving the face from congealing.


----------



## Contused

To compose a sonata today,
Don't proceed in the old-fashioned way.
With your toes on the keys,
Bang the floor with your knees,
"Oh how modern!" the critics will say.


----------



## Contused

Here lies a young salesman named Phipps,
Who married, on one of his trips,
A widow named Block,
Then died of the shock,
When he saw there were six little chips.


----------



## Contused

I'd rather have fingers than Toes;
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And as for my hair,
I'm glad it's all there.
I'll be awfully said, when it goes.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire…
'Most any last line will do here!


----------



## Contused

A cheerful old bear at the Zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him, you know,
To walk to and fro,
He reversed it and walked fro and to.


----------



## Contused

The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
They quarreled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.


----------



## Sparkle

There once was a laptop who said
'What a wonderful life I have led,
My owner, Miss Lexy, is ever so sexy,
And quite often takes me to bed!'

There was a young fellow called Ted
Who liked to get girls into bed
But sadly he chose one
Whose  Dad had a shotgun
And now he has had to get wed

There was a young man called Dwight
Who thought he was losing his sight
He confessed to his brother
Who said ‘pull the other,
You’ve forgotten to switch on the light.'


----------



## Contused

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.


----------



## Contused

It filled Galileo with mirth
To watch his two rocks fall to Earth.
He gladly proclaimed,
"Their rates are the same,
And quite independent of girth!"

Then Newton announced in due course
His own law of gravity's force.
"It goes, I declare,
As the inverted square
Of the distance from object to source."

But remarkably, Einstein's equation
Succeeds to describe gravitation
As spacetime that's curved,
And it's this that will serve
As the planets' unique motivation.

Yet the end of the story's not written;
By a new way of thinking we're smitten.
We twist and we turn,
Attempting to learn
The Superstring Theory of Witten!


----------



## Contused

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss
When asked, “Why so blue?”
Said, “I haven’t a clue.
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.”


----------



## Contused

I'm papering walls in the loo
And, quite frankly, I haven't a clue,
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.


----------



## Contused

The shoes of old Eskimo Joe
Fell apart as he walked in the snow.
"Have you needle and thread?"
I enquired, but he said,
"No, igloo them not sew them, you know."


----------



## Contused

'Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of Pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3,
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene.
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon,
And since then has never benzene!


----------



## Contused

A mosquito was heard to complain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro-
Triphenyldichloroethane.


----------



## Contused

Is it me or the nature of money
That's odd and peculiar? Funny,
But when I have dough
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.


----------



## Contused

At 16 I sighed as I hoped
For a bike like a Harley. I groped
In my pocket for cash
And bought something less flash…
Then I sat on my moped and moped.


----------



## Contused

Remember when nearly sixteen
On your very first date as a teen
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess
What was shown on the cinema screen.


----------



## Contused

The incredible Wizard of Oz
Retired from his business becoz
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.


----------



## Contused

There was an old person of Fratton,
Who would go to church with his hat on.
"If I wake up," he said,
"With a hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn't been sat on."


----------



## Contused

Limericks I cannot compose
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy
Because I was sniffing my toes.


----------



## Contused

The two names for the city, Salisbury and Sarum, are humorously alluded to in a 1928 limerick from Punch:

There was an old Sultan of Salisbury
Who wanted some wives for his halisbury,
So he had them sent down
By a fast train from town,
For he thought that his motor would scalisbury.

The ambiguous pronunciation was also used in the following limerick, which also alludes to 'Hants', the shortened form of Hampshire:

There was a young curate of Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite Halisbury-Scalisbury.
He wandered round Hampshire,
Without any pampshire,
Till the Vicar compelled him to Walisbury.


----------



## Contused

Amazingly, antelope stew
Is supposedly better for you
Than a goulash of rat
Or Hungarian cat…
But I guess that you probably gnu.


----------



## Contused

My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around
If I didn't curb the sound
Of the classical music I play.

I told him, "Get out of my place.
You're an utter uncultured disgrace.
You're a simpleton loon.
Don't you know a good tune?"
Then he walloped me square in the face.


----------



## Contused

A young gourmet while dining at Crewe,
Found a rather large mouse in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."


----------



## Contused

There was an old man from Darjeeling,
Who travelled from London to Ealing.
It said on the door,
'Please don't spit on the floor',
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.


----------



## Contused

There was a young dentist who thrilled
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed…
With the old Black & Decker™ he's skilled.


----------



## Contused

A motor mechanic named Fox
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.
They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest,
With his spanner and jack in the box.


----------



## Contused

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheesemonger's shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound…
Leaving only a pile of de brie.


----------



## Contused

“It’s crescent shaped rolls that I want,”
Cooed the shapely, urbane debutante.
“Didn’t rush off to town
And just scarf 1 Down…
I relaxed when I 8 Across aunt.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Harris
Whom nothing could ever embarrass,
'Til the salts that she shook
In the bath that she took
Turned out to be Plaster of Paris.


----------



## Contused

I am really determined and keen
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today…
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.


----------



## Contused

I've done it! I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some
In my legs and my bum
I've not used since the year I was born.


----------



## Ditto

LOL  some crackers there but the Salisbury one went over my head, unlike Poirot I don't have the little grey cells. I luv a good laugh.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> LOL  some crackers there but the Salisbury one went over my head, unlike Poirot I don't have the little grey cells. I luv a good laugh.


OK, then here's a 'translation'.

There was an old Sultan of Sarum
Who wanted some wives for his harem,
So he had them sent down
By a fast train from town,
For he thought that his motor would scare 'em.

There was a young curate of Sarum,
Whose manners were quite Harum-Scarum.
He wandered round Hants,
Without any pants,
Till the Vicar compelled him to Wear 'em.


----------



## Contused

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a couple of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."


----------



## Contused

A he-melon suffering droop
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop,
And he beamed as he said,
"Come away, let's be wed."
But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.


----------



## Contused

This limerick's simply sublime
And inspiring in meter and rhyme.
It expresses but nought
With intelligent thought
And to write it used acres of time.


----------



## Contused

A long time ago an old Squire
Met a pretty young lass in a choir
And said, "Miss, can we dance?"
But she told him, "No chance;
For I fear that I'm Handel's miss, sire."


----------



## Contused

I need a front door for my hall.
The replacement I bought was too tall,
So I hacked it and chopped it
And carefully lopped it…
And now the dumb thing is too small.


----------



## Contused

An odd-looking guy from Beruit
Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit.
More bizarre though, by far,
He would wave a cigar
And shout, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."


----------



## Contused

A report has come in from the Soemba
That their salvoes go off like a rhumba.
Two guns, they sound fine,
But the third five point nine,
He am bust and refuse to go boomba.
- Captain Nicholl, RN, during WWII

Captain Nicholl, the first to see the report, speeded things up when he started his paperwork with a limerick:
"A report has come in from the Soemba
That their salvoes go off like a rhumba.
Two guns, they sound fine,
But the third five point nine,
He am bust and refuse to go boomba."

The other authorities dealing with this problem also got the hang of it and the whole matter was dealt with in about a dozen limericks. An example was the one from the Emergency "Despair section" (ironically for "Repair section") sent the following limerick:
"To find any yard for the Soemba
We have searched from the Clyde to the Hoomba (Humber),
But we haven't got room
For Van Tromp's ruddy broom, *
Much less for this useless old Loomba (Lumber)."

Even the First Sea Lord, Admiral Cunningham participated in a later stage, and Captain van Holthe, vice-chief of staff of the Dutch navy and liason with the British Admiralty closed the "Soemba Docket" with a limerick:
"After so much backchat, it is but right,
That Soemba should join in this fight,
Because she loves very much
To be rude too, and in Dutch
So no one can read it, serve you right."

The Soemba received her gun in time and the Dutch officers found the whole thing amazing. After serving at Normandy, her guns were worn out again, but she was determined not worthy of repair and laid up until the end of the war. After the war, she was converted into an auxiliary training vessel for radar operators, and scrapped eventually.

*  Note: The "ruddy broom" was hoisted on the main mast by Tromp after a victory over English fleet.


----------



## Contused

This limerick is so filthy, that all the of the EXTREMELY offensive parts were replaced by 'Da Da DAA.'

Da Da DAA Da Da DAA Da Da DAA,
Da Da DAA Da Da DAA Da Da DAA.
Da Da DAA Da Da DAA,
Da Da DAA Da Da DAA,
Da Da DAA Da Da DAA Da two bucks!


----------



## Contused

George Washington said to his dad,
"You know that big fruit tree you had?
I've just chopped it down.
Now, father, don't frown,
I can't tell a lie. Aren't you glad?"


----------



## Contused

A book and a jug and a dame,
And a nice cozy nook for the same…
"And I don't care a damn,"
Said Omar Khayyam,
"What you say, it's a great little game."


----------



## Contused

There once was a man who said, "Damn!
It is borne in upon me I am
An engine that moves
In predestinate grooves.
I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram."


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Dan,
Who knew about _sin_, _cos_, and _tan_.
He talked rather big
Of his knowledge of trig…
He did seem a clever young man.


----------



## Contused

A Victorian gent said, "This dance,
The can-can, which we've got from France,
Fills me with disgust.
It generates lust…
You should see it while you have the chance."


----------



## Contused

Said a boy to his teacher one day,
"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say."
And the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed,
"Right! Wright, write 'rite' right, right away!"


----------



## Contused

From the elephant paddock one day,
They took poor Barbara Woodhouse away.
There's no harm, in the least,
Shouting 'Sit' to the beast,
But she should have got out of the way.


----------



## Contused

Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow, where they liked to play,
When the male made a pass
At the other, a lass,
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.


----------



## Contused

It is said that an apple a day
Will help keep the doctor away,
But if that apple were green
With a worm in between,
You might wish for another _entrée_.


----------



## Contused

'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks,
There are those here for cerebral sakes.
So four them (both of you!)
How can this be true…
This limerick contains three misteaks?


----------



## Contused

There was a faith-healer of Deal
Who said, "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin,
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."


----------



## Contused

Mrs. Whitehouse, mixed bathing at Deal,
Emitted a loud piercing squeal.
It seems she had fingered
A something that lingered…
And it certainly wasn't an eel.


----------



## Contused

At Harvard a randy old Dean
Said, "The funniest jokes are obscene.
To bowdlerize wit
Takes the mirth out of it…
Who wants a limerick clean?"


----------



## Contused

"There is now in our lab," said the Dean,
"A most clever and wondrous machine,
Wherewith Oedipus Rex
Could have learned about sex
By himself… without help from the Queen."


----------



## Contused

Said the nurse to the patient, "Oh dear,
Your symptoms are not very clear."
With his attention diverted,
She quickly inserted
The thermometer into his rear.


----------



## Contused

The poet just couldn't decide,
"It is such a dilemma!" he cried.
"Must my poems all rhyme?
Surely not all the time?
Or else my professor has lied."


----------



## Contused

A man who had lately declared
That property ought to be shared,
Thought it going too far
When they called for his car,
And a list of exceptions prepared.


----------



## Contused

A delinquent, today, is defined
As a waif to whom life was unkind.
But, now, won't you agree
That the problem might be
That no one ever tanned his behind?


----------



## Contused

All persons of higher degree
Are proud of a long pedigree,
And even the masses
Of inferior classes,
Unless they are misled, agree.


----------



## Contused

There was a young priest named Delaney,
Who said to the girls, "_Nota bene_,
'Twould tempt the Archbishop
The way that you swish up
Your skirts when the weather is rainy."


----------



## Contused

Although liquor was Ogden's delight,
Every night he'd get high as a kite!
"One night I may abstain,"
He shouted with disdain,
"For New Year's Eve is Amateur Night!


----------



## Contused

A young woman, polite and demure,
Would reform the depraved and impure.
She found it a breeze
And did it with ease,
For her work was a mere sinecure.


----------



## Contused

Poor Ophelia sighed, "I deplore
The fact that young Hamlet's a bore.
He just talks to himself…
I'll be left on the shelf,
Or go mad by the end of Act IV."


----------



## Contused

"I must leave here," said Lady de Vere,
"For these damp airs don't suit me, I fear."
Said her friend, "Goodness me!
If they don't agree
With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"


----------



## Contused

The Roman Emperor Claudius was devious
And would stammer and dribble most grevious.
But these things, though uncouth,
Were like Goodness and Truth,
When compared to the Emperor previous.
_(Claudius's predecessor was Caligula)_


----------



## Contused

The SETI League aims to devise
A way to find life in the skies.
One day they will find
The truth for mankind
And take home their own Nobel Prize.
_(SETI = Search for ExtraTerrestial Intelligence)_


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Devizes,
Whose two ears were of different sizes.
Sadly one was so small
It was no use at all,
But the other was large and won prizes.


----------



## Contused

A singer they called Miss Diana,
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
She soon floated away,
While her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piana.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Dice,
Who remarked, "They say bigamy's nice.
Even two are a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse, it is spice."


----------



## Contused

A wife with a stutter from Dice,
Was caught by the rise in the price.
By the time that she panted
Out just what she wanted,
The cost of the stuff went up twice.


----------



## Contused

Three Aldis and not one of them dim,
Were Garib and Frescob and Grim.
One played and one clowned
And the other's renowned
For a biscuit that's named after him.


----------



## Contused

From the bathing-machine came a din
As of jollification within.
It was heard far and wide
And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.


----------



## Contused

There was a professor called Dingle,
Who made physicist's nerve-endings tingle.
His travelling clocks
Caused grave mental blocks,
In those who felt time should stay single.


----------



## Contused

A Chopin song causing disaster
Was surely a joke by the master.
_Il piu presto possibile_
He required, _incredibile_;
Turn the page and he urges _Still Faster_.


----------



## Contused

To avoid matrimonial disasters,
Young couples buy Johnson and Masters.
But trying new angles,
They get in such tangles,
They end up in splints and in plasters.

_(Better known as the Masters and Johnson research team )_


----------



## Contused

You can only catch mad cow disease
Eating beef… from pork pie and peas,
You can catch mad pig flu,
And from eating lamb stew,
You can catch mad sheep sickness with ease.


----------



## Contused

The babe with a cry, brief and dismal,
Fell into the waters baptismal.
'Ere they'd gathered its plight,
It had sunk out of sight,
For the depths of that font were abysmal.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Diss,
Who asked his friend's wife for a kiss.
Said the young lady, "This is
All wrong for a Mrs.
When a Mrs. no longer a Miss.


----------



## Contused

A toper who spies in the distance,
Striped tigers, will get some assistance
From reading Descartes,
Who holds that it's part
Of his duty to doubt their existence.

But if he's a student of Berkeley,
One thing will emerge, rather starkly,
That he ought to believe
What his senses perceive,
No matter how dimly or darkly.


----------



## Contused

I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing.
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing,
But please be of good cheer,
From what little I _DO_ hear,
I count missing the rest quite a blessing.


----------



## Contused

When asked to compose a wry ditty,
All rhymers from country and city,
Every Susan and Dick,
Came up with a trick
To write limericks nitty and gritty.


----------



## Contused

I tried to come up with a ditty
That was clever and clean and still witty,
But my failure was utter…
Guess my mind's in the gutter,
Every one I came up with was gritty!


----------



## Contused

There was an old man who said, "Do
Tell me how to add two and two.
It may not be more
Than just three or four…
But I fear that is rather too few."


----------



## Contused

In the earliest days of Dodge City
If your draw was not fast 'twas a pity.
On the stone at your head
The inscription that said
Something sad was so apt to be witty!


----------



## Contused

Opportunity knocks at the door.
It knocks just once and no more.
But temptation, unclean,
On the doorbell does lean,
And the bell seems to ring evermore.


----------



## Contused

The was an old woman of Dorset
Who put in her penny deporset,
But when she got there
She could only pass air…
That was hardly a pennyworth, worset?


----------



## Contused

If you're seeking your X-rated dose,
Rest assured that this ditty is gross,
With filth, sex and gore
'Til there's no room for more,
I won't write one again that comes close!


----------



## Contused

There was an old farmer named Dow,
Who said, "I feel wonderful now.
They've transplanted the tongue,
And a piece of the lung,
And the liver which came from  my cow."


----------



## Contused

"Oh teacher, please tell me," asked Doris,
"What kind of a beast is the loris?"
Said her teacher, named Creamer,
"It's the Indian lemur.
I fancy it's mentioned in Horace."


----------



## Contused

In the heat of the midday at Douz,
They go to their room for a snooze;
But somehow, it seems,
They never have dreams…
For a snooze is not quite what they choose.


----------



## Contused

A nasty old vampire named Dracula,
Had habits really spectacula.
He drank by the keg,
But 'twas pure Rh neg,
Red blood, to use the vernacula.


----------



## Contused

It is here that the line must be drawn,
Your missed punchline just fills me with scorn.
For the trainee replies,
With surprise in his eyes,
"I assure you, it tasted of prawn!"


----------



## Contused

"There is one thing I honestly dread,"
Said the marsupial quadruped.
"The kids cause such an ouch
When inside of my pouch,
And the dummies eat crackers in bed."


----------



## Contused

A cannibal once in a dream
Conceived of a dish quite supreme.
And to his delight
He was served it one night…
Fresh _Bwanas_ in heavy sour cream.
(Swahili: Bwana [plural Bwanas] Big boss, important person)


----------



## Contused

She said, as she buttoned her dress,
"Playing doctor was fun, but I guess
I prefer playing house
With you as my spouse,    
And it's your turn to clean up this mess."


----------



## Contused

There once was a student named Dresser,
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all;
And now he's a college professor.


----------



## Contused

There once was an artist who drew
Large crowds to blank canvases. "Oooh!"
Cried the critics, "The essence
Of post incandescence
Of conceptualised _deja vu!_"


----------



## Contused

A young Irish servant in Drogheda
Had a mistress who often annogheda;
Whereon she would swear
In a language so rare,
That thereafter no-one emplogheda.

A bookseller toiling in Drogheda
Had an assistant who often annogheda.
Complaints came in volumes,
And were stacked up in columes,
'Til she wished she had never emplogheda.


----------



## Ditto

Lol at the cannibal!


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Lol at the cannibal!


I enjoyed it too, having been surprised to see a Swahili word appearing in a limerick.


----------



## Ditto

Didn't realise it was Swahili.  Interesting.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Didn't realise it was Swahili.  Interesting.


Aah, live and learn innit!


----------



## Contused

Joe is an old farming dude,
Who's not in a real good mood.
The leverets got in,
Where his veggies had been…
And he can't stand hare in his food.


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Duluth,
Who wept when she thought of her youth,
Remembering chances
She missed at school dances,
And once in a telephone booth.


----------



## Contused

There once lived a youth in Duluth,
Who aspired to life as a sleuth.
But he soon changed his mind,
For it shocked him to find,
That the truth is so often uncouth.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Dumbarton
Who thought he could run like a Spartan.
On the thirtyninth lap
His braces went snap
And his face went a red Scottish tartan.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lass from Dundee,
Whose knowledge of French was _'Oui, oui.'_
When asked _'Parlez vous?'_
She replied, "Same to you."
A fine bit of fast _repartee._


----------



## Contused

There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, "When I eat
Either fish, foul or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."


----------



## Contused

A bibulous chap from Duquesne
Drank a whole jeraboam of champuesne.
Said he with a laugh,
As he quaughed the last quaugh,
"I tried to get drunk, but in vuesne."


----------



## Contused

Poore Richard, Prince Bishop of Durham, *
When told of Jack Lambton's large wurham **
Caught when Lambton missed church,
Said, "Now Jack, it's the birch
For you, and the wurham, we'll inturham." ***
- Contused
Ó¿Ò

  * Richard Poore, Prince Bishop of Durham, 1209-1213 and 1229-1237
 ** John Lambton, an heir of the Lambton Estate, County Durham
*** The Lambton Worm


----------



## Contused

Said a girl who was forced to go dutch,
On a love nest, "I don't mind too much.
Though I pay half the lease,
I collect half apiece…
From Smitty, Gil, Stu, Tim and Hutch."


----------



## Contused

To his wife said a grumbler named Dutton,
"I'm a gourmet, I am, not a glutton.
For ham, jam or lamb,
I don't give a damn.
Come on, let's return to our mutton."


----------



## Contused

Said the Duke to the Duchess of Avery,
“Forgive me for breaking your reverie.
You’ve been sitting on Punch
Since long before lunch;
Might I have it before it’s unsavoury?”


----------



## Contused

A dyslexic insomniac agnostic
Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic,
With his mind in a fog
Asking, "Is there a dog?"
And other things nearly as caustic.


----------



## Contused

In skool exams I’m egselling
So I rote my mother foreteling
All the results mite
Be curtainly rite,
Eksept perraps for my speling.

Job’s comforters now are emphatic
That his illnesses - whether rheumatic,
Sclerotic, arthritic,
Myopic, paralytic -
Were, quite simply, psychosomatic.


----------



## Contused

Golden weddings are seldom these days,
And a couple, once married, that stays
So together that long…
Fifty years… must be strong.
Many others go separate ways.
- zqms


----------



## Contused

There once was a young engineer
With a strong predilection for beer.
With a pint in one hand,
The river was spanned,
But how it stayed up was not clear.

There was a young lady named Etta
Who fancied herself in a sweater.
Three reasons she had,
To keep warm was not bad,
But the other two reasons were better.


----------



## Contused

Well, yes, you may fence, but don’t fight!
We all write the best we can write.
Words are not stones
And won’t break our bones,
But two rudes don’t make a polite.

A newspaper writer named Fling
Could make copy from ’most anything;
But the copy he wrote
Of a ten-dollar note
Was so good he is now in Sing Sing.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Florence
Who for kissing professed great abhorrence;
But when she’d been kissed
And found what she’d missed,
She cried till the tears came in torrents.

Concerning the bees and the flowers
In fields and gardens and bowers,
You’ll tell at a glance
Their ways of romance
Haven’t any resemblence to ours.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Frances
Who decided to better her chances,
By cleverly adding
Appropriate padding
To enlarge all her protuberances.

I once thought a lot of a friend,
Who turned out to be in the end,
The southernmost part…
As I’d feared from the start…
Of a horse with a northerly trend.


----------



## Contused

There once lived a certain Miss Gale,
Who turned most exceedingly pale,
For a mouse climbed her leg…
Don’t repeat this, I beg…
And a splinter got caught in its tail.

A lady from way down in Georgia
Became quite a notable forger,
But she faded from view
With a quaint I.O.U.
That she signed, “Miss Lucrezia Borgia.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Gibraltar
Who strangled her aunt with a halter.
She said, “I won’t bury her.
She’ll do for my terrier.
She should stay fresh for weeks if I salt her.”

In Paris, some visitors go
To see what no person should know.
And then there are tourists
Who think they are purists
And say it is quite _comme il faut_.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Golda,
Whose lovers grew colder and colder,
For during lovemaking
She’d sing the earthshaking
Love theme from _‘Tristun und Isolde’_.

There once was a maid with such graces
That her curves cried aloud for embraces.
“You look,” cried each he,
“Like a million to me,
Invested in all the right places!”


----------



## Contused

A painter who came from Great Britain
Hailed a lady who sat with her knittin’.
He remarked with a sigh,
“That park bench, well I
Just painted it, right where you’re sittin’.”

There was an old skinflint named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean
And flat and compressed,
That his back squeezed his chest,
And sideways, he couldn’t be seen.

Winter is here with his grouch;
The time when you sneeze and you slouch;
You can’t take your women
Canoeing or swimming:
But a lot can be done on a couch!


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in the spring in the fall.
’Twould have been a sad thing
Had he died in the spring,
But he didn’t… he died in the fall.

A certain young lady named Hannah
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
As she floated away,
Her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piannah.


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady named Harris
That nothing seemed apt to embarrass,
Till the bathsalts she shook
In a tub that she took,
Turned out to be Plaster-of-Paris.

A short-sighted man from Havana
Mixed clothing with flora and fauna.
He was heard to say, “Ouch!”
When a black posing pouch
Turned out to be three small piranha.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man in a hearse,
Who murmured, “This might have been worse.
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn’t come out of my purse.”

There was a young person called Herman
Who spoke both falsetto and German.
Behind the blond hair
There was somebody there,
But its sex one could never determine.


----------



## Contused

A strapping young man named Howard
Was reputed to be muscle-powered.
But when a small mouse
Crept into the house,
He jumped on a table, the coward.

There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died.
His unfortunate brother
Then fell down another,
And now they’re interred side by side.


----------



## Contused

A young man who shopped in Ikea
Fell in love with a salesgirl, Maria.
They’d furnished a flat
But then had a spat,
So Maria left him for Korea.

A cannibal monarch imperial
Kept his wives on a diet of cereal,
But he didn’t much care,
What the women should wear.
Nor did they, it was quite immaterial.


----------



## Contused

The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drinkers.
They worshipped the sun
And had lots of fun,
But the peons all thought them great stinkers.

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge, was before the court cited.
The Judge said, “Enough!
Your candle we’ll snough.
His sepulchre shall not be wighted.”


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl named Irene,
Who lived on distilled kerosene,
But she started absorbin’
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzine.

There was an old man of the Isles
Who suffered severely from piles.
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown,
So he had to row standing for miles.


----------



## Contused

A lissome psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train.
Said she, “Please don’t panic;
I’m just nymphomanic…
It wouldn’t be fun were I sane.”

There was a great lord in Japan
Whose name on a Tuesday began.
It carried through Sunday
’Til twilight on Monday,
And sounded like stones in a can.


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

Contused said:


> A spelling reformer indicted
> For fudge, was before the court cited.
> The Judge said, “Enough!
> Your candle we’ll snough.
> His sepulchre shall not be wighted.”


I like this one


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> I like this one


Welcome back. It's good to see you again.


----------



## Contused

There was a young bard from Japan
Whose limericks never would scan.
When asked why this was,
He said, “It’s because
I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”

There once was a damsel named Jinx,
Who when asked what she thought of the Sphinx,
Replied with a smile,
“That old fraud by the Nile?
I personally think that she stinks.”


----------



## Contused

An eager inventor named Jones
Was reduced to loud sobbing and moans.
He’d devised X-ray glasses
To study clothed lasses,
But all he could see was their bones.


----------



## Contused

The conquering Lion of Judah
Made a prayer to the statue of Buddha.
“Oh, Idol,” he prayed,
“May Il Duce be spayed,
And all his descendants be neuter.”

An unfit young lady called Jude,
Was constantly in a bad mood.
But for reasons of health,
Which is better than wealth,
She now cycles and watches her food.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant.
People said, “She’s a dear,
So unique, so sincere.”
But they shunned her by common consent.

Xanadu’s too expensive for Khan,
He’s at work on converting a barn.
But there’s talk of a dome,
And of rivers that roam,
Then drop down to an underground tarn.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Kitchener,
Who slipped on the quayside at Itchenor.
In spite of the pain,
She laughed like a drain
While the surgeon inserted a stitch in her.

Said the fair-haired Rebecca of Klondike,
“Of you I’m exceedingly fond, Ike.
To prove I adore you
I’ll dye, darling, for you,
And be a brunette, not a blonde, Ike.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Laconia,
Whose mother-in-law had pneumonia.
He hoped for the worst…
And after March first
They buried her ’neath a begonia.

There was a young girl, a sweet lamb,
Who smiled as she entered a tram.
After she had embarked,
The conductor remarked,
“Your fare.” And she said, “Yes, I am.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Lancashire
Who once went to work as a bank cashier.
But she scarcely knew
One plus one equalled two.
So they had to revert to a man cashier.

An ancient knight called Lancelot
Was known by all to glance a lot
At Queen Guinevere,
Even call her, “My dear,”
And take her out to dance a lot.


----------



## Contused

Said a very outspoken lass
Who liked to abuse and harrass,
“My dear, your two ears
Have been growing for years,
And you’re getting to look like an ass.”

“You’ll go blind if you keep chasing lasses,”
Mother said, in a voice that harrasses.
I’ll carry on wooing
And mind what I’m doing.
I’ll just catch a few, and wear glasses.


----------



## Contused

There once was a student of law
Who said, “Legal wording’s a bore.”
Amid raucous laughter,
“Let us ban ‘Hereinafter’
And ‘Whereas’ and ‘Heretobefore’.”

A rascal far gone in lechery
Lured maids to their doom by his treachery.
He invited them in
For the purpose of sin,
Though he said ’twas to look at his etchery.


----------



## Contused

A chap with a weakness for locks
Was making a tour of Fort Knox,
When he spotted a fault
In the door of a vault
And abstracted a dozen gold blocks.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so uncommonly thin
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.


----------



## Contused

There once was a clever young maid,
Who only ate grape marmalade.
At one hundred and three
She said with a WHEEEEE!
"How nicely preserved I have stayed!"

There was a young lady of Maine,
Who declared she'd a man on the brain.
He swore he was true,
But between me and you,
He fooled her again and again.


----------



## Contused

Mark Twain was a mop-headed male,
Whose narratives sparkled like ale;
And this Prince of the Grin,
Who once fathered Huck Finn,
Can still hold the world by the tale!

Said a famous French chef, Jean Maloff,
"Though my omelettes are tiny and tough,
Let the customers beg,
For more than one egg;
For a Frenchman, one egg is _un oeuf_."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Malta,
When young was oft seen with a psalter,
But she's read Marie Stopes
And now she just hopes,
And prays to be took to the altar.

There was a young maid of Manila,
Whose favourite ice cream was vanilla.
But sad to relate,
Though you piled up her plate,
'Twas impossible ever to fill her.


----------



## Contused

A lady called Marie-Christine
One day on the ski-slopes was seen.
Lift fees were so high
That she said with a sigh,
"By the evening I hadn't a bean."

There once was a sculptor of mark,
Who was chosen to brighten Hyde Park.
Some thought his design
Most uncommonly fine,
But most like it best in the dark.


----------



## Contused

There once was a schoolboy named Mark,
Afraid of the trees in the dark.
His friends said, "Poor mite,
Do you think they will bite?"
He said, "No, I'm afraid of their bark!"

Suzanne, in pursuit of a mate,
Was never at loss for a date.
But, approaching the altar
She always did falter
And she sent Dear John letters Bulk Rate.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow called Matt
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.

A wily old writer called Maugham
Was seldom, if ever, off faugham.
His works were incisive,
And often derisive,
But really his heart was quite waugham.


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl named Maureen,
Who was so remarkably lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn't be seen.

A recalcitrant milk-maid named May
Was expelled from the dairy one day,
For her milk product sales,
With her thumb on the scales,
Which they said was no way to weigh whey.


----------



## Contused

There was an old teacher, Miss May,
Whose brain had begun to give way.
Pupils' names she forgot,
But that bothered her not,
For she simply addressed them as "Hey!"

Did you hear about Arty McCarty?
He sent out the cards for a party.
But so snooty and few
Were the people he knew,
That no one was there but poor Arty.


----------



## Contused

Said the Reverend Jabez McCotton,
"The waltz of the Devil's begotten!"
Said Jones to Miss Bly,
"Never mind the old guy,
To the pure, almost everything's rotten!"

A typical Scot called McMorran
Kept haggis and 'neeps in his sporran,
Shortbread up his kilt,
Tartan socks showed the hilt
Of a _skean dhu_; nothing was foreign.


----------



## Contused

The cross-eyed old painter McNeff
Was colour-blind, palsied, and deaf.
When he asked to be touted,
The critics all shouted:
'This is art, with a capital F!'

There once were some learned MD's
Who captured some germs of disease
And infected a train,
Which, without causing pain,
Allowed hundreds to catch it with ease.


----------



## Contused

Since you asked, here's a portrait of me.
On the wall hangs my B.S.degree.
My hair's dark and thick,
But turning grey quick,
Yet at least all my toes I can see.

I may mountain-bike many a mile,
Or sit and read books for a while.
But the best dividends
Come from time spent with friends;
I'm not rich, but I manage to smile.


----------



## Contused

"Well, well!" said the tortoise. "Dear me,
How defective your auto must be!
Though I speed every day
Not a fine do I pay;
The police cannot catch me, you see!"

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk and obscene.


----------



## Ditto

That last is lol.


----------



## Docb

You could substitute DF for Limerick in the first line!


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl of Navarre
Who was frightfully fond of a tar.
When she followed him over
From Calais to Dover,
Her friends cried, “That’s going too far!”

There once was a novice called Nell
Who, when going to Communion, fell.
She got up with a bound
Without looking around,
And said in a loud voice, “Oh Hell!”


----------



## Contused

A fellow who lived in New Guinea,
Was known as a silly young ninny.
He utterly lacked
Good judgement and tact,
For he told a plump girl she was skinny.

It’s the start of a brand New Year
And I should be having a beer.
How rotten my luck,
For this year I’m stuck
With an overdraft that’s still not clear.


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl of New York
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out for a walk.


----------



## Contused

My darling is up typing nightly,
When I wish I were holding her tightly.
But it must be OK,
’Cos all I can say,
Is a keyboard in bed is unsightly.

There was a young man by the Nile
Who decided he’d swim for a while.
But why did he pause?
He saw the great jaws
Of a perfectly huge crocodile.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl called O’Brien,
Who tried to teach hymns to a lion.
Of the lady, there’s some
In the lion’s tum-tum;
The rest twangs a harp up in Zion.


----------



## Contused

A speedy young jeweller named Oak,
Fixed clocks that were damaged or broke.
He opened the face,
And in a short space,
He changed hands without missing a stroke.


----------



## Contused

A girl who weighed many an ounce,
Used language I dare not pronounce,
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see, so he said, if she’d bounce.


----------



## Contused

Said a lively young nurse out in Padua
To her master, “Please, sir, you’re a dad you are.
I’ve come for some pins
For to wrap up the twins,
And to hear you remark, sir, how glad you are.”

As he filled up his order book pages,
He decided, “I want higher wages.”
So he struck for more pay
But, alas, now they say
He’s sweeping out elephants’ cages.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Pecking
Who indulged in a great deal of necking.
This seemed a great waste
Since she claimed to be chaste;
This statement, however, needs checking.

There was an old Justice named Percival,
Who said, “I suppose you’ll get worse if I’ll
Send you to jail,
So I’ll put you on bail.”
Now wasn’t Judge Percival merciful?


----------



## Contused

They’ve buried a salesman named Phipps.
He married on one of his trips
A widow named Block,
Then died of the shock,
When he found there were five little chips.

Despite her impressive physique
Fatima was really quite meek.
If a mouse showed its head
She would jump into bed
With a terrible blood-curdling sheikh.


----------



## Contused

Two fishwives from neighbouring premises
Perpetually courted their nemesis.
They could never agree
In their quarrels, you see,
For they argued from different premises.

A nautical man from Prescelli
Devotedly wooed a Miss Ellie,
Till one summertime,
“Bill! It’s maritime!”
He immediately departed for sea!


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Psyche
Who was heard to ejaculate, “Pcryche!”
For when riding her pbych
She ran over a ptych
And fell on some rails that were pspyche.


----------



## Contused

An important young man from Quebec
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.
So he bought for a dollar
A very high collar
To save himself washing his neck.


----------



## Contused

A small boy once wrote, “My Dear Queen,
Don’t you holiday near Aberdeen?
Could I come to stay?
It’s not far away.
A ‘no’ would be terribly mean.”


----------



## Contused

A King sadly said to his Queen,
“In parts you have grown far from lean.”
“I don’t give a damn,
You’ve always liked ham,”
She replied, and he gasped, “How obscene!”


----------



## Contused

Dear God, if I had but a quid,
For each of the wrong things I did,
Between then and now,
I would certainly know
How to spend all those thousands. Eh kid?


----------



## Contused

In Two Oh Two One I resolve
To write poesies that do not involve
Any words that allude
To things vulgar or crude.
Oh, 5H1T, that’s a rhyme I can’t solve.


----------



## Contused

A glutton who came from the Rhine
Was asked at what hour he’d dine.
He replied, “At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
At eight and a quarter to nine.”


----------



## Contused

A King who never could rhyme,
Declared limerick writing a crime,
But late in the night,
All the scribes would write,
Poems without rhyme or meter.


----------



## Contused

A certain young laddie named Robbie
Rode his steed back and forth in the lobby.
When they told him, “Indoors
Is no place for a horse.”
He replied, “Well you see it’s my hobby.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Rood,
Who was such an absolute prude
That she pulled down the blind
When changing her mind
Lest a curious eye should intrude.


----------



## Contused

The immaculate Sir Walter Raleigh
Had a terrible row with his valet,
Who, on seeing his cloak,
Cried, "You lousy old soak.
You've been rolling about in the alley."


----------



## Contused

A well-known mesmerist ranted,
That a spell could not be recanted.
"Could it be," was the question,
"Post-hypnotic suggestion,
Is a thought that's forever trance-planted?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a fellow named Ray,
Who said in utter dismay,
"I really don't follow…
How can anyone swallow
The same pill three times a day?"


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Reading,
Who never knew where she was heading.
She'd start in the east,
On her way to a feast,
And end in the north at a wedding.


----------



## Contused

There was an old miser of Reading,
Had a house, with a yard, with a shed in.
'Twas meant for a cow,
But so small that I vow
The poor creature could scarce get its head in.


----------



## Contused

Said Oedipus Rex, growing red,
"Those head-shrinkers! Would they were dead!
They make such a bother
Because I love mother.
Well, should I love father instead!"


----------



## Contused

Henley's a special regatta,
Where the 'gels' have their annual natter,
And puce-faced old chaps
Wear striped blazers and caps,
And the rowing just doesn't matter.


----------



## 66Nick

The doc prescribed me Metformin 
He said to take two in the morning 
I followed his advice, the results were not nice
All day long farts have been forming!
Nick Allen
lock down boredom 2021


----------



## Contused

Said an old maid one fondly remembers,
"Now my days are quite clearly Novembers.
All my fires have burned low,
I'll admit that it's so,
But you still might have fun in the embers."


----------



## Contused

George Stephenson said, "These repairs
Are costing a fortune in spares.
I'll be out of pocket
When I've finished this Rocket
Unless British Rail raise the fares."


----------



## Contused

There once was a boring young Rev.,
Who preached till it seemed he would nev.
His hearers, _en masse_,
Got a pain in the ass
And prayed for relief of their neth.

The sermon our Pastor, Rt. Rev.
Began, may have had a rt. clev.,
But his talk, though consistent,
Kept the end so far distant,
That we left, as we felt he mt. nev.


----------



## Contused

The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail,
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.


----------



## Contused

A modern young lady called Rita,
Buys ribbon and cloth by the meter.
She gets bacon and ham
Weighed out by the gram
And orders her milk by the litre.


----------



## Contused

Said a busy young Texan in Rome,
Who had bought up the Vatican dome,
"It's not just the art,
Though I'd say that's right smart,
It's the challenge of getting it home."


----------



## Contused

"Bathroom fixtures are costly" said Ron,
"And my budget is now nearly gone."
So he sat down and wrote,
Sears and Roebucks a note,
Complaining about his dear john.


----------



## Contused

There was an old puzzler, Ben Ross,
Who died… doing crosswords, of course.
He was buried, poor Ben,
With eraser and pen
In a box, six feet down, three across.


----------



## Contused

Said a pupil of Einstein, "It's rotten
To find I'd completely forgotten
That by living so fast
All my future's my past,
And I'm buried before I'm begotten."


----------



## Contused

I breathe as though wrapped in a rolled rug.
My nose is stopped up like an old jug.
I must stop my ravin',
It's dreamland I'm cravin',
But how can I sleep with this cold bug?


----------



## Contused

In Pinter's new play that's now running,
Our Harold's lost none of his cunning.
Throughout the three acts,
We hear just four facts,
But the pauses between are quite stunning.


----------



## Contused

I walked out with the bath water running,
Spied the beauty next door. She is sunning.
Now I only can guess
If my bathroom's a mess,
Would you leave a show half so stunning?


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Whose locks were consid'rably dyed.
The hue of her hair
Made everyone stare.
"She's piebald, she'll die bald!" they cried.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented,
And made cider inside her inside.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Who was carried too far by the tide.
Cried a man-eating shark,
"How's this for a lark?
I knew that the Good Lord would provide."


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady in Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household's disgust,
She emerged through the crust
And exclaimed, with a yawn, "Where am I?"


----------



## Contused

A psychiatrist fellow from Rye
Went to visit another close by,
Who said, with a grin,
As he welcomed him in,
"Hello, Smith! You're all right! How am I?"


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Rye
With a shape like a capital 'I'.
When they told her she had,
She learned how to pad…
Which shows you that figures can lie.


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Rye,
With a terrible look in her eye.
No person would dare
To respond to her stare,
Or taste her hot blueberry pie!


----------



## Contused

Said a very proud farmer at Ryegate,
When the Squire rode up to his high gate,
"With your horse and your hound,
You had better go round,
For, I say, you shan't jump over my gate."


----------



## Contused

There once was a seamstress who said,
“Forget the plain needle and thread.
Give me needles of gold,
Dyed silks pale and bold,
And I’ll stitch till I’m blind or I’m dead.”

There was an old lady who said,
When she found a thief under her bed,
“Get up from the floor;
You’re too near the door,
And you may catch a cold in your head.”


----------



## Contused

A young English woman named St. John
Met a red-skinned American injun,
Who made her his bride,
And gave her beside
A dress with a gaudy bead fringe on.

There was a young man of St. Kitts,
Who was very much troubled with fits.
The eclipse of the moon
Threw him into a swoon…
When he tumbled and broke into bits.


----------



## Contused

In the turbulent turgid St. Lawrence,
Fell a luscious young damsel named Florence,
Where poor famished fish
Made this beautiful dish
An object of utter abhorrence.

There was a young girl from St. Paul,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball;
But her dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.

A young boy at Sault Ste. Marie,
Said, “Spelling is all Greek to me,
Till they learn to spell ‘Soo’
Without any ‘u’,
Or an ‘a’ or an ‘l’ or a ‘t’!”


----------



## Contused

A lady removing her scanties
Heard them crackle electrical shanties.
Said her husband, “My dear,
I very much fear
You suffer from amps in your panties.”

A bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold
That they quarrelled, I’m told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.


----------



## Contused

A Korean whose home was in Seoul
Had notions uncommonly droll:
He’d get himself stewed
And pose in the nude
On top of a telephone pole.

There once was a young kid named Sid
Who lived in old Moorish Madrid.
To know what he did,
This kid from Madrid,
Will cost you no more than a quid.


----------



## Contused

A girl from Chicago’s south side,
Ate a mess of green apples and died.
While her friends all lamented,
The apples fermented
And made cider inside her inside.

There was a young fellow named Sistall
Who shot three old maids with a pistol.
When ’twas known what he’d done,
He was given a gun
By the unmarried curates of Bristol.


----------



## Contused

There was a young writer named Smith
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
We knew that he did it…
He couldn’t have hid it…
The question was only who with.

I know a cross-stitcher who smokes,
She stitches and twitches and chokes.
She also likes gin,
Unrepentable sin,
Poodles and noodles and blokes.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from South Bay,
Making fireworks one summer day.
He dropped his cigar
In the gunpowder jar...
There WAS a young man from South Bay.


----------



## Contused

There once was a young man named Steve
Whose manners were hard to believe.
He’d never say, “Please,”
Or beg pardon to sneeze,
And he’d shine up his shoes on your sleeve.


----------



## Contused

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl named Suzy,
Who never could buy any shoesy.
The reason, you see,
Was simple. For she
Had three feet instead of just twosy.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Tarentum,
Who gnashed his false teeth till he bent ’em.
When they asked him the cost
Of what he had lost,
He replied, “I can’t say. I just rent ’em.”


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Tashkent
Who slept with twelve goats in a tent.
When asked, “Do they smell?”
He said, “Oh, yes, quite well,
But so far they don’t mind my scent.”


----------



## Contused

I sat next to the Duchess at tea.
It was just as I feared it would be.
Her rumblings internal
Were something infernal
And everyone thought it was me!


----------



## Contused

Her boyfriend gave our niece Teresa,
Many rings, studs, and such-like to please her.
But one day of course,
All the magnetic force
Meant we found her stuck fast to the freezer.


----------



## Contused

A pitiful case is old Tex,
With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
And biceps the size
Of a weightlifter’s thighs,
For he’s thinking of changing his sex!


----------



## Contused

A lady who lived by the Thames
Had a gorgeous collection of gems.
She had them reset
In a large coronet
And a number of small diadems.


----------



## Contused

A husband who lived in Tiberias
Once laughed himself nearly delirious;
But he laughed at his wife,
Who took a sharp knife
With results that were quite deleterious.


----------



## Contused

There was a young looker… Tut tut!
You think that you’re in for some smut?
Some rude crescendo?
Lewd innuendo?
You’re wrong. This is anything but.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candour.
When, hurling abuse,
I shouted, “You goose!”
She quickly retorted, “You gander!”


----------



## Contused

A philosopher from the Ukraine
Told his acolytes, “Never again!
I seek the sublime
Not in women and wine,
But through exercise of my brain.”


----------



## Contused

The limerick's birth is unclear.
Its Genesis owed much to Lear.
It started as clean,
But soon went obscene,
And this split haunts its later career.


----------



## Contused

A young lady who lived by the Usk,
Subsisted each day on a rusk.
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb some time after dusk.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl of Uttoxeter,
Who worked nine to five as a choc-setter.
She rolled the chocs thin
With a wee rolling-pin,
So they'd fit in the After Eight box better.

A teacher of tots at Uttoxeter
Who chucked their constructional blocks at her,
Was thinking, 'Aggression
Is just self-expression',
When a volley of paperback Spocks hit her.


----------



## Docb

On form with those two, @confused.


----------



## Contused

Docb said:


> On form with those two, @confused.


Yes, they're gooduns.

I can't be entirely sure, but I think they could have been written by Kate McPower and D. Kartun respectively, and are amongst a few that I feel I can repeat on this forum in mixed company.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Valerie,
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
“If you lose half your bust,
Then you’re worth only half of your salary.”


----------



## Contused

A Kentucky-bound author named Vaughan,
Whose style often savoured of scorn,
Soon inscribed in his journals,
“Here the corn’s full of kernels,
And the Colonels are all full of corn.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Venice,
Who used hard-boiled eggs to play tennis.
When they said, “It seems wrong.”
She remarked, “Go along!
You don’t know how prolific my hen is!”


----------



## Contused

A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.


----------



## Contused

Once on a ski-bus going to Vail,
A lass I thought so petite and frail,
Flashed me a dazzling smile,
And with very smooth guile,
Took the last seat; left me on the rail.


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Vancouver,
Who captured a man by manoeuvre.
She jumped on his knee
With some rare _eau de vie_,
And nothing on earth could remove her.


----------



## Contused

The Arnolfinis both sat for Van Eyck.
Said the wife, "Though it's ugly, it's like.
Even if the truth mattered,
I'd rather be flattered.
Why didn't we wait for Van Dyck?"


----------



## Contused

Said Mars when entangled with Venus,
"I think there is something between us,
And the sound in my ears
Of Olympian jeers,
Suggests that the blighters have seen us!"


----------



## Contused

A minister up in Vermont
Keeps a goldfish alive in the font.
When he dips the babes in,
It tickles their skin,
Which is all that the innocents want.


----------



## Contused

An amorous writer of verses
Was specially enamoured of nurses,
But he found each advance
In pursuit of romance
Met only with starchy reverses.


----------



## Contused

More Spoonericks:
Young George, with his axe, feeling merry,
Chopped down a fruit tree. It was cherry.
When his father asked why,
He said, "Dad, I can't lie;
I wanted to hatchet the berry."

Jack the Ripper's grandmother they view
As having been unbalanced too,
For in restrooms she'd lurk
To stab folks with a dirk…
An old woman who shivved in a loo.


----------



## Contused

An accountant, accounting with vigour,
Came across an unusual figure.
He pursed up his lips
With his hands on his hips
And his eyes just got bigger and bigger.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Vivian,
Who had a dear friend, a Bolivian,
Who dropped his cigar
In a gunpowder jar…
His spirit is now in oblivion.


----------



## Contused

Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
Is leading me straight to perdition.
But I haven't the strength
To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition."


----------



## Contused

Said a foolish householder of Wales,
“An odour of coal gas prevails.”
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man at the War Office
Whose brain was no good as a store office.
Every warning severe
Just went in at one ear
And out at the opposite orifice.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Weir
Who hadn’t an atom of fear;
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire,
’Most any last line will do here.


----------



## Contused

Staying sober for Lent's hard to take,
But St Patrick's Day gives us a break.
Though the date's such a hassle,
Old Paddy, the rascal,
Has pulled a few strings for our sake.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Wemyss
Who, it semyss, was afflicted with dremyss.
She would wake in the night
And in terrible fright,
Shake the bemyss of the house with her scremyss.


----------



## Contused

Rebecca, a silly young wench,
Went out on the Thames to catch tench.
When the boat was upset,
She exclaimed, I regret,
A five-letter word… and in French!


----------



## Contused

There once was a spinster from Wheeling,
Endowed with such delicate feeling
That she thought any chair
Should not have its legs bare,
So she kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Willy,
Who acted remarkably silly.
At a UNESCO ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed that his costume was Chile.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Wilts,
Who walked to the Highlands on stilts.
When they said, “Oh, how shocking,
To show so much stocking.”
She answered, “Well, what about kilts?”


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Wyatt
Who kept a big girl on the quiet;
But down on the wharf
He kept also a dwarf,
In case he should go on a diet.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Wylde,
Who kept herself quite undefiled,
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.


----------



## Contused

Till explained by that wise Dr. X,
What did grandmama know about sex?
And poor grandfather too,
Did he know what to do?
Or, when at it, forsee its effects?


----------



## Contused

Who’d wish to be wed to Xantippe?
When Socrates took his last sip, he
Died slowly, feet first.
After which his wife cursed
And remarked that her husband was lippy.


----------



## Contused

"Buy that one… the prize of the year!"
Thus whispered a voice in my ear.
But later I frowned,
The beast was not sound.
I had purchased, I found, a bum steer.


----------



## Contused

There once was a baby of yore
Whose parents found it a bore,
And being afraid
It might be mislaid
They stored it away in a drawer.


----------



## Contused

An old Danish jester named Yorick
Drank a gallon of pure panegoric.
"My jokes have been dull,"
He said, "but my skull
Will one of these days be historic."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of York,
Who was shortly expecting the stork,
When the doctor walked in
With a businesslike grin,
A pickaxe, a spade, and a fork.


----------



## Contused

They say that I was, in my youth,
Uncouth and ungainly, forsooth.
I can only reply,
“’Tis a lie, ’tis a lie!
I was couth, I was perfectly couth.”


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ypres
Who was shot through both cheeks by some snipers.
The tunes that she played
Through the holes that they made
Beat the Argyll and Sutherland Pipers.


----------



## Contused

When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow with zest,
Who strolled on the pier at Key West.
He liked being seen
In the Caribbean,
And never cared a bean for the rest.


----------



## Ditto

Some of these are lol.


----------



## Contused

Upon high Olympus, great Zeus,
Muttered angrily, "Oh, What the deuce!
It takes spiced ambrosia
To get the nymphs cosier,
And Hera supplies grapefruit juice."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Zion
Looked around for a shoulder to cry on.
So she married a spouse
From a very old house
And started to cry on the scion.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> Those frogs look blissed out!


"Don't poke us please, ma'am, or you'll vex us.
We must firmly embrace to have sex, us.
For an outcome that's spawny,
We have to stay horny
And coupled as one, in *amplexus*."
- Contused
Ó¿Ò


----------



## Ditto

LOL


----------



## Contused

A keeper who worked at the zoo,
Received a new gnu to see to.
He said, "That's the gnu
That I knew in Bellevue…
I knew that I knew that new gnu."


----------



## Ditto

LOL that last line is a tongue twister, hasn't it got too many words or something?  S'funny. I like gnu's.


----------



## Contused

Ditto said:


> LOL that last line is a tongue twister, hasn't it got too many words or something?  S'funny. I like gnu's.


Well, classically, a limerick should have 2 lines of 9 beats, followed by 2 lines of 6 beats, ending with one more line of 9 beats, such as…

an' a-one, an' a-two, an' a-three,
an' a-one, an' a-two, an' a-three,
an' a-one, an' a-two,
an' a-one, an' a-two,
an' a-one, an' a-two, an' a-three.

But many quite satisfactory limericks exist which are 8, 8, 5, 5, 8.


----------



## Contused

A collector of snakes for a zoo
Tried to smuggle some dead ones in, too.
But the Customs inspector
Said, "I'm no collector,
But your carrion luggage won't do."


----------



## Ditto

So funny.


----------



## Nemesis

Wirralass said:


> There was a young lady named Bright
> Whose speed was faster than light;
> She set out one day
> in a relative way
> and returned home the previous night!
> 
> Author Butler.
> (1874-1944)
> .........................☆☆☆☆............................
> 
> There's a notable family named Stein
> There's a Gert & there's Ep & there's Ein;
> Gert's prose is all bunk
> Ep's sculpture just junk
> and nobody understands Ein!
> 
> Anonymous.
> .........................☆☆☆☆............................
> 
> A taxi-cab whore at Ivor
> would do a round trip for a fiver;
> Quite reasonable too
> for a sightsee - a screw
> and a fifty pence tip to the driver!
> 
> Victor Gray
> 1916
> 
> ........................☆☆☆☆...............................
> 
> The breasts of a barmaid of Crale
> were tattooed with the price of brown ale;
> While on her behind
> for the sake of the blind
> was the same information in Braille!
> 
> Anonymous.
> ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆


Totally made my day...thank you


----------



## Nemesis

Bloden said:


> Really like the second one, Contused. Hahahaha...


Cracking


----------



## Contused

A Brockenhurst blonde girl named Cord-
elia, was standing quite bored,
In Watersplash Lane,
Since several days' rain,
And moodily gazed at the ford.

Along came a bloke in a car
As long as the Rose & Crown bar,
He shouted, "Hey honey,
Don't wanna be funny,
But what depth of water's in thar?"

She thought for a minute, said, "Bless
My soul, dear, I'd say at a guess,
I reckon there be
About two or three
Odd inches, thereabouts, more or less."

He drives on, but he's out of luck,
And right in the centre he's stuck,
His engine's been drowned.
Cordelia's frowned,
"But it's only half way up this duck."


----------



## Contused

When her daughter got married in Bicester,
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
"That fellow you've won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he's kissed me and your sister."


----------



## Contused

A Swan sung, so graceful and calm,
"I'm seeking some limerick balm,
But there's nothing here,
So, sadly, I fear
I'll have to go play with my Palm."


----------



## Contused

Do you fancy Matilda from Swanwick?
She's fond of the odd gin and tonic.
But don't overdose her,
Or when you get closer,
You'll find she is quite catatonic.


----------



## Contused

"Oh damn these arthritic old knees,
Do help me, young Miss, if you please.
I've broken my bins,
Please fetch me two tins
Of those mushy green Batchelor's peas."


----------



## Contused

There once was a young man from Beale,
Who slipped on a stray orange peel.
He fell on his seat,
Passed out from the heat
And made a passing bear a nice meal.


----------



## Contused

To Hillary Clinton said Bill,
"You really should update your Will.
That old-timer Dole
Has just won the poll
And asks for your help on the Hill.


----------



## Wirrallass

Nemesis said:


> Totally made my day...thank you


You're welcome Nemesis ~ it made my day too!
WL


----------



## Contused

A Moose on the loose in Quebec
Was running around causing heck.
It entered a mall…
But 'cos it was tall
It got a bad crick in its neck!


----------



## Contused

Wirralass said:


> There was a young lady named Bright
> Whose speed was faster than light;
> She set out one day
> In a relative way
> And returned home the previous night!


… followed by

To her friends said the Bright one in chatter,
"I have learned something new about matter.
My speed was so great,
Much increased was my weight,
Yet I failed to become any fatter!"
- A. H. Reginald Buller


----------



## Wirrallass

Contused said:


> … followed by
> 
> To her friends said the Bright one in chatter,
> "I have learned something new about matter.
> My speed was so great,
> Much increased was my weight,
> Yet I failed to become any fatter!"
> - A. H. Reginald Buller


You're on the ball there Contused!


----------



## Contused

Wirralass said:


> You're on the ball there Contused!


Ah well, there's a small cluster of verses associated with Bright/Blight, both female and male, including travel faster than light and lack of weight gain, some very rude and others not. The 'Internet Archive Wayback Machine' has a vast archive of internet sites, many of which are not currently extant, and is a very useful resource for me.

It's very good to see you posting again. Welcome back!


----------



## Contused

What is a Limerick?

Lines one, two and five have to rhyme.
It's the Limerick way all the time.
And also, what's more,
The lines three and four
Must rhyme for perfection sublime.

And care must be taken with rhythm.
That's how a fine limerick's given
It's own special form.
'Round here it's the norm,
But mostly we're having fun with 'em!
_(Reproduced from alt.arts.limericks FAQ)_


----------



## Contused

One season, young Angus Macinnes,
Taught two hundred hinnies what sin is.
Not bad, I'll admit.
He must have been fit,
But not worth recording in Guinness.


----------



## Contused

Did you hear of young Squire Trelawney,
Who woke one fine morn, feeling horny?
He chased his maid, quick,
Through bushes so thick,
She was stripped by shrubbery thorny.


----------



## Contused

There was a young student from Kent,
Who claimed not to know what they meant
When men asked her age.
She'd reply in a rage,
"My age is the age of consent."


----------



## Contused

What a night at the Sausage and Porter!
Several nuns had come in for a snorter,
While a priest dressed in black
Was enjoying the _craic_
With the Mother Superior's daughter.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Brent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
Oh she knew, yes she knew, but she went.


----------



## Contused

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.


----------



## Contused

Almost all husbands can testify
To a wedding they cannot deny.
'Cause they know where and when 
They got married, but then, 
What exactly escapes them is 'Why?'.


----------



## Contused

There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite 
Without any nightie,
Which startled the purely fastidious.


----------



## Contused

A psychotic neurotic named Syd
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido 
Was like a torpedo, 
And that's why he done what he did.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Maude,
A terrible society fraud,
In company, I'm told,
She was awfully cold.
But you got her alone, Oh My Gawd!


----------



## Contused

There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
Who said, "They can all go to hell!
What they do to my wife…
Why it ruins my life,
And the worst is, they all do it well."


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid.
In the first lot they sold
Was an ancient commode…
And, By Jove, when they lifted the lid!


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Joppa,
Who came a society cropper.
She went to Ostend
With a gentlemen friend…
The rest of the story's improper.


----------



## Contused

The beautiful wife of a banker
Was asleep on a yacht while at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
When she heard the mate say,
"Boys, hoist up the top sheet and spanker!"


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Smith,
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
She said, "Try as I can,
I can't find a man
Who it's fun to be virtuous with."


----------



## Contused

The Bustard's a lucky old fowl.
He hasn't a reason to growl,
Avoiding, you see,
Illegitamacy,
By the provident use of a vowel.


----------



## Contused

A limerick's a poetic antic
With undertones that are semantic.
It is best if it's rude,
Fairly crude, or just lewd,
And its meter is frequently frantic.


----------



## Contused

A Chester man sure loved his scotch. Oh,
He thought it made him look so macho.
One night when he binged
He came really unhinged,
So now he drinks only gazpacho.


----------



## Contused

Firm and full in his pants - she had checked -
Bulged the object she yearned to inspect.
So her hand slipped inside
To caressingly slide
Out his wallet. What did you expect?


----------



## Contused

When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.


----------



## Contused

There was a chicken farmer from Hay,
Who found his hens wouldn't lay.
The trouble was Brewster,
His champion rooster…
You see, Brewster the rooster was gay!


----------



## Contused

We thought we were going to die
When the minister raised his arms high
The benediction to say,
But it wasn't his day,
He'd forgotten to zip up his fly!


----------



## Contused

Two starry-eyed, reckless young beaux
Were held up and robbed of their cleaux.
While the weather is hot
They won't miss them a lot,
But what will they do when it sneaux?


----------



## Contused

Two elephants, Harry and Faye,
Couldn't kiss with their trunks in the way,
So they boarded a plane,
They're now kissing in Maine,
'Cause their trunks got sent on to L.A.


----------



## Contused

A headline yesterday…

"Crocs sales soar in fashion comeback"

Plastic shoes that have very thick soles
Are attractive and play useful roles,
But in storms, wearing Crocs™,
I get wet (feet and socks),
As the raindrops splash in through the holes.
- SheilaB


----------



## Contused

Two roosters were bragging away
Of their talent for waking the day.
As they stood there aghast,
Dawn sneaked quietly past,
And was announced by a donkey's loud bray.


----------



## Contused

A simple young farmer of Bray
Met a lass in his hay field one day.
Said he, "If you want,
We could share a croissant,"
For he'd heard about rolls in the hay.


----------



## Contused

They say that ex-president Taft
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called 'Fore'
The place where he hit me was 'Aft'."


----------



## Contused

There was an old man
From Peru, whose lim'ricks all
Look'd like haiku.

He said with a laugh
"I cut them in half,
The pay is much better for two."


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Duluth,
Who wept when she thought of her youth
And the glorious chances
She'd missed at school dances,
And once in a telephone booth.


----------



## Contused

There was an old girl in Havana,
Who slipped on the skin of a banana.
Whoops! Away went her feet,
And she fell on her seat,
In a most unladylike manner.

Another old lady named Hannah,
Slipped on that same darned banana.
As she lay on her side,
More stars she espied
Than there are in the Star-Spangled Banner.


----------



## Contused

There was a young mouse named Ben Grayshon.
As a lifeguard he was a sensation.
All the lady mice raved,
And screamed to be saved,
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!


----------



## Wirrallass

Contused said:


> Ah well, there's a small cluster of verses associated with Bright/Blight, both female and male, including travel faster than light and lack of weight gain, some very rude and others not. The 'Internet Archive Wayback Machine' has a vast archive of internet sites, many of which are not currently extant, and is a very useful resource for me.
> 
> It's very good to see you posting again. Welcome back!


Thank you @  Contused


----------



## Ditto

Every one of these had me chortling, especially the top one.


----------



## Contused

There was a young gambler named Brock,
Who ordered a bundle of stock.
The stockbroker fumbled,
The stock market tumbled,
And now Mr. Brock is in hock.


----------



## Contused

There once was a homemaker named Pat,
Who couldn't sew, knit, crochet or tat.
She baked bread for the fair,
Won a blue ribbon there,
And said, "Thank you, I so kneaded that!"


----------



## Contused

There was a bus driver named Peter,
Who could not have looked any neater.
But his moustache looked funny,
As he combed it with honey,
Thus making his kisses much sweeter.


----------



## Contused

There once was a witch from Montrose,
Who hated the wart on her nose.
"I think you will find,
That true love is blind,"
Said her boyfriend, a gnome with three toes.


----------



## Contused

There once was a tailor named Fred,
Who always got knots in his thread.
Said the frustrated tailor,
"I should be a sailor…
For the knots they tie get them ahead."


----------



## Contused

There once was a man from St. Paul,
Who moaned about being so tall.
At night, in his bed,
Was his body and head.
His feet had to sleep in the hall.


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady named Gail,
Who decided to have a yard sale.
She sold all her wares,
Including the chairs,
Now she's one upstanding female.


----------



## Contused

There once was a handsome young actor,
While filming, he fell off a tractor.
Though not in his script,
He went to Egypt,
To visit the Cairo-practor.


----------



## Contused

An heiress from Abergavenny,
Had offers of marriage full many.
She surveyed all the men
Very gravely, and then
Said, "Thanks, but I'm not having any."


----------



## Contused

A serious thought for today,
Is one that may cause you dismay.
Just what are the forces
That bring little horses
If all of the mares say, "Nay!"


----------



## Contused

There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The puma had no sense of huma!


----------



## Contused

There once lived a youth in Duluth,
Who aspired to a life as a sleuth.
But he soon changed his mind,
For it shocked him to find,
That the truth is so often uncouth.


----------



## Contused

The thesaurus editor's goal
Was consummate diet control.
At lunch he said, "Please,
I am somewhat obese,
So I'll just have a synonym roll."


----------



## Contused

On the Doppler Effect…

Her voice is so high it's absurd.
It's so shrill that you can't hear a word.
When she's something to say,
She starts running away,
So the pitch drops enough to be heard.


----------



## Contused

A young break-dancer named Chris
Had the women him queuing to kiss.
What began as a cuddle,
Quickly turned to a muddle
Of Chris, a young miss and much bliss.


----------



## Ditto

Lol, all excellent.


----------



## Contused

Said the grey-haired lady, Miss Wood,
"I'd colour my hair if I could.
But I've heard it said,
When I've shown my head,
That only the young dye good."


----------



## Contused

A new Dramatist of the Absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.


----------



## Contused

Said the Abbot, "I'm not pleased one bit,
Brother Ambrose, that you should submit
Your signed IOU
In lieu of a ewe…
I just won't accept that sheep chit."


----------



## Contused

Said a gentle old man, "I suppose
I ought not to wear my best clothes.
But what can I do?
I have only two,
And these are no better than those."


----------



## Ditto

C'est drole, luv the sheep one especially.


----------



## Contused

Said Mrs. Smith sadly, "_J'accuse_
Mr. Smith of what does not amuse.
He will start things all right
Any time of the night,
But almost at once blows his fuse."


----------



## ArchieLeach

There was a girl from the Azores,
Whose f***y was covered in sores,
And the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers

There was a young girl from Westphalia,
Who painted her b*m like a dahlia,
It was all very well, 
At a penny a smell,
But tuppence a lick was a failure.

There once was a fella called Dave,
Who kept a dead wh*re in a cave,
he said " I admit,
I'm a bit of a s*it,
but think of the money I save"!

There was a poor man named Bob Cratchit,
who took out his manhood to scratch it,
His boss said "Bob,
pray get on with your job,
or I'll see to the thing with my hatchet"!


----------



## Contused

I once took my girl to Southend,
Intending a loving weekend.
But imagine the fuss,
In the room next to us,
Was my wife with a gentleman friend.


----------



## Contused

There once was a breathy baboon
Who consistently blew the bassoon,
"For," he said, "It appears
That in billions of years
I shall certainly hit on a tune."


----------



## Contused

As tourists inspected the apse,
An ominous series of raps
Came from under the altar,
Which caused some to falter,
And others to shriek and collapse.


----------



## Contused

There was an old gossip called Baird,
Who said, "What I could say if I dared!
I will say it, in fact,
Though I die in the act."
So she did, and nobody cared.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man named Paul,
Who went to a big costume ball.
He thought he would risk it
And go as a biscuit,
But a dog ate him up in the hall.


----------



## Contused

A new volume of verse Asimovian,
That's replete with a humour that's Jovian,
Represents stimulation,
That will prove the occasion,
For a laughing response quite Pavlovian.


----------



## Contused

Tchaikovsky wrote music balletic
For men who were lithe and athletic.
One said, "Your 4th's fine
And your 5th quite divine,
But your 6th I find frankly pathetic."


----------



## Contused

A holiday guest on the coast
Ordered breakfast of beans upon toast.
When he left for the station,
His loud eructation
Embarrassed his well-meaning host.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man in Atchison,
Whose trousers had two rough patchison.
And he would often state
That he found them just great
For striking his friction matchison.


----------



## Contused

Said young Rex in his hot-air balloon,
"I shall see all the stars very soon."
Rex was right, for he dropped,
And he saw when he stopped,
Three million bright stars and a moon.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Mobile,
Who claimed he'd invented the wheel.
He would run off and fetch
The original sketch,
But he failed in his case on appeal.


----------



## Contused

The Homeric young fighter Achilles,
Was great with the fair Trojan fillies,
But Paris said, "We'll
Just aim at his heel."
Now Achilles is pushing up lilies.


----------



## Contused

An old Indian Chief Running B'ar,
At making it rain was a star.
Asked, 'How do you do it?'
He said, 'Nothing to it.
To make rain, me just washum car.'


----------



## Contused

A perverse old person of Melrose
Was attracted by sin, I suppose.
He would sit there and think
About women and strong drink,
Which is OK, as far as it goes.


----------



## Contused

A fellow who lived in Cadiz
Was arrested with what wasn't his.
Said his lawyer, the twit,
"You'll be out on a writ,
As soon as I find out what one is."


----------



## Contused

There was a young dandy of Butte,
Who sported a bright purple suit.
When they said, "It's too loud,"
He answered them, "How'd
I look in a suit that is mute?"


----------



## Contused

The late poet Wystan Hugh Auden,
Left us poems never maudl'n but mod'n.
The first things he wrote
Struck a socialist note,
But increasingly, then he let God'n.


----------



## Ditto




----------



## Contused

They asked the young man on bassoon
If his cold would be clearing up soon.
He said, "When you suppose
That I'm blowing my nose,
I am actually playing a tune."


----------



## Contused

Two more featuring Gonville and Caius College, Cambridge…

A porter of Gonville and Caius
Said, "No lady visitors, please!
For I fear they would hear
What's not fit for their ear.
These medics swear worse than bargees."

A cook of the College of Caius
Paid the butcher extortionate faius;
And so much deceit
They suffered in meit
They'd better have dined upon chaius.

Many years ago the College was once defrauded by its butcher for the supply of meat.


----------



## Ditto

How interesting! And immortalised...


----------



## Contused

Her sidesaddle progress was slow.
No tracker would rate her a pro.
Said Godiva, "I rode
While the townspeople, 'Oh'd',
Not to win or to place… but to show!"


----------



## Contused

Eight bits or two nibbles, a byte…
It's like lunch.  Hey that works!  Well, it might.
But bytes by the bunch,
Make words. If that's lunch,
Then machines eat their words, ain't that right?


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Calcutta,
Who coated his tonsils with butter,
Thus converting his snore
From a thunderous roar
To a soft oleagenous mutter.


----------



## Contused

I gave to my old maiden aunt
A CD of Gregorian Chant.
She said, "Stuff those old monks.
I prefer to hear hunks."
So she put on some loud Robert Plant.


----------



## Contused

There is an old fellow from Bath,
Who never walks straight down a path.
You would probably think
He had too much to drink,
But it's only a way that he hath.


----------



## Contused

If you find for your verse there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
For the poet true born,
Howsoever forlorn,
There's always the lavatory wall.


----------



## Contused

Wirralass said:


> @Contused  - where have your postcards disappeared to? x
> WL


Here you go! @Wirralass

I found these tributes to Donald McGill posted back in 2006 to a Limericks newsgroup.

Odes to Donald McGill

An artist called Donald McGill
Gave tourists a holiday thrill.
     Honeymooners and vicars,
     Buxom ladies in knickers,
And couples well over the hill.
- Donald McGill







McGill fell foul of the Act
For cards that he had to retract.
     Of a long stick of rock,
     "Some confectionery, Cock?"
And the favourite Bill Stumps would have backed.
- Donald McGill






The cartoons in question seem mild.
No ladies or girls were defiled.
     No language was rude.
     Nobody was nude,
And nobody messed with a child!






Obscenity mores are tribal
From shaman or Koran or Bible,
     But'll cost you, I guess,
     Whenever you mess
With lawyers and money and libel.
- John Miller






"This jelly's too sloppy" said Shelley.
"It's too thin to go in my belly.
     There's two things I like firm,
     You obsequious worm,
And ONE of them mate, is my jelly!"
- David Miller


----------



## Wirrallass

Contused said:


> Here you go! @Wirralass
> 
> I found these tributes to Donald McGill posted back in 2006 to a Limericks newsgroup.
> 
> Odes to Donald McGill
> 
> An artist called Donald McGill
> Gave tourists a holiday thrill.
> Honeymooners and vicars,
> Buxom ladies in knickers,
> And couples well over the hill.
> - Donald McGill
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> McGill fell foul of the Act
> For cards that he had to retract.
> Of a long stick of rock,
> "Some confectionery, Cock?"
> And the favourite Bill Stumps would have backed.
> - Donald McGill
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The cartoons in question seem mild.
> No ladies or girls were defiled.
> No language was rude.
> Nobody was nude,
> And nobody messed with a child!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Obscenity mores are tribal
> From shaman or Koran or Bible,
> But'll cost you, I guess,
> Whenever you mess
> With lawyers and money and libel.
> - John Miller
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "This jelly's too sloppy" said Shelley.
> "It's too thin to go in my belly.
> There's two things I like firm,
> You obsequious worm,
> And ONE of them mate, is my jelly!"
> - David Miller


They're brilliant Contused, thanks for sharing them again!


----------



## Contused

Dutch artists named Vincent and Joe
Bought vans that cost lots of dough.
A street race was held,
As onlookers yelled,
"Just look at that Vincent van go!"


----------



## Contused

There once was a monk of Camyre,
Who was seized with a carnal desire.
The immediate cause
Was the abbess' drawers,
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.


----------



## Contused

Speech by a Banker — "The perpetual overdraft is bad for the community as a whole"

Since my overdraft threatens to be
Detrimental to sound industry,
I surrender all claim
That it stands in my name,
Mr Banker, I trust you'll agree.


----------



## Contused

Young men who woo girls with sweet candy,
Don't know that there's something more handy.
When the lights are down low,
And there's nowhere to go,
Beguile them with glasses of brandy.


----------



## Contused

On Genealogy…

If Abel and Cain were to be
Asked about their genealogy,
"It began," they would say,
"In the garden the day
*That* apple was plucked from the tree."

or

If Abel and Cain were to be
Asked about their genealogy,
"It began," they would say,
"With a bit of foreplay
'Neath the shade of the old apple tree."


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of the Cape,
Who made himself garments of crêpe.
When asked, 'Do they tear?'
He replied, 'Here and there…
But they're perfectly splendid for shape.'


----------



## Contused

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice.
But one is a bore,
I'd prefer three or four,
For the plural of spouse must be spice!


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid from Cape Hatteras,
Who found one night pinned to her matteras,
A short basic list,
Of things she had missed,
With a lengthly P.S. of etceteras.


----------



## Contused

George Washington said to his dad,
"You know that big fruit-tree you had?
I've just chopped it down…
Now, father don't frown,
I can't tell a lie. Aren't you glad?"


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Dan,
Who knew about _sin_, _cos_, and _tan_.
He talked rather big
Of his knowledge of trig.
He did seem a clever young man.


----------



## Contused

A menagerie came to Cape Race,
Where they loved the gorilla's grimace.
It surprised them to learn
That he owned the concern:
He was human, in spite of his face!


----------



## Contused

There's an orchestra playing in Beale
Whose conductor is far from ideal.
To conclude a sonata,
He starts the _fermata_,
Then leaves for a seven-course meal.

_fermata_ = a musical term for a pause


----------



## Contused

There was a strange man from Cape Wrath,
Who bathed in some bright-coloured cloth.
When asked for the reason,
He said, "It's the season.
It's not quite as hot as it wath."


----------



## Contused

Deep 'neath the Isle of Capri,
The Blue Grotto is reached from the sea.
With awe it will fill you,
Overwhelm you and thrill you.
You'll hug yourself, I guarantee.


----------



## Contused

A Victorian gent said, "This dance,
The can-can, which we've got from France,
Fills me with disgust.
It generates lust…
You should see it while you have the chance."


----------



## Contused

An insufferable writer named Wise
Was finally cut down to size,
When his peers had enough
And were sick of his guff,
They gave him the 'Phew'litzer prize.


----------



## Contused

A novice was driving a car,
When down Porlock his son said, "Papa,
If you drive at this rate,
We are bound to be late,
So drive faster!" He did, and they are!


----------



## Contused

There once was a young farmer's daughter,
Who learned a bit late that she oughter
Have studied what teacher,
Her mum, and the preacher,
Believed they had already taught her.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow of Acre,
Who took off his hat to a Quaker.
When the worthy man said,
'You are very well bred',
He replied, "Well, you see I'm a baker."


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Caracas,
Who was ever so fond of his tacos.
But with once sip of brew,
He discovered it's true
That it's nicer to worship god Bacchus.


----------



## Contused

To his wife, said the jealous Lord Dawes,
"Slip this chastity belt in your drawers!"
But her lover, a Celt,
Found the key to her belt,
While Lord Dawes was away at the wars.


----------



## Contused

If you feel that you're right on your beam-ends,
And your gait is more rolling than seamen's,
And if camels in helmets
March over the pelmets,
You've a touch of _delirium tremens_.


----------



## Contused

Let's hear it for Archbishop Carey!
He won't let a Rev. be a fairy.
Those dog-collared queers
Will be out on their ears
Before you can say a 'Hail Mary'.


----------



## Contused

From the elephant paddock one day,
They took poor Barbara Woodhouse away.
There's no harm, in the least,
Shouting 'Sit' to the beast,
But she should have got out of the way.

(Barbara Woodhouse was a celebrated dog obedience trainer on UK television)


----------



## Contused

A delinquent, today, is defined
As a waif to whom life was unkind.
But, now, won't you agree
That the problem might be
That no one ever warmed his behind?


----------



## Contused

My wife works very hard all the day.
Our income is ample, so they say.
But all of our bills
Are high as the hills,
And my hair is quite fast turning grey.


----------



## Contused

Twin sisters named Coral and Carol
Were laid out in finest apparel.
Their life had been moral…
For Carol a chorale
Was sung, and for Coral, a carol.


----------



## Contused

To a newsgroup for rhymers I cruised,
While the rest of my family snoozed.
Now it's here I'll deposit
The rhymes from my closet,
In hopes that you'll all be amused.


----------



## Contused

The cautious collapsible cow
Gives milk by the sweat of her brow.
Then under the trees,
She folds her front knees
And sinks fore and aft with a bow.


----------



## Contused

The mounted cop on the beat
With his horse, tried to be discreet.
But his horse couldn't stop it.
He just had to drop it
Upon that odoriferous street.


----------



## Contused

A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to toot?"


----------



## Contused

Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play,
When the male made a pass
At the other, a lass,
Showing not quite all fairies are gay.


----------



## Contused

Lear's lost limerick…

There was an old man on a Bycicle,
Whose nose was adorned with an Icicle;
But they said, "If you stop,
It will certainly drop,
And abolish both you and your Bycicle.

…has been found!


----------



## Contused

All persons of higher degree
Are proud of a long pedigree,
And even the masses
Of inferior classes,
Unless they are misled, quite agree.


----------



## Contused

Here common sense takes quite a beating
And logic's a victim of cheating.
The pudding, no kiddin',
Is not where proof's hidden…
The testing must lie in the eating.


----------



## Contused

There was a magician named Carr,
Who used to be billed as a star.
His future looked sweet
'Til he walked down the street,
And - Presto! - turned into a bar.


----------



## Contused

It is said that an apple a day
Will help keep the doctor away,
But if that apple were green
With a worm in between,
You might wish for another _entrée_.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ealing,
Who walked up and down on the ceiling.
She shouted, "Oh, heck!
I've broken my neck,
And it is a peculiar feeling."


----------



## Contused

A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
Made brown paper trousers and wore 'em.
He looked nice and neat,
'Til he bent in the street
To pick up a coin, then he tore 'em.


----------



## Contused

A stone knight in a chapel near Ealing,
Who had spent several centuries kneeling,
Said, "Please keep off my ass
When you're rubbing my brass…
It gives me a very strange feeling."


----------



## Contused

"Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed.
"For my birthday… it's my sixty-first.
I thought I'd look cute
In a real birthday suit."
"Well, next time, please iron it first!"


----------



## Contused

On Aixelsyd/Dyslexia…

A dyslexia student named Belle,
Instead of "Hello" would "oHell."
Condemned by her peers
With laughter and jeers,
Poor Belle would, frustrated, "owBell."


----------



## Contused

A pirate, who had a tin ear,
Was arrested on Buccaneer Pier.
His crime, you should know,
Was his singing, "Yo Ho!
Ho, and a bottle of beer!"


----------



## Contused

Garbage In, Garbage Out…

A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.

…or Rubbish In, Rubbish Out


----------



## Contused

The limerick, like drugs, is addictive,
And it often is cruel and vindictive.
Backed by laws that are bold
It must needs be controlled
By a doctor's prescription restrictive.


----------



## Contused

Mrs Whitehouse, mixed bathing at Deal,
Emitted a loud piercing squeal.
It seems she had fingered
A something that lingered…
And it certainly wasn't an eel.

Mrs Mary Whitehouse, a celebrated champion against sex and violence on UK television


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Ealing,
Who walked up and down on the ceiling:
And there, for a while,
To vary her style,
She practised strathspeying and reeling.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

Will you love only me, without fail?
Or are you a two-timing male?
"On my love, don't you see,
You've a _Monopoly_,"
Replied _Joe directly to Gail_.


----------



## Ditto

Mrs Whitehouse! LOL come back, all is forgiven.


----------



## Contused

"My dear, you've been kissing young Fred,"
A much-worried mother once said,
"Since six; it's now ten.
Do it just once again,
And then think of going to bed."


----------



## Contused

A lady from way down in Georgia
Became quite a notable forger,
But she faded from view
With a quaint I.O.U.
That she signed, 'Miss Lucrezia Borgia.'


----------



## Contused

A painter, unencumbered with cash,
Said, 'It's time to be making a splash.
I can paint, if I care,
Things to startle and scare,
Though I'm fully aware they are trash.'


----------



## Contused

In a letter, a widow from Beaulieu
Wrote:
Sir,
I don't worry undeaulieu
    That though it may be thought
    That my sex drive is nought
What it was.
        I remain, Sir,
        Yours treaulieu.


----------



## Contused

There was an old mickey called Cassidy,
Who was famed for impromptu mendacity.
When asked did he lie,
He replied, "To reply
Would be to impugn my veracity."


----------



## Contused

An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
Saw sartorial changes ahead.
His mind kept on ringing
With fishy girls singing.
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Gail,
Who fancied she'd go for a sail.
Well, she boarded the yacht,
But she stayed in her cot,
Except when she hung over the rail.


----------



## Contused

I once had the wife of a Dean,
Seven times while the Dean was out ski-in'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laity,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."


----------



## Contused

An odd fellow from Ecuador,
Had the same shape behind as before.
They did not know where
They should offer a chair,
So he had to sit down on the floor.


----------



## Contused

A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd 'just take a chance'.
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.


----------



## Contused

Old Beethoven sits in his garden,
His arteries starting to harden.
Grim Fate will soon come
With his 'Di-di-di-dum'
And Ludwig will answer him: 'Pardon?'


----------



## Contused

I dream of a small island Eden
Between the equator and Sweden,
Where the climate is not
Too cold or too hot
For delectable lovin' and breedin'.


----------



## Contused

To the rookie said soccer coach Fred,
"If you can't stop the ball we are dead."
But the man was a gent,
For the guy really meant,
"You had better start using your head."


----------



## Contused

Said the nurse to the patient, "Oh dear,
Your symptoms are not very clear."
With his attention diverted,
She quickly inserted
The thermometer into his rear.


----------



## Contused

In considering things gastronomic,
Cakes and ale are not quite economic.
Though maybe we oughter
Stick to bread and water,
It's gin makes a tonic a tonic.


----------



## Contused

A retired civil servant from Yateley,
Who lived in a home known as stately,
Kept lions, just for fun,
In a wire netting run.
He hasn't been seen around lately!


----------



## Ditto

LOL


----------



## Contused

Said Rapunzel, high up in her cassle,
"This is getting to be quite a hassle.
I have given up hope
Of a Prince with a rope,
So I'm growing my hair past my assle.


----------



## Contused

The newborn thought it ain't fair,
To be held upside down in the air.
"Now just what have I done
To get slapped on the bum
And exposed to the chill of the air?"


----------



## Contused

Consider the plight of U. Geller,
A remarkably tricky young feller.
Once, to tease, bent some keys,
Then said, "Damn, I own these
And I've locked myself in the celler."


----------



## Contused

There was a young man who said, "Ayer
Has answered the atheist's prayer,
For a Hell one can't verify
Surely can't terrify…
At least till you know you are there."


----------



## Contused

What led to the crassness of Custer,
With hardly a unit to muster?
At the Little Big Horn,
Sitting Bull gave a yawn,
And said, "You're a sitting duck, buster!"


----------



## Contused

A monkey exclaimed with great glee,
"The things in this zoo that I see!
The curious features
Of all the strange creatures
That come and throw peanuts at me."


----------



## Contused

The Marquis de Sade and Genet
Are most highly thought of today.
But torture and treachery
Are not my sort of lechery,
So I've given my copies away.


----------



## Contused

The poet just couldn't decide.
"It is such a dilemma!" he cried.
"Must my poems all rhyme…
Surely not all the time?
Or else my professor has lied."


----------



## Contused

One cannot express the elation
Of flying off on a vacation,
And finding the locals…
The nice ones, not yokels…
Engaging oneself in flirtation.


----------



## Contused

A person was eating falafel,
And finally said, "This is awful!
My chick pea/bean diet
Has caused me to riot.
I'm craving a good Belgian waffle."


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Genoa,
I blush when I think what I owe her.
She's gone to her rest
And it's all for the best…
Otherwise I would borrow Samoa.


----------



## Contused

From the moment I got out of bed
I just rhymed everything that I said.
I know it is a crime,
To have wasted my time…
And I should have been working instead.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man, name of Fred,
Who spent every Thursday in bed.
He lay with his feet
Outside of the sheet,
And the pillows on top of his head.


----------



## Contused

On a date, said a fellow named Fretter,
"I may dress in a coat and a sweater,
And a scarf with a flare,
But gloves I won't wear,
For without them I feel a lot better."


----------



## Contused

A charming young lady named Geoghegan,
Whose Christian names are less peophegan,
Will be Mrs Knollys
Very soon at All Ksollys…
But the date is at present a veogheg'un.

(Geoghegan is pronounced Gay-Gan, Knollys is pronounced Knowles)


----------



## Contused

I'm sorry I made such a goof.
I guess this is positive proof
That doing on Sunday
What's only due Monday
Will earn nothing more than reproof.


----------



## Contused

With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse,
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce
If he brought his _shillelagh_
Along to their _ceilidh_
Would it get, did they think, any use?


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow named Herman,
Who was a contrary old German.
If you said things were fine,
He would answer, _"Ach, nein!"_
And list all things wrong in a sermon.


----------



## Contused

There once was a bulldog named Caesar,
Saw a cat and decided to tease 'er.
But she scratched and she spit,
'Til the big bulldog quit.
Now Caesar just sees 'er and flees 'er!


----------



## Contused

A man who had lately declared
That property ought to be shared,
Thought it going too far
When they called for his car,
And a list of exceptions prepared.


----------



## Contused

A millionaire, filled with elation
At his newspaper's wide circulation,
Said, "With murder, divorces,
And hints about horses,
I am moulding the mind of the nation."


----------



## Contused

A strip-teaser up in Fall River
Caused a sensitive fellow to quiver.
The aesthetic vibration
Brought soulful elation:
Besides, it was good for the liver.


----------



## Contused

It's easy to live with the gerbil.
His diet's exclusively herbal.
He just munches and crunches
Long vegetable lunches,
And charms every ear with his burble.


----------



## CayugaSusie

A well bred young duck called Susie
Was really a bit of a floosie
She chased a young drake 
all round the lake
Cause she thought he was rather a smoothie


----------



## kevinr

Here is one for you.  A woman takes her hubby to the doctors as things wasn't happening in the bedroom. The doctor had checked the husband over and said to the lady I need a specimen take this jar and come back in a weeks time.
So a week later they are back at the Doctors and the doctor said so how did you get on well said the lady when we got home my hubby tried it with his right hand and nothing happened so he tried it with his left hand and still nothing happened. So I tried it with my right hand and nothing happened I then tried it with my left hand and still nothing happened so we got the neighbour in, you got the neighbour in well she tried it with her right hand and nothing happened so she tried it with her left hand  and still nothing happened but do you know doctor we couldn't get the lid off the specimen jar.


----------



## kevinr

Jack told Jill to take the pill and chase the pill with water Jill forgot and Jack be got a bouncing baby daughter.


----------



## Contused

They say Jack and his best girlfriend Jill,
One nice day went climbing a hill.
If water they were after,
Then why all the laughter,
And how come Jill took her pill?
—  Isaac Asimov


----------



## kevinr

Hi confused I haven't heard that one before that's a new one on me.


----------



## Contused

kevinr said:


> Hi conTused I haven't heard that one before that's a new one on me.


One of a short series written by Isaac Asimov, rewriting well-known nursery rhymes


----------



## kevinr

Thanks contused


----------



## Contused

A fruit-loving epicure, Herman,
Once bit a kumquat with a worm in.
His hunger was deadened
By tail or by head end,
But which one, he couldn't determine.


----------



## Contused

A quirky old gent, name of Freud,
Was, not without reason, anneud
That his concept of Id,
And all that Id did,
Was so starkly and loosely empleud.

Said Freud, "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."


----------



## Contused

In Texas a hunter afield
Was arrested with weapon revealed.
He was told, 'While it's fun
Just to carry a gun,
The law says it must be concealed.'


----------



## Contused

It's time to make love, douse the glim.
The fireflies flicker and dim.
The stars lean together
Like birds of a feather,
And the loin lies down with the limb.


----------



## Contused

The career of a Fellow called Castor,
One day met with sudden disaster,
When he came into Hall
Wearing nothing at all,
And made a rude sign at the Master.


----------



## Contused

There was a fat fraudulent friar
Begged alms to rebuild a church spire.
But they found he had fled,
Having sold all the lead
To a shady itinerant buyer.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman of Glasgow,
Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
At nine-thirty, about,
The lights all went out
Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.


----------



## Contused

There was an old drunk called Hieronymus,
Who joined Alcoholics Anonymous;
But with liver disease,
The shakes and D.T.s,
The prognostication is ominous.


----------



## Contused

A computer called Illiac-IV
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
It chewed up its cards
And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.


----------



## Contused

I went to the doctor who said,
"You look awful; now lie on this bed."
Then he gave me a check-up
From knee-cap to neck up
And said, "You're most probably dead."

"Well, doctor, I hope you agree,
Since I'm dead, this appointment is free."
Then I got up to leave
And just couldn't believe
It… he charged me quadruple his fee.


----------



## Contused

There's a lady in Kalamazoo,
Who first bites her oysters in two.
She has a misgiving
Should any be living,
They'd raise such a hullabaloo.


----------



## Contused

The limerick's form is demanding.
To write one that's really outstanding,
You must stick to the beat,
Be sure rhymes don't repeat
And use four-letter words in the ending.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Ells,
Who was subject to curious spells.
While dressed up quite oddly,
She'd cry out things ungodly
By the palms in expensive hotels.


----------



## Contused

A goddess capricious is Fame,
You may try to make noted your name,
But she either rejects you
Or cooly selects you
For laurels distinct from your aim.


----------



## Contused

Said a calendar model named Gloria,
"So the men can enjoy real euphoria,
You pose as you are
In Jan, Feb and Mar,
Then in April they wanna see moria!"


----------



## Contused

There once was a man (you might know him)
Who worked all his life on a poem!
Though he tried and he tried
'Til the day that he died,
He never could think of a good ending for it.


----------



## Contused

We went to the orchard in autumn
And out of the orchard we got'em.
They were juicy and red
And shaped like a head
With a dimple on top and the bottom.


----------



## Contused

If you look very hard at the stuff in
This book, which is known as a Puffin,
You'll very soon know it's
Been written by poets
For money, of course, not for nuffin.


----------



## Contused

A cheap diner in Kalamazoo
Served mice in their Mulligan stew.
To complaints, they said, "Chap,
Just fasten your trap.
You'll love the rich taste when you chew."


----------



## Contused

Violas, get proud and get mean!
Paint your instruments luminous green.
Dye your hair, spread the word;
Though we may not be heard,
There's no way that we'll fail to be seen.


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow of Tyre,
Who constantly sat on the fire.
When they asked, 'Are you hot?'
He declared, 'No I'm not.
I am James Winterbottom, Esquire.'


----------



## Contused

Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!"
"And mine," Ma said. "Look at that spread!"
Baby Bear, most polite,
Gently put out the light,
"Nighty-night, folks," was all that he said.


----------



## Contused

A cute secretary, none cuter,
Was replace by a clicking computer.
'Twas the wife of the boss
Put this deal across.
You see, the computer was neuter.


----------



## Contused

A young woman, polite and demure,
Would reform the depraved and impure.
She found it a breeze
And did it with ease,
For her work was a mere sinecure.


----------



## Contused

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress, in session,
Decreed its suppression,
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.


----------



## Contused

I'm not really much of a fan
Of poems with no rhyme in their plan.
But there's nothing that's worse
Than to read someone's verse
And finding the lines do not scan.


----------



## Contused

When you sneeze and you cough and you're achin'
And you feel that your body is breakin',
Just try to recall
It's still only Fall;
Old Man Winter has yet to awaken.


----------



## Contused

An old couple living in Gloucester
Had a beautiful girl, then they lost her.
She fell from a yacht
And never the spot
Could be found where the cold waves had tossed her.


----------



## Contused

A young man who lived at Holme Hale
Went to Acle one day to the sale.
He waved to his mate,
And discovered too late
That he'd purchased five acres of kale.


----------



## Contused

There was a fair woman named Kate,
Who would prove such an excellent date,
That each fellow would note,
An unaminous vote,
That she wasn't just fair… she was great!
— Isaac Asimov


----------



## Contused

Denise had a problem with men.
She never knew which one or when
She ought to pursue,
So she put herself through
A crisis again and again.


----------



## Contused

Each time you pronounce 'Oahu'
Make sure that your sweetheart's with you.
Your lips purse to 'O',
Then 'AH' your lips go
And then you prolong 'U' to 'OO'.


----------



## Contused

God's plan made a hopeful beginnin',
But man spoiled his chances by sinnin'.
We trust that the story
Will end in God's glory,
But at present the other side's winnin'.

The surrogate Bishop of Ayr,
Was reduced to a state of despair
By the fact that his dreams
Contradicted the themes
Of his eloquent leadings in prayer.


----------



## Contused

The eminent _basso_, Chaliapin,
Loved the sound of an audience clappin'.
But that tuneful go-getter
Loved one thing even better…
Spending hours in bed simply nappin'.


----------



## Contused

Poor Ophelia sighed, "I deplore
The fact that young Hamlet's a bore.
He just talks to himself…
I'll be left on the shelf,
Or go mad by the end of Act IV."


----------



## Contused

A Dean with precise elocution
Said with no circumlocution,
That children who mutter,
Lisp, stammer or stutter,
Shall be punished through electrocution.

A Dean who was rather a prude,
Thus addressed a sunbather at Bude,
"Excuse me, but Miss,
So much epidermis
Makes me think that the cloth should intrude."


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

At the zoo, all the wallabies frown;
Their habitat's dull grey and brown.
Says their Irish designer,
"Bold hues would be finer.
Me plan?  Dye me kangaroo town!"


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Oporta,
Who daily got shorter and shorter.
The reason, he said,
Was the hod on his head,
Which was filled with the heaviest mortar.
- Lewis Carroll

His sister, called Lucy O'Finner,
Grew constantly thinner and thinner.
The reason was plain,
She slept in the rain,
And was never allowed any dinner.
- Lewis Carroll


----------



## Contused

The immaculate Sir Walter Raleigh
Had a terrible row with his valet,
Who, on seeing his cloak,
Cried, "You lousy old soak!
You've been rolling about in the alley."


----------



## Contused

A mental disorder, Depression,
Quenches fun, excitement and passion.
It makes one feel blue
And downhearted too,
Until you've had more than your ration.

Now what can you do about this
To return to a state more like bliss.
You can do the reverse
Of what makes you worse,
And give all the downers a miss.

If you're eating too little, eat more.
If you're lazy, then run till you're sore.
So turn off the TV,
Get out and you will see
That you're rich when you thought you were poor.


----------



## Contused

'Tis a favourite project of mine,
A new value of *π *to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.

If you should round your *π* to 3,
Then the wheel can no longer be.
Your car and your bike,
And little one's trike
Are sure to become history.


----------



## Contused

There once was a man who said, "God
Must think it exceedingly odd
If he finds that this tree
Continues to be
When there's no one about in the Quad."

"Dear Sir, Your astonishment's odd.
I am always about in the Quad,
And that's why the tree
Will continue to be,
Since observed by Yours faithfully, God."


----------



## Contused

The Kings of Peru were the Incas,
Who were known far and wide as great drinkers.
They worshipped the sun
And had lots of fun,
But the peons all thought them great stinkers.

An Aztec once quite in a trance
Ate a peon and two of his aunts,
A cow and her calf,
A goat and a half,
And now he can’t button his pants.
- Mantissa

While searching on Google, one finds
That the Mayans had Gods of all kinds.
Gods of Wind, Sun and War
Show their piety, or
Else they just had deity minds.
- Joe Blob


----------



## Contused

An eavesdropping don at Emmanuel
Was told, "If you're wise, dear man, you'll
Abandon that habit,
Or you'll grow like a rabbit,
Or end up with ears like a spaniel."

Emmanuel = Emmanuel College, Cambridge


----------



## Contused

There was an old woman of Honiton,
Whose conduct I've written a sonnet on.
With a cold in her head,
She departed to bed
For a week, with her boots and her bonnet on.


----------



## Contused

I wonder how King Arthur felt,
When one day Queen Guinevere knelt,
Saying, "Tell me, my pet,
How did Lancelot get
The key of my chastity belt?"


----------



## Contused

Quoth a cow in the marshes of Glynne,
"All the world is divine, even sin.
As a natural creature,
I worship all nature,
But most when the bull rush is in."


----------



## Contused

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge, was before the court cited.
The judge said, "Enough!
Your candle we'll snough,
His sepulchre shall not be weighted."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Kate,
Who necked in the dark with her date.
When asked how she fared,
She said she was scared,
But otherwise doing first-rate.


----------



## Contused

Said a airy young lady from Metz,
Who kept ordering more _crèpes suzettes_,
"Of course I don't eat them,
But nothing can beat them
For a posh way to light cigarettes."


----------



## Contused

An old-fashioned artist observes,
"These Modernists get on my nerves.
They eliminate grace
From both figure and face,
And substitute angles for curves."


----------



## Contused

There was a great lord in Japan
Whose name on a Tuesday began.
It carried through Sunday
'Til twilight on Monday,
And sounded like stones in a can.


----------



## Contused

Victoria said, "We've no quarrel
With Shakespeare, but this is immoral!
His _Measure for Measure_
Incurs our displeasure…
We don't do such things at Balmoral."


----------



## Contused

There once was a fellow named Ray,
Who said in utter dismay,
"I really don't follow,
How can anyone swallow
The same pill three times a day?"


----------



## Contused

"Competition is keen, you'll agree,"
Said an ancient old flapper from Leigh.
So she dyed her grey tresses,
Chopped a foot off her dresses,
And her reason you plainly can see.


----------



## Contused

A tree surgeon, although a skilled chap,
Couldn't master one great handicap…
For despite being good
Treating sickness in wood,
He'd faint at the mere sight of sap.


----------



## Contused

In Paris some visitors go
To see what no person should know.
And then there are tourists,
The purest of purists,
Who say it is quite _comme il faut_.


----------



## Contused

'Tis strange how the newspapers honour
A creature that's called _prima donna_.
They say not a thing
Of how she can sing,
But write reams of the clothes she has on her.


----------



## Contused

Our vicar is good Parson Inge.
One evening he offered to sing,
So we asked him to stoop,
Put his head in a loop,
And pulled at each end of the string.


----------



## Contused

There once was a stitcher named Kay,
Who lost her last needle one day,
'Til her husband said, "Ouch!"
When he sat on the couch,
And Kay cried, "You found it! Hooray!"


----------



## Contused

A man and his ladylove, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin,
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out.
It is lucky they didn't fall in!


----------



## Contused

I once took a trip down the Rhine
To partake of the fruits of the vine;
Drank too many of these
_Trockenbeerenauslese,_
But the taste was exceeding divine.
- Peter Wilkins


----------



## Contused

There once was a boy of Quebec,
Who was buried in snow to his neck.
When asked, 'Ain't you frizz?'
He replied, "Yes, I is.
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."

An important young man of Quebec
Had to welcome the Duchess of Teck.
So he bought for a dollar,
A very high collar,
To save himself washing his neck.


----------



## Contused

Two sweethearts named Mary and Ray,
When toasting a hundredth birthday,
Shared some snacks delicate
And then, south, did migrate,
Cheering, "Yahoo!" and "Hip-Hip-Hooray!"


----------



## Contused

All Hallows' Eve is so scary,
So small boys and girls, please be wary
Of corpses all bloody,
And mummies all muddy,
And werewolves with paws big and hairy.
- J. Skellington


----------



## Contused

A thrifty young fellow of Shoreham
Made brown paper trousers and woreham.
He looked nice and neat
'Til he bent in the street
To pick up a pin… then he toreham


----------



## Contused

They say that ex-president Taft,
When hit by a golf ball, once laughed
And said, "I'm not sore,
But although he called 'Fore',
The place where he hit me was aft."


----------



## Contused

Goliath was known for ferocity,
An expert in every atrocity,
But was knocked in a heap
By a boy who kept sheep…
A victim of teenage precocity.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Keighley,
Whose principle charms in her teeth lay.
When they fell on her plate,
She called out, "I hate
Mishaps of this kind, they are beathly."


----------



## Contused

Although Jacqui and I have grown old,
We still treasure our games more than gold.
We still play hide 'n seek
Once or twice every week,
And so do our grandkids, I'm told.


----------



## Contused

The fireworks last night were a smash,
But some of the food was such trash
I passed wind in the dark,
Then heard someone remark,
"I sure heard the noise, where's the flash?"


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Reading,
Who never knew where she was heading.
She'd start in the East,
On her way to a feast,
And end in the North at a wedding.


----------



## Contused

In music, a man who fell short,
Was arrested, and taken to court.
He proposed in a theme
A more liberal scheme:
To release Mahler's Fifth as a quart.


----------



## Contused

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his offspring both male and female,
“From your offspring, my dears,
In millions of years,
May evolve a professor at Yale.”


----------



## Contused

A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.


----------



## Contused

I once knew a sad girl named Hortense,
Whose mind was chock-full of ill portents.
She expected the worst
And she thought we were cursed
By original sin and its torments.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Kent,
Who always said just what she meant.
People said, 'She's a dear,
So direct, so sincere',
And they shunned her by common consent.

There once was a young man from Kent
Whose nose was terribly bent.
Some fine days, I suppose,
He would follow his nose,
And no one would know where he went.


----------



## Contused

These resorts abound with the old,
Who do nothing but quibble and scold,
Discussing their tumours
And stock market rumours.
They are tangibly covered with mould.


----------



## Contused

It is clear that Napoleon's Queen
Was referring to army routine,
When she said, in a flummox,
_'Marchons-nous sur nos stomachs?'_
And was told, 'Not tonight, Josephine.'


----------



## Contused

Said Oedipus Rex, growing red,
"Those head-shrinkers! Would they were dead!
They make such a bother
Because I love mother.
Well, should I love father instead?"


----------



## Contused

Said a practical thinker, "One should
Help to kill superstition for good.
I, for instance, refuse
To observe the taboos,
With immunity, so far… touch wood."


----------



## Contused

Tut-Ankh-Amen, best known as old Tankh,
Was a Pharaoh of infinite rank.
But his sarcophagus
Wouldn't cause all this fuss
If his name had been Freddy or Frank.


----------



## Contused

There was an old girl of Uganda,
Renowned for her coolness and candour.
When, during abuse,
Her spouse yelled, "You goose!"
She quickly retorted, "Uganda!"


----------



## Contused

An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
'Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months duration.


----------



## Contused

For experimental results the world waited
On a cloth that was C-14 dated.
Disproving Turin's shroud
Made atheists proud,
But they still must explain how we're created.


----------



## Contused

His devout family said, "We insist.
Remain holy or you'll be dismissed."
Adding theology
To a science degree,
He became an ichthyologist.


----------



## Contused

A maddening pet peeve of mine,
Is completing the very last line
Of an otherwise terse
And symmetrical verse,
So I just write it first… it works fine.


----------



## Contused

A sensitive girl called O'Neill
Went on the fairground Big Wheel.
When half-way around,
She looked down at the ground,
And it cost her a two-dollar meal.


----------



## Contused

There was a small boy who wrote: "Dear Queen,
Aren't you on holiday near Aberdeen?
Could I come to stay?
It's not far away.
Declining would be terribly mean."


----------



## Contused

Henley's a special regatta,
Where the 'gels' have their annual natter,
And puce-faced old chaps
Wear striped blazers and caps,
And the rowing just doesn't matter.


----------



## Contused

When you go to a store in Ascutney,
There is no use to ask them for chutney.
You may plead, you may tease,
You may go on your knees:
It will do you no good, they ain’t got any.
— Richard H. Field

At the village emporium in Woodstock,
Of chutney they keep quite a good stock;
They’re more given to gluttony
Than the folk of Ascutney,
Who neither of liquors or foods talk.
— Frederick Winsor


----------



## Contused

An erotic neurotic named Sid
Got his Ego confused with his Id.
His errant libido
Was like a torpedo,
And that's why he done what he did.


----------



## Contused

A forward young fellow named Tarr
Had a habit of goosing his Ma.
"Go pester your sister,"
She said when he kissed her,
"I've trouble enough with your Pa."


----------



## Contused

A philosopher from the Ukraine
Told his followers, "Never again!
I seek the sublime,
Not in women and wine,
But through exercise of my brain."


----------



## Contused

Once on the last ski-bus from Vail,
A lass I thought petite and frail,
Flashed me a toothsome smile,
And with very smooth guile,
Took the last seat… left me on the rail!


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady of Wales,
Who lived upon whisky and snails.
On growing a shell,
She exclaimed, "What the Hell!
It will save me on bonnets and veils."


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman of Ayr,
Tried to steal out of church during prayer,
But the squeak of her shoes
So enlivened the pews
That she sat down again in despair.


----------



## Contused

A handsome young gasman from Chester,
Surprised a blonde housewife called Hester.
Said he, "This is sweeter
Than reading your meter."
So they then took a lengthly siesta.

A housewife called out with a frown,
When surprised by some callers from town,
'In a minute or less,
I'll slip on a dress',
But she slipped on the stairs and came down.


----------



## Contused

My girlfriend has hair of spun gold.
She's brassy, she's brash and she's bold.
She knows what to do,
And insists on it too,
So with her I do just as I'm told.

My girlfriend has hair almost white,
Translucent when seen in good light,
Without trace of a curl.
She's a delicate girl,
A delicious though fragile delight.


----------



## Contused

There once was a girl who intended
To keep herself morally splendid,
And ascend into Glory,
Which is not a bad story,
Except that is not how it ended.


----------



## Contused

An ardent proponent of minimalism
Thought all other music was criminalism.
And what's even worse,
He believed rhyming verse
Was verging on bourgeois subliminalism.


----------



## pherbie

There was a young woman from Norway
Who hung by her toes in the doorway. 
She said to her man
Lying on the divan,
"I think I've discovered one more way."


----------



## pherbie

Not strictly a limerick, but worth adding......
The sexual urge of the camel is higher than anyone thinks.
One night in a moment of passion it tried to make love to the Sphinx. 
But the Sphinx's vaginal passage was blocked by the sands of the Nile,
Which accounts for the hump on the camel and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.


----------



## Contused

Now God was designing a mammal,
With beauty and grace without trammel,
By computer, of course.
The genetics said 'horse',
But the disk crashed and out came a camel.

If you feel that you're right on your beam ends.
If your gait is more rolling than seamen's,
And if camels in helmets
March over the pelmets,
You've a touch of _delirium tremens_.


----------



## Contused

An uppercrust couple, the Chases,
Made love in some outrageous places;
In doorways and halls,
Zoos, restaurants, and malls,
And even at home, in some cases.


----------



## Contused

On my high resolution display,
My computer turns work into play.
I catch politicians
In awkward positions,
And morph their excuses away.

I concede my computer now knows
More each day, for its memory grows.
But I still can't explain
How a silicon brain
Can know that I know that it knows!

Computers have minds of their own,
For PC'ers, this widely is known.
Windows is such a joke,
Gates' licence we'll revoke,
'Cause Macintosh seeds have been sown!


----------



## Contused

Two researchers who never would quit,
Traced their family tree, they admit,
So far into the past
They discovered at last
Their ancestors climbing in it.


----------



## Contused

Said an old maid one fondly remembers,
"Now my days are quite clearly Septembers.
All my fires have burned low,
I'll admit that it's so,
But you still might have fun in the embers."


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

Dr. Spooner, his son at his side,
Went to witness two houses allied.
When the wedding was done,
Spooner said to his son,
"Now it's kisstomarry to cuss the bride."


----------



## Contused

There was a young person named Tate,
Who went out to dine at 8.08:
But I will not relate
What Tate and his fine date
Ate, while tête-à-tête, at 8.08.


----------



## Contused

The limerick's birth is unclear.
Its genesis owed much to Lear.
It started as clean,
But soon went obscene,
And this split haunts its later career.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Valerie,
Who started to count every calorie.
Said her boss in disgust,
"If you lose half your bust,
Then you're worth only half of your salary."


----------



## Contused

A clever young boy from South Wales
Once trained him an army of snails.
But Cardiff, in time,
Killed off all the slime
By flooding the streets in cheap ales.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady from Cam,
Who smiled as she entered a tram.
When she had embarked,
The conductor remarked,
'Your fare', and she said, "Yes, I am."


----------



## Contused

Tom Smith found some way of detaining
Anne White up in Cashier Training,
Bumped the intercom switch
While seducing her, which
The rest of us found entertaining.


----------



## Contused

The truth about truth is elusive.
Is philosophy merely delusive?
What seems rubbish to you
May be for me true,
Which leaves everything inconclusive.


----------



## Contused

To a lady he found rather fetching,
He said, "Let me show you my etching."
But he was a gent,
The guy really meant,
'Hey, baby, I'm hot for some leching!'


----------



## Contused

English cricket is currently such
It really wouldn't be much,
When a year is up,
And comes the World Cup,
They could even lose to the Dutch.


----------



## Contused

Said the Postmaster General, "Hurray!
I've something important to say.
The letter you send
From here to South Bend,
Costs less than a penny a day."


----------



## Contused

To whomever you happen to be,
No Christmas card this year from me!
I choose not to send 'em.
That's my new addendum!
Scratch my name off your list?  Please feel free!

Away with this holiday spirit!
Merry Christmas? I don't want to hear it!
You buy gifts 'til you're broke,
What you get back's a joke.
I don't so much hate it as fear it!


----------



## Contused

He works hard for his money; he earns it!
Buys a gift for his wife, but she spurns it.
It'll be the wrong size,
Or it won't match her eyes,
And I'll bet you a quid she returns it!


----------



## Contused

I'm glad I'm protected from knocks
From my necktie clear down to my socks,
And padded and bolstered,
Fenced in and upholstered,
With muscles to take up the shocks.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

To shepherds in fields as they lay,
I once heard our good pastor say,
"I've heard angels sing,
Thus I to you bring
Tearful chidings this good Christmas Day."


----------



## Contused

According to experts, the oyster
In its shell, or crustacean cloister,
May quite frequently be
Either he or a she,
Or both, if it should be its choice ter.


----------



## Contused

"Two pasties and chips, please," he quoth,
"With plenty of salt on them both."
But the chip shop had closed
And the floor had been hosed,
So he let out a blasphemous oath.


----------



## Contused

A modest young maiden of Rennes
Would have nothing to do with the mennes,
But one day at Versailles,
She was kissed on the slailles,
Now she goes there agennes and agennes.


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow named Sidney,
Who drank 'til he ruined a kidney.
It shrivelled and shrank
As he sat there and drank,
But he had a good time of it, didn't he?


----------



## Contused

My teachers, through life, always taught
That logic should always be sought.
But then I just laughed
When I spelled the word 'draught'.
I think I shall soon be distraught.


----------



## Contused

There was an old maid of Vancouver,
Who captured a man by manoeuvre.
She jumped on his knee
With some rare _eau de vie_,
And nothing on earth could remove her.


----------



## Contused

Although liquor was Ogden's delight,
Every night he'd get high as a kite!
"Just one night I abstain,"
He said with disdain,
"For New Year's Eve is Amateur Night!"


----------



## Contused

It’s the start of a brand New Year
And I should be having a beer.
How rotten my luck,
For this year I’m stuck
With an overdraft that’s still not clear.


----------



## Contused

There was an old woman from Wales,
Who liked eating red dragon tails.
Then she went to Maxim's
And today she just dreams
Of dining on truffles and snails.


----------



## Contused

Who'd wish to be wed to Xanthippe?
When Socrates took his last sip, he
Died slowly, feet first,
After which his wife cursed
And remarked that her husband was dippy.


----------



## Contused

'Buy that one, the prize of the year!'
Thus whispered a voice in my ear.
But later I frowned,
The beast was not sound.
I'd been given, I found, a bum steer.


----------



## Contused

"I've been told of the bird and the bee,"
Said a sweet little Rose of Tralee.
"But their ways are so strange,
I could never arrange,
To let 'most anyone try it with me."


----------



## Contused

My brother's a natural detective,
For by nature he's somewhat protective.
And he's never been blind
To the criminal mind,
Except when he has an objective.


----------



## Contused

A dealer in tractors named Fetter,
Was spurned by his wife for one better.
The insensitive mutt,
To pour salt in this cut,
Then wrote him a curt "John Deere" letter.


----------



## Contused

There's a village called 'Come to the Good',
Where the people don't do as they should.
Every lad and his dad
Has gone to the bad…
And the women would too, if they could.


----------



## Contused

A modern young curate called Hyde,
Will be pleased if the bishops decide
That, to govern a see,
One must hold a degree
In Evil, both pure and applied.


----------



## Contused

North of Nome there's a farmer I know,
Whose fields are all covered with snow
From September to May.
Then the stuff melts away,
Leaving just time for nothing to grow.


----------



## Contused

Winter is here with his grouch,
The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
You can't take your women
Canoeing or swimming…
But a lot can be done on a couch!


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from a Mission,
Who was seized by an awful suspicion
That original sin
Didn't matter a pin
In an era of nuclear fission.


----------



## Contused

The fabulous Wizard of Oz
Retired from business becoz,
What with up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.


----------



## Contused

Said a pretty young nanny in Padua,
To her master, "Please, sir, you're a dadua.
I've come up for some pins,
For to wrap up the twins,
And to hear you remark, sir, how gladua."


----------



## Contused

George Stephenson said, "These repairs
Are costing a fortune in spares.
I'll be out of pocket
When I've finished this Rocket,
Unless British Rail raise the fares."


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow called Matt,
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.

A Young Lady with birds in her bonnet
Became cross when Cat Foss leaped upon it.
As the birds flew away,
The Young Lady did say,
"Now you've gone and done it, dog-gone it!"

Foss was the name of Lear's cat.

There was an old feline named Foss,
Who wished to share mice with his boss.
He'd bring one and purr
But Lear would demur,
On grounds they had run out of sauce.

Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly,
I'll take cats, though I can't tell you why.
I'd not alter my course
For a dog or a horse,
Yet for one little pussy, I'd die!

There was an old spinster from Fife,
Who had never been kissed in her life.
Then along came a cat
And she said, "I'll kiss that!"
But the cat meowed, "Not on your life!"

A cat in despondency sighed,
And resolved to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels
Of eight automobiles,
And under the ninth one, she died.


----------



## Contused

Our little neighbour next door,
An inquisitive kid to the core,
He always asks, "Why?"
I give it a try,
But I end up with questions galore!

A charming old lady named Gretel,
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbours my mettle."

There was a trombonist called Herb,
Whose playing was loud, though superb.
When neighbours complained,
Young Herbert explained,
"But great art is meant to disturb."

From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught
'Love thy neighbour', a praiseworthy thought.
Let me as your friend
Add a phrase to the end…
'Love thy neighbour, but please don't get caught!'


----------



## Contused

Time on my hands, with nothing to do.
Every day I can find something new.
I can eat when I should,
But it doesn't taste good.
Man, I hate having this winter flu.


----------



## Contused

There was an old Member called Bevan,
Who wanted to make Britain Heaven.
When they said, 'You will fail.'
He replied, 'Ebbw Vale
Gives the strength to its children of seven.'

There was a young lady of Flint,
Who had a most horrible squint.
She could scan the whole sky
With her uppermost eye,
While the other was reading small print.

A shepherd who lived up in Gwent
Kept a dozen old skunks in his tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He answered, "All too well!
They spotted my scent, so they went."

A boastful young fellow of Neath
Once hung from the roof by his teeth.
A very large crowd
First cheered him quite loud,
Then passed round the hat for a wreath.

There was an old lady from Neath,
Who got her thread caught in her teeth.
In a glass by her bed,
Sat teeth, needle, and thread,
With her sampler dangling beneath.

A young lady, who lived by the Usk,
Subsisted each day on a rusk.
She ate the first bite
Before it was light,
And the last crumb some time after dusk.

Said a foolish householder of Wales,
'An odour of coal gas prevails.'
She then struck a light,
And later that night,
Was collected in seventeen pails.

There once was a Welsh mountain sheep,
Who sang Gregorian Chant in his sleep.
When local monks heard,
They thought it absurd
That a ram should intone strains so deep.

A young poultry farmer from Wrexham
Said, "I take day-old chicks, and I sex 'em.
Sadly, now and again
I mistake cock for a hen,
And I must say it doesn't half vex 'em."


----------



## Contused

Arnolfinis both sat for Van Eyck.
Said the wife, "Though it's ugly, it's like.
Even if the truth mattered,
I'd rather be flattered.
Why didn't we wait for Van Dyck?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a baby of yore,
Whose parents found it a bore
And, being afraid,
It might get mislaid,
They stored it away in a drawer.

Dad waited while Mum bought the ham,
But when she came out, she said, "Sam!
That one's not our baby!"
He answered, "Well, maybe,
But look! It's a much nicer pram."


----------



## Contused

Some love it, some hate it, some spurn it.
Some go so far as to burn it.
Adore it or abhor it,
You can't just ignore it…
Yet most will do little to earn it.


----------



## Contused

A young ballerina named Ann
Danced like a soft feathery fan,
But when she leaped and rose
She'd land, not on her toes,
But smack on her pink tutued can!

There was a young dancer called Page,
Whose _entrechat_ was all the rage.
Once, not quite awake,
When doing Swan Lake,
He drilled himself into the stage.

I won't say the girls at St. Francis
Intend to encourage lewd glances,
But can one believe
They are merely naïve,
When they come in the nude to school dances?

When our deficit descended to zero
Our minister was considered a hero.
He ascended the chancel
But decided to cancel
The sermon, and dance a Bolero.


----------



## Contused

There once was a boring young Rev.
Who preached till it seemed he would nev.
His hearers, en masse,
Got a pain in the ass
And prayed for relief of their neth.

The sermon our Pastor, Rt. Rev.
Began, may have had a rt. clev.,
But his talk, though consistent,
Kept the end so far distant,
That we left, as we felt he mt. nev.


----------



## Contused

"Oh teacher, please tell me," said Doris,
"What kind of a beast is the loris?"
Said her teacher, a dreamer,
"It's the Indian lemur.
I fancy it's mentioned in Horace."

A teacher whose name was Haldane,
Thought his class was a terrible pain.
He ranted and he raved,
But they jumped, stamped and waved
And drove him completely insane.

A junior school teacher once said,
"One day I hope to be wed."
Said Tommy, aged ten,
"With gas short again,
'Twill be warmer with two in the bed."

A teacher of tots at Uttoxeter
Who chucked their constructional blocks at her,
Was thinking, 'Aggression
Is just self-expression',
When a volley of paperback Spocks hit her.


----------



## Contused

As a beauty, I'm not a great star,
There are others much fairer, by far.
But my face, I don't mind it,
Because I'm behind it…
It's the folks in the front that I jar.

A near-sighted fellow named Walter
Led a glamorised lass to the altar.
A beauty he thought her,
'Til some soap and water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.


----------



## Contused

A poor spelling golfer named Lear
Was sent to the clink for a year,
For an action obscene
On the very first green,
Where a club sign said 'ENTER COURSE HERE'.

A golfer, who sought to survive
With grit, determination, and drive,
"Inflation," he'd claim,
"Is affecting my game.
I used to shout 'fore', now it's 'five'."

A golfer went right up the wall,
Whenever he'd sideswipe the ball.
Friends said he should go
For advice to a pro…
But he didn't know which protocol.


----------



## Contused

We've got a new maid called Chrysanthemum,
Who said, 'I have just come from Grantham, mum.
I lost my last place
In the sorest disgrace,
'Cos I snored through the National Anthem, mum.'

"It is time," said a woman from Devon,
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.
There is music, it's spring,
Flowers bloom, songbirds sing,
And besides, I've just turned thirty-seven."

There once was a maid with such graces,
That her curves cried out for embraces.
"You look," said McGee,
"Like a million to me…
Invested in all the right places!"

An Indian maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as a fresh honeydioux,
Liked to show off her knees
As she strolled past tepees,
And hear the braves holler, "Yioux Hioux."

Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that might be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Molly to Milly,
"That is, if he asks me, you see."


----------



## Contused

Having rid Hamelin town of its vermin,
And been tricked by a noddy in ermine,
He lured girls and boys
With his pipe's pleasant noise.
Where they went, not a soul can determine.


----------



## Contused

A man to whom illness was chronic,
When told that he needed a tonic,
Said, "Oh, Doctor Kier,
Won't you, please, make it beer?"
"No, no," said the Doc, "that's Teutonic."

Job's comforters now are emphatic
That his illnesses, whether rheumatic,
Sclerotic, arthritic,
Myopic, paralytic…
Were quite simply, psychosomatic.

There was an old cynic who said,
"Though I don't despise colds in the head,
I get no real thrill
'Til I'm dangerously ill,
With friends eating grapes round my bed."


----------



## Contused

Of Jupiter's inner moon, few
Of the folks are at all well-to-do.
They work and they sweat,
But they're always in debt,
'Cause their kids all attend Io-U.


----------



## Contused

A candid professor confesses
That the secret of half his success is
Not his science, as such,
Not its marvels so much
As his bright irresponsible guesses.

There once was a student named Dresser,
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all…
And now he's a college professor.

Just to indicate how time does fly,
Please recall, if you will, days gone by.
Though "Four Freshmen" they were
Did it ever occur
They're professors now, _emeriti_?

There was a young fellow named Guesser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
He finally one day,
When it vanished away,
Became a mathematics professor.

A vain old Professor of Greek
Would boast, "I am surely unique.
The rude _hoi-polloi_
All cause me no joy."
So he formed himself into a clique.

The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off from the podium.

A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.


----------



## Contused

Moses ate food from a trough. It
Was disgusting to see how he'd scoff it.
He grew round as a ball,
But was still loved by all,
For everyone likes a 'fat profit'.

When you think of the hosts without no.
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.
It's quite a mistake
Of such food to partake…
It results in a permanent slo.

Once a grasshopper… food being scant…
Begged an ant some assistance to grant.
But the ant shook his head,
"I can't help you," he said.
"It's an uncle you need, not an ant."

If your body has just gone to seed
From a life of bad habits and greed,
Don't despair, join a gym.
Eat good food. Learn to swim.
Very soon you'll be fitter indeed!


----------



## Contused

She invented the name and it clicked,
Though her husband with treachery tricked.
On the morn of his treason
His wife asked, "What's the reason
You're not eating your eggs, Benedict?"

Isaac Singer, you probably know,
Had a wish that his business should grow.
But inventors before him,
A few grudges bore him
And thought him a real 'sew-and-sew'.

I come from a long line of liars.
Both granddads were Civil War fliers.
Dad wrote War and Peace,
Plus he co-starred in Grease,
And my uncle invented the pliers.

Eli Whitney's prognosis was spot-on.
He invented the gin to tease cotton.
His rivals quite blatant-
ly ignored his patent,
And Eli was robbed something rotten.

Marconi, whose ardour was tireless,
Sat down and invented the wireless,
Which makes it less tough
For the musical buff
Who lives in a town that is choir-less.


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl from Mobile,
Who went up in a great Ferris Wheel.
When halfway around,
She looked down at the ground…
And it cost her a five-dollar meal.


----------



## Contused

In Marseilles, a _soubrette_ named Pagnoli
Sang her airs with a breath that was wholly
Free from odours uncouth,
Which was odd, for in truth,
She'd just eaten a pound of _aioli_.


----------



## Contused

Drinking is never a sin
As long as the fluid flows in.
A beer and a shot
Make the body real hot,
And a turbulent feeling within!


----------



## Contused

Comic verse of the type that's limerical,
Proves to be, often times, anticlerical.
A saintly old minister
Is depicted as sinister,
And is filled with lust quite hysterical.

A clergyman read from his text
How Samson was scissored and vexed.
Then a barber arose
From his sweet summer doze,
Got rattled and shouted, "Who's next?"

A minister up in Vermont
Keeps a goldfish alive in the font.
When he dips the babes in,
It tickles their skin,
Which is just what the innocents want.


----------



## Contused

There was an old soldier at Bicester,
Was walking one day with his sister,
When a bull, with one poke,
Tossed her into an oak,
Before the old gentleman missed her.

You can only catch mad cow disease
Eating beef… but from pork pie and peas,
You can catch mad pig flu,
And from eating lamb stew,
You can catch mad sheep sickness with ease.

An amorous bull, known as Morton,
Was arrested for stampin' and snortin'.
When released from his cell
He was madder'n hell,
For the season had passed for cavortin'.

Ten cows munching grass by the wall.
Two bulls wander out of their stall.
The young bull shouts, "Run!
We can each enjoy one!"
The old bull says, "Walk, and have all."
_(Which takes me back in time to the Dorset College of Agriculture in 1978)_


----------



## Contused

A chef said, "Let's lunch and we'll chat."
The champagne he sent back. It was flat.
Although he let stay
The delicious _paté_,
He remarked, "I would like fries with that."

Said a famous French chef, Jean Maloff,
"Though my omelettes are tiny and tough,
Let the customers beg
For more than one egg,
For a Frenchman, one egg is *un oeuf*."


----------



## Contused

Three Utah men once were emplaned,
When their landing-gear fluid all drained.
They poured coffee and coke,
But the gear remained broke,
So they peed, and safe landing attained.

A scientist, living at Staines,
Is searching with infinite pains
For a new type of sound,
Which, he hopes, when it's found,
Will travel much faster than planes.


----------



## Contused

A homely old woman named Caine
Was hired by a farmer in Spain
To stand in his field,
After research revealed
That rain mainly falls on the plain.

A vegetable farmer named Hughes
Planned systems of sorting to use.
The results gave him pause
Till he figured the cause.
Now he's minding his peas in queues.

A farmer who's very well known,
Quite suddenly needed a loan.
Not for tractors or seed,
Or new tools he might need,
But to pay for the wild oats he'd sown.

Said a very proud farmer at Ryegate,
When the squire rode up to his high gate,
"With your horse and your hound
You had better go round,
For, I say, you shan't jump over my gate."


----------



## Contused

To a dwarf, said his doctor, "It's clear
That your ailment is fatal, I fear."
"Well," the dwarf said, "I think
That I'll buy one last drink
For my friends and for me a short bier."

Last night I sure had quite a few.
I lost count long before I was through,
But lately it seems
That it's only in dreams
I can handle as many as two.

Said Socrates, keeping his poise,
"Tell Xantippe, I've done with her noise.
If she asks what you mean,
Just say, when last seen,
I was drinking with some of the boys."

"Let's do some quilting", she said,
As she patted her old mother's head.
Ma replied with a grin,
"I'd rather drink gin."
So she put the old lady to bed.

There was an Old Fellow of Trinity,
A Doctor well versed in Divinity,
But he took to free thinking
And then to deep drinking,
And so had to leave the vicinity.


----------



## Contused

A tenor by name Pavarotti,
Inflated his fees quite a lot. He
Bankrupted his clients,
Who yelled in defiance,
'To charge by the pound is quite potty.'

Three tenors, no matter how slick,
Are spreading it surely too thick.
A cornetto, just one,
Is quite enough fun…
Times three and I think I'll be sick.

_(Refers to Pavarotti, Domingo and Carreras and an ice cream commercial… 'Just one cornetto… '}_


----------



## Contused

A lady who lived by the Thames
Had a gorgeous collection of ghames.
She had them re-set
In a large coronet
And a number of small diadhames.

Rebecca, a silly young wench,
Went out on the Thames to catch tench.
When the boat was upset,
She exclaimed, I regret,
A five-letter word… and in French!


----------



## Contused

There was an old man called Dupree,
Who couldn't count higher than three.
He said, "Damn and God rot!
It is plain I am not,
Because 'Si je pense, donc je suis'."

_*'Si je pense, donc je suis' = Descartes saying: 'I think, therefore I am'*_

God brought perfect man to fruition,
But viewing the scraps with contrition,
He collected the junk,
And created the skunk,
The snake and the first politician.

There was a young fellow called Green,
Whose musical sense wasn't keen.
He said, "It is odd,
But I cannot tell _"God
Save the Weasel"_ from _"Pop goes the Queen."_


----------



## Contused

Since the crowned heads of Europe are few,
It's not strange that they got in a stew
When their coup-conscious courts
Heard disturbing reports
That a Prince might be mounting a Koo!

Mark Twain was a mop-headed male,
Whose narratives sparkled like ale.
And this Prince of the Grin,
Who once fathered Huck Finn,
Can still hold the World by the tale!


----------



## Contused

"It's a very odd thing," remarked Goosens,
"But if ever my upper lip loosens,
My oboe propounds
Such indelicate sounds,
I'm arrested for causing a nuisance."


----------



## Contused

There was an old barber from Hythe,
Who shaved stubbly chins with a scythe.
He said, "It comes cheaper
Than using a reaper,
Though it does make the customers writhe."

A curious old person of Hythe
Amputated his nose with a scythe,
That he might ascertain
If he'd writhe with the pain,
Then yelled, "I undoubtedly writhe!"


----------



## Contused

"I must leave here," said Lady de Vere,
"For these damp airs don't suit me, I fear."
Said her friend, "Goodness me!
If they do not agree
With your system, why eat pears, my dear?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a widow named Jackie,
Whose wardrobe was getting plain tacky.
So she married Ari,
And went to Paree,
And near bought the town out, by cracky.


----------



## Contused

There was an old lady in Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To the household's disgust,
She emerged through the crust
And exclaimed, with a yawn, "Where am I?"

A psychiatrist fellow from Rye
Went to visit another close by,
Who said, with a grin,
As he welcomed him in,
"Hello, Smith! You're all right! How am I?"


----------



## Contused

With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse,
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce
If he brought his shillelagh
Along to their cèilidh
Would it get, did they think, any use?

_The good folk said yes, so Patrick took his shillelagh. The ruins of the Castle of Dunluce in County Antrim can still be seen today; but of the town nothing remains_


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

We used to live very near there and visited often, it's a wonderful place.  I have one of my photos of it on our landing wall.


----------



## Burylancs

There was a young fellow from Hull
Very good friends with a bull
He got foot and mouth
When the lad went south
His mate was killed in a cull


----------



## Contused

An American writer of verse
Wrote limericks vulgar and terse.
Said his victims, who groaned
And unceasingly moaned,
"At least it can't get much worse… "

We English are patient enough,
Though we often find Yanks a bit bluff.
We do not offend
With verses we've penn'd
On musicians and other such stuff.


----------



## Contused

Burylancs said:


> There was a young fellow from Hull
> Very good friends with a bull
> He got foot and mouth
> When the lad went south
> His mate was killed in a cull


A heavenly seaport called Hull
Is lively, and not at all dull.
It has lots of fish,
A very nice dish,
Which I’ll happily eat till I’m full.


----------



## Contused

Xanadu's too expensive for Khan:
He's at work on converting a barn;
But there's talk of a dome,
And of rivers that roam
Then drop down to an underground tarn.

A dome and some caves cut in ice,
Some rocks and a fountain sound nice;
But Alf… he's the chippie…
Says Khan is quite dippy.
It still can't be done at the price.


----------



## Contused

My apology's really sincere,
Pathetic as it might well appear.
I feel truly ashamed,
As I often have claimed
To be writing the best metre here.


----------



## Contused

A cannibal, once in a dream,
Conceived of a dish quite supreme.
And to his delight
He was served it one night…
Fresh Bwanas in heavy sour cream.

_(Bwana, in East African Swahili, is a boss or master, often used as a title or form of address)_

It's a nightmare that horrifies hakes,
To finish as frugal fish-cakes.
But oh, what a dream
To be stewed slow in cream,
Or fresh-fried in respectable steaks!

Though your dreams may seem normal and right,
They bring horrible things to the light.
You can only be sure
That you're perfectly pure
If you dream about nothing all night.


----------



## Contused

Said Tebbit, "I don't understand 'em.
If they really want jobs, they can land 'em.
If a work-seeking tyke
Has no luck on a bike,
He can double his chance on a tandem."

Norman (later Lord) Tebbit, a UK Conservative minister who advised the out of work to 'Get on your bike'


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow so poor,
He lived in a half-finished sewer.
He just never complained
Though at times, when it rained,
He did find life hard to endure.

The saints all believe, without proof,
When they die they go up on the roof.
Their fervour won't wane
As they pray in the rain,
And I'm sure that they're quite waterproof.

There was a Fair Lady in Spain,
Who constantly sang about rain.
'Twas no mental affliction,
She just polished her diction
Forecasting the rain on Spain's Plain.


----------



## Contused

Said the Stoic, tormented by gout,
"There are times when I'm tempted to doubt
Our pose about pain,
And disposed to complain
It is something we're better without."


----------



## Contused

I’m very happy to say
My Klein bottle got here today.
It’s really quite fine,
This bottle by Klein,
In an odd topological way.

Having received a bottle by Klein,
An Acme product, quite fine,
If dimensionally able,
I shall place on a table
And admire for a mighty long time.

Mathematicians try hard to floor us
With a non-orientable torus.
The bottle of Klein,
They say is divine,
But it is so exceedingly porous.

A contortionist let her act slip
'til her agent said, "Look, get a grip.
If you find the Klein bottle
Too hard, well then, what'll
You charge for a Möbius strip?"


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady from Niger,
Who rode up to town on a tiger.
She came back one day
In a relative way
With a smile on the face of the tiger.

and not forgetting

There was a young lady of Riga,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.


----------



## Contused

Though clerical errors are fun,
The bishops decree there are none,
Or else they infer
That if they occur
They must never be seen to be done.

The Bishop of Bath and of Wells
Was wholly unconscious of smells.
Throughout the whole diocese
No whiff was as high as his.
The odour of sanctity tells.


----------



## Contused

"Competition's a bit of a jerk,"
Said our butcher, while hiding a smirk.
"The lazy young slob
Sat down on the job,
Got a little behind in his work."


----------



## Contused

The smile on the famed Mona Lisa
Has long been a bit of a teaser.
Perhaps Leonardo,
In a fit of bravado,
Made as if he were going to squeeze her.


----------



## Contused

Anthropologists, clear-eyed, sincere,
In the far South Pacific one year,
Discovered graffiti
On ancient Tahiti…
Paul Gauguin and Kilroy were here.


----------



## Contused

Well, it's partly the shape of the thing
That gives the old limerick wing.
These accordion pleats,
Full of airy conceits,
Take it up like a kite on a string.


----------



## Contused

An amorous writer of verses,
Was specially enamoured of nurses.
But he found each advance
In pursuit of romance
Met only with starchy reverses.


----------



## Contused

An infamous classified advertisement in a newspaper…

Evangelical vicar in want of a portable
second-hand font; would dispose of the same
for a portrait (in frame) of the Bishop-Elect
of Vermont.

…submitted by Monsignor Ronald Knox


----------



## Contused

Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya,
"Paint some pictures to hang in my foya!"
So he painted her twice…
In the nude, to look nice,
And then in her clothes, to annoya.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Jansen,
Whose Ma said, "I don't mind romancin'.
You're young. Have your fling.
But remember one thing…
When you stay out all night, keep on dancin'."


----------



## Contused

It's International Pi Day…

There once was a fellow from Greece,
Who forgot *π's* last decimal piece.
So he used electronics
To collect *π* mnemonics…
Now he's hooked, and there is no release.

There once was a number named *π*,
Who frequently liked to get high.
All he did every day
Was sit home and play
With his imaginary friend named *i*.


----------



## Contused

There once was a very bright lass,
Who was at the top of her class.
She studied real hard, 
So on her report card 
All of her subjects she'd pass.


----------



## Contused

There was a most maudlin old monk,
Who was always incessantly drunk.
Each day he would hide a
Full flagon of cider
Or firkin of ale in his bunk.


----------



## Contused

There once was a shamrock named Pat,
Who tripped on a root and went splat.
She ripped her best leaf
And sobbed in her grief,
And ruined her favourite hat.

There once was a shamrock named Shawn,
Whose leaves first unfurled in the dawn.
He was easily seen
With his bright leaves of green,
Right up 'til the day he was gone.


----------



## Contused

There once was a diarist named Pepys,
Who wrote about London in hepys.
When the fire had died down,
Pepys went about town
And culled tales that give one the crepys.


----------



## Contused

A modern young lady called Rita,
Buys ribbon and cloth by the metre.
She gets bacon and ham
Weighed out by the gram,
And orders her milk by the litre.


----------



## Contused

Sunday 20 March
Today marks this year's Vernal Equinox…

On the eve of the Spring Equinox,
There appeared a most magical box,
Wherein every morn, 
To the sound of a horn,
Came a bagel, some cream cheese, and lox.


----------



## Contused

A traveller to Timbuktu
Said, "Pilot! It's time that we flew!"
He replied, "That will do!
Your watch is askew…
It's a minute or two to 2.02"

or

There was a young lady of Crewe,
Who wanted to catch the 2.02.
Said the porter, "Don't worry,
Or hurry, or scurry,
It's a minute or two to 2.02."


----------



## Contused

A gal who pursued men with such verve,
At the thought of 'I DO' lost her nerve.
So to tell them 'We're through',
She wrote, to name just a few,
Dear… John, Bob, Al, José, Bill, Dan, Irv.


----------



## Contused

There was a young weaver from Wapping,
Who thought his first whisky was topping.
He swallowed it down
With a dubious frown,
And hiccoughed six weeks without stopping.


----------



## Contused

The SETI League aims to devise
A way to find life in the skies.
One day they will find
The truth for mankind
And take home their own Nobel Prize.

SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestial Intelligence


----------



## Contused

Come and see our goods, you can try 'em.
Fit them on for size when you buy 'em.
Strong, smooth, and reversible,
The thinnest dispersible;
Any odd shape you need, we supply 'em.


----------



## Contused

There was an old Justice named Percival,
Who said, "I suppose you'll get worse if I'll
Send you to jail,
So I'll put you on bail."
Now wasn't Judge Percival merciful?


----------



## Contused

"Bathroom fixtures are costly," said Ron,
"And my budget is now nearly gone."
So he sat down and wrote
Sears and Roebucks a note,
Complaining about his dear john.


----------



## Contused

A wandering tribe, called the Siouxs,
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs.
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hiouxs.


----------



## Contused

Silent Marcel Marceau at one time
Was a victim of Paris street crime.
His terror still lingers.
Hoods stamped on his fingers,
Leaving footprints on the hands of mime.


----------



## Contused

More Spoonericks…

Young George at the cherry tree, very
Intent with his axe, chopped a flurry.
When his mother asked why,
George said, "Mama, no lie,
I just wanted to hatchet the berry."

or

Young George, with his axe, feeling merry,
Chopped down a fruit tree. It was cherry.
When his father asked why,
He said, "Dad, I can't lie.
I wanted to hatchet the berry."


----------



## Contused

There was an old waiter from Wapping,
Drew corks for a week without stopping.
Cried he, "It's too bad!
The practice I've had!
Yet cannot prevent them from popping."


----------



## Contused

That glamorous blonde, young Miss Bell,
Forgot to reserve a hotel.
But a kind man from Fife
Tucked her in with his wife,
And gave her some crumpet as well.


----------



## Contused

There was an old drunkard of Devon,
Who died and ascended to Heaven.
But he cried, "This is Hades!
There are no naughty ladies,
And the pubs are all shut by eleven."


----------



## Contused

"Pontius may perhaps prove in the end
To have been the wrong person to send,"
Said Tiberius. "Though,
I hope that you know
It's a mere Pilate project, my friend."


----------



## Contused

A guy with a girl in a Fiat
Asked, "Where on earth is my key at?"
When he started to seek,
She let out a shriek,
"That's not where it's likely to be at!"


----------



## Contused

Precede us, O Lord, with Thy Grace,
As we travel through time and through space.
In all that we do,
May we magnify You,
Our reward as we run the straight race.


----------



## Contused

There once was a fellow called Lear,
Whose verses were terribly drear.
All output, except that
With an owl and a cat,
Which is still quite a pleasure to hear.

There once was an artist named Lear,
Who wrote verses to make children cheer.
Though they never made sense,
Their success was immense,
And the Queen thought that Lear was a dear.

Although at the Limericks of Lear,
We may feel a temptation to sneer,
We should never forget
That we owe him a debt
For his work as the first pioneer.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man of Montrose,
Who had pockets in none of his clothes.
When asked by his lass
Where he carried his brass,
He said, "Darling, I pay through the nose."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Exceedingly fond of small gherkins.
She went out to tea
And ate forty-three,
Which pickled her internal workings.


----------



## Contused

An incredibly lecherous rorcester
Was arrested for ardour in Worcester.
He has not been let lorces
Since an indignant morces
Swore that, given a borcest, he had gorcest'er.


----------



## Contused

When visiting underground sites,
Here's how you can tell stalagmites.
Just picture by chance
Some ants in your pants…
When mites go up, down come the tites.


----------



## Contused

An insane old king made, for a time,
The writing of limericks a crime.
So all through the night,
The lawful would write
Verse without any rhyme or meter.

However, dissidents would write…

An insane old king made, for a time,
The writing of limericks a crime.
So all through the night,
The lawful would write
Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.


----------



## Contused

"We are not amused," said Victoria
In a mood far removed from euphoria.
But a visit from Dizzy
Put her in a tizzy
And her views grew Tory-er and Tory-er.


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

Contused said:


> An insane old king made, for a time,
> The writing of limericks a crime.
> So all through the night,
> The lawful would write
> Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.


Surely in the circumstances it would be the lawless who would write verse with excellent meter and rhyme?!


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> Surely in the circumstances it would be the lawless who would write verse with excellent meter and rhyme?!


It's good to see you back.


----------



## Contused

Great-grandfather at Waterloo
Fought solidly all the day through.
He slashed and he hacked
Through bodies tight-packed,
And managed to reach Platform Two.


----------



## Contused

Mourned a limerick written by Aiken,
"Sometimes when at night I awaken,
And think but for Lear,
I wouldn't be here.
Oh, how by that thought I am shaken."


----------



## Contused

Dear John…

"I'm sorry but… " blah, blah " …the end."
"I hope… " blah, blah, blah " …comprehend."
Blah, blah, blah " …too far."
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
"Remember, I'll still be your friend."


----------



## Contused

Said the Boy King, "I fear I've a funny
Feeling down here in my tummy."
"Tut, Tut!" said old Ra,
"I can see that you are
Not a Son, nor a Dad, but a Mummy."


----------



## Contused

Up in Heaven, George H. and J.C.
Meet at least once a week for high tea.
In December the din
Of "Messiahs" wears thin,
So they then watch game shows on TV.

George H. — George Frideric Handel?


----------



## Contused

You labour from midnight to morn,
Consuming a gallon of corn.
The last line comes neatly…
You pass out completely,
And thus is a limerick born.


----------



## Contused

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old.
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me,
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret,
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet.
I'll do it my way,
Till it's all payed away.
Not one nickel or dime will you get!”


----------



## Contused

Here's a puzzle designed to perplex!
Why must English be always complex…
Like spelling Grand Prix
With simply an 'e'
Instead of an 'i' and an 'x'?


----------



## Contused

There was an old puzzler, Ben Ross,
Who died… doing crosswords, of course.
He was buried, poor Ben,
With eraser and pen
In a box, six feet down, three across.


----------



## Contused

An authoress, armed with a skewer,
Once hunted a hostile reviewer.
"I'll teach him," she cried,
"When I've punctured his hide,
To call my last novel too pure."


----------



## Contused

Commemorating William Shakespeare's death on 23 April 1616…







Said Shakespeare, "I fear you're mistaken,
If you think that my plays are by Bacon.
I am writing a book
Proving Bacon's a crook
And his style's an obscure and opaque 'un."


----------



## Contused

I'm probably wasting my time
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.
It's better to give them
Immaculate rhythm,
For then they can reach the sublime.


----------



## Contused

There was a composer named Liszt,
Whose music no one could resist.
When he swept the keyboard
Nobody could be bored;
And now that he's gone, he is missed.

A well-known composer called Massenet,
Decided to court a young lass in a
Specialised form,
Which became the norm,
For he wrote her a beautiful 'Mass in A'.

A composer from Spain called Victoria,
Never once failed to score with his _Gloria_.
All parts intertwined
And so deftly aligned,
That each movement was cause for euphoria.


----------



## Contused

Wanting children, a couple once sat
For a course on how to begat.
When the doctor expounded,
They stood up dumbfounded,
And said they could never do *that*.

To avoid matrimonial disasters,
Young couples buy Johnson and Masters.
But trying new angles,
They get in such tangles,
They end up in splints and in plasters.

A couple named Raylene and Waylon
Were particularly partial to Draylon.
They went to Levine's
To squander their means,
For they had a half-price Draylon sale on.


----------



## Contused

Beelzebub, hornèd and fiery,
Among other things was a liar. He
Would wish someone well,
Then he'd make his life hell,
And write it all down in his diary.


----------



## Contused

There once was a stitcher with chills,
Who thought needlework cured her ills.
Her shakes made it crooked,
And viewers mistook it
For work by one stewed to the gills.

There was a poor husband named Joe,
Whose wife liked to just sit and sew.
One day he got tough,
And said, "That's enough!"
Of course, the poor chap had to go.


----------



## Contused

A singer they called Miss Diana
Was caught in a flood in Montana.
She just floated away,
While her beau, so they say,
Accompanied her on the piana.

That young Presley fellow could sing.
Making rock 'n roll hits was his thing.
But girls all knew Elvis's
Gyrating pelvis is
What really made him the king!

A daring young lady of Guam
Observed, "The Pacific's so calm,
I'll swim out for a lark."
She met a big shark…
Let us now sing the ninetieth Psalm.

A backward type speaker named Joe
Would start with a 'Behold and Lo',
Then add 'Fro and To'
And then 'Cry and Hue'
And then sing, 'See you can say oh'.


----------



## Contused

Of wit, Joe Green thinks he's endowed.
'Half right!' he is viewed by the crowd.
On Joe Green's epitaph:
'He made all of us laugh.'
But at him, not with him, and out loud!


----------



## Contused

A perfectionist poet named Morris,
One night went berserk right before us.
He just flew off his perch
In his desperate search
For the ONE perfect rhyme for THESAURUS.


----------



## Contused

On May Day the girls of Penzance,
Being bored by a lack of romance,
Joined the Workers' Parade
With this banner displayed:
'What the Pants of Penzance Need Is Ants.'


----------



## Contused

There was an old person of Persia,
Who called two nasturtiums _'nasturtia'_.
How precious! What pedantry!
A Pedant and sedentary,
He died of progressive inertia.


----------



## Contused

A hopeful old fellow called Rousseau
Saw that man was not born bad, but grew so.
If you change his surrounding
You'll find grace abounding…
You must turn the clock back to do so.


----------



## Contused

A lady, an expert on skis,
Went out with a man who said, "Please
At the next precipice
Will you give me a kiss?"
She said, "Quick, before somebody sees."


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

Jack the Ripper's grandmother they view
As having been unbalanced, too.
For in restrooms she'd lurk
To stab folks with a dirk…
An old woman who shivved in a loo.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Weems,
Who, it seems, was afflicted with dreams.
She would wake in the night,
And in terrible fright,
Shake the beams of the house with her screams.

however…

The Honourable Winifred Wemyss
Saw styli and snakes in her dremyss,
And these she enjeud
Until she heard Freud
Say, "Nothing is quite what it semyss."


----------



## Contused

Said philosopher-physicist Jeans,
"How many or few are five beans?
Friend Einstein says four,
Five, six, or more,
But I'm blowed if I know what he means."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Jo,
Who was padded from head to her toe.
She was hit by a truck,
Which was very bad luck.
She's still bouncing, as far as we know.

There was a young lady named Lee,
Who swam all alone in the sea.
People said, "You'll be drowned."
But she sniffed and she frowned,
And said, "Pish, tosh and fiddle-de-dee!"

There was a young lady called Muffet,
Who sat spooning whey on a tuffet,
When a hairy arachnid
In terms coarse and hackneyed,
Succinctly enjoined her to stuff it.

The inept young person, Miss Muffet,
Had further bad luck with her tuffet.
Some used-tuffet dealers
Decided to steal hers,
So now she must hire one… or rough it.

There was a young lady of Ryde,
Whose locks were consid'rably dyed.
The hue of her hair
Made everyone stare…
"She's piebald, she'll die bald!" they cried.

There was a young lady of Ryde
Who was carried too far by the tide.
Cried a man-eating shark,
"How's this for a lark?
I knew that the Lord would provide."


----------



## Contused

There was a young girl in the choir,
Whose voice rose higher and higher,
Till it reached such a height,
It was clear out of sight,
And they found it next day in the spire.

To a flirty young girl from Marseilles,
Said her uncle, the vintner, "Some day
Some one of your fellows
May start to grow jealous,
And ask you just which Beaujolais!"

There was a young girl from Peru,
Who regretted her lovers were few.
So she walked from her door,
With a fig leaf, no more.
And now she's in bed… with the flu.

There was a young girl from St. Cyr,
Whose reflex reactions were queer.
Her escort said, "Mabel,
Get up off the table…
That money's to pay for the beer."

There was a young girl of Shanghai
Who was so exceedingly shy,
That undressing at night,
She turned off the light
For fear of the All-Seeing Eye.


----------



## Contused

For many miles my Volks did roam,
All covered with bright, shiny chrome.
The day that she died,
I wept and I cried,
Now she's parked at the old Volk's home.


----------



## Contused

There was a sick man of Tobago,
Who'd lived long on rice-gruel and sago.
But at last, to his bliss,
His physician said this,
"To a roast leg of mutton you may go."


----------



## Contused

An accountant, accounting with vigour,
Came across an unusual figure.
He pursed up his lips
With his hands on his hips
And his eyes just got bigger and bigger.


----------



## Contused

Some of Lear's better limericks to celebrate his birthday…

There was an Old Man of the Coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold,
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
- Edward Lear

There was a Young Lady whose eyes
Were unique as to colour and size.
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Lady whose folly
Induced her to sit in a holly,
Whereupon, by a thorn
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold.
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs, and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself up from the cold.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Man who supposed
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
- Edward Lear

There was an Old Man who said, "Well!
Will nobody answer that bell?
I have pulled day and night,
'Til my hair has turned white,
But nobody answers this bell!"
- Edward Lear


----------



## Contused

There was a rash fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire…
'Most any last line will do here.


----------



## Contused

Is it Friday the thirteenth today?
How silly! What nonsense, I say!
Last time I went broke,
My Dad had a stroke,
And my wife and my dog ran away.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

The alarm on the stand starts to chime,
And Marceau from his covers does climb.
Two bread slices down
Until they are brown…
His breakfast fare, toast of the mime.


----------



## Contused

Said a wicked old madame named Belle,
Whom the preacher was threatening with Hell,
"I have no regrets,
No doubts, and no debts.
If I haven't done good, I've done well."

Kate the Great, much irate, said, "It's clear,
Court procurer, you've got a bum ear.
I said, 'Bring me a NORSE,'
You dumb twit, not a horse.
…Oh, what the hell, so long as it's here… "

There was an old chap who said, "Well,
I think my gout's giving me hell,
But until one can find
Which is Matter, which Mind,
How the hell is a fellow to tell?"


----------



## Contused

"Come now," said Bell, "this is choice.
The first telephone! Let's rejoice!
Now listen, folks all
To the very first call…"
'Sorry, number engaged,' said a voice.


----------



## Contused

A young nun who made notes in her diary,
That were terribly torrid and fiery,
Once left it behind
For her abbess to find.
Now she isn't allowed in the priory.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Fife,
Who had a big row with his wife.
He lost half his nose,
Two-thirds of his toes,
One ear, seven teeth, and his life.


----------



## Contused

An epicure living at Gratz,
Was exceedingly partial to bats.
He relished them toasted,
Or boiled, baked, or roasted,
Or thoroughly stewed in old hats.


----------



## Contused

Well, lately I've been quite a jerk.
I've fallen behind in my work,
So don't be too picky,
This is only a quickie,
'Til I find my way out of the murk.


----------



## Contused

A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew,
When the preacher yelled, "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
Just as soon as the service is through!"

There was an old lady of Leicester,
Whose numerous ailments obsessed her.
She found no allure
In an M & B cure,
And sedatives simply depressed her.

There was a old lady of Leicester,
And no man had ever caressed her.
And all day she'd wriggle
And giggle and jiggle,
As though seven devils possessed her.

A kindly old lady once said,
To a thief she found under her bed,
"So near to the door,
And so close to the floor,
I'm afraid you'll catch cold in your head."


----------



## Contused

A dentist named Archibald Moss
Fell in love with the dainty Miss Ross,
But he held in abhorrence
Her Christian name, Florence,
So he renamed her his Dental Floss.


----------



## Contused

Said the vet as he looked at my pet,
"That's the skinniest bear that I've met.
I'll soon alter that."
Now the bear's nice and fat…
The question is… where is the vet?


----------



## Contused

In Pinter's new play that's now running,
Our Harold's lost none of his cunning.
Throughout the three acts
We hear just four facts,
But the pauses between are quite stunning.


----------



## Contused

For his Campbell's Soup screen-prints, society's
Wild about Warhol. In quiet, he's
Wishing that Heinz
Has inspired his designs…
He'd have 57 varieties.


----------



## Contused

When I saw my Doctor today,
I feared what the blood tests might say.
But Doc said, "I assure you,
I most surely can cure you…
If your Health Insurance will pay."

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.'s and Litt. D.'s,
Collapsed from the strain.
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You are killing yourself by degrees!"

There once was a doctor who said,
"Far too many sick folk die in bed.
There's no deadlier place
And to rescue the race,
I suggest using armchairs instead."

She said, as she buttoned her dress,
"Playing doctor was fun, but I guess
I prefer playing house
With you as my spouse,    
And it's your turn to clean up this mess."

My doctor said, "You'd better drop
In at our new body shop
And select a used heart
For our state of the art
Transplant, in case your ticker should stop."


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Vivian,
Who had a dear friend, a Bolivian,
Who dropped his cigar
In a gunpowder jar…
His spirit is now in oblivion.


----------



## Contused

A trombonist from old Albuquerque
Found his slide had gone terribly jerky.
An inspection revealed
Two oranges, peeled,
Half a loaf and a ten kilo turkey.


----------



## Contused

There was a young man from Angora,
Who married for richer or poorer.
He'd not been long wed,
When he fell out of bed,
And said, "Damn, I have married a snorer!"

There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a masquerade ball
Arrayed like a tree,
But he failed to foresee
His abuse by the dogs in the hall.

There was a young man from Burleigh,
Who went bald incredibly early.
It made him so mad,
Which really was sad,
'Cause his hair was so dark and so curly.

There was a young man named Colquhoun,
Who kept as a pet a babuhoun.
His mother said, "Cholmondeley,
I don't think it's quite colmondeley
To feed your babuhoun with a spuhoun."

There was a young man of Dumbarton,
Who thought he could run like a Spartan.
On the thirty-ninth lap
His braces went snap,
And his face went a red Scottish tartan.

There once was a young man from Lyme,
Scored a goal for the very first time.
The young man was glad,
But his teammates were sad…
He hadn't changed sides at half-time!

There was a young man from the Tyne,
Put his head on the South-Eastern line;
But he died of ennui,
For the 5:53
Didn't come till a quarter past nine.


----------



## Contused

A wife with a stutter from Dice,
Was caught by the rise in the price.
By the time that she panted
Out just what she wanted,
The cost of the stuff went up twice.


----------



## Contused

There was an old fellow of Fife,
Who was garden-mad all of his life.
He dreamed in his slumbers,
Of giant cucumbers,
Which greatly embarrassed his wife.


----------



## Contused

We were painting the church steeple gray,
When the wind blew our brushes away.
We said to the pastor,
"What a disaster!"
He calmly replied, "Let us spray."


----------



## Contused

A cox to his tutor at Jesus,
Said, "Sir, from all reading release us.
If to books I keep going,
I lose time from rowing,
And that, Sir, would greatly displease us."

(Jesus College, Cambridge)


----------



## Contused

There once was a pretty young Mrs.
Whose tearful but short story thrs.
Her mind lost it grasp.
Now she thinks she's an asp… 
And just sits in the corner and hrs.


----------



## Contused

A gal who weighed many an ounce
Used words nice girls don't pronounce.
Her brother, one day,
Pulled her chair away…
He wanted to see if she'd bounce.


----------



## Contused

A decrepit old gas man named Peter,
While hunting around for the meter,
Touched a leak with his light.
He arose out of sight,
And, as anyone can see by reading this, he also destroyed the meter.


----------



## Contused

I met a svelte lady today.
She works in a sideshow, for pay.
They bill her as Wanda,
Who's half anaconda.
Her hugs leave you breathless, they say.


----------



## Contused

Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
Is leading me straight to perdition.
But I haven't the strength
To go to the length
Of making an act of contrition."


----------



## Contused

Oh, my name is John Wellington Wells,
I'm a dealer in magic and spells,
Of blessings and curses,
And ever-filled purses,
In prophesies, witches and knells.

If you want a proud foe to 'make tracks',
If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax,
You've but to look in
On our resident Djinn,
Number Seventy, Simmery Axe.
- W.S. Gilbert

Simmery Axe is otherwise St. Mary Axe, a street in London


----------



## Contused

"The figure is not anatomical,"
Said the Sitter. "The attitude's comical."
Said the Painter, "Quite true,
But looked at askew,
Both are seen to be sweetly symbolical."

A painter, who came from Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knittin'.
He remarked with a sigh,
"That park bench… well, I
Just painted it, right where you're sittin'."

There is a dull Painter named Wells,
Who is duller than any one else:
With  the face of a horse
He sits by you and snorts…
Which is very offensive in Wells.
- Dante Gabriel Rossetti

Wells = Henry Tanworth Wells, a friend of Rossetti's, and a city in Somerset


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

A decadent fellow named Fife,
Whose conjugal habits were rife
With such unnatural acts
That friends said, "God, Jack, relax,
And give up these strange lays of wife."


----------



## Contused

There once was a damsel named Jinx,
Who when asked what she thought of the Sphinx,
Replied with a smile,
"That old fraud by the Nile?
I personally think that she stinx."


----------



## Contused

Said an eminent, erudite ermine,
"There's one thing I cannot determine:
When a dame wears my coat,
She's a person of note…
When I wear it, I'm called only vermin."

There was an old person of Fratton,
Who would go to church with his hat on.
"When I wake up," he said,
"With my hat on my head,
I shall know that it hasn't been sat on."

To a person arriving in Heaven,
Said St. Peter, "We dine, sharp, at seven.
Then breakfast's at eight,
Never mind if you're late,
And there's biscuits and milk at eleven."

There was a young person of Leigh,
Who was either a he or a she.
I think it's terrific
To be non-specific
Gender-wise, don't you agree?


----------



## Contused

An intrepid explorer named Phipps,
On the last of her wilderness trips,
Knew well her location
But died of starvation,
For she had no EPIRB, just a GPS.

An EPIRB is an Electronic Position-Indicating Radio Beacon (can save you in an emergency). A GPS is Global Positioning System receiver (just tells you where you are).


----------



## Contused

A nurse motivated by spite,
Tied her infantile charge to a kite.
She launched it with ease
On the afternoon breeze,
And watched 'til it flew out of sight.


----------



## Contused

I'd rather have fingers than toes;
I'd rather have ears than a nose:
And as for my hair,
I'm glad that it's there.
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.

I'd rather have habits than clothes,
For that's where my intellect shows.
And as for my hair,
Do you think I should care
To comb it at night with my toes.


----------



## Contused

My Grandmother fought for the vote,
Then my Mother bought gin off the boat.
Today, my dear Wife,
Says I've ruined her life,
And my Daughter's applying to Choate.

Choate Rosemary Hall is a private, co-educational, college-preparatory boarding school in Wallingford, Connecticut


----------



## Contused

The reason we're asked to endure
A gutter press, smutty, impure,
Is that old River Fleet,
Whose name's on the street,
Is an ordurous, underground sewer.


----------



## Contused

There once was a slicker named Dick,
Who, no matter how dirty the trick,
Invoked the authority
Of the silent majority,
Till he found he could not make it stick.

(Dick = former President Richard Nixon)

The President sent them out West,
As explorers they seemed far the best.
But they hadn't a notion
How far was the ocean.
They were just as befogged as the rest.


----------



## Contused

There was a young woman named Cholmondley,
Who mused to herself rather glolmondley:
'Were it not for my squint
And my rubicund tint,
I might be considered quite colmondley.'

There was a young woman named Frances,
Who decided to better her chances,
By cleverly adding
Appropriate padding,
To enlarge all her protuberances.

On a Renoir…
There was a young woman who said,
"My cheeks are so round and so red,
And the light on my dress
Is like pure happiness,
In the shade of the apple-tree spread."

There was a young woman from Wilts,
Who went up to Scotland on stilts.
When they said, "Oh, how shocking
To show so much stocking!"
She answered, "Well, how about kilts?"


----------



## Contused

Three scribblers whose names end in Bert,
Gil, Her, and Flau… are now inert.
Gil wrote silly songs,
Her satirized wrongs
And Flau was once set for School Cert.

Three wonderful people called Ley:
There's Hen and there's Bench and there's Hea.
Hen wrote jingoistic verse,
Bench wrote Jaws, which is worse,
And the less said the better of Hea.

Three wonderful people called Wick:
There's War and there's Chad and there's Pick.
War said, 'Kings, come on!'
Chad found the neutron,
And all the world knows Mr. Pick.


----------



## Contused

Since son John was a little naïve,
His poor mother, though knowing he'd grieve,
Said, "I'll not sugar-coat
This missive Jane wrote…
As for you, dear John, just let 'er leave."


----------



## Contused

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd,
Who was frightened and screamed very loud!
Then a happy thought hit her,
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed!

Despite his impressive physique,
Atlas was really quite meek.
If a mouse showed its head
He would jump into bed
With a terrible blood-curdling shriek.


----------



## Contused

When our Dean took a pious young spinster
On his cultural tour of York Minster,
What they did in the clerestory,
Is rather a queer story…
But none of us hold it aginster.

Said the venerable Dean of St. Paul's,
"Concerning those cracks in the walls…
Do you think it would do
If we filled them with glue?"
The Bishop of Lincoln said, "Balls!"

(A civil servant, wishing to signal his disapproval of a section of a document, and not being courageous enough to write 'Balls', noted 'Round objects' in the margin. His superior, reviewing the document later, noticed the remark and added his own… 'Who is Round, and to what does he object?')


----------



## Contused

A dizzy old fellow named Topping,
Once fell down five flights without stopping,
And the janitor swore
As old Top hit the floor,
"It'll take me the whole darn day mopping."


----------



## Contused

"Strip," Leofric said, "and you'll find
I'll take off the tax you've in mind."
So Godiva, she streaked,
And nobody peeked,
Except Peeping Tom, who went blind.


----------



## Contused

Wee Jamie, a canny young Scot,
Observed, when the kettle was hot,
That the steam raised the lid,
And it's thanks to this kid
That you and I know Watt's watt.

Watt's dream was the cream of steam engines.
Instead we get trains with a vengines,
With a lot of hot air,
And 'Travellers' Fare'…
Was this his invengine's intengines?

And don't forget…
James Watt
Just forgot
All about steam
When eating ice-cream.


----------



## Contused

There was an old miser named Clarence,
Who simonized both of his parents.
"The initial expense,"
He remarked, "Is immense,
But I'll save it in wearence and tearence."

There was a young lady of Nantes,
Who lived with a miserly aunt.
When asked to a ball,
Said, "I've no clothes at all.
I must borrow the _plumes_ of my _tante_."

There's a clever old miser who tries
Every method to economise.
He said, with a wink,
"I save gallons of ink
By simply not dotting the I's"


----------



## Contused

I guess that I'm now on the spot,
And it seems that you know what I've got.
You've measured my feet,
And they are _petite_.
But still, 'Little Things Still Mean A Lot.'


----------



## Contused

Three Aldis and not one of them dim,
Were Garib and Frescob and Grim.
One played and one clowned
And the other's renowned
For a biscuit that's named after him.


----------



## Contused

"What have I done?" said Christine.
"I've ruined the party machine.
To lie in the nude
Is not very rude,
But to lie in the House is obscene."

Christine Keeler's liaison with the cabinet minister, John Profumo, led to him telling porkies to the House of Commons


----------



## Contused

From the bathing-machine came a din
As of jollification within.
It was heard far and wide,
And the incoming tide
Had a definite flavour of gin.


----------



## Contused

Old Dutch Masters considered them fine,
Whether posed sitting down or supine.
His nudes seemed content,
Albeit corpulent,
When painted by Rembrandt van Rijn.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

An unruly church chorus bestrews
The choir loft with chairs and eschews
All good sense of tones,
While their leader bemoans
Their not minding their keys and their pews.


----------



## Contused

In limericks the line is quite fine
'Twixt lousy, and good, and sublime.
This one's an example
Of rhymes meant to rankle…
And I do it in jest all the time!

"You write limericks that prove you're depraved,
So far gone that I doubt you'll be saved."
The minister said,
Sadly shaking his head,
"Your road straight to Hell's nicely paved!"


----------



## Contused

There was a fat lady from Eye,
Who felt she was likely to die.
But for fear that once dead
She would not be well-fed,
She gulped down a pig, a cow, a sheep, twelve buns, a seven-layer cake, four cups of coffee, and a green apple pie.

There was a young lady named Greene,
Who grew so abdominally lean,
And so flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways she couldn't be seen.


----------



## Contused

There once was a lady called Lilly,
With a craving to walk Piccadilly.
She said, "Ain't it funny?
It's not to make money,
But men think my refusing it silly!"


----------



## Contused

A man of St Edmund's House
Was sadly deficient in nous.
When received by the Pope,
He expressed the warm hope
That all was quite well with his spouse.

(St Edmund's House, a college of Cambridge University)

Though the virile young priests of the nation
Waited breathless throughout its gestation,
The Bull of Pope Paul
Offered nothing at all,
Save prolonged and restrained celibation.


----------



## Contused

Miss Wendy to Peter Pan said,
"The children should now be in bed.
And don't tell them they
Can just fly away.
Pete, that's how delinquency's spread."

Wear shades when you look at Pierre,
The guy with the hole in his hair.
From the top of his head,
Where the hair has been shed,
He's reflecting a dangerous glare!


----------



## Contused

A limerick received by the daughter of Barbara Tabler whose limerick book, 'Bawdy and Soul: Singing Limericks', is graced with a frontal nude Barbara with guitar (strategically placed) on the front cover and a posterior nude Barbara on the back cover.

Tonight, before hitting the sack,
I took your mum's book off the rack.
I didn't intend
To get to the end,
But read from her front to her back!


----------



## Contused

A limerick invitation to a red head party…

We're havin' a party, it's true,
And extend an invite to you.
The hair on your head
Just has to be red,
And no… Lady Clairol won't do!


----------



## Contused

The Dowager Duchess of Spout
Collapsed at the height of a rout.
She found strength to say
As they bore her away,
"I should never have taken the trout."


----------



## Contused

Rupert Murdoch, with glee, shouted, "What
A lot of newspapers I've got!
I've just got to get
The _Beekeepers' Gazette_
And the _War Cry_ and I've got the lot."


----------



## Contused

A seamstress from Dunston-on-Tyne
Used to peddle her trade down the line.
She first got a crown,
But her prices went down…
Now she'll fit you for ten pence or nine.


----------



## Contused

There once was an artist who drew
Large crowds to blank canvases. "Oooh!"
Cried the critics, "The essence
Of post incandescence
Of conceptualised _déja vu!_"

An artist named Theodore Fink
Enjoyed making copies in ink.
But the copy he wrote
Of a five-dollar note
Was so good he is now in the clink.

An artist, who lived in St. Ives,
Collected quaint African knives.
But his children all thought
They were bought for their sport…
Out of eight only one now survives.


----------



## Contused

There was a young gourmand of Johns,
Who'd a notion of dining on swans.
To the Backs he took big nets
To capture the cygnets,
But was told they were kept for the Dons.


----------



## TheClockworkDodo

Contused said:


> (A civil servant, wishing to signal his disapproval of a section of a document, and not being courageous enough to write 'Balls', noted 'Round objects' in the margin. His superior, reviewing the document later, noticed the remark and added his own… 'Who is Round, and to what does he object?')


 Not heard that one before. I wonder if the superior was being dense or facetious?!


----------



## Contused

TheClockworkDodo said:


> Not heard that one before. I wonder if the superior was being dense or facetious?!


Unfortunately, I can't now find the original source, but I'd guess that the superior was being facetious.


----------



## Contused

An unfortunate lady named Piles
Had the ugliest bottom for miles.
But her surgeon took pity
And made it quite pretty…
All dimples, and poutings, and smiles.


----------



## Contused

"This Injun was rendered heap sad'um.
The whites with the guns were quite mad'um.
We're forced to retreat,
And we cannot compete.
We'll build teepees much stronger and pad'em."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Spring,
And saving whales was her thing.
But I'm not so grand,
You must understand,
'Cos I only save stamps and old string.

Most women get married, 'tis true.
They feel it's the best they can do…
But why spend your life
Being somebody's wife,
When you might spend it just being you?

There was a young lady in white,
Whose speed was far faster than light.
She went out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.


----------



## Contused

Young Nobel, Swedish by birth,
Found a use for diatomous earth.
Mixed with nitro, it jells
And like hot cakes it sells.
Can you imagine what Nobel is worth?


----------



## Contused

When a congressman aiding a firm
Was arrested, it made his peers squirm.
To encourage repentance,
His appropriate sentence
Was to serve an unlimited term.


----------



## Contused

A cheese that was aged and grey,
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, "Kindly note
My mamma was a goat,
And I'm made out of curds, by the whey."


----------



## Contused

All hail to the town of Limerick,
Which provides a cognomen, generic,
For a species of verse
Which, for better or worse,
Is supported by laymen and cleric.

In a limerick a word can be neatly
Inserted to fit in discretely.
If a limerick can not
For a word find a spot,
Then that word will be wasted completely.


----------



## Barrowman

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!


----------



## Contused

Barrowman said:


> A man and his lady-love, Min,
> Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
> Had a quarrel, no doubt,
> For I hear they fell out,
> What a blessing they didn't fall in!


Good one!

Welcome.


----------



## Contused

On the theme of Aixelsyd…

"I love uoy, my dear, it is true.
No eno can please me but you.
You do thrill me so,
And I want you to know."
She said this on the day she was dew.


----------



## Barrowman

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her insides


----------



## Contused

I obsess, am depressed, and I pine
And resent that the world isn't mine.
By the Fates I was struck
With pervasive bad luck,
And the wrong astrological sign.


----------



## Dave_Z1a

Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons
her bubbies pop out like balloons, 
her butler stands by
with a glint in his eye
and pops them back in with warm spoons.


----------



## Contused

Dave_Z1a said:


> Every time Lady Lowbodice swoons
> her bubbies pop out like balloons,
> her butler stands by
> with a glint in his eye
> and pops them back in with warm spoons.


Good one!

Welcome.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

In his grass hut the chief lived alone.
His throne, stowed up high, down was blown.
He was hit on the head
And it left him quite dead.
In grass houses do not stow a throne.


----------



## Dave_Z1a

Contused said:


> Good one!
> 
> Welcome.


thank you, one of my dads actually bless him.


----------



## Barrowman

I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used it since the year I was born.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was horribly stung by a wasp.
When they asked, 'Does it hurt?'
He replied, 'No, it doesn't…
It's a good job it wasn't a hornet!'


----------



## Contused

Four Limericks that celebrated the 90th birthday of George Bernard Shaw, born 26 July 1856…

That smasher of shams, Bernard Shaw,
Points out to the Sophists the flaw
In each flattering unction,
And, lacking compunction,
Makes hay of the drowning man's straw.
- Frank Buckland

Ninety summers… and never a platitude,
Or a single uncivilized attitude.
Ebullient heir
Of Sam Butler, Voltaire,
Would you mind if we mention our gratitude?
- Stanley J. Sharpless

O sage of the stage, Shaw of Shaws!
As your victims we venture applause.
Too ascetic for Paris,
Not to mention Frank Harris,
Your Webb-footed genius awes.
- Harold Ellis

All his life, Mr George Bernard Shaw
Has enjoyed catching fools on the raw.
At ninety we find
There's no change of mind,
Or decay in the set of his jaw.
- Audrey Herbert


----------



## Contused

In the days of mild Gerald Ford,
Decorum and calm were restored;
He did nothing hateful,
For which we were grateful,
And terribly, terribly bored.

Ronald Reagan screamed out in dismay,
When he saw his old films, "I must say
It's a very hard fact.
I must learn to act."
And that's what he does every day.


----------



## Contused

A poodle went sailing one night
In a yacht which was not watertight.
Under this circumstance,
You could tell at a glance
That his barque was much worse than his bite.

There was a small poodle of Pirbright,
Who would play at the organ all night;
And in this shrewd way
It kept burglars at bay,
For its Bach was much worse that its bite.


----------



## Contused

If limericks were all that we said
And limericks were all that we read,
What a world it would be
For people like me
With rhyming entrenched in their head.


----------



## Barrowman

I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.


----------



## Contused

He hated her hue, that is true.
Her hair was too blue, in his view.
He'd once badly dyed her
And could not abide her,
So he slapped on some H₂O₂.


----------



## Contused

A drunken old tar from St. Clements,
To ward off the scurvy, sucked lemons.
"With my health unimpaired,
I have time," he declared,
"To die of _delirium tremens_."


----------



## Contused

Another on the theme of Aixelsyd…

aixelsyD snaem ni esrever
ehT srettel desu ot ekam siht esrev.
So if you wish to read,
A mirror you'll need,
erawA rouy ecaf uoy yam ees tsrif.

Dyslexia means in reverse
The letters used to make this verse.
So if you wish to read,
A mirror you'll need,
Aware your face you may see first.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Fisher,
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure,
When a cod with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in…
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.

In the turbulent, turgid St. Lawrence
Fell a luscious young damsel named Florence,
Where poor, famished fish
Made this beautiful dish
An object of utter abhorrence.

There was a young angler of Worthing,
Who dug up ten worms and a fur thing.
He said, "How I wish
Eleven fine fish
Would snap up these things I'm unearthing."


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Grimes,
Who spent all her nickels and dimes
On satin and lace
To hold her in place,
And keep her abreast of the times.

There was a young lady named Josie,
Whose uncle's proboscis was rosy.
When she said to him, "Uncle,
Is that a carbuncle?"
He tersely replied, "Don't be nosy."


----------



## Contused

We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
And his trip on that fabulous night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most singular sight!

A jolly old fellow called Boakes
Knew five thousand eight hundred jokes,
Which, ranging from bad
To the dismally sad,
He tried out on helpless old folks.

An effeminate fellow from Lincoln,
One night did some serious drincoln,
Met a gal, now his wife,
Learned the true facts of life,
And blesses the day he got stincoln.

There was a young fellow named Willy,
Who acted remarkably silly.
At the big UN ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
He claimed that his costume was Chile.

There once was a fellow named Wright,
Who backward each word would recite.
But much, much too soon,
He reached the word 'noon',
And lay, sleepless, for many a night.

An angry young fellow once wrote
His ex-girlfriend a rather firm note
In such lurid detail
It caught fire in the mail…
Which leaves me unable to quote.


----------



## Contused

Young Joseph's new coat was real nice,
Bright colours and cheap at the price.
The coat was to take him
To Egypt and make him
As rich as Lloyd-Webber and Rice.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

By the seaside George Gershwin had planned
To dawdle and lie in the sand,
But decided instead,
Once he got out of bed
In the morning to bike up the strand.


----------



## Contused

Archimedes, the early truth-seeker,
Leapt out of his bath, cried 'Eureka!'
And ran half a mile,
Wearing only a smile,
Thus becoming the very first streaker.


----------



## Barrowman

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw in some greens and potatoes.


----------



## Contused

A cleric once heard with dismay
Each week he worked only one day.
He said, with a sigh,
"I cannot think why
I'm so busy on days when I play."


----------



## Contused

An unfortunate maiden named Esther,
A peculiar repugnance possessed her.
A reaction compulsive
Made kissing repulsive,
Which was rough on all those who caressed her.

A girl in a bathtub who'll grope
In the suds for a lost bar of soap,
Is the same in her search
As a girl in a church
On a quest for a soul full of hope.

There once was a lady named Jude,
Who was such an impeccable prude,
That she pulled down the blind
When changing her mind,
Lest a curious eye should intrude.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.


----------



## Contused

When asked to compose a wry ditty,
All rhymers from country and city,
Every Susan and Dick
Came up with a trick
To write limericks nitty and gritty.

Our existence would be that much grimmer ex-
cept for the solace of limericks.
A fact that's unknown
To two lots alone…
The drearier dons and the dimmer hicks.

If you say to a literate guy,
'Limericks!' Comes a gleam to his eye,
And he quotes one or two.
If he can't tell a few,
Then, beware, he's an enemy spy.

A limerick has only five lines.
The first two and last one all rhyme.
Lines four and three
Also rhyme perfectly.
While the rhythm is somewhat like mine.


----------



## Contused

Jazzing up an O'Carolin planxty,
A dulcimist thought himself fancy.
It sounded good far away,
But I wish he would play
On the banks of a river called Yangtze.

planxty = Irish melody for the harp, slower than a jig


----------



## Contused

A handsome young monk in a wood
Told a girl she should cling to the Good.
She obeyed him, and gladly.
He repulsed her, but sadly,
And said she had misunderstood.

"In a monastery," cried Friar Tuck,
"Lewd brothers are pushing their luck;
So are lecherous Abbots
With unwholesome habits…
There's a Monkhouse for that sort of muck!"
- Bob Monkhouse


----------



## Contused

All new-fashioned boats he eschiouxs,
And uses the birch-bark caniouxs.
These are handy and light,
And, inverted at night,
Give shelter from storms and from dyiouxs.

Now doesn't this spelling look ciouxrious?
'Tis enough to make anyone fiouxrious.
So a word to the wise!
Pray our language revise,
With orthography not so injiouxrious.

Puzzled? How do we pronounce Sioux?


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Eton,
Whose figure had plenty of meat on.
She said, "Marry me, dear,
And you'll find that my rear
Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on."


----------



## Contused

At the picnic we missed Jack and Flo,
And no one had seen the pair go.
After what seemed like hours,
They returned bearing flowers,
But we know where they went. Ho, ho, ho!

Jack's grasshopper pants appeared green,
And on the back of Flo's dress could be seen
More green spots and grasses,
Perhaps, as time passes,
They both may decide to come clean.


----------



## Contused

A kindly pawnbroker named Just,
Found his three gilded balls ringed with rust.
But he just could not bear
To use sandpaper there,
So he gave them a light talcum dust.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do?
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22


----------



## Contused

Beethoven, Mozart and Liszt
Are only infrequently hissed.
But the prommers go manic
On listening to 'Panic',
And mutter, "That's one to be missed."

'Panic' by Harrison Birtwistle (1995) - a dithyramb for alto saxophone, jazz drummer, wind, brass and percussion, played at the Last Night Of The Proms


----------



## Contused

Sally's dad came to call in the night.
In his hand was a shotgun, all white.
He said to me, "Son,
Kindly notice this gun…
The service will be at first light."


----------



## Barrowman

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.


----------



## Contused

If no Pain were, how judge we of Pleasure?
If no Work, where's the solace of Leisure?
What is White, if no Black?
What is Wealth, if no Lack?
If no Loss, how our Gain could we measure?


----------



## Contused

A pitiful case is young Rex,
With his bulgingly masculine pecs,
And biceps the size
Of a weightlifter's thighs,
For he's thinking of changing his sex.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Whose shoes were too tight to walk quick in 'em.
She came back from a walk,
Looking whiter than chalk
And took 'em both off and was sick in 'em.


----------



## Contused

In Genesis, Adam's the winner,
Whilst Eve is denounced as the sinner,
For the fruit that she brings.
That's how men see things.
He blames her when she brings home his dinner.


----------



## Contused

The _derrière_ Carrie displays
Never fails to delight and amaze.
She puts every ounce
Into use with a bounce!
And her boyfriend's estatic for days.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady named Etta,
Who fancied herself in a sweater.
Three reasons she had;
To keep warm was not bad,
But the other two reasons were better.


----------



## Contused

I wish that my room had a floor.
I don't care so much for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.


----------



## Contused

There once was a stitcher from Guelph,
Who was visited one night by an elf.
She awoke in the morn,
And was terribly torn
To find her stitching had completed itself!


----------



## Contused

My Scarlett is up typing nightly
When I wish I were holding her tightly.
But it must be OK,
'Cause all I can say
Is a keyboard in bed is unsightly.


----------



## Contused

There once was a plesiosaurus,
Who lived when the earth was all porous.
But it fainted with shame,
When it first heard its name,
And departed long ages before us.


----------



## Contused

An insufferable writer named Wise
Was finally cut down to size,
When his peers had enough
And were sick of his guff,
They gave him the "Phew"litzer prize.


----------



## Contused

A toper who spies, in the distance,
Striped tigers, will get some assistance
From reading Descartes,
Who holds that it's part
Of his duty to doubt their existence.

But if he's a student of Berkeley,
One thing will emerge, rather starkly,
That he ought to believe
What his senses perceive,
No matter how dimly or darkly.


----------



## yorkybarkid

Thank you Frank Muir for this one

There was a young girl from Bombay
Who set sail for China one day
She was chained to the tiller
With a sex starved gorilla
And China,s   a   bloody   long   way


----------



## Contused

A listener to Classic FM
Said, 'Oh, no! Not again.'
So he tuned BBC
And on Radio 3
Heard the same wretched piece once again.


----------



## Contused

I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing.
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing.
But be of good cheer,
From what little I DO hear,
I count missing the rest quite a blessing.


----------



## Contused

When Adam first met up with Eve,
He said, "I can't laugh up my sleeve,
But to me you look queer
When you bring me my beer,
And funnier still when you leave."


----------



## Barrowman

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.


----------



## Contused

Concerning the bees and the flowers
In the fields and the gardens and bowers,
You will note at a glance
That their ways of romance
Haven't any resemblance to ours.


----------



## Contused

Said Wellington, "What's the location
Of this battle I've won for the nation?"
They replied, "Waterloo."
The Duke said, "That'll do.
What a glorious name for a station."


----------



## Contused

On retiring, old Father Niven,
Whom his flock to the bottle had driven,
Got a barrel of Rum,
So he thanked for the drum,
And the spirit, in which it was given!


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

A School Master's fate has been said
To be juxtaposition, instead
Of a sensible word.
This is what we heard,
"You've tasted two worms," said the Head.


----------



## Contused

A young English woman named St. John
Met a red-skinned American In. John,
Who made her his bride
And gave her beside,
A dress with a gaudy bead Fr. John.


----------



## Contused

'I think that I think that I am,'
Thought a Pentium processor, Sam.
'If you take me apart
You will find no Descartes,
Because _cogito ergo_, I'm Sam.'


----------



## Barrowman

I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.


----------



## Contused

A publisher once went to France
In search of a tale of romance.
A Parisian lady
Told a story so shady
That the publisher made an advance.


----------



## Barrowman

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.


----------



## Contused

Well, if it's a sin to like Guinness,
Then that I admits what my sin is.
I like it with fizz,
Or just as it is,
And it's much better for me than gin is.


----------



## Contused

A chap with a weakness for locks
Was making a tour of Fort Knox,
When he spotted a fault
In the door of a vault,
And abstracted a dozen gold blocks.


----------



## Contused

An adventurous fun-loving polyp
Propositioned a cute little scallop
Down under the sea.
"Nothing doing," said she.
"By Triton, you think I'm a trollop?"


----------



## Contused

As an LSE graduate said,
"As a student, of course, I was Red.
But now I'm with Shell,
Let the proles go to hell!
My pension is safe till I'm dead."

LSE = London School of Economics


----------



## Contused

When Man fails to grasp his own worth
And increases by uncontrolled birth,
He will die, I do think,
In a terrible stink,
For there'll be no fresh air on this earth.


----------



## Contused

A stargazer out in St. Kitts,
Is often shook up, he admits.
An eclipse of the moon
Throws him into a swoon…
Shooting stars scare him out of his wits.

There was a young man of St. Kitts,
Who was very much troubled with fits.
The eclipse of the moon
Threw him into a swoon,
When he tumbled and broke into bits.


----------



## Contused

There was an old man who said, "Do
Tell me how to add two and two.
It may not be more
Than just three or four…
But I fear that is rather too few."

There was an old man of Sheerness,
Who invited two friends to play chess,
But he'd lent all the pieces
To one of his nieces,
And stupidly lost the address.

Said a gentle old man, "I suppose
I ought not to wear my best clothes.
But what can I do?
I only have two,
And these are no better than those."


----------



## Contused

My mother believes me exchanged
At the hospital rather than changed.
She said that the others,
My sisters and brothers,
Were never so nearly deranged.


----------



## Contused

A tse-tse fly, wholly at sea,
Unsure whom to bite, you or me,
At last settled on you
Who then whacked him in two,
And the tse-tse fly now is a tse.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, 'Let us flee,'
Said the flea, 'Let us fly,'
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


----------



## Contused

There once was a learned guru,
Who found he had nothing to do.
So he sat on a tack
And thought into and back
And out and beyond, and clear through.


----------



## Barrowman

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.


----------



## Contused

T.S. Eliot is quite at a loss,
When clubwomen bustle across
At literary teas,
Crying, "What, if you please,
Did you mean by 'The Mill on the Floss'?"


----------



## Barrowman

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.


----------



## Contused

They bake some strange buns in Nuneaton
With dough that's first whipped and then beaten.
They eat several tons
Of these fabulous buns,
But, south of Nuneaton none's eaten.


----------



## Barrowman

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.


----------



## Contused

A careless explorer named Blake
Fell into a tropical lake.
Said a fat alligator,
A few minutes later,
"Very nice, but I still prefer cake."


----------



## Contused

A quick witted astronaut, Dwight,
When asked 'bout his upcoming flight,
Did he have worry one
'Bout landing on the sun?
"Heck no, we're landing at night!"


----------



## Barrowman

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said: "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.'


----------



## Contused

Lord, since it's hard to explain,
By reason, the problem of Pain,
Assist us to revel
In talk of the Devil,
And spare us the use of the brain.


----------



## Barrowman

My dog is really quite hip,
Except when he takes a cold dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool
and reminds me of a sinking ship.


----------



## Barrowman

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting


----------



## Contused

A lady, while playing the flute,
Was thought to be rather astute.
Her runs were not always
As fluid as Galway's,
But her wiggle was wonderfully cute.


----------



## Contused

The Sky's are a pitiful lot,
There's Chom, and there's Spas, and there's Trot.
Trot chose the wrong lobby,
Spas flunked out to Bobby,
And the structures of Chom are all rot.


----------



## Barrowman

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.


----------



## Contused

As he filled up his order book pp.
He decided, 'I want higher ww.'
So he struck for more pay
But, alas, now they say
He is sweeping out elephants' cc.


----------



## Barrowman

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgotten they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.


----------



## rebrascora

Barrowman said:


> An elderly man called Keith,
> Mislaid his set of false teeth.
> They'd been laid on a chair,
> He'd forgotten they were there,
> Sat down, and was bitten beneath.


Looks like this may have been posted on the wrong thread??
I would guess it was intended for the "SILLY SILLY LIMERICKS" thread on the Jokes and Entertainment section. Perhaps a member of Admin could move it there?


----------



## Barrowman

There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe?
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady who wouldn't.
Her mother had told her she shouldn't.
When her dear mama died,
She felt free. So she tried,
But by then she's so old that she couldn't.


----------



## Contused

There once was a man from St. Paul,
Who moaned about being so tall.
At night in his bed
Was his body and head.
His feet had to sleep in the hall.


----------



## Barrowman

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.


----------



## Contused

In the earliest days of Dodge City
If your draw was not fast 'twas a pity.
On the stone at your head
The inscription that said
Something sad was so apt to be witty!


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.


----------



## Contused

Amidst the confusion of a crowd,
Dirty Joe fondled young Miss Dowd.
She was shocked and afrighted,
And yet so excited,
That she moaned for help… but not too loud!


----------



## Contused

The candidate, Senator Dole,
Was arrested for playing the role
Of a Christian right-winger
Who's a Liberal swinger
With a wit that's acerbic, yet droll.


----------



## Barrowman

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.


----------



## Contused

Karl Marx, teaching bowling, explains
That to play the game doesn't take brains.
There are in each alley
Ten pins one must tally
And nothing to choose but one's lanes.


----------



## Contused

There once was a lexicon hack,
Whose alphabet knowledge was slack.
'Stead of aardvark to zygote,
Finishing the O's, he got
Up to P, and never came back.


----------



## Contused

These rhymes were designed by a priest
To affect your religion like yeast.
If they help it to grow
Like the yeast in the dough,
There'll be one better Christian at least.


----------



## Contused

To his wife said a grumbler named Dutton,
"I'm a gourmet, I am, not a glutton.
For ham, jam or lamb
I don't give a damn.
Come on, let's return to our mutton."

There was an old glutton named Sam,
Who had a great weakness for ham.
When they brought him bacon,
He said, "You're mistaken,
But I'll eat it all, pig that I am!"


----------



## Barrowman

A nifty young flapper named Jane
While walking was caught in the rain.
She ran--almost flew,
Her complexion did too,
And she reached home exceedingly plain.


----------



## Contused

A bashful young batchelor, Cleary,
Of girls was exceedingly leary,
Then a lady named Lou
Showed him how and with who
He could render his evenings more cheery.


----------



## Contused

Anthony Euwer’s Limeratomy

Anthony Euwer wrote a sequence of limericks which he called *The Limeratomy*, a word which combines ‘limerick’ and ‘anatomy’. Here are a few. As Euwer explained it…

As I lay in my bed on the flat o’ me,
I was shocked at the sight of the fat o’ me,
So to keep my nerves steady
I concocted and edi-
ted this luminous, lim’rick anatomy.







The ankle's chief end is exposiery
Of the latest designs in silk hosiery;
Also, I suspect,
It's a means to connect
The part called the calf with the toesiery.

As a beauty I’m not a great star,
There are others more handsome by far,
But my face, I don’t mind it,
Because I’m behind it…
’Tis the folks in the front that I jar.

The hands, they were made to assist
In supplying the features with grist.
There are only a few,
As a rule about two,
And are hitched to the end of the wrist.

No matter how grouchy you’re feeling,
You’ll find the smile more or less healing.
It grows in a wreath
All around the front teeth,
Thus preserving the face from congealing.


----------



## Contused

Pray, consider the threatening lynx,
He's savage, and sullen, and stynx.
Though he never has stunk
Like the scandalous skunk,
'Tis a task far beyond him, methynx.


----------



## Contused

This shortage of help has produced
More kitchen-wise males than it used,
Like that man of gallantry
Who, leaving the pantry,
Remarked, "Well, my cook is well goosed!"


----------



## Barrowman

A canny young fisher named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in—
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.


----------



## Contused

There once was a witch from St. Rose,
Who hated the wart on her nose.
"I think you will find
That true love is blind,"
Said her date, a gnome with three toes.


----------



## Contused

Said the boy driving home towards Mere,
"We've just run out of petrol, my dear."
Said the girl, "Don't you worry!
I'm not in a hurry.
Just get out, you can push, and I'll steer."


----------



## Barrowman

Here's to the chigger,
The bug that's no bigger
Than the point of an undersized pin;
But the welt that he raises
Sure itches like blazes,
And that's where the rub comes in!


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a man from Gorem
Had a pair of tight pants and he wore 'em
When he bowed with a grin
A draft of air rushed in
And he knew by the sound that he tore 'em!


----------



## Contused

If you have an accident, prone.
Just lie on the roadway and moan.
Do not move your neck
And later, expect
A whiplasher lawyer to phone.

The Number One accident prone,
He lives with a black cat alone.
'Neath ladders he'll go,
Goes faster than slow,
Has no 999 on his phone.

This Joe was so accident prone,
Already five airbags has blown.
At junk yards, "Hi, Joe.
This time a free tow."
State Farm will not answer its phone.


----------



## Contused

Young Mozart was once heard to say,
"I sit at the keyboard all day.
My works, piece by piece,
Show a steady increase,
And yet I do nothing but play."


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

A famous film maker extols
The hire of trained dogs and his goal's
Not to mis-cast a breed.
He has further agreed
That he'll not use spare pugs in hound roles.


----------



## Barrowman

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.


----------



## Contused

A whale is a mammal, you say,
And a dolphin who swims in the bay.
But did you consider
The two may be bitter,
They're related to us in this way?


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder, why didn’t it fall?
Because its feet stuck? Or was it just luck?
Or does gravity miss things so small?


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Wyatt,
Who kept a big girl on the quiet.
But down on the wharf
He kept also a dwarf,
In case he should go on a diet.


----------



## Barrowman

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad, when it goes.


----------



## Contused

Why don't we pronounce steak like steek,
Like weak, for example, or beak.
But no! We say stake
As in bake me a cake,
So let's throw this whole mess in the creak.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a Young Lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin:
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow called Binn,
Who was so excessively thin
That when he essayed
To drink lemonade
He slipped through the straw and fell in.

A dieting lass named Flynn,
Reduced till she went way past thin.
She's no more, I'm afraid,
For she sipped lemonade,
And slipped down through the straw and fell in.


----------



## Barrowman

My dog is really quite hip,
Except when he takes a cold dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow named Hal,
Whose wife ran away with his pal.
He abhorred deprivation,
So he found consolation
In the arms of another friend's gal.


----------



## Contused

That essay by Miss Rose Macaulay
Has made me go all creepy-crawly.
My brain feels torpescent,
Those words so turgescent
Are not all in the dictionary, surely?


----------



## Barrowman

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.


----------



## Contused

An old gourmet, who's grown somewhat stout,
Felt a twinge and much feared it was gout.
"If I drink now," he thought,
"Three whole bottles of port,
It surely will settle the doubt."


----------



## Contused

A student once had the ambition
Of becoming a medical technician.
But med schools were so strict,
Folks were dying to get picked;
So instead she became a mortician.

Said a zealous young student named Coles,
"As we always term Polish folk 'Poles',
I am more than inclined,
With my logical mind,
To designate Holland's sons 'Holes'."

There was a young student called Fred,
Who was questioned on Descartes and said,
"It's perfectly clear
That I'm not really here,
For I haven't a thought in my head."

Said a boastful young student from Hayes,
As he entered the Hampton Court Maze,
"There's nothing in it.
I won't be a minute."
He's been missing for forty-one days.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a young schoolboy from Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie?
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?


----------



## Contused

The chief stewardess on a Boeing,
When asked where the aircraft was going,
Said, "Our navigator
Is joining us later.
So 'til then we have no way of knowing."


----------



## Barrowman

An elderly man called Keith,
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair,
He'd forgotten they were there,
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.


----------



## Contused

Let's abolish the tattered _cliché_.
Let's aggressively drive it away.
I'm sure you'll agree
To join forces with me.
In the meantime… have a good day!


----------



## Barrowman

There was an old man from Peru,
Who dreamt he was eating his shoe?
He woke in the night,
With a terrible fright,
And found it was perfectly true.


----------



## Barrowman

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I lost my pants.


----------



## Contused

A modern young lady named Flynn,
Would remark after more than one gin,
"I intend to be bold
In a manner untold,
For there's need of original sin."

A man who would woo a fair maid,
He should 'prentice himself to the trade,
And study all day
In methodical way
How to flatter, cajole and persuade.


----------



## Contused

Let geometers sing their dull psalms
About circles' and triangles' charms.
The best figure I prize
Is a girl with bright eyes,
And the circle that's formed by her arms.

Of maths tests I've always been scared,
Most answers I guessed if I dared.
I really did fine
Right up to the time
They told me that pie are squared.


----------



## Barrowman

A newspaperman named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five-dollar note,
Was so good he now wears so much bling.


----------



## Contused

A nasty old vampire named Dracula,
Had habits really spectacula.
He drank by the keg,
But 'twas pure _Rh neg_
Red blood, to use the vernacula.


----------



## Barrowman

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.


----------



## Contused

If prayer is so sweet and sublime,
And assists in our heavenly climb,
Why propose to prepare
For a moment of prayer?
We should simply pray all of the time.


----------



## Barrowman

I'd rather have Fingers than Toes,
I'd rather have Ears than a Nose.
And as for my Hair,
I'm glad it's all there,
I'll be awfully sad when it goes.


----------



## Contused

An insomniac atheist, Bogg,
Lived his life in a dyslexic fog.
His nights were much cancer'd
By questions unanswered,
Such as, is there really a doG?


----------



## Barrowman

There was a faith healer of Deal,
Who said: "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel."


----------



## Contused

"There is one thing I honestly dread,"
Said the marsupial quadruped.
"The kids cause such an ouch
When inside of my pouch,
For the dummies eat crackers in bed."


----------



## Barrowman

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf around his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.


----------



## Contused

Some Hallowe'en Limericks…

A hallowe'en witch sang a tune,
As she boarded her broom for the moon.
This is quite a sad tale;
When she started to sail,
She slipped and dropped splat in Saltoun.

A librarian, H. Graham Wells,
Thought someone was ringing his bells
When a witch on a broom
Fell into his room
And asked for a good book on spells.
- Nola Buck

There was an old house on a hill
Whose shutters would never stay still.
They'd creak and they'd clang,
Then they'd shut with a bang -
Which caused many a moan from the sill.
- Nola Buck

There was a wild witch of the West
Who thought that her spells were the best.
So she challenged her friend
To a duel to the end -
'Twas a spelling bee laid her to rest.
- Nola Buck

There was a young woman named Tats
Whose cooking was done in big vats.
When I went to her house,
She fed me stewed mouse -
Now I know why her friends are all cats.
- Nola Buck


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.


----------



## Contused

There is a small island whose folk,
Weighed down by the communist yoke,
All wait and all pray,
And all hope for the day
When a …*libre* ain't just rum and coke.


----------



## Barrowman

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.


----------



## Contused

A lonely old maid of Cohoes,
In despair, taught her bird to propose.
But the parrot, dejected
At being accepted,
Spoke some lines too profane to disclose.

There once was a clever young maid,
Who only ate grape marmalade.
At one hundred and three,
She said with a WHEEEEE!
"How nicely preserved I have stayed!"

A recalcitrant milk-maid named May
Was expelled from the dairy one day,
For her milk product sales,
With her thumb on the scales,
Which they said was no way to weigh whey.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.


----------



## Contused

"The next time you make up a pun,"
A father once said to his son,
"Go out in the yard,
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you've done."


----------



## Barrowman

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.


----------



## Barrowman

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.


----------



## Contused

A dozen, a gross and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Is nine squared plus zero, no more.


----------



## Barrowman

There was an old man from Sudan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, 'yes, I know.
'But I always try to get as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.'


----------



## Contused

A señora who strolled on the Corso,
Displayed quite a lot of her torso.
A crowd soon collected
And no one objected,
Though some were in favour of more so.

Corso = promenade


----------



## Contused

A limerick need not be pure.
It may stink like a load of manure.
Nor need it be bawdy,
Off-colour, or gaudy,
Though that appears to help, to be sure.

The limerick has five lines sublime,
The first, fifth, and second ones rhyme.
It is also quite true
That the other two do,
So write one if you have the time.

The limerick should always be terse.
It hasn't the time to coerce,
Then in the last line
Reveal your design
To make the best use of one verse.


----------



## Barrowman

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened—it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her—
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.


----------



## Contused

Colonel Custer said, "Good folks, of course,
I do not have the slightest remorse
For what I have done
To see the west won
And just who is this guy, Crazy Horse?"

A colonel called out with great force
In the midst of Hyde Park for a horse.
All the soldiers looked round,
But none could be found.
So he just rhododendron, of course.


----------



## Barrowman

A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
"Let us fly," said the flea,
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.


----------



## Contused

A lady of Old Amsterdam
Loved to breakfast on Westphalia ham.
After 40 miles skating
She did not like waiting
For breakfast in Old Amsterdam


----------



## Barrowman

A major, with wonderful force,
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
All the flowers looked round,
But no horse could be found;
So he just rhododendron, of course.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady from Hannibal,
Who won local fame as a cannibal,
By eating her mother,
Her father, her brother,
And two sisters, Gertrude, and Annabel.

A trader, named Sandy McVeetie,
With a cannibal king made a treaty.
With a glass of gin-sling
Mac toasted the king,
And then the king toasted McVeetie.

As the natives got ready to serve
A midget explorer named Merve,
"This meal will be brief,"
Said the cannibal chief,
"For this is at best an _hors d'oeuvre_."


----------



## Barrowman

A canny young fisher named Fisher
Once fished from the edge of a fissure.
A fish with a grin
Pulled the fisherman in—
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.


----------



## Contused

Cassandra declining to follow
His amorous leanings, Apollo
Exceedingly miffed,
Allowed her the gift
Of predictions that no-one would swallow.


----------



## Barrowman

Here's to the chigger,
The bug that's no bigger
Than the point of an undersized pin;
But the welt that he raises
Sure itches like blazes,
And that's where the rub comes in!


----------



## Contused

There was a young fellow from Boise,
Who at times was exceedingly noise…
So his friends' joy increased
When he moved way back east,
To what people in Brooklyn call Joise.

(Boise/Boy-see, noise/noisy, Joise/Joisee = Jersey)


----------



## Barrowman

The bottle of perfume that Willie sent
It was highly displeasing to Millicent;
Her thanks were so cold
They quarrelled, I'm told,
Through that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.


----------



## Contused

To temptation I'm quick to submit.
I regret many sins, I admit.
Yet this is no boast…
I regret the most,
Those sins that I failed to commit.


----------



## Barrowman

I'm papering walls in the loo
And quite frankly I haven't a clue;
For the pattern's all wrong
(Or the paper's too long)
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.


----------



## Barrowman

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.


----------



## Contused

Another Spoonerick…

A magician was really quite fond
Of the way his trained dove would respond
To performing his stunts,
And he said more than once
That his bird was as good as his wand.


----------



## Contused

Having made a remark rather coarse,
A young lady was seized with remorse.
So she fled from the room,
And later, an old groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.

There was a young lady of Malta,
When young was oft seen with a psalter.
But she's read Marie Stopes
And now she just hopes,
And prays to be took to the altar.


----------



## Contused

A centipede, shopping for clothes,
Decided to buy some nice hose.
She said, "Those look nifty,
I'll take about fifty,
And all those, and all those, and all those."


----------



## Contused

A novelist, flushed with success,
Said, "The World's in a horrible mess;
With its quarrels it needs
The new morals and creeds
I shall shortly be sending to Press."


----------



## Contused

A prolifc young mother named Hall,
Who seemed to have triplets each Fall,
When asked why and wherefore,
Said, "That's what we're here for,
But we often get nothing at all."


----------



## Barrowman

There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.


----------



## Contused

Polonius was wise, as you'll see,
When from Denmark his son wished to flee.
His advice was quite clever,
As he said one should never
A lender or borrower be.

Poor Ophelia went out of her mind,
For her father she woefully pined.
When Prince Hamlet's sword
Pierced that once noble Lord
Through the drapes he was hiding behind.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a young schoolboy from Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie?
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?


----------



## Contused

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl and the bucket)
And he said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan,"
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset,
Where he still held the cash as an asset,
And Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran,
And as for the bucket, Manhasset.


----------



## Barrowman

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.


----------



## Contused

The fellow in charge of the Budget
Was arrested for plotting to fudge it.
He happens to think,
Since a budget's just ink,
If you want to revise it, just smudge it.

There was an old fellow named Bryan,
Whose voice was for evermore cryin',
'Do you think that my shape
Was derived from an ape?
Well, I think Charlie Darwin was lyin'.'

There was a young fellow from Texas,
Who drove around in a Lexus.
He went on a bender,
And smashed up his fender…
Methinks he lost all his reflexes!


----------



## Barrowman

A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd
She was frightened—it must be allowed.
Soon a happy thought hit her—
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed.


----------



## Contused

A young trapeze artist named Bract
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.

An unpopular youth of Cologne
With a pain in his stomach did mogne.
He heaved a great sigh,
And said, "I would digh,
But the loss would be only my ogne."

There once were some learned MD's,
Who captured some germs of disease
And infected a train,
Which, without causing pain,
Allowed hundreds to catch it with ease.


----------



## Contused

"On the beach," said John sadly, "there's such
A thing as revealing too much."
So he closed both his eyes
At the ranks of bare thighs,
And felt his way through them by touch.

No matter how ardent and bold,
Love's passion will quickly turn cold,
If in midst of the clinging,
The phone starts its ringing
And she puts her young lover on hold.

Sardines seem to get out of hand
In a way I can not understand,
For they never appear
At the table, I hear,
Unless they are tight, oiled and canned.


----------



## Contused

A beheaded limerick…

A nice pot of gold that was mari,
Belonged to a dan that was harri,
When some cals who were ras
Filled their kets that were bas,
She put up a cade which was barri.


----------



## Contused

Have you heard about poor Angelique?
She canoed up the river last week
With some damn lumberjack,
And though they came back,
We're afraid she's been left up the creek.

I'm getting deep lines on my forehead,
My face is becoming quite florid.
I measure with dread
My middle-aged spread;
I think growing old is quite horrid.

There was a young lady named Hannah,
Who slipped on a peel of banana.
More stars she espied
As she lay on her side
Than are found in the Star Spangled Banner.


----------



## Contused

There once was a schoolboy named Mark,
Afraid of the trees in the dark,
His friends said, "Poor mite.
Do you think they will bite?"
He said, "No, I'm afraid of their bark!"


----------



## Contused

The Limerick's the best poem I've seen.
If you've read them you know what I mean.
You can read pages and pages,
They appeal to all ages,
Yet none of the good ones are clean.
- John Patrick Riley

Bravo! I say to your post.
Your limerick's funnier than most.
It truly was hearty,
Could be read at a party,
With you, John, acting as host.
- Daniel Horner


----------



## Contused

There was a distiller of Dublin,
Whose whiskey was always a-troubling
Someone or another,
It made such a bother!
Och! What a tiresome distiller of Dublin.

A Turk by the name of Haroun
Ate whiskey by means of a spoon.
To one who asked why,
This Turk made reply,
"To drink is forbidden, you loon!"


----------



## Contused

A naïve young lady of Cork
Was told she was brought by the stork.
But after a full day
With a gent named O'Shea,
She distrusted all that sort of talk.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pox,
and had to go to the vet.


----------



## Contused

In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
But this lubricant lapse
Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because nobody does in Duluth.


----------



## Barrowman

Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have the dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
I lost my pants.


----------



## Contused

Selling Powergen for peanuts to Hanson,
Who provides half the Tories 'financin',
Wins Thatcher's consent.
Oh, don't call her bent…
She's as honest and clean as Charles Manson.


----------



## Contused

How varied the family Sen!
For instance, Sun Yat, Ib and Jen.
Sun Yat changed Cathay,
Ib wrote play after play,
And Jen played and changed the Top Ten.


----------



## Contused

A young child with a cry brief and dismal
Fell into the waters baptismal.
'Ere they'd gathered its plight,
It had sunk out of sight,
For the depth of the font was abysmal.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted;
He would go to a party
And eat just as hearty,
As if he'd been really invited.


----------



## Contused

Said old Peeping Tom of Fort Lee,
"Peeping ain't what it's cracked up to be.
I lose all my sleep
As I peep and I peep,
And I find 'em all peeping at me."


----------



## Barrowman

A maiden at college, Miss Breeze,
Weighed down by B.A.s and Lit.D's,
Collapsed from the strain,
Said her doctor, "It's plain
You are killing yourself—by degrees!"


----------



## Contused

One man combining much brawn and brain,
For Indians, felt complete disdain.
One man who would not quit.
One man who had true grit.
The hero of the West, bold John Wayne.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder, why didn’t it fall?
Because its feet stuck? Or was it just luck?
Or does gravity miss things so small?


----------



## Contused

A cute Curate who lived in Dundalk,
Proclaimed he could fly like a hawk.
Cheered by thousands of people,
He leapt from the steeple,
But the splash-down soon proved it just talk.


----------



## Contused

In dealing with time it is found
That the future and past move around.
So the present is cast
In the future and past,
It seems we are breaking new ground.


----------



## Barrowman

At times I’m so mad that I’m hopping.
My angriness sets my veins popping.
I yell and I curse,
With swear words diverse,
But my wife does much worse: she goes shopping.


----------



## Contused

There was a young priest of Dun Laoghaire,
Who stood on his head in the Kaoghaire.
When the people asked why,
He just said in reply,
"It's the latest liturgical thaoghaire."

or

There was a young priest of Dun Leery,
Who stood on his head in the Kyrie.
When the people asked why,
He just said in reply,
"It's the latest liturgical theory."


----------



## Barrowman

There was a faith-healer of Deal,
Who said: "Although pain isn't real,
If I sit on a pin
And it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel.'


----------



## Contused

A boy who played tunes on a comb,
Had become such a nuisance at homb,
His ma spanked him, and then,
"Will you do it again?"
And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."


----------



## Contused

There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, "When I eat
Either fish, fowl or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick."


----------



## Contused

Her Weight-Watcher diet she found
Was dismal in spite of the sound
Of the glamorous ads
From money-wise lads
Who would gain if she lost just a pound.


----------



## Contused

A wily old writer called Maugham
Was seldom, if ever, off faugham.
His works were incisive
And often derisive,
But really his heart was quite waugham.


----------



## Contused

Nan, Paw, and Saw, of Setucket,
Between them had only one bucket.
Nan took it and ran
And the trouble began…
Sawtucket, Pawtucket, Nantucket.


----------



## Barrowman

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored - how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.


----------



## Contused

There once was a monarch called Harry,
Whose efforts seemed doomed to miscarry,
Since his wish for a son,
Plus unlimited fun,
Made him marry and marry and marry.


----------



## Contused

Says the Frenchman, "You'll pay us for sure."
Says the German, "We can't for we're poor."
So Fritz with a whine,
Sings 'Watch on the Rhine,'
But Poilu sings, 'Watch on the Ruhr.'


----------



## Barrowman

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled, or fried.


----------



## Contused

An hour for coffee I waited.
I sat there with breath that was bated.
The waitress passed through,
I asked for some brew,
The clot brought me decaffeinated.


----------



## Barrowman

My dog is really quite hip,
Except when he takes a cold dip.
He looks like a fool,
When he jumps in the pool,
And reminds me of a sinking ship.


----------



## Contused

These verses, one can but surmise,
Were not meant for clerical eyes.
Should the Bishop and Dean
Find out what they mean,
They ought to turn pink with surprise.

And if, among Romish admirers,
They stimulate naughty desires,
Confess them, at least,
To your neighbourhood priest,
For the price of ten _Ave Marias_.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It, at last, grew so small
He knew nothing at all
And now he's a college professor.


----------



## Contused

A mathematician confided
That a Möbius strip is one-sided.
You'll get quite a laugh
If you cut it in half,
For it stays in one piece when divided.


----------



## Contused

A bibulous chap from Duquesne
Drank a whole jeroboam of champuesne.
Said he with a laugh,
As he quaughed the last quaugh,
"I tried to get drunk, but in vuesne."


----------



## Barrowman

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.


----------



## Contused

An old gentleman living at Harwich,
At ninety was thinking of marriage.
In came his grandson,
Who was just twenty-one,
And went off with the bride in his carriage.


----------



## Contused

They use dope in D.C., I swear.
It's obvious to me that they're
Quite smoking a lot
And it must be pot.
I know that the Joint Chiefs are there.


----------



## Contused

Said a girl who was forced to go dutch
On a love nest, "I don't mind too much.
Though I pay half the lease,
I collect half… apiece…
From Smitty, Gil, Stuart, Tim and Hutch."


----------



## Barrowman

I'm papering walls in the loo
And quite frankly I haven't a clue;
For the pattern's all wrong
(Or the paper's too long)
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.


----------



## Contused

Mr. Keating said, "Kids, life is fraught
With things to avoid and you ought
To prevent serving time,
Though you have done the crime,
Just be careful and never get caught."


----------



## Contused

A well-known Ballina hatter
Had two sons as alike as don't matter.
To the former he said,
"Run along now to bed."
But the young man replied, "I'm the latter."


----------



## Contused

There are plenty of people in Md.
Who think that their state is a fd.
It seems odd to find
That they really don't mind
It's Wis., not Md. is Dd.

Md. is the abbreviation for Maryland


----------



## Contused

In a piano concerto in A,
The cadenza went sadly astray.
Getting back via China,
F blunt, G flat minor
And stations from Slough on the way.


----------



## Barrowman

There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short........


----------



## Contused

A young girl approaches, with face so sweet.
I watch her as she makes her retreat,
And viewed from the rear,
In hindsight, it's clear,
Thongs should only be worn on the feet.


----------



## Contused

I confess, and my stomach confirms,
That something inside of me squirms
When I read in the pages
Of history's Dark Ages,
Men partook of a Diet of Worms.


----------



## Barrowman

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"


----------



## Contused

A baritone star of Havana
Slipped horribly on a banana.
He was sick for a year,
Then resumed his career
As a promising lyric soprano.


----------



## Contused

Bob to his friends sympathetic,
"Some of these rhymes are poetic,
But if you don't try,
The best will go by
And the rest may appear quite pathetic."

"So break out your own rhyming style.
Post a limerick and bring us a smile,
And soon you may find
An intelligent mind
To have interplay with for a while."


----------



## Contused

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane!


----------



## Contused

A grumpy old bullfrog named Dwight,
Who slept in a box every night,
Was kissed by a princess,
Became Señor Wences,
And croaked, with his mouth shut, "S'alright!"


----------



## Contused

A young mountain climber named Frazier,
Fell into a crack in a glacier.
"This is really appalling!"
He shouted while falling,
Then he lapsed into total aphasia.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a young lady named Alice
Who was known to have peed in a chalice?
‘Twas the common belief
It was done for relief,
And not out of protestant malice.


----------



## Contused

Said Lord Nelson to Hardy, "Please kiss me."
And what Hardy did next is no mystery.
'Tis for this sweet caress,
Not for naval success,
That his name is remembered in history.


----------



## Contused

If you fasten your ear to a shell
It will conjure a magical spell.
The sands of Hawaii
Will whisper, "How are ya?
Aloha. Hello and farewell."


----------



## Contused

An amorous maiden antique
Locked a man in her house for a week.
He entered her door
With a shout and a roar,
But his exit was marked with a squeak.


----------



## Barrowman

Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.


----------



## Contused

There was a young lady called Burton,
Who outraged the Fellows of Girton
By cycling to town
Without wearing a gown,
And, what's worse, without even a skirt on.


----------



## Barrowman

There was a Young Lady whose chin
Resembled the point of a pin:
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.


----------



## Contused

Said a man to his spouse in East Sydenham,
"My best trousers! Now where have you hydenham?
It is perfectly true
They were not very new,
But I foolishly left half a quydenham."


----------



## Contused

"Well, well!" said the tortoise. "Dear me!
How defective your auto must be!
Though I speed every day,
Not a fine do I pay…
The police cannot catch me, you see!"


----------



## Contused

I sell the best brandy and sherry
To make my good customers merry,
But at times their finances
Run short as it chances,
And then I feel very sad, very.


----------



## Contused

My wife sometimes eats like a hog
And then takes our pet for a jog.
But they are both missing,
And I'm craving kissing.
… I will pay a reward for the dog!


----------



## Contused

I certainly didn't intend
That any of these should offend,
But if it were so
You'll be heartened to know
You've finally come to *THE END!*


----------



## Barrowman

A painter, who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.


----------



## Barrowman

There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.


----------

