# Your silliest joke.......



## Tee G

How do you treat a sick lemon?


.............................................................................................Give it 'lemon-aid'


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## SB2015

Why do the French have one egg for breakfast?...
...because un oeuf  is e...nough (said with a French accent)


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## C&E Guy

The police turned up at a guy's door.

"We've matched the blood on the murder weapon with your blood, and we've matched the blood on the victim's clothes with your blood, so we're arresting you for murder."

"But, it's not all bad news. Your cholesterol's down to 3.6!"


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## everydayupsanddowns

I was trying to send a package to some scientists from the oceanographic institute who were camped out on the Cornish coast, conducting a study of aquatic marine mammals. 

So I addressed it, “To all in tents and porpoises”


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## Tee G

Hahaha!   the old ones are the best!


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## Eddy Edson

What do utilities and pelicans have in common?

They can all stick their bills up their a.....!

(Hat tip Billy Connelly, I think)


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## Andy HB

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running over the hill?
A: "There's a herd of elephants running over the hill".

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses running over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognise them.

(Now that is really old!)


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## Stitch147

What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce?
Chicken Caesar salad


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## Stitch147

What did the cheese say when I looked in the mirror?
Halloumi!


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## C&E Guy

Andy HB said:


> Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants running over the hill?
> A: "There's a herd of elephants running over the hill".
> 
> Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses running over the hill?
> A: Nothing, he didn't recognise them.
> 
> (Now that is really old!)



Not a joke but - how did Tarzan speak English? 


I'll add ....

How do you know your dentist's from Boston?

"It's more than a filling."


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## Andy HB

C&E Guy said:


> Not a joke but - how did Tarzan speak English?


First, Jane taught him and then he picked up a bit more when he returned to England as Lord Greystoke.

I don't think the apes were able to help him much (although their language aptitude is on a par with Donald Trump's as well as his emotional stability)


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## everydayupsanddowns

Stitch147 said:


> What did the cheese say when I looked in the mirror?
> Halloumi!



Steady! You have to tread very Caerphilly with cheese jokes.


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## Tee G

@everydayupsanddowns -  ^^^^     Yes, I'll 'Brie' careful


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## C&E Guy

Come on Bert. That's as gouda s it gets.


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## everydayupsanddowns

(Monterey) jack it in you two.


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## chaoticcar

everydayupsanddowns said:


> (Monterey) jack it in you two.


That's just too cheesy


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## Tee G

That's just stretchy cheesing it, but im fondue you too


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## Ditto

LOL  What's purple and lives at the bottom of the sea? Moby Grape.

What shakes at the bottom of the sea? A nervous wreck. 

At least I think that's how they go.


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## Hepato-pancreato

Why do gorillas have red balls?
so they can hide in cherry trees.
how did tarzan die?
picking cherries......


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## Hepato-pancreato

How do you stop chris bonnington climbing blackpool tower?
take him to southport......


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## C&E Guy

A man goes into a bookshop.

"I'm looking for a  book about tortoises."

"Hardback?"

"Yes. They have a big shell all over."


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## Andy HB

Hepato-pancreato said:


> Why do gorillas have red balls?
> so they can hide in cherry trees.
> how did tarzan die?
> picking cherries......


I prefer the "Why do elephants paint their toenails red" version.

Followed by:
Q:  Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry Tree?

A: No!

Q: See! It works!!


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## C&E Guy

Chubby Checker has started writing murder mystery books.

Every one has a twist at the end.


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## Tee G

Man went into the supermarket and bought 500 OXO cubes ----- He was a laughing stock !!


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## Wirrallass

everydayupsanddowns said:


> Steady! You have to tread very Caerphilly with cheese jokes.


Haha! Nice one Mike!

WL


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## Wirrallass

Hepato-pancreato said:


> How do you stop chris bonnington climbing blackpool tower?
> take him to southport......



Tap on it!
WL


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## Wirrallass

Q. Why does an elephant stand upside down in a tea cup?
A. So it can't be seen!
WL


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## Wirrallass

Q. What do you call a penguin  in the desert?
A. Lost
WL


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## Wirrallass

Q. What is the best way to cook an alligator?
A. In a croc pot!
WL


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## Wirrallass

One day, a 14yr old weasel went down to the local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says: "You're under age. I can't serve you beer."
The weasel asks "What can I have?"
The bartender replies "I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks and pop."
"Pop!" goes the weasel.
WL


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## everydayupsanddowns

Wirralass said:


> One day, a 14yr old weasel went down to the local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says: "You're under age. I can't serve you beer."
> The weasel asks "What can I have?"
> The bartender replies "I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks and pop."
> "Pop!" goes the weasel.
> WL



Ha! That’s a good one


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## ypauly

What do you call Bears without ears?







B


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## ypauly

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? 








A maybe.


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## ypauly

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.


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## Wirrallass

These jokes are getting sillier & sillier but keep em coming!
WL


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## Tee G

i love em!


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## Wirrallass

Me too!
WL


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## Tee G

Its so nice to be able to have an innocent giggle at times like these - Keep em coming!


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## Wirrallass

Q. Do you know where the old couple went for the weekend?



A. Cheddar gorge!

WL


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## robert@fm

I have just bought a load of books in South Croydon.
_Reedham?_
Not yet.

I saw a party of school kids being attacked by a feral dog in Southwest London.
_Surbiton?_
No, but one of the kids was.


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## Andy HB

I think this one is due a repeat .....

Vlad the Impala wasn't that bad, he was a bit of a deer actually.


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## Andy HB

and ......


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## Tee G

Hey @robert@fm - thats my old haunt - innit !


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## ypauly

I just lost my job with the Nuclear Power Station......but I got a glowing reference.


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## Wirrallass

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints five kilometres on the first day, two kilometres on the second day and only one on the third day.
“You get worse and worse every day!” yelled his boss.
“That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day.” said Paddy.
WL


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## Wirrallass

Q. Why did the crab never share?




A. Because he's a shellfish!
WL


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## Wirrallass

This sentence contains threee erors!
WL


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## Wirrallass

Knock knock.
Who's there?


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## Wirrallass

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Syphony played backwards. When it's over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backwards ~ and then the First Symphony.
"What's going on?" he asks a cemetery worker.
"It's Beethoven," says the worker. "He's decomposing."


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## Contused

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
 Unique Up On It.

 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
 Tame Way.

 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
 They take The Psycho Path.

 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
 You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
 Dam!

 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
 Polaroid's.

 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
 A Stick.

 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
 Nacho Cheese.

 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
 Subordinate Clauses.

 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
 Quattro Sinko.

 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
 Spoiled Milk.

 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
 Frostbite.

 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
 A Nervous Wreck.

 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
 Anyone Can Roast Beef.

 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
 Right Where You Left Him.

 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
 Because They Have Big Fingers.

 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
 Because It Scares The Dog.

 18. Why Did Pilgrims' Trousers Always Fall Down?
 Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

 19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
 A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
 A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
 Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.


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## Ditto

LOL I like 7 and 20.


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## Andy HB

Contused said:


> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
> They take The Psycho Path.



You reminded me of this one .....

The M25 and the M6 are in the pub having a pint together and they are discussing who is the hardest, toughest motorway out of the two of them. The discussion soon degenerates into an argument.
"Well, I am obviously the hardest", says the M6, "I have hundreds of thousands of cars on me everyday and I go on for miles and miles."
"That's nothing," replies the M25, "Everyday I have hundreds and thousands of cars parked on me everyday and I handle it like it was nothing."
Just as he said that, Red Tarmac walks into the pub. The M6 runs off and hides under a table. The M25 looks on, a little confused.
Red Tarmac stands at the bar and orders herself a pint. She swiftly drinks her pint and leaves. Once she has left M6 comes out from under the table.
"What was all that about?" asks the M25, "I though you were supposed to be a really hard motorway."
"I am" replies the M6, "But she's a cycle-path!"


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## Tee G




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## Wirrallass

Andy HB said:


> You reminded me of this one .....
> 
> The M25 and the M6 are in the pub having a pint together and they are discussing who is the hardest, toughest motorway out of the two of them. The discussion soon degenerates into an argument.
> "Well, I am obviously the hardest", says the M6, "I have hundreds of thousands of cars on me everyday and I go on for miles and miles."
> "That's nothing," replies the M25, "Everyday I have hundreds and thousands of cars parked on me everyday and I handle it like it was nothing."
> Just as he said that, Red Tarmac walks into the pub. The M6 runs off and hides under a table. The M25 looks on, a little confused.
> Red Tarmac stands at the bar and orders herself a pint. She swiftly drinks her pint and leaves. Once she has left M6 comes out from under the table.
> "What was all that about?" asks the M25, "I though you were supposed to be a really hard motorway."
> "I am" replies the M6, "But she's a cycle-path!"



WL


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## Lizzzie

Two fish in a tank.   One says, 'how do you drive this thing?'


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## C&E Guy

What do call an Indian sharpshooter?

Ptang Pting.


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## Contused

Apparently Neil Diamond's song, 'Sweet Caroline' has been banned by radio stations worldwide. Because of social distancing there can no longer be any:

" …hands, touching hands. Reaching out, touching me, touching you… "


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## everydayupsanddowns

Contused said:


> 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
> Unique Up On It.
> 
> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
> Tame Way.
> 
> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
> They take The Psycho Path.
> 
> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
> You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
> 
> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
> Dam!
> 
> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
> Polaroid's.
> 
> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> A Stick.
> 
> 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> Nacho Cheese.
> 
> 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> Subordinate Clauses.
> 
> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> Quattro Sinko.
> 
> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
> Spoiled Milk.
> 
> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
> Frostbite.
> 
> 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> A Nervous Wreck.
> 
> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> Anyone Can Roast Beef.
> 
> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
> Right Where You Left Him.
> 
> 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> Because They Have Big Fingers.
> 
> 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> Because It Scares The Dog.
> 
> 18. Why Did Pilgrims' Trousers Always Fall Down?
> Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
> 
> 19. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
> A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!
> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
> 
> 20. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
> Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.



Haha! Have you been at the Christmas crackers again?


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## Contused

everydayupsanddowns said:


> Haha! Have you been at the Christmas crackers again?


Looks like it, doesn't it!


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## everydayupsanddowns

Contused said:


> Looks like it, doesn't it!



I love that idea that cracker jokes are *designed* to be terrible, so that they become the common focus of scorn and derision for both joke teller and joke listeners. You don’t have to have great comic delivery, or charisma, because the joke itself is *so bad* that it becomes the common ’fool’


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## robert@fm

Why do Daleks not hatch from eggs?

Because eggs terminate.


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## robert@fm

Why didn't the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

Because there wasn't any other side.


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## robert@fm

What's green and goes  "Meow"?

A frog speaking a foreign language.


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## robert@fm

Why didn't the cat cross the road?

He met a chicken who said "don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it".


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## robert@fm

Computer manufacturer Packard-Bell once decided to branch out into military ordinance. But it was a failure...

No army wanted Packard-Bell's cannon.


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## Lilian

Tee G said:


> Man went into the supermarket and bought 500 OXO cubes ----- He was a laughing stock !!


Modern day version "he was stock piling"


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## robert@fm

If at first you don't succeed...


...don't take up skydiving.


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## robert@fm

What's black, floats on the sea, and shouts "Knickers!"?



Crude oil.


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## Ditto

robert@fm said:


> What's black, floats on the sea, and shouts "Knickers!"?
> 
> Crude oil.



Heh! My brother thought it was funny.


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## Contused

What language do porcupines speak?

Spine language.


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## mikeyB

What language do Rock Doves speak?

Pidgin English


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## Contused

I just got robbed by six dwarfs…

…not Happy.


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## robert@fm

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.

The bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"


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## robert@fm

A man walked into a  bar. Almost immediately, he heard a voice saying "Oh sir, you really look great tonight." Closely followed by another saying "No he doesn't, he's fat and ugly."

Bemused, he asked the barman "What was all that about?"

The barman replied "Sorry about that; the peanuts are complimentary but the jukebox is out of order."


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## Contused

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type o."


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## Contused

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologised profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


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## robert@fm

Took me a few seconds to get that one!


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## Gappy

My favourite knock knock joke - 2 men walk into a bar


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## robert@fm

What are Bill and Ben smoking in those pipes of theirs?



Weeeeeed!


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## Deleted member 27171

I used to love tractors but now I’m an extractor fan.


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## Contused




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## Contused

Smoking will kill you.

Bacon will kill you.

Smoking bacon will cure it.


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## Contused

I've ended up in A & E tonight after a bad accident in Tesco. A full display wall of Andrex loo rolls collapsed onto me and crushed me.

I'm going to be OK: the doctor said it's just soft tissue damage.


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## Contused

It's a sad day today. The clothes horse that's been in our family for generations has broken.

It's the end of an airer.


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## Contused

I bought a new thesaurus today but it's nothing to write house about.


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## Contused

Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field. Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence.

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.

He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.


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## Contused

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.

And then everything crashed.


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## Contused

One consequence of the lockdown limit of six people is the renaming of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Taking out Sneezy was an obvious choice, but losing Doc could be a mistake.


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## HenryBennett

Man walks into a bar. The barman says, “Is that a steering wheel sticking out of your trousers?” Man replies, “Yeah, it’s driving me nuts.”


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## HenryBennett

Have you heard about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog!


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## C&E Guy

Our mouse, Elvis, was killed.

He was caught in a trap.


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## Contused

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colours any more?

A reptile dysfunction.


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## Lanny

I loved this one from a very old joke book & is even better when sung!

Hickory Dickory Dock!
The mice ran up the clock
The clock struck one (a great big long pause is very effective here)
The rest escaped
With minor injuries!

My 3 nephews & younger brother & sister & I all laughed ourselves silly over that & even acted it out as children: a homicidal clock killing mice; whacked hard by the swinging pendulum, we imagined!


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## atoll

For the Men that won't go to the Drs... Medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence.
If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.
If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.
If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.
If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.
If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.
If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.
If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.
If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.
If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.


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## Contused

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To observe correct social distancing measures.


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## mikeyB

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To start over a century of silly jokes


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