# What to write to someone who's terminally ill?



## Pigeon

Hi there, I'm sorry if this post upsets anyone, it's a delicate situation.

I kept in touch with my favourite teacher from high school every year with a  Christmas card -  it started because I did a degree in his subject so I wrote to tell him how university was going then carried on with a bit of news each Christmas, and he wrote back with his family news. I didn't get a card from him this Christmas which worried me slightly. Then this week I got a letter which he'd printed off and sent to lots of people saying he had been diagnosed with terminal cancer just before Christmas. It's obviously a sad letter, but he talks about how wonderful his family have been and how nice Christmas was. At the bottom he'd hand written a few lines thanking me for keeping in touch.

I feel so sad for him and his family - he can only be about 60, the same age as my Dad. I really appreciate him writing to tell me, and clearly he's saying good bye. 

I just don't know what to do now - initially I thought I can't reply as you can't send a get well card for something like that. Then I thought if he's sent these letters to a lot of people and nobody replies because they don't know what to say then that's rather lonely.

So I just wondered if anyone on here had any suggestions on what might be appropriate? It's difficult as I haven't seen him in 12 years, and we never talked on the phone or anything, and live a long way apart. I wondered about just getting a nice blank card, maybe with a nice photo on it, and writing "Thank you for getting in touch. Thinking of you and your family", but I don't want to write something trivial or patronising.

Sorry for writing such a sad post. We've had a bad start to the year as my partner's grandma died last week as well.


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## Steff

Hi Pigeon wow a tough one, can you think of any particular good time you had with them or a nice memory you have of your teacher, maybe mention that, it is easy to fall into the trap of making things all mordelling but focus on the good things...maybe mention one of them in the card and put a nice sincere message with it.x So sorry for your partner losing his gran xxx rip


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## mrsjaja

Definitely think you should write back, and say how sorry you are etc and i think steffe has the right idea about a happy memory or something.

May be you could ask, somehow, if someone could let you know how he is going along???

Sorry for your loss also xx


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## Robster65

Hi pigeon.  What a difficult situation. Steffies advice sounds spot on. I can't think of anything better than saying how sorry you are to hear but what an inspiration he's been and as steffie says, some of the good memories.

You can't take it away from him, so give him some of the better times back.

Rob


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## margie

Some places sell Thinking of you cards, and if he is religious you could try somewhere that has prayers said for a Special Intention, they often have prayer cards you can include with the actual card.

I got a Get Well Card from a convent the other day - they will say mass and they gave me a card with a healing prayer to include. They did have other cards that had no mention on the front but still included 9 masses. 

I think any message will be appreciated - have a read of Flutterby's poem here
http://www.diabetessupport.co.uk/boards/showthread.php?t=14091

I guess it will capture how the teacher feels.

What you suggested above sounds fine - but could also include something about how his teaching inspired you and you will always hold him dear. 


It may be a bit late for your teacher - but should anyone else find themselves with a friend or relative diagnosed with cancer then they should take a look at 

https://www.mylifeline.org/

It may seem a strange idea having a web-site when ill - but when you look at the idea behind it you can see how it can work.


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## Sheilagh1958

Sorry for your loss.

I agree with what the others have put and what an inspiration he has been.

When my step father died he had been a deputy headteacher for many years we go some wonderful letters from past pupils saying what an inspiration Chris had been in to them. We all thought it was a shame that Chris didn't get to read them for himself so I am sure this teacher will get a lot of pleasure from your reply.


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## Pigeon

Thanks guys, good suggestion Steffie. 

One memory that springs to mind was that motivation was sometimes lacking in A Level double physics lessons and so he had this suggestion that every week we'd take it in turns for someone to bring a cake in and we'd have it half way through the lesson. It was against the rules to eat in school labs, so he'd draw the blinds and put a sign on the door daying "No enter: Radioactivity" so that we didn't get found out, then we'd sit there merrily scoffing cake!


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## Pigeon

Sorry, I was posting as Sheilagh and Margie replied, thanks for your ideas too. That's a good point about your Step-Dad's cards Sheilagh, and I love Flutterby's poem, it's very moving.

I still work in physics now, so I could write something about him helping me find what I wanted to do in life.


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## Steff

Pigeon said:


> Thanks guys, good suggestion Steffie.
> 
> One memory that springs to mind was that motivation was sometimes lacking in A Level double physics lessons and so he had this suggestion that every week we'd take it in turns for someone to bring a cake in and we'd have it half way through the lesson. It was against the rules to eat in school labs, so he'd draw the blinds and put a sign on the door daying "No enter: Radioactivity" so that we didn't get found out, then we'd sit there merrily scoffing cake!



That sounds perfect Pigeon, sounds like he was a great teacher..


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## rhall92380

Pigeon said:


> Sorry, I was posting as Sheilagh and Margie replied, thanks for your ideas too. That's a good point about your Step-Dad's cards Sheilagh, and I love Flutterby's poem, it's very moving.
> 
> I still work in physics now, so I could write something about him helping me find what I wanted to do in life.



You could tell him how much you appreciate what he did for you, and for example how its going to set you up for life. I guess he would really appreiate that.

Richard


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## rachelha

Pigeon said:


> Thanks guys, good suggestion Steffie.
> 
> One memory that springs to mind was that motivation was sometimes lacking in A Level double physics lessons and so he had this suggestion that every week we'd take it in turns for someone to bring a cake in and we'd have it half way through the lesson. It was against the rules to eat in school labs, so he'd draw the blinds and put a sign on the door daying "No enter: Radioactivity" so that we didn't get found out, then we'd sit there merrily scoffing cake!



It sounds like a great teacher, I think that memory would bring a smile to his and his families faces.


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## Sheilagh1958

Yes this sounds like a great memory


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## Flutterby

Pigeon, this is so sad for you but definitely do reply and include the memory of the cake eating sessions!  I think that we all search for the "right" things to say and often there aren't any!  This man is still the same person despite his diagnosis and so he will still have that same spirit of naughtiness and fun somewhere deep down.  Your reply will remind him of happier times and he will be pleased that he will be remembered in such a way.  I'm sure that a blank card with your own thoughts will be well received and as others have said, it will also help his family.  One thing I always remember when my Grandad died is how lovely it was when others shared their memories of him, often things I knew nothing about.  Your letter may well become a treasured keepsake for those he leaves behind.  Love and hugs to you during this painful time.  Glad you liked the poem by the way.xx


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