# Educational Welfare Officer



## MeanMom (Nov 18, 2011)

Have just had copy of letter that K's school sent to Educational Welfare Officer, and am trying very hard not to get cross/upset and send an email I may regret, so am going to offload here (again) - with apologies

School phoned me in earlier this week to discuss K's 'problem' and lack of attendance, as it is now less than 50% since Sept and was less than the required 85% last school year. We agreed that K needs help of CAMHA (which I have been saying since late Sept) and that if referred to EWO K's doc more likely to make the referral, which doc did on Tuesday. At last.

The copy form has upset me as the school has put they have concerns about her home invironment as 'Mother is struggling to cope' like it's my fault K won't go to school. It is , in a way, because it is my fault she is overly dependent on me as I have always been the one who has dealt with her care, all her life. I have never left her with a babysitter overnight (not even family) but I did this because I had no reason to, not because she refused to leave me. She always went to school with no fuss when she was little, so I never had any problem with separation anxiety till she became I'll.

Since her illness and the family losses she has also experienced she has lost all her confidence and self worth. 

But I would like to see how anyone could 'cope' with a child almost as tall and heavy as themselves refusing to dress throwing all her clothes around the room and screaming. Or digging their fingernAils into their own arms. If anybody could cope with that every single day then I wish they would come and do so, because I give up. I can't spend everyday arguing for hours on end and I certainly can't force a 12 year old to get dressed. And I've tried.


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## novorapidboi26 (Nov 18, 2011)

It seems you are having a hard time of it.....................

What will come of this 'copy form' the school have drew up............?


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## trophywench (Nov 18, 2011)

Awwwww {{{Hugs}}}

Absolutely nothing should come of it in terms of 'bad' because MM you will tell these people - CAMHA or whoever deals with it - exactly what you have told us.  In fact print out what you said above.

Sitting completely on the outside I can see both POV's.

As a grandparent (I have adult step-children) and dealing with toddlers for the first time for long periods, I can tell you I am incapable of getting a 3 year old to do what she doesn't want to.  And having an 18 year old girl bigger than me and 20x physically stronger screaming obscenities at her boyfriend across my front garden at 01.00 hours was quite a lot worse.  None of this was my fault in any way whatsoever.

And this with your daughter isn't your fault either.

Perhaps, you know, when your daughter is asked to explain behaviour or 'failures' etc, or comments at school, or even the mere inference that Teacher A might be going to discuss her with Teacher B - she infers in some way that you may be partially to blame.  She may even say that it is you that causes some of her behaviour, since she has no other explanation, poor thing.  Now don't go mad at me, I'm by no means suggesting she's a liar.  What ordinary people without MH probs do not understand (and that's not a criticism, it's a statement) is that MH probs very often completely distort a person's perception of people generally - including themselves.

I have absolutely no idea whatever how these services work for kids, although I know one of our other grandkids had to go and see somebody once - but her single mother? - not offered any help whatever and although she has been under Psychiatric services for many years anyway, the kids service round here don't seem to communicate with the adult services, because it's a different hospital trust and it's all confiential.  Utter madness .....

What counselling are YOU having?

Whre's YOUR support network?


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## ypauly (Nov 18, 2011)

trophywench said:


> Awwwww {{{Hugs}}}
> 
> 
> 
> Whre's YOUR support network?



This was my first thought too. Don't be scare to ask for help but most of all be honest with the authorities to ensure you get the right help.


Hope it all works out well.


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## Robster65 (Nov 18, 2011)

It may also be written to show that you have no support, in order to highlight the fact. No idea of course whether they're fully aware of your home situation, but it could be supportive.

ie. Mum struggling to cope (because she has been offered no support) so the authorities need to review this and put something in place to help you. 

If you could arrange a meeting to clarify the true meaning of the report, you may be able to get something positive from it. 

Rob


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## elaine1969 (Nov 18, 2011)

You can't make them get dressed - I've tried too - mine is 14 and about 3 inches taller than me.  Her attendance was 60% during the last school year.  Most of this was due to control/illness but there were definitely many days in there due to her refusing to go to school or being so down I was actually scared to let her go in case she did something stupid.  Kate was referred to CAMHS (i presume that is the same as CAMHA) and it really helped.  Like you say - I'd like to see anyone try and cope with a hormonal, depressed, diabetic teenager - not much fun at all!  Sending you love and hugs,  sounds like you definitely need them xx


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## trophywench (Nov 18, 2011)

LOL - actually got a lot more probs with the knocking 40, hormonal step-daughter at the mo!  Whole different story, ROFL

I keep tellin meself it'll get better ...............

Gotta just keep grinning mate! - but sometimes that does me a disservice, sometimes it's better to go to your GP and cry.  Then you sometimes get help ......


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## grahams mum (Nov 18, 2011)

i really feel sorry for you and dont think even 1 minutes that is your fault  when graham does not want do  something i cannot move it and is only 7 and is tall like me ( i am really short) but is srtong as well.  There is anything that maybe with your husbund can you say together  and make her understand that the welfare officer thinks that is the parents problems and maybe she will think twice to behave like that again ?  i hope i dont have to have a problem like that  when graham will be a teenager  i hope all of you  will have some sort of counselling  and help


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## MeanMom (Nov 18, 2011)

Tried to write a longer reply but couldn't manage it- but will try tomorrow

Just wanted to say thanks for the support 

THIS is my support network x


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## HelenM (Nov 18, 2011)

I've written this type of report in my previous life. I don't think that  saying that you are 'struggling to cope' is necessarily judgemental. It seems from what you say to  have some truth, that's why both of you need help.
 From the school's point of view they want to help your daughter get the most from her education, and that is their primary responsibility. I'm sure though, that most teachers/EWOs recognise that any intervention/help needs to involve the whole family.
Don't think of them as the enemy, most of my  former colleagues have had families of their own and realise that things aren't always easy, they want to help, that's why they went into the job.
 Another factor is that help available is rationed (money), you have to show it's really needed, that's one  factor that  may result in reports being written in 'stong' terms.


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## am64 (Nov 18, 2011)

i had to meet EWO with my son ...not diabetic but asthmatic...i had full backing from my GP who wrote letters ...also his year leader was very supportive becase when he was in school his work was excellant ...I explained to EWO how we 'managed' the condition and thats why he was in school as much as he could be ..in his final year before GCSE he broke his hand and had trauma and missed 10 weeks of autumn term his attendance was down to 40 % but he still got A* with 13 GCSES  
be strong its not a reflection on you ...its just the school having to do this proceedure cos of statistics ...
try and get them to suggest ways of assisting with the situation ....
good luck x


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## Tina63 (Nov 19, 2011)

I can truly empathise with you.  My son was diagnosed last December (days before he turned 16) and he had massive anxiety problems about going to school over the next term.  This, from my confident, outgoing, full of life 16 year old.  All of a sudden he was a withdrawn wreck.  We had been a family who always prided ourselves on school and work attendance, having to truly be at death's door to have a day off, so to see on his first 6 week report of the new year that he had had 22 absences, I felt awful.  

However, how could I get a 6'2" solid lad out of the house if he refused to go?  He became a blubbing wreck.  I would pretend everything was fine, carry on as normal getting my jobs done in the morning, then he would start going up and down to the toilet every 5 minutes, avoiding going near the front door.  Time would be ticking on, and in the end I would find myself saying 'You need to be leaving now'.  Up to the toilet he would go again, then head for the front door, back to the toilet, head for the door again then turn back and break down in my arms.  So very hard.  I struggled to maintain my composure (and didn't succeed a couple of times) as I felt I had to pretend everything was 'normal' just to get him to go.  Some days he would leave, then invariably return a few minutes later.

We, like you, never really left him or his sister with anyone when they were young, family are quite a distance away and we were happy and content being a little family at home together.  I don't think there's anything wrong with that whatsoever.  I think any family would close ranks when something like T1 strikes anyway.  It's a massive thing for all the family to take onboard.  People on the outside, though polite, don't always want to hear every little thing about it (though I bore them to tears on a daily basis lol), and certainly can't truly grasp the full depth of it unless they are living with it day in and day out.

Luckily for us the school nurse was wonderful.  I rang the school on a daily basis to let them know each day if he was going or not (and several days they sent him home too) and she realised things were not good, so she rang his DSN who in turn got hold of the psychologist on the team.  He was seen privately at school (his choice - she could have come to our home, the hospital or school, it was up to him to decide) and luckily very quickly it all settled down.

Though we get letters following every hospital clinic appointment, there was no feedback at all from the psychologist, but I accept that, that was private between him and her.  I am just so pleased they ironed things out.

Don't get me wrong, it's not all plain sailing, we have other issues now (in denial basically, though he beginning to show signs of improving a bit) but school and going out have now become not a problem for him.  This term so far he has gone every single day, just leaving early one day for clinic 

I haven't gone into full details about all the goings on, but it was a damn struggle to get him to go for a while, and what can you do???  You feel completely helpless.  You can't physically drag them and throw them outside the front door.  Even if you did there's no guarantee they would actually go to school.   It is hard for you too in the early days to trust that everything will be ok when they are out of your sight and control, and if they too feel that anxiety, though I am sure even stronger for them, of course they are not going to want to be away from their comfort zone.  Have you ever asked her what she fears?  Is she being teased, does she feel the odd one out, is it a fear of hypos maybe?  Part of my son's problem I think was that when he went back to school at first, he hadn't experienced a hypo.  I think we were all expecting him to collapse with no warning, and it would be a 999 job.  Once he had his first couple, though not pleasant, I think that relaxed him a little too.  I still see now though that if he is due to go somewhere different or with a different group of people, he will purposely 'forget' his mealtime insulin to avoid the chance of going low.

I agree with others though, though the comment on the form isn't nice (and I would take it personally too) I am sure it's only to carry weight that you need some support/help/advice.  I do feel us parents could also seriously benefit from some counselling.  As the children get older, you get less and less involved - even at clinic now they suggest my son goes in alone, which he did last time, so we didn't even get the benefit of hearing what was said, or the chance to ask any questions.  Of course he wouldn't tell us much, so we are pretty much in the dark.

Sorry, this turned into a bit of an essay!  Just to say thinking of you, keep your chin up, hopefully now you will get some serious help and back up and you and your daughter can begin to get some of these issues resolved.


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## MeanMom (Nov 21, 2011)

Just to say thanks for the support and an update

K has not been to school all last week, or today. She really tried this morning but she is so scared something bad is going to happen to her at school without me, bless. No screaming etc because Ive just decided I'm not going to go on about it for more than 5 mins, and no shouting on my part as it just makes it worse. 

Doctor has just phoned to tell me she spoke to L_  last Tuesday and she will see K at clinic on 21st December. L_ is councellor K sees at clinic anyway and she usually only has 15 mins with her but we shall have to wait and see. Doc says that can't do anymore and K should carry on with school councellor in meantime. Not much use if she can't/won't go to school, but the ball has been put back in my and her Dads court re that - Spose it's up to us anyway. Am hopefull she will go on Wednesday (if not tomorrow) as my Mum goes home tomorrow, so K will feel like I can give her my full attention again.

Thanks again for all the support xx


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## Tina63 (Nov 22, 2011)

Just a thought, is there any way the school counsellor would consider coming to your home to see you and your daughter there?  Maybe your daughter would talk privately to her, but within the comfort zone of her own home?  I really don't know how involved the school would be prepared to get, but it might be worth a phone call to ask.


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## elaine1969 (Nov 22, 2011)

Fingers crossed for tomorrow meanmom xxxxx


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## MeanMom (Nov 23, 2011)

*Update from counselling session*

Thanks all - just thought I'd give update as things looking a bit more positive

Went to school with K for her counselling today and although I found out something that made me very cross, on the whole it went well.

Firstly the 'bad' thing; there is a girl in K's class called 'O' who K has previously told me about as having even more 'issues' than K though she doesn't really understand what they are. It seems O has discovered she has an extreme needle phobia and once tried to take Ks kit out of her bag to dispose of them or something. It has developed to the extent that K was injecting under the table , then she started waiting til sure girl was safely out of way. Came to a head when girl walked into room whilst k injecting, 'freaked' and stayed away from school the next day. Ks form tutor made her feel it was her fault and asked her to make sure she injected in the med room or that O was not around. Fair enough I suppose but K feels she cannot even mention her 
diabetes incase this girl has a wobbly so therefore cannot ask for any help in 
class if she feels unwell!
I feel this is part of the cause of Ks recent return of her fear of being unwell at school but she had not told me how bad it was other than in an offhand way which meant I did not realise how serious it was. Her coucellor was horrified, but head of house feels O will not get over it so K must work round it or change class which she doesn't want to do.
Otherwise (phew) quite positive, with K being allowed to skip Tech lessons and PE for a while (these are the lessons she gets anxious about) and use the time to catch up. Also that they will try to organise a Diabetes Group in a lunch time so that all the girls in the school can support each other. It is a big school  and I think there are over a dozen girls there with D .

Think K will go to school for whole day tomorrow, fingers crossed.

Thanks for support x


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## trophywench (Nov 23, 2011)

And where is O receiving psychological help to get rid of her needle phobia?

It works both ways.  They BOTH have to come half way to meet each other IMHO.


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## Northerner (Nov 23, 2011)

I'm really glad to hear something good has come out of it  I do understand that people have needle phobias, but she doesn't need to watch if K is discreet or gives a warning - O can look away or be out of the room. I know I don't know the full situation, but it sounds like the phobia is probably being reinforced by the solution that has been proposed, plus K is being made to feel bad about her diabetes when she shouldn't have to


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## Robster65 (Nov 23, 2011)

Apart from which, k is performing a life-dependant procedure whereas o has an irrational fear.

Doesn't really stand up to scrutiny.

Rob


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## Copepod (Nov 23, 2011)

As a compromise, I'd advise O to check whether K is in a room and what she is doing before entering - a simple "OK to come in" from O would give K the chance to say "hang on a minute" if she were doing her injection.


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## Pumper_Sue (Nov 23, 2011)

I Find O's problem odd as K uses a pen and a pen does not look like a needle or syringe.
Tell K to get her biro out and press it to her arm or leg in class so O can see it  and each time O looks do it again. Let K bully O back 

Would K consider a pump? The reason I ask is if she would then K has the ultimate control by the hour each and every day.


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## fencesitter (Nov 24, 2011)

I just mentioned on another thread about a lovely T1 boy that my son met when he was first diagnosed, who was a real inspiration to him. Said boy has a huge needle phobia! He has managed to overcome it for injecting himself, but when it came to William doing his jab, he had to turn away and went really pale 
I hope the school works with O to help her learn some strategies to cope - K should be allowed to manage her diabetes when and where she likes without having to worry about another child's issues, even though I'm sure they're genuine.


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## margie (Nov 24, 2011)

It is one thing to be afraid of needles but if O did try to dispose of K's kit then the school need to deal with that and explain to O the serious problems K could have found herself in. They should be able to do this in a non-judgemental way and at the same time enquire as to how they might be able to help O overcome her fears. 

Has anyone suggested that O rather than K change classes ?


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## MeanMom (Nov 24, 2011)

Thanks once again for support

I gather the girl O has some serious 'issues' which school cannot discuss with me, but K tells me O has a Teaching assistant with her most lessons as she refuses to take part otherwise and often puts her head down on the desk etc. Her language can be 'more like a boy' - Ks phrase - and she uses violent imagery in her school work She has scratched a classmate who was tying to calm her down re K injecting.

It is a difficult situation and I assume that it is not an option to move O. Will talk more to Ks councellor about how she thinks we should handle it, but I have told K to make sure she tells me if there is ever ANY trouble with O and if she tries to meddle with kit again tell a teacher. We are concerned they will try to get K to leave her kit at the office which she does not want to do.

But I am not having K frightened to go to school because of this and shall tell the EWO so if I ever get the chance


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## Ellie Jones (Nov 25, 2011)

MeanMum

Wow what sort of school is K going to

As to 'O' behaviour concerning 'K' I don't think it's actual a needle phobia, if reaction to see a insulin pen and injection is so severe then there is no way she'd be able to touch 'K's kit to attempt to dispose of 'k' equipment..

A friend who played rugby (a prop) with my ex-husband who literary faint not just at the site of a needle...  But as I found out just the thought of the needle being near..

Had gone out to rugby and taken sandwiches, syringe and my insulin vial all contained in a sandwich box (old regime of 2 jabs a day and time meals) the sandwich box was coloured so couldn't see the contents...  As M served behind the bar and was sorting out the pumps I asked him to put my sandwich box in the bar's fridge..  Handed my box over, and he said don't tell me that you've got your diabetic kit in there!  And didn't actually answer couldn't he hit the deck first

And with the schools reluctance to discuss the problem with you, and putting the onus on 'K' suggests something is going on..

As 'O' behaviour is having a direct impact on 'K's welfare and education, then you have a right to know what is actually going on..  I would be getting up stint demanding an full explanation to what the truth is and what the school is hiding otherwise you will make an official complaint into both the school Goveners and the Eduction department and willing to go further if you don't get answers..


And as to the copy letter, don't take that one to heart as it's one of those letters that doesn't come across as it should do,  they aren't judging you but taken on board that with 'k's diabetes and insecurity of coming to terms with it, effects the whole family not just 'k' and it's natural that families will struggle as well..  So support needs to given to all the family as a whole and not just centred around 'k'...  But you can't put that in a education/department duffer letter you got to go with the 'speak' 

And due to all this going on, I would be requesting if while it's being sorted that some home tuition is provided so that at least she keeps up with her maths, English subjects


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## Monica (Nov 25, 2011)

Oh dear, I've only just seen this.....

O might have problems, but they are not K's problems. I think it's a bit unfair that K has to be considerate towards O, but O doesn't (well, I guess she can't)have to be considerate towards K.
I was going to suggest the same... move O. K can't help the fact she needs to inject. I think it was very wrong of the form tutor to make it all K's fault. I wonder why O can't be moved. If she doesn't take part in the lessons and doesn't seem to have friends in that class, it would be easier to move her. She wouldn't lose her friends like K would. 
How about the TA making sure O isn't anywhere near K when she needs to inject? I think this should work both ways. It's not on K to make all the adjustments.
I agree with Ellie though - how can O have an aversion to needles and then go and try to dispose of them? 
I hope you'll get this sorted soon (((MM & K))


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## trophywench (Nov 25, 2011)

Mmm, was what I said, previously - they both have to make compromises - making K have to do it all is discrimination, pure and simple.

God knows what is going on in this other child's head but have just thought - does she perceive K as vulnerable, in which case it's bullying - or is she an attention seeker of the worst kind?  I have no knowledge of needle phobia to be honest, but what Ellie has said makes sense to me.

I do know a bit about claustrophobia though, and that doesn't manifest itself as rage etc it makes me feel faint, cold sweat, mega high heart rate, nausea etc - which sounds much like the barman she describes.

Whatever, it not only affects K's life and well-being, it affects the whole class and whilst they certainly do all need to be 'reasonable' towards anyone 'perceived to be different' in any way (as we all do every day) - this surely to God goes far beyond the bounds of reasonability?


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## grahams mum (Nov 25, 2011)

hi i agrree with monica on this is not K only fault( she is only 12 she can do everything herself on top of her diabetes) the teachers have a part on all this as welll as O and her parents so and the EWO should know this


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