# Someone tell me a joke, I’m really fed up



## Bloden

Got any jokes, anyone? I need a good laugh, hahaha.


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## snowball12

What's pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife lol

Well it made me laugh


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## Bloden

Made me laugh too @snowball12 - ta v much.


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## Barrowman

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?

Because it got stuck in a crack.


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## Drummer

What words really should mean
Gargoyle olive based mouthwash
Flatulence the LWB vehicle used to transport some crush injuries
Balderdash a rapidly receding hairline
Rectitude the dignified bearing of a proctologist (I didn't know either)
Pokémon a Rastafarian proctologist
Circumvent (noun) the opening in male underwear
Frisbetarian the belief that one's soul can become entangled in a tree
Abdicate to abandon all hope of having a flat stomach
Negligent (noun from the French) hurriedly answering the door to receive an early morning delivery having grabbed the wrong dressing gown


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## snowball12

Bloden said:


> Made me laugh too @snowball12 - ta v much.


You're welcome


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## Chris Hobson

The smallest thing that is known to man is the sub atomic particle, measured scientifically under lab conditions to be ten centimetres taken to the minus thirteenth power. But though this thing is very small it's really not that small when compared to the line that is ever so fine that seperates the hot from the cold on the handle of my shower.


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## Barrowman

I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.

I can’t wait for his face to light up when he opens it.


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## C&E Guy

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune selling refrigerators?

He’s a fridge magnate.


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## joner847

What's Brown and Sticky?




A Twig!


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## joner847

A neutron walk into a Bar and asks the barman "How much for a Beer?"

The Barman replies "For you, No Charge!"


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## Pattidevans




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## Barrowman

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.

Needless to say, I’m ex-static.


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## Gwynn

These jokes are just terrible. I love them


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## EmmaL76

Q. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? 

A. Because it would be a foot! 

I’m so sorry


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## MikeyBikey

I said to my girlfriend "What makes me sexy?!" and she said she would let me know later. She came home drunk! 

I thought I would get my revenge when she said "Make me happy!" I ordered her  McDonald's Happy Meal. Problem is she seemed really happy!


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## Barrowman

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”


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## MikeyBikey

I was going to tell you an amputation joke but I'm stumped!


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## Barrowman

I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.

It’s a total rip-off.


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## EmmaL76

Barrowman said:


> I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
> 
> It’s a total rip-off.


I said the same thing… and I stuck to it


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## MikeyBikey

I am hoping for a new leg for Christmas. It would be a stocking filler!


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## Docb

On the subject of velcro.... I'm hooked on it.


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## C&E Guy

I got a curry delivered by a Smurf. That was a Balti out of the blue.

But a friend can’t eat curry for medical reasons. He’s basmatic.


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## Barrowman

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.


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## Bloden

Hahahahaha...I’m no longer fed up, but keep the jokes coming...hahahahaha.


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## Bloden

What dyou get if you crawl under a cow? A pat on the head.


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## MikeyBikey

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having an identity crisis​"Some days I feel like a teepee" he says.
"Then other days I feel like a wigwam. I dont know which one is true"

"One day, teepee! The next, wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam! Teepee! Wigwam!"

The psychiatrist yells, "Get a grip, man! You're too tense!"


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## Chris Hobson

Short story from the Not Always Right website.

_A customer checks out and buys three candies for a dollar. I start serving the next customer, but then he comes back holding his receipt._
*Customer:* “Excuse me, but why are two candy bars $0.33 and one $0.34?”
*Me:* “That’s how they ring up with the deal — three for a dollar.”
*Customer:* “But they should all be the same price.”
*Me:* “If they were all $0.33, then it would be $0.99 cents, not a dollar. It’s just how the system counts them when applying the deal.”
*Customer:* “No! They should all be the same price!”
*Me:* “What price should they be?”
*Customer:* “A third of a dollar!”
*Me:* “Which is what?”
*Customer:* “Well… it’s…”
_He starts doing the mental math as I finish checking out the next customer. The first customer slowly realizes that you can’t evenly split a dollar into even thirds using just pennies._
*Customer:* “Oh, my God! You should have just told me! I swear I’m not the dumbest person on the planet.”
_I’m about to reassure him before the next customer speaks up:_
*Next Customer:* “You’re not the dumbest person on the planet, but you’d sure better hope he doesn’t die.”
_I filed that under my list of things I can’t say to customers but wish I could…_


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## Lanny

Imagine singing this in your head! 

Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The rest escaped
With minor injuries!

Also, along a similar theme:-

Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8 9!


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## Gwynn

When I was young I told everyone that when I grew up I wanted to be a comedian. Everyone laughed at me.

I grew up. I became a comedian. Well no ones laughing now !

Got it wrong before...hence I actually became an engineer !! Corrected it now.


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## Barrowman

On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”

“Push" and "Pull.”


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## Bloden

Barrowman said:


> On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, “Remember these two words. They’ll open a lot of doors for you in life.”
> 
> “Push and pull.”


That’s three words!


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## Barrowman

I write songs about sewing machines.

I’m a Singer-songwriter.


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## MikeyBikey

How many ears does Spock have?

Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!


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## Gwynn

Here's a cartoon that got me laughing...


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## MikeyBikey

You will be seeing more depressed delivery drivers now. FedEx and Ups have merged to form FedUps!


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## Barrowman

Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they’re shellfish........


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## MikeyBikey

*I was talking to my diabetic friend the other day.*

He said, “this new high sugar diet I’m on is great! I lost 30 pounds already. Cost me an arm and a leg though…”


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## Barrowman

I love playing catch with my kids.

But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.


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## Contused

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the paracetamol.


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## rebrascora

Contused said:


> Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
> 
> Because the paracetamol.


I feel like we should also have a thumbs down emoji for the really bad jokes or an audible "Groan"! A crying "Oh No" just seems a bit over the top. 
Do keep them coming though....  I'm totally useless with jokes.... You could tell me the same one every day and I would forget the punch line


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## Barrowman

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu, you need tweet-ment. If you have swine fly, you need oink-ment......


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## freesia

Oh how i needed this laugh today . Keep posting them!


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## MikeyBikey

What does a diabetic fairy need? Tinselin!​


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## Barrowman

I love playing catch with my kids.

But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.


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## MikeyBikey

As patient transport was driving past the crematorium today the driver commented on the sweet smell in the air. I told him it was because they were burning a diabetic!


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## Chris Hobson

One from the archives, not a joke exactly but something that I found amusing.



			https://forum.diabetes.org.uk/boards/threads/free-piano.95784/


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## Contused

rebrascora said:


> I feel like
> 
> 
> rebrascora said:
> 
> 
> 
> I feel like we should also have a thumbs down emoji for the really bad jokes or an audible "Groan"!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Here are some Groans for you…
Click to expand...


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## Bloden

Contused said:


>


It looks like a bunch of Conservative back benchers LOL.


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## Barrowman

What do you call the security guards outside the Samsung factory?

The Guardians of the Galaxy.


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## Barrowman

What are goosebumps for?

To slow geese down.


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## Gwynn

A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?


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## Gwynn

The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family.


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## Gwynn

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.


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## nonethewiser

Biggest joke around at moment is Boris Johnston trying to wrestle back keys for No10.


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## Barrowman

My ex-wife drowned in coffee.

It was a terrible way to go, but I’m glad it was instant.


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## Barrowman

A is for Apple and B is for Banana, then what is C for?

Plastic explosives.


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## Bloden

nonethewiser said:


> Biggest joke around at moment is Boris Johnston trying to wrestle back keys for No10.


He really loves that expensive wallpaper (but can’t afford to pay for it himself).


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## Barrowman

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.

But when it does, no one is shocked.


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## Barrowman

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was a piece of cake.


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## Gwynn

Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything


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## Gwynn

Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.


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## Barrowman

A father in Iraq gave his daughter a new bag.

She said, “Thanks for the Baghdad.”


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## trophywench

D'you know (well you don't, you couldn't possibly) I've never opened this thread since Bloden's original post and since I couldn't think of any good ones at that moment, I haven't opened it since.  Some of em are blooming good uns aren't they!


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## Gwynn

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.​“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”


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## Barrowman

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I’m on a roll now.


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## Chris Hobson

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLpzPs_hkcTRS7k8HL8YKnlLHaLwIqk4CoDdjQvCQS19scpyW6h0ReNJMlz2UOj1QzDaOZMDxcPf9sB03RDCVvR1v36SfkYnpI8dAy_KYIpLXvYGM7v_xnxbx0FTW7aATVC__OruomJd5lICwpLQkEDWSdP9-_5m2iBuPxsJW-ijOyU4Pv7u78Cz__/s629/halloweencartoon.JPG


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## Chris Hobson

If you are old enough, this one will infect you with a really terrible earworm.



			https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1cfczHuOGlb1UeGkww5rAieV6R1zVB4CjuxyshiM9Cjyw0JRKoDrQ-xj0RroRTgh6cfoiNJltRByII1v_W-BgX_nzztCISaw2XZosDRJSX_nuzkRk0R_ktCku2HEp47LhfX30N8OQWWNC1y8O_vyWTpkPhjOp3EuyCMn7KYT7KqmCgFC2IpIas8lV/s499/halloweencartoon2.jpg


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## Barrowman

There’s been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.

There’s nothing left but de Brie.


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## EmmaL76

I bought the world worst thesaurus yesterday… not only is it terrible… it’s also terrible


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## trophywench

Gwynn said:


> Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.​“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”


Just read that out to my husband, who ran his own printing business for years, amongst other occupations - made him laugh out loud I'm pleased to say as I wondered if he'd heard it before, like I had, but I still laughed too, cos it's still funny.


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## EmmaL76

I asked my husband why he doesn’t treat me how he used to when we were first dating 

So he took me out for dinner, then to a movie, then he dropped me off at my parents house


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## EmmaL76

Yesterday someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me

I said “what the Hellmann?”


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## Barrowman

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me......


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## EmmaL76

Yesterday I saw a radio for sale, only £1 because the volume was stuck on full…

I said to myself … well I can’t turn that down


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## Barrowman

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…

Are they resisting a rest?


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## EmmaL76

How much does It cost santa to park his sleigh ? 

Nothing it’s on the house


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## Barrowman

My friend keeps saying, “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.


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## EmmaL76

I can’t remember how to write  1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals 

IM LIVID


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## Barrowman

If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.

It will be a sadder day.


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## EmmaL76

I once wrote a song about a tortilla … well actually it was more of a wrap


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## Barrowman

I got my husband a fridge for his birthday.

I can’t wait for his face to light up when he opens it.


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## Contused

I'm at the airport just now and there is a drunk man completely passed out on the baggage carousel in Arrivals.

Oh wait, he's slowly coming round now.


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## Barrowman

Did you know Ireland has the fastest-growing capital city in the world?

It’s Dublin every day.


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## Contused

My wife just accused me of not listening to her. I thought it a strange way to start a conversation.


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## Barrowman

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his food?

Because he was a little shellfish.


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## Contused

Doctor: "Your wife's in intensive care."
Man: "How is she?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical."
Man: "Ah, you get used to that…"


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## Barrowman

What’s the difference between America and a memory stick?

One’s USA and the other’s USB.


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## Contused

I’m writing a book about hurricanes, typhoons and tornadoes.

It's not finished yet, so at the moment it’s just a draft.


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## Barrowman

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

Because they’re always stuffed.


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## Contused

A bloke came up to me in the pub last night and shouted, "NGAB" in my face!

I replied, "Oi! That's bang out of order!"


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## Barrowman

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?

The old Volks home.


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## Bloden

These jokes are BRILLIANT! Keep 'em coming...


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## EmmaL76

I’ve run out of toilet paper so I’ve been using old newspapers… 

The Times are rough


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## Barrowman

What do you call bees that produce milk?

Boo-bees.


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## Contused

One of my neighbours told me his son was trying to find a job and asked me if I knew of anything going.

I told him to contact 'Search and Rescue' because they're always looking for people.


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## Barrowman

Why do French people eat snails? 

They don't like fast food!


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## Barrowman

I have a fear of speed bumps. 

But I am slowly getting over it.


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## Barrowman

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?

Nothing - but it let out a little whine


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## Contused

I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day.

Roll on Monday!


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## MikeyBikey

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip off.


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## rebrascora

MikeyBikey said:


> What do you call a bad amputation?
> 
> A rip off.


I love that you can joke about amputation Mikey, but blooming heck, it's hard to find an appropriate response!
Got to ask... Do they issue you with a amputation joke book when you leave hospital or are you inventing these yourself?


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## MikeyBikey

rebrascora said:


> I love that you can joke about amputation Mikey, but blooming heck, it's hard to find an appropriate response!
> Got to ask... Do they issue you with a amputation joke book when you leave hospital or are you inventing these yourself?



I am trying to think of another amputee joke but I am stumped!


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## Barrowman

My wife treats me like a god. 

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.


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## MikeyBikey

_*How do you measure different levels of pain?*_​*In hertz*


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## Contused

FOR SALE:

Sooty and Sweep glove puppets.

Any offer accepted, I just want them off my hands.


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## Barrowman

Some people think prison is one word…

But to robbers, it's the whole sentence.


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## MikeyBikey

I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital, but they kept finding me in the ICU.


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## Barrowman

My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from 
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she possibly say that?


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## Chris Hobson

I just found this on the Not Always Right website.

_A woman walks up to my counter with her young son in tow._
*Customer:* “So, all I gotta do is leave him here and he gets the puppy? When do I come back? How does it all work?”
*Me:* _*After a pause*_ “I’m sorry, ma’am, but what are you referring to?”
*Customer:* “Your sign! About the free puppies!”
_She points to one of our “joke” signs above the counter. As far as I know, this is a pretty common sign in smaller independent stores._
*Sign:* “Unattended children will be given a double espresso and a free puppy.”
*Me:* “Oh, I see. That is just a humorous sign, ma’am. It’s basically saying not to leave your child unattended.”
*Customer:* “But it says I have to if I want him to get the free puppy.”
*Me:* “We’re not giving out free puppies, ma’am. It’s just a joke.”
*Customer:* _*Staring at me, nothing going on behind the eyes*_ “So, like, you’re out of stock… or…?”
*Me:* “No, ma’am. There are no puppies! There never were. It’s just a joke sign asking customers to not leave their children alone in the store.”
*Customer:* “…I don’t get it.”
_I call the owner over to explain, and after a few minutes, the woman and her son leave. The owner comes up to me._
*Owner:* “Let’s take that sign down. Every time I think something is idiot-proof, the universe makes a better idiot.”
_As I am taking the sign down, I see the woman is back._
*Customer:* “I forgot the double espresso."


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## Barrowman

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. 

At least that's what she wrote in her diary.


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## Contused

I used to like taking all the chocolates from the office Celebrations tub, unwrapping them, and putting them back in random wrappers.

I had to stop after the management got their Snickers in a Twix.


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## Barrowman

What should you do if you're attacked by a group of clowns? 

Go straight for the juggler.


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## MikeyBikey

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.​Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much!


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## Contused

My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.


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## Contused

I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing shin pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a cricket bat and a hockey stick.

I shouted, “Oi! What’s your game?”


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## Chris Hobson

At the age of sixty-four, now the phrase "Doing an all nighter" means sleeping right through without having to get up for a wee.


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## Contused

Not saying my local pub is rough but the first prize in last night's pub quiz was an alibi.

It was a very heavy night afterwards too. I was rudely awakened by my neighbour cutting his grass this morning but thought, 'Sod it! He can mow around me.'


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## Contused

My wife and my in-laws fell out on holiday, but the rest of the balloon ride was very peaceful.


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## MikeyBikey

I had two opposite options at my outpatient appointment. It was a pair o' docs!  ​


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## Martin62




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## Gwynn

*A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.*


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## MikeyBikey

How do I get downstairs in a wheelchair? 

FAST!!!


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## Gwynn

*I’m reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen… I can feel it.*


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## Contused

As soon as I said 'What on Earth are you staring at?', I realised that I wasn't going to make it as an Optician.


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## Barrowman

Want to hear a roof joke? 

The first one's on the house......


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## MikeyBikey

I rang PALS today! They're a joke! (angry emoji)


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## Gwynn

Becoming a vegetarian is a missed steak.


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## Barrowman

My favourite word is "drool." 

It just rolls off the tongue.


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## Gwynn

*eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.*


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## Lanny

With Tears of Laughter Streaming Down My Face emoji! I’ve had a right ole giggle after weeks of being hit hard with a double whammy of flu & civid booster jabs!     Thanks a lot you lovely lot!


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## Gwynn

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.


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## Gwynn

An atom walks into a bar and says 'I think I've lost an electron.

The bar tender asks 'are you sure?'

'Oh yes', the atom replies 'I'm positive'


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## Contused

A proper Yorkshire joke…

Daley Thompson, Tessa Sanderson and Steve Cram are all round at Seb Coe's house for tea. Steve brought the fish. Tessa brought the chips. Daley brought the mushy peas. Seb provided the salt and vinegar.

Then there's a knock at the door so Seb gets up to answer.

"Who is it?" asks everyone in unison.

"It's Fatima wi t'bread."


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## Barrowman

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. 

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.


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## MikeyBikey

How do you determine when a software engineer has an extrovert personality

He looks at *your* shoes when he's talking to you


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## Contused

I was gutted when my wife told me the 5-year-old wasn't really mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention when collecting the kids from school.


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## nonethewiser

Martian walks into a pub then asks for pint of beer, manager says sorry we don't serve Martians, so Martian says if he serves him he will buy everyone in pub drinks all night, so manager agrees.

End of night Martian is steaming drunk, manager shouts to him Hey Martian your bar bill is £850, Martian turns round & says OK have you got change for a Zonk.


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## pace

Hi , I don't know any clean jokes , very sorry !


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## Gwynn

*Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay. He woke up.*


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## Barrowman

My dad's answer to everything is alcohol. 

He doesn't drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles.


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## MikeyBikey

What do turkeys give thanks for at Christmas? 

Vegetarians!


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## Barrowman

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? 

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


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## Gwynn

*I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.*


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## Contused

The Barman said to me, "Why are you looking so sad?"

I said, "The wife and I had a massive row and she said that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."

He said, "What`s wrong with that?"

I replied, "The month's up tomorrow."


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## Barrowman

What did Blackbeard the pirate say when he turned eighty?

 "Aye, matey."


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## Bloden

Barrowman said:


> What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
> 
> One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.


hahahahahahhahahahahahahhahhahahahahaha...breathe...hahahhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.


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## Barrowman

Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelette? 

It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent.


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## MikeyBikey

If you get sucked into a black hole you will be spaghettified. Your obituary will sayy you "pasta way"! 

Nusr brought Brian Cox's new book *Black Holes"


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## Barrowman

What do you call a dog with no legs? 

You can call him whatever you want, but he's still not going to come.


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## Gwynn

*I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger. Then it hit me.*


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## Barrowman

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: 

"Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?"


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## Amity Island

Did you ever hear about the chap who got a peanut stuck in his ear? Surgeon tried allsorts to get it out, eventually, he tried a stick dipped in chocolate.....came out a treat! ha ha ha ha


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## Amity Island

Amity Island said:


> Did you ever hear about the chap who got a peanut stuck in his ear? Surgeon tried allsorts to get it out, eventually, he tried a stick dipped in chocolate.....came out a treat! ha ha ha ha


@rebrascora  one has to have lived through a particular decade to be able to appreciate that one! ha ha


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## Barrowman

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange." 

So I replied, "No it doesn't."


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## Amity Island

Barrowman said:


> A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
> 
> So I replied, "No it doesn't."


Same guy told me, "Something rhymes with orange"

So I replied, "No it doesn't"

ha ha


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## Barrowman

Amity Island said:


> Same guy told me, "Something rhymes with orange"
> 
> So I replied, "No it doesn't"
> 
> ha ha


Funny that same guy asked me does anything rhyme with orange?

So again I replied, "No it doesn't"


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## Amity Island

Barrowman said:


> Funny that same guy asked me does anything rhyme with orange?
> 
> So again I replied, "No it doesn't"


Well, this guy doesn't give up easily does he, I did try to put the guy right, I told him nothing rhymes with orange.

He was Adamant, it does. So I said, don't you ever, don't you ever, stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome.


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## Bloden

Amity Island said:


> @rebrascora  one has to have lived through a particular decade to be able to appreciate that one! ha ha


Chocolate treats, dipped in ear wax - those were the days!


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## Contused

Isn't it weird how some of the best F1 drivers share their names with places in Scotland…

STIRLING Moss
Eddie IRVINE
Lewis HAMILTON
AYR TOWN CENTRE


----------



## Gwynn

Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.


----------



## MikeyBikey

Barrowman said:


> A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."
> 
> So I replied, "No it doesn't."



Sporange rhymes with orange as does hinge and singe. You now have to write a rhyme ro use them! (rolling about laughing emoji).


----------



## Gwynn

And tinge, binge, whinge, fringe, but the syllable 'timing' is poor

And its not an exact rhyme too


----------



## Gwynn

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot. Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.


----------



## Chris Hobson

Ok, not a joke exactly but something that made me laugh. Charles Babbage was a very clever man who built a mechanical calculating machine that is considered by some to be one of the first ever computers. Someone asked him if he input the wrong numbers would the machine still give the correct answer? His reply was quite memorable and could probably be applied to many other situations.

"I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."


----------



## Gwynn

My math teacher called me average. How mean!


----------



## Barrowman

Did you hear the rumour about butter? 

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it about.


----------



## Gwynn

*Today, my son asked, “can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.*


----------



## Contused

I'm reading a horror book written in Braille and something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.


----------



## Gwynn

*I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.*


----------



## Gwynn

*No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.*


----------



## Gwynn

"I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?"


----------



## Barrowman

I'm not a big fan of stairs.
They're always up to something.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? 
A stick.


----------



## Contused

Another wooden ball!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?


----------



## Barrowman

What to hear a joke about paper? 

Never mind, it's tearable.......


----------



## MikeyBikey

Someone pushes my wheelchair tto the library today. I asked the assistant iif they had any books on Paralympians? 

She said "Yes, up the stairs and on the top shelf to the left!"


----------



## Barrowman

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. 

Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.


----------



## Gwynn

“I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.”


----------



## Barrowman

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. 

Love means nothing to them...............


----------



## Contused

I used to hand Lego bricks to my blind friend and ask 'What does this say?'


----------



## Gwynn

“A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, ‘Yes, of course. – That’s 20 cows'”


----------



## Gwynn

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.


----------



## Barrowman

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.  
One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side!" 
The other guy replies, "You're _on_ the other side already!"


----------



## Gwynn

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.


----------



## Gwynn

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.


----------



## Barrowman

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. 

They always take things _so_ literally.......


----------



## Bloden

MikeyBikey said:


> Someone pushes my wheelchair tto the library today. I asked the assistant iif they had any books on Paralympians?
> 
> She said "Yes, up the stairs and on the top shelf to the left!"


I hope that’s a joke and not where they really keep them!


----------



## Barrowman

A friend of mine went bald years ago but still carries around an old comb. 

He just can't part with it.


----------



## Gwynn

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.


----------



## Barrowman

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? 

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.


----------



## Gwynn

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.


----------



## Contused

I met a transvestite from Manchester today.

He said he had a Wigan address.


----------



## Barrowman

What did the left eye say to the right eye? 

Between you and me, something smells.


----------



## Barrowman

Exaggerations have become an epidemic. 

They went up by a _million per cent_ last year.


----------



## Contused

Due to a spelling error on my letter to Santa, I spent an awkward Christmas Day in 1966 with an man from Acton.


----------



## Contused

I don't judge people by the colour of their skin.

Which is why so many of my patients die of jaundice.


----------



## Barrowman

I want to die peacefully in my sleep as my grandfather did. 

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.


----------



## Gwynn

Red sky at night, shepherd’s  delight. Blue sky at night, day.


----------



## Gwynn

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up. That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.


----------



## Gwynn

The CEO of IKEA was elected Prime Minister in Sweden. He should have his cabinet together by the end of the weekend.


----------



## Gwynn

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months


----------



## Gwynn

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."


----------



## Barrowman

A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. 

The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" 

The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is


----------



## Contused

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.


----------



## Contused

I went swimming earlier, and decided to take a sneaky pee at the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in!


----------



## Gwynn

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## Gwynn

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.


----------



## Gwynn

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead


----------



## Gwynn

15+15 is thirty but 16+16 is thirty too.


----------



## Contused

My ‘To Do’ list for December…
1. Buy 4 pigs.
2. Paint 1, 2, 3, & 5 on their backs.
3. Let them loose in Sainsbury's.
4. Sit back and watch security desperately search for number 4.


----------



## Barrowman

Two cows are grazing in a field. One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?" 

The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"


----------



## Barrowman

Two wind turbines are standing on a wind farm. 

One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?" 

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."


----------



## Gwynn

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people. Pun in, 10 dead.


----------



## Gwynn

Stephen King has a son named Joe. I'm not joking, but he is.


----------



## Gwynn

I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.


----------



## mikeyB

Barrowman said:


> Two wind turbines are standing on a wind farm.
> 
> One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?"
> 
> The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."


That joke wouldn't work as the blades of a wind farm are made from fibreglass.


----------



## mikeyB

Barrowman said:


> Two wind turbines are standing on a wind farm.
> 
> One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?"
> 
> The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."


That joke wouldn't work as the blades of a wind farm are made from fibreglass.


----------



## Contused

I just phoned the Tinnitus Helpline.

Absolutely pointless. No one answered.

It just kept Ringing!


----------



## Amity Island

mikeyB said:


> That joke wouldn't work as the blades of a wind farm are made from fibreglass.


How about.

Two scrap yard workers are standing in a scrap yard.

One asks, "What's your favourite kind of music?"

The other says. "I'm a big metal fan"


----------



## Barrowman

My friend thinks he’s smart. 
He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, 
So I threw a coconut at his face.


----------



## travellor

Gwynn said:


> I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.



That's actually me.


----------



## Gwynn

Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.


----------



## Gwynn

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.


----------



## Gwynn

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it.


----------



## Gwynn

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.


----------



## Barrowman

I’ve found a job helping a one-armed typist do capital letters.

It’s shift work..............


----------



## MikeyBikey

I recently found a photo from my old heavyweight boxing days. If you turn it through 90 degrees I look like I am standing up!


----------



## Edward DUK

My friend always complains that her boyfriend only owns one set of clothes. I don't know what she expects, she should know he's never gonna change...


----------



## Contused

Some Arab states are getting American cartoons.

People in Dubai don't get the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.


----------



## Contused

Q: Where did Noah keep his bees?

A: In the Ark hives.


----------



## Gwynn

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.


----------



## Gwynn

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak


----------



## Gwynn

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over


----------



## Gwynn

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case


----------



## Barrowman

When was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? 

When they had lots of sleepless knights.


----------



## MikeyBikey

I saw Elvis in B&Q this evening. 

Return a sander!


----------



## Barrowman

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.

The bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”

The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.


----------



## Gwynn

What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays


----------



## Gwynn

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest


----------



## Gwynn

*He who laughs last thinks slowest*


----------



## rebrascora

Gwynn said:


> *He who laughs last thinks slowest*


This is me with some of these jokes!.... I'm a bit slow sometimes


----------



## Barrowman

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little antybodies.


----------



## Gwynn

@Barrowman your jokes are the worst!!! They make me laugh tho


----------



## Contused

Next week is Diarrhoea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.


----------



## Contused

My mate’s been arrested for illegally downloading the entire Encyclopaedia Britannica.

He says he’s not worried. He can explain everything.


----------



## Contused

Just spent £300 on a Limo and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.

I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.


----------



## Gwynn

What do you call a dog magician? A labrabacadadbrador!


----------



## Gwynn

My dog’s favorite tea is Earl Greyhound.


----------



## Gwynn

What's a pup's favorite action flick? Jurassic Bark!


----------



## Gwynn

I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion....
Apparently, “Really big ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer...


----------



## Barrowman

Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons? 

Because they didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train........


----------



## Gwynn

I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.


----------



## Gwynn

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.


----------



## Gwynn

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around


----------



## Gwynn

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.


----------



## Contused

Man smuggling chocolate bar under hat has bounty on his head.


----------



## Contused

Police knocked on my door and asked, "Where were you between 4 and 6?"

I said infant school.


----------



## Contused

My local golf shop is selling all stock to stay in business.

The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.


----------



## Contused

I paid £100 up front for a chippy to build me a double bed.

He's only gone and done a bunk! It's just one thing on top of another.


----------



## Barrowman

Local man killed by falling piano. 

It will be a very low-key funeral.


----------



## Gwynn

A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame


----------



## Gwynn

*Why do seagulls fly over the sea?*

If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels


----------



## Gwynn

*If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do elves get?*

Mistle-toes.


----------



## Gwynn

*Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?*

Because then it would be a foot


----------



## Barrowman

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. 

For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.


----------



## Gwynn

*What do you call a factory that sells good products?*

A satis-factory.


----------



## Gwynn

*What has four wheels and flies?*

A garbage truck.


----------



## Gwynn

*What’s the best way to burn 1,000 calories?*

Leave the pizza in the oven.


----------



## Gwynn

*What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?*

A receding hare line.


----------



## Contused

The man who created hard boiled eggs wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP Scott Chegg.


----------



## Contused

Polce toay have sa they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts..


----------



## Contused

My mate's Mrs. left him last Thursday. She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said, "Not bad. I've been using that powdered stuff."


----------



## Barrowman

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. 

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.


----------



## Gwynn

*What kind of tea is hard to swallow?*

Reality.


----------



## Gwynn

*What do you call a sleeping bull?*

A bulldozer.


----------



## Gwynn

*What did the elevator say when it sneezed?*

I think I’m coming down with something.


----------



## Contused

It's my wife's birthday soon and she has been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house, so I've bought her a magazine rack.


----------



## Contused

I ended up in A & E last night after a bad accident in Tesco. A full display wall of Andrex toilet rolls collapsed on top of me and crushed me.

I'm going to be OK. The doctor said it's just soft tissue damage.


----------



## Gwynn

"One time, a guy handed me a picture. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." I thought, duuuh, every picture of you is when you were younger."


----------



## Gwynn

A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, "Five beers, please."


----------



## Gwynn

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.


----------



## Gwynn

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "no, I'm traveling light".


----------



## Gwynn

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code


----------



## Gwynn

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.


----------



## Gwynn

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.


----------



## Gwynn

Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch cold.


----------



## Barrowman

Had a bad mix-up at the till shopping today,
when the cashier said "Strip down facing me"
apparently, she was referring to my debit card.


----------



## Contused

It's a sad day today. The clothes horse that's been in our family for generations has broken.

It's the end of an airer.


----------



## Contused

There is a massive traffic jam on the M5. Nothing is moving. All a driver can do is relax and turn on the radio. Suddenly a man approaches and knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have stormed parliament, captured all our MPs and are demanding a 10 million pound ransom otherwise they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire." The man continues, "We are going from car to car taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?"

The man replies, "About a gallon or so."


----------



## Contused

The wife said, "If you're bored why don’t you make a bird table?"

Now she’s kicking off because I put her in fifth place.


----------



## Barrowman

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. 

So I had to put my foot down.


----------



## Gwynn

Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Ted: Brace yourself.


----------



## Gwynn

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. "Has your address changed?" she asked. "No," I answered. "Your phone number?" "No." "What about your birthday?"


----------



## Gwynn

In 1905, Albert Einstein published a theory about space. And it was about time.


----------



## Gwynn

Q. What did the astronomer's friends do after he didn't win the Nobel Prize? A. They gave him a constellation prize.


----------



## Barrowman

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? 

They’re making headlines.


----------



## Contused

I had a spanner disappear from my car. Then the next day a hammer and some chisels went missing. I went to the police station. "Someone is stealing my stuff!"

"No sir, your car is a two litre."


----------



## Contused

Members of the British Armed Forces are asked what they would do if they found a scorpion in their tent.

The Soldier said he would stamp on it with his boot.

The Royal Marine said he'd skewer it with his bayonet.

The Airman said, "Why is there a tent in my hotel room?"


----------



## Barrowman

I was so poor growing up that if I wasn’t a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.....


----------



## Gwynn

How often do you like jokes about elements? A: Periodically


----------



## Gwynn

Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.


----------



## Gwynn

Don't use "beef stew" as a computer password. It's not stroganoff.


----------



## Gwynn

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? A. "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."


----------



## Gwynn

Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? A. To get to the other slide.


----------



## Gwynn

Have you heard of that new band "1023 Megabytes"? They're pretty good, but they don't have a gig just yet.


----------



## Gwynn

We'll we'll we'll...if it isn't autocorrect.


----------



## Gwynn

Autocorrect has become my worst enema.


----------



## Gwynn

The guy who invented predictive text died last night. His funfair is next monkey.


----------



## Barrowman

A senior citizen was chatting with his 80-year-old buddy.
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good-looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Nah, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse." 
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!”


----------



## Contused

The Norwegian Navy now puts barcodes on the sides of their ships so that, when they get back to port, the harbourmaster can Scandinavian.


----------



## Contused

I went to a pet shop for a dozen bees but the shopkeeper gave me 13. I mentioned it to him and he said the last one was a freebie.


----------



## Contused

How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a BULTHGLIB?


----------



## Contused

It's illegal to walk sheepdogs on 30th August this year because it's a ban collie day.


----------



## Contused

I’ve just got back from the hospital. They reckon I might have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, but it's hard to say.


----------



## Gwynn

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.


----------



## Gwynn

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”


----------



## Gwynn

A whale swims all day, only consumes fish and water, and is fat. A rabbit only eats vegetables, runs and hops all day long, and only lives 5 years. Meanwhile a tortoise doesn't run and does nothing energetic, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to eat well and exercise! I don't think so.


----------



## Gwynn

What’s your favorite exercise? A: Chewing.


----------



## Gwynn

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly? A: The collie wobbles!


----------



## Gwynn

How do you stay warm in an empty room?

A: Go stand in the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.


----------



## Gwynn

Old mathematicians never die.

They just disintegrate


----------



## Barrowman

Micheal, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor for a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days afterwards, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 
"You're really doing great, aren't you?
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc - 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur - be careful.’"


----------



## Barrowman

You know you're getting older when everything you see at a vintage flea market is something 
you already own.......


----------



## Contused

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him. He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.


----------



## Contused

My neighbour told me he was too scared to plant an apple tree.

I told him to grow a pear.


----------



## Contused

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman Numerals.

IM LIVID


----------



## Gwynn

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.


----------



## Gwynn

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?

A: A Carpet


----------



## Gwynn

On a Facebook page for beginning artists, one asked, “Any suggestions for painting dogs?” Another responded,  “Wait till they’re asleep.”


----------



## Gwynn

A rancher was persuaded to cross-breed his cattle with hyenas. It was a disaster. The offspring were the laughing stock of the community!


----------



## Gwynn

*“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”*


----------



## Barrowman

How can you speed up the heart rate of your 60+-year-old husband?

Tell him you're pregnant.


----------



## Contused

My mate dislocated his shoulder when he tripped and fell into a vat of invisible ink.

He’s in the hospital right now waiting to be seen.


----------



## Contused

I've worked at the Swizzels factory for 20 years now, but lately I've been having trouble remembering how to make those fizzy lemon chew bars.

They're sending me on a Refresher course.


----------



## Contused

H.G.Wells walked into a library and asked for a book on Time Travel.

"Get lost," said the librarian. "You didn't bring it back!"


----------



## Barrowman

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year-olds when they browse an antique store?

A: I remember these.


----------



## Gwynn

*“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?”*


----------



## Gwynn

*“My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.”*


----------



## Gwynn

*I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.*


----------



## Gwynn

*I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”*


----------



## Gwynn

*This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.*


----------



## Barrowman

Q: What can a husband do when his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If he's handy with tools, he can finish the basement. 
Then when he's finished, he'll have a place to live.


----------



## Contused

People call me self-centered…

But that’s enough about them.


----------



## Contused

When I was at school my teacher said to me why don’t you tell the class something you’re not very good at that starts with letter N.

I said spelling!


----------



## Contused

Yorkshire Police have had all their Sat Navs stolen.

All Officers are looking for Leeds.


----------



## Contused

Give a person a fish and you will feed them for a day.

Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe even years.


----------



## Gwynn

*My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”.*


----------



## Gwynn

*“My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”*


----------



## Gwynn

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going there.


----------



## Gwynn

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?


----------



## Gwynn

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday. Never again.


----------



## Gwynn

*“Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”*


----------



## Gwynn

There’s no “I” in Denial.


----------



## Barrowman

Q: Do people sleep more soundly as they get older?

A: Yes, but it's usually in the afternoon.


----------



## Contused

I joined our neighbourhood watch programme last night.

There are 30 of us in my street though, so I only get to wear it one day a month.


----------



## Contused

Are Geordies confused because 'Aldi' isn't open 24 hours a day?


----------



## Contused

Police have just announced that the man stealing T-shirts in order of size is still at large.


----------



## Contused

In the library yesterday…

Member: "Do you have the new book on the latest research on constipation?"
Librarian: "It hasn't come out yet."
Member: "Yeah, that's the one!"


----------



## Contused

Just wondering, does anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?


----------



## Barrowman

Where should old people look for glasses?

 On their forehead.


----------



## rebrascora

Barrowman said:


> Where should old people look for glasses?
> 
> On their forehead.


Oh Gosh! That means I qualify as being old!  Thanks!


----------



## Barrowman

rebrascora said:


> Oh Gosh! That means I qualify as being old!  Thanks!


My sincere apologies.....

What do expired cake mix and seniors have in common? 

They both have a hard time rising!


----------



## Barrowman

My wife asked me last night how many women I had slept with.

I replied proudly saying "Only you darling, with all the others I was awake".

_(Visiting times are 10 am to 7 pm)_


----------



## Gwynn

*I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there*


----------



## Gwynn

Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.


----------



## Gwynn

Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else.


----------



## Gwynn

If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?


----------



## Gwynn

I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.


----------



## Gwynn

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!


----------



## Gwynn

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10 tickles.


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


----------



## Gwynn

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.


----------



## Gwynn

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.” Their words — not mine…


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.


----------



## Contused

Two men walk into a bar. The first guy says he wants some H2O.

The second guy says he wants some H2O too.

The second guy died.


----------



## Contused

I used to date an air hostess from Helsinki.

I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair.


----------



## Contused

A lorry carrying a consignment of bread making ingredients shed its load on the M4 this morning.

The police are advising motorists to avoid the yeast bound carriageway.


----------



## Contused

I had my leg X-rayed today.

The Doctor said, "Your Patella measures 2.54cm."

I said, "Inch high knees?"

The Doctor replied, "哦哎也屋2.54惡誒."


----------



## Contused

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, 'That's a strange way to start a conversation.'


----------



## Barrowman

Fred found himself in a long line at the post office and moved to stand in the shorter line.

He turned around to see an elderly woman just standing in between the two lines and not moving to get in either one. He watched as she pulled out her mobile phone and began reading the news.

He was confused why she was just standing there reading between the lines.


----------



## Contused

I recently bought a vinyl album called 'Wasp Noises', but when I played the first track it didn't sound like a wasp and the second track didn't sound like a wasp either.

Then I realised I was playing the B-side


----------



## Contused

I went for a job on the building site. The gaffer asked, “Can you make tea?”

I replied, “Yes.”

He asked, “Can you drive a forklift?”

I said, “Crikey! How big's the flaming tea pot!”


----------



## Contused

"Would you like the ox tongue Madam?"

"No thank you waiter. I can't abide the thought of eating anything that's been in an animal's mouth. I'll just have an omelette."


----------



## Contused

I was down my local some time back and I ordered 5 pints, each with a whisky chaser. I started drinking them one after another when the Barman said, "Blimey, you`re knocking them back quickly tonight."

I replied, "You would too if you got what I have."

With a look of concern on his face he then asked, "What have you got?"

I replied, "50p."


----------



## Gwynn

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."​


----------



## Gwynn

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh s---, I forgot to feed the dog!"​


----------



## Gwynn

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"​


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.​


----------



## Gwynn

*Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors.”*​


----------



## Gwynn

The Higgs Boson walks into a church.​The priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”​The Higgs Boson says “but without me how can you have mass?”​


----------



## Gwynn

Genius at work...???


----------



## Barrowman

I decided I wasn't going to let getting older slow me down. 

But unfortunately, my body had other plans.


----------



## Contused

I’m looking for a book on how to repair automatic gearboxes.

I’ve tried the local library but they only have manuals.


----------



## Contused

I met my wife at a singles club, which was a bit of a surprise.

She had told me she was going to her mother's.


----------



## Contused

A man staggers into A&E with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cowfield. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at it's rear-end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's rear-end. That's when I made my big mistake. I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that!"


----------



## Barrowman

They say kids have selective hearing, but seniors do too .

We just turn our hearing aids off.


----------



## Barrowman

Getting old is no joke. 

I'm on a very rigid nap schedule....


----------



## Contused

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.


----------



## Contused

I invented a new word today.

Plagiarism.


----------



## Contused

With apologies to Brummies…

I once went to a fancy dress party in Birmingham where the theme was 'spice'.

I went as a chilli pepper, but everyone else went as astronauts.


----------



## Contused

Does anyone want any spare haemorrhoid cream?

I’ve got piles.


----------



## Contused

Went for a job at Citroen.

Had to send in 2CVs.


----------



## Gwynn

*Why should you never talk to pi?*​Because he’ll just go on forever.


----------



## Gwynn

*A farmer counted 196 cows in the field.*​But when he rounded them up, he had 200.


----------



## Gwynn

*What do you call a number that can’t keep still?*​A roamin’ numeral.


----------



## Gwynn

*How do mathematicians scold their children?*​“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”


----------



## Gwynn

*Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?*​To get to the same side.


----------



## Gwynn

*Parallel lines have so much in common.*​It’s too bad they’ll never meet


----------



## Gwynn

Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows


----------



## Gwynn

When you hit your thumb with a hammer, why do you hop around on one leg?


----------



## Chris Hobson

On the subject of the Brummie accent, at work I had a girl on the phone who was giving me her company address. She had to spell out some of the more difficult parts and one of the letters was I. As in I for apple. She actually came out with that without prompting which suggests that every time she says A people hear I.

I'm from a village near Hull and the hull accent has some strange vowel sounds too, particularly O which is pronounced er.
EG, phone calls is pronounced fern curls.


----------



## Contused

The rain was pouring down. Standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub and looking very down and out, was an old chap holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing," replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old boy, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a comedian, can't resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth," says the old man.


----------



## Contused

I said, "Do you like my shirt? It's covered in cactuses."

He said, "Cacti."

I said, "Never mind the tie. What do you think of the shirt?"


----------



## Contused

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.


----------



## Contused

Women don't want a man's opinion. They just want to hear their own opinion repeated back to them in a deeper voice.


----------



## Barrowman

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a beer.”


----------



## Gwynn

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!


----------



## Gwynn

What do you call Santa when he stops moving? Santa Pause


----------



## Gwynn

What’s the absolute best Christmas present? A broken drum — you can’t beat it!


----------



## Gwynn

What happens if you eat Christmas decorations? You get tinsel-it is.


----------



## Gwynn

What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.


----------



## Gwynn

What did the English teacher call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.


----------



## Gwynn

Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it soots him!


----------



## Gwynn

Who’s Santa’s favorite singer? Elfish Presley.


----------



## Gwynn

What’s as big as a Christmas tree but is lighter than a feather? Its shadow.


----------



## Contused

They told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase!


----------



## Contused

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


----------



## Contused

I asked my wife to pass me a newspaper.

"Why don't you use my iPad?" she said.

The spider never knew what hit it!


----------



## Contused

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time, and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "Would you like to hear my opinion of your work?"

"Yes," the artist replies.

"It's worthless," the critic says.

"I know," the artist replies, "but let's hear it anyway."


----------



## Contused

Those people who say they like the element of surprise are really not familiar with the periodic table.


----------



## Barrowman

And now for a festive one.....

So this woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time on Christmas Eve 
and asks, "Do you have any Turkeys?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only Turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. 
It weighs 1.5 kg.

The woman looks at the Turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit 
bigger than this one, please?"

The butcher puts the Turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time 
when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now 
show 2 kg.

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"


----------



## Contused

I heard people accuse me of eavesdropping yesterday but they didn't have the guts to say it to my face.


----------



## Contused

I went for an interview for a job as a blacksmith and was asked if I had any experience shoeing horses. I said no, but that I did once tell a donkey to get lost!


----------



## Contused

Got mugged by 6 dwarves last night.

Not happy.


----------



## Contused

A German walks into a bar and asks for a Martini.

The barman asks, "Dry?"

The German replies, "No, just the one."


----------



## Contused

A Roman Centurion walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.

The barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The Centurion says, "If I'd wanted a double I'd have asked for one."


----------



## Barrowman

Boy: “Wow, so many scars. You must have had an adventurous life!”

Old man: “No, I just have a cat.”


----------



## Barrowman

Hey, chaps.

If your palm itches you’re going to get something. 

If your crotch itches, you’ve already got it. .....

ok, I give up.....someone hit the like button.......


----------



## Gwynn

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice !


----------



## Gwynn

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised


----------



## Gwynn

You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example !


----------



## Gwynn

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist!


----------



## Gwynn

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2 AM. Unbelievable, 2 AM!​Luckily I was still up practicing with my band.


----------



## Gwynn

Teacher: “children, what’s your biggest fear?”​Tom (5): “snakes!”

Emily (6): “lions!”

Stanley (5): “the unbelievable senselessness of life, and that we will all die a terrible death in our nightmares!”

Lilly (6): “Stanley!”


----------



## Gwynn

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.


----------



## Gwynn

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with a slow Internet connection to see who they really are.


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.


----------



## Gwynn

Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the racing snail that got rid of his shell? He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.


----------



## Gwynn

“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”


----------



## Gwynn

Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.


----------



## Gwynn

An amnesiac walks into a bar.​He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”


----------



## Gwynn

A panda walks into a bar.​He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”


----------



## Gwynn

ƒ(x) walks into a bar.​The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”


----------



## Contused

My children obviously inherited their good looks, charm and intelligence from their mother because I still have mine.


----------



## Contused

I've written a poem…

I dig, you dig, he/she digs:
We dig, you dig, they dig.

OK, so it's not the best poem ever but it is quite deep.


----------



## Contused

Doctor: “Well Mrs. Smith, it looks like you're pregnant.”

Mrs. Smith: “Good Heavens, that's wonderful! I'm pregnant!”

Doctor: “I only said that it looks like it. Here's a diet plan.”


----------



## Contused

My bank has launched a debit card for absent fathers.

It's contactless.


----------



## Contused

A Geordie just told me he was good at flirting, but when I threw him in the lake he sank!


----------



## Contused

My Neighbour has just re-laid his drive using a load of old Mills and Boon paperbacks!

A novel approach I thought.


----------



## Contused

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a web site?


----------



## Contused

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


----------



## Contused

999 Emergency: "Hello caller, which service?"

Caller: "Police… two women are fighting over me."

999 Emergency: "Er… why is that a problem?"

Caller: "Because the ugly one is winning!"


----------



## Barrowman

Bad news: I wasted four years responding to personal ads without ever getting a callback. 

Good news: I finally know what “obituary” means.


----------



## Contused

My poor knowledge of Greek Mythology has always been my Achilles kneecap.


----------



## Contused

So what if I can't spell Armeggedon. It's not like it's the end of the world!


----------



## Contused

My mum & dad were dwarves. All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.


----------



## Contused

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


----------



## Contused

To the French chap who translated 'Beaucoup' for me earlier, thanks.

It meant a lot.


----------



## Barrowman

Two old guys from a senior centre were sipping lemonade on the porch.

One asks the other, “Ralph, I’m 92 years old and even my aches have pains. You must be close to my age. How are you feeling?”

Ralph says, “Like a brand new baby.”

“No kidding! Like a brand new baby?”

“Yep. No teeth, no hair, and wet diapers.”


----------



## Gwynn

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”


----------



## Gwynn

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.


----------



## Gwynn

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”


----------



## Gwynn

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”

“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”


----------



## Gwynn

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”


----------



## Gwynn

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”


----------



## Gwynn

A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, “Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…”


----------



## Gwynn

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”


----------



## Gwynn

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”


----------



## Gwynn

On a visit to my doctor, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he had installed taped music in the waiting room. As I sat there enjoying a piano recording, I overheard an elderly lady say to her companion, “Just like these young doctors—a crowded waiting room, and he’s in there playing the piano!”


----------



## Gwynn

“My son had to give up his career because of fallen arches.”

“He’s an athlete?”

“No—an architect.”


----------



## Gwynn

I was administering an achievement test to David, a precocious six-year-old, and I began by asking him when his birthday was.

“February 20,” was his quick response.

Next I asked him, “What year, David?”

He looked at me quizzically at first and then hit upon the obvious answer. “_Every_ year,” he said.


----------



## Gwynn

Phoning a patient, the doctor says, “I have some bad news and some worse news. The bad news is that you have only 24 hours left to live.”

“That is bad news,” the patient replies. “What could be worse?”

The doctor answers, “I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.”


----------



## Barrowman

As I approach my 80s, more and more of my Christmas list is just stuff I need from the grocery store.


----------



## Contused

I remember the day I saw a photographer get knocked down by a huge block of cheese.

We all tried to warn him.


----------



## Contused

Chicken curry from Chinese takeaway: £5
Bottle of wine to go with dinner: £10
Getting home and realising that the takeaway forgot you give you part of your order… riceless!


----------



## Contused

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage, but I lost my case.


----------



## Barrowman

_My Fantasy Christmas_​_A nice meal for the family.
Everybody shared the dinner duties.
A family trip to church for the Evening service.
Excited kids open one present at midnight.
Stockings hung by the chimney with care.
Decorations are glowing indoors and out.
Snow softly falling all night..._

And me on a beach in the Bahamas with a Cigar..


----------



## Contused

I asked my Welsh mate how many girlfriends he'd had but when he started counting he fell asleep.


----------



## Barrowman

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient.


----------



## Contused

I got a jumper for Christmas but it kept creating static electricity so I took it back and exchanged it for another one, free of charge.


----------



## Contused

Mary and Joseph. Now that's a stable relationship.


----------



## Barrowman

Four men were out golfing.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”


----------



## Contused

An RAF bomber plane was flying over Syria when the pilot noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at Akrotiri he got a right roasting. Apparently they were Allied Carpets!


----------



## Barrowman

My memory is going Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” 
That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me…
“Your password is incorrect”.


----------



## Barrowman

*What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in *​* a nursing home in one night?*​*A Jerry Hat Trick......... *


----------



## Contused

"Always leave them wanting more," my uncle used to say.

Which is why he was struck off from the Royal College of Anaesthetists.


----------



## Contused

Yesterday, I told my friend that her eyebrows were too high.

She seemed surprised.


----------



## Contused

FACT: The average theologian thinks about sects every seven seconds.


----------



## Contused

My diet was hard at first but now I’m really starting to find my feet.


----------



## Barrowman

Why did the taxi driver get fired?

Passengers didn't like it when she went the extra mile.


----------



## Barrowman

One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted,
'Look at that dead bird!'
One of them looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'


----------



## Contused

My wife’s dragging me to church this Sunday, so I’m led to believe.


----------



## Contused

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.


----------



## Contused

Q: What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
A: Amhere

Q: What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
A: Amhere Azwel

Q: What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
A: Amhere Azwell Azhim


----------



## Contused

An Irishman walks out of a bar…

Well, it could happen.


----------



## Barrowman

I saw a movie about how ships are put together. 

It was riveting.


----------



## Gwynn

Barrowman said:


> One day I was walking down the beach with
> some friends when someone shouted,
> 'Look at that dead bird!'
> One of them looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'


Actually my sister did exactly that before she realised her error. Genius (not) must run in the family


----------



## Barrowman

Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments? 

Mount Rushmore.


----------



## Gwynn

You should always knock before opening a fridge, just in case there's a salad dressing inside.


----------



## Gwynn

6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.


----------



## Gwynn

Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But then again, neither does milk.


----------



## Gwynn

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.


----------



## Gwynn

Whiteboards really are remarkable.


----------



## Gwynn

Does a balanced diet simply means a having cupcake in each hand.


----------



## Gwynn

Dogs can't see inside your body, but CAT scan.


----------



## Gwynn

Alcohol and Calculus don’t mix. It's never a good idea to drink and derive.


----------



## Gwynn

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food but no atmosphere.


----------



## Gwynn

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. They don't have feet.


----------



## Gwynn

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t spread it.


----------



## Gwynn

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his _own _pockets.


----------



## Gwynn

What gets wetter the more it dries?

A towel.


----------



## Gwynn

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie.


----------



## Gwynn

You know why you never see elephants hiding up in trees?

Because they’re really good at it.


----------



## Gwynn

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.


----------



## Contused

Today I put on my sensible walking boots and a rucksack, picked up my walking stick and went up to the Peak District, walked for about 5 miles, stopped, sat on a stone wall and had a coffee from my Thermos. Then I walked a further 5 miles, had a chunk of Kendal Mint Cake and then I…

… sorry, I'm rambling!


----------



## Barrowman

What time does a duck wake up? 

The quack of dawn.


----------



## Barrowman

What did the nose say to the finger? 

Quit picking on me!


----------



## Contused

My mate used to row for Cambridge.

He was in the debating society.


----------



## Contused

Apparently there is a new cure for dyslexia, which is music to my arse.


----------



## Contused

I went into a chemist’s shop and said, "Have you got anything for laryngitis?"

The chemist said, "Good morning sir. What can I do for you?"


----------



## Barrowman

As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wondered how someone could talk
if they didn't have a brain.

Then I got Facebook......


----------



## zuludog

What's the difference between a good bagpipe player and a bad bagpipe player?

Nothing


----------



## Barrowman

All my passwords are protected by.......

......Amnesia


----------



## Contused

An artist was found dead in his home, details are a bit sketchy.

Police are appealing for any information which will help them get the full picture.


----------



## Barrowman

A wise man once told his wife

Nothing, because he was a wise man.....


----------



## Barrowman

The other day my wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.
 I said it was in case Mark Zuckerberg was listening.
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.......


----------



## Contused

My mate is a director and he’s making a TV series about a plane hijacking.

They just shot the pilot.


----------



## Contused

I just got asked the time by a British Gas repair man.

So I told him it was between 8am and 1pm!


----------



## Barrowman

How does a dog stop a video? 

By hitting the paws button!


----------



## MikeyBikey

There's going to be a cure for diabetes in a few years!

This is a very old joke. I was first told it by my then consultant in 1967!


----------



## Contused

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.


----------



## Contused

I got mugged yesterday. He said, "Give me all your money or you're geography."

I said, "Don't you mean history?"

He said, "Don't change the subject."


----------



## Contused

I used to think pet insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets and they’ve sent me a really lovely little courtesy cat.


----------



## Contused

I bought a self-help CD series called "How to Handle Disappointment."

Got it home and the box was empty.


----------



## Contused

I watched the Chubby Checker story last night.

There’s a Twist at the end.


----------



## MikeyBikey

I used to go out with a girl called Horlicks. She kept falling asleep!


----------



## Barrowman

Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes...Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 

How about Cole's Law? No.... It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.


----------



## MikeyBikey

Sunday and Monday were fighting!  Who won?

Sunday because Monday is a weekday!


----------



## Barrowman

How does a farmer mend his overalls? 

With cabbage patches.


----------



## Gwynn

Barrowman said:


> How does a farmer mend his overalls?
> 
> With cabbage patches.


That was just terrible. The worst!!!


----------



## Barrowman

Gwynn said:


> That was just terrible. The worst!!!


My apologies - It was I agree....

Why is no one friends with Dracula? 
Because he's a pain in the neck.


----------



## Contused

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.


----------

